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Thread summary:

Parenting: children, marriage help,

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Old 01-30-2008, 09:18 PM
 
5,244 posts, read 4,218,229 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by regarese View Post
My husband isn't much of a baby person either. He changed diapers, bathed and fed her just fine, but I think he really only enjoyed holding our infant daughter when it was nap time because that meant he could take a nap on the couch with her sleeping on his chest. LOL. He is definately a fantastic "kid" person/dad.
OOOH, loved those days when they'd fall asleep on my chest....so peaceful and innocent.
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Old 01-31-2008, 07:51 AM
 
Location: Turn Left at Greenland
17,698 posts, read 34,935,692 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lillietta View Post
Your kids are at GREAT ages, domer
I know, I keep telling them to stop growing, but they don't listen.
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Old 01-31-2008, 08:06 AM
 
Location: Grosse Ile Michigan
24,868 posts, read 59,899,051 times
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in some ways they get better as they grow older. They can do more cool stuff with you and appreciate things more. They stay snuggly (at least through 16 so far). They just are not as cute anymore.
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Old 02-06-2008, 08:30 AM
 
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I think having an infant to toddler would be great, it's the older children that I'm not as interested in. And teenagers--yikes! I remember what I was like as a teenager and am not that excited to go through those turbulent years with my own progeny.

The other thing is that once kids become independent, like around age 6 or so, I would think parenting becomes a lot less enjoyable.

Anyhow, I am thinking about seeking counseling for this issue, because it's really starting to give me an anxiety problem. I think about it every day, and it's starting to make me feel like a bad wife because my hubby wants kids now and I don't want to deal with the issue for a couple of years at least, and I'm starting to wonder if I will ever want kids. I feel like a bad wife for depriving him of an essential human experience that he wants so badly.

And I worry that my husband will resent me or dump me because I don't want to give him biological children. The thing is, I have a health issue that will make pregnancy extremely unpleasant. My hubby was even in the room when the doctor told me that. But my DH believes that if I wanted kids enough, I would endure 9 months of unpleasantness to have biological kids. The problem is, I don't think it's worth it. As my doctor phrased it, it would be a very scary time if I got pregnant due to my health issue. I would have to have an OB that deals specifically with my health issue. I already have issues with pregnancy and how I don't want to do it; this just adds icing to the cake.

It bothers me that my husband doesn't seem to care about my experience of pregnancy or how I might damage my body by carrying a child.

Should I look into counseling?
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Old 02-06-2008, 09:26 AM
 
Location: Assisi, Italy
1,845 posts, read 3,831,823 times
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Doglover

It really is good that you ask these questions, but you really should be asking them to your husband. The physical changes that take place will effect both your lives. If he doesn't care about how it effects you, then you have yet another major hurdle to cross.

I have three little boys 1,3 and 5. They consume us. Because we want them to.

From your username Doglover, it seems that is where your interests lie for now.

Again. Please talk to your husband. Not us. If you can't, then you probably have your answer.
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Old 02-06-2008, 09:31 AM
 
Location: PA-- and proud!
82 posts, read 173,497 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by doglover29 View Post
And I worry that my husband will resent me or dump me because I don't want to give him biological children. The thing is, I have a health issue that will make pregnancy extremely unpleasant. My hubby was even in the room when the doctor told me that. But my DH believes that if I wanted kids enough, I would endure 9 months of unpleasantness to have biological kids. The problem is, I don't think it's worth it. As my doctor phrased it, it would be a very scary time if I got pregnant due to my health issue. I would have to have an OB that deals specifically with my health issue. I already have issues with pregnancy and how I don't want to do it; this just adds icing to the cake.

It bothers me that my husband doesn't seem to care about my experience of pregnancy or how I might damage my body by carrying a child.

Should I look into counseling?
It should bother you. Whether it's his intent or not, the message your husband seems to be sending is that he cares far more about your powers to incubate his desired child than he does about your well-being. That would bother me, too. While his desire for a biological child is not wrong, nor certainly not uncommon, to keep pushing for it when a doctor has advised against it, and you don't feel comfortable with the risk, is crossing a line of decency.

Where do his true ambitions lie: to co-parent a child with you, or have a bio baby through whatever means necessary? I would seriously wonder.

Could your husband be depressed? I am going through a similar situation with my husband. About a year ago he decided he needed a biological child desperately. The tunnel vision on biological, biological, biological set up immediate red flags. He didn't appear to care one iota about a single parenting issue other than it had to be a biological child. Around the same time he became depressed. He hit his 30s and felt he wasn't doing enough with his life. The idea of having a genetic legacy filled those feelings of worthlessness and lack of accomplishment. My husband has a very high IQ and is used to accomplishing more than the average person. Now he is stagnant in his job and does not feel like he is moving forward. In the absence of doing other things with his life, he is looking to a child to fill that hole. Like you, I have health issues that suddenly became unimportant to him because "well, other women with that have babies all the time."

I know that when I talk about my situation, what I'm really hoping for is that someone will tap me on the head and tell me to have babies and that it will all turn out ok. Because that would be the easy road. Appeasing my husband's desires and having it "all work out in the end." Heck, I would even start to feel like a normal woman. But I'm realizing that I have to have the courage to take the more difficult path. My husband's reasons for wanting a baby aren't good ones to create a life over. Your husband's sound equally misguided. When it becomes more about raising a child with me instead of a focus on biology and achievement of goals, perhaps I will reconsider. I recommend the same to you. I don't think you are the one who needs counseling, to be honest.
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Old 02-06-2008, 09:31 AM
 
Location: friendswood texas
2,489 posts, read 6,463,284 times
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I second Bob's opinion. You need to be very candid with your feelings to your husband. To have or not have children aside, the issue that your husband would put children over your welfare is a major issue. Counseling would be a very good thing for both of you. It would give you a neutral setting to discuss these things. Good luck to you. I hope you can find a compromise with your husband.
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Old 02-06-2008, 01:12 PM
 
Location: Santa Barbara
1,474 posts, read 2,591,745 times
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And I worry that my husband will resent me or dump me because I don't want to give him biological children. The thing is, I have a health issue that will make pregnancy extremely unpleasant. My hubby was even in the room when the doctor told me that. But my DH believes that if I wanted kids enough, I would endure 9 months of unpleasantness to have biological kids. The problem is, I don't think it's worth it. As my doctor phrased it, it would be a very scary time if I got pregnant due to my health issue. I would have to have an OB that deals specifically with my health issue. I already have issues with pregnancy and how I don't want to do it; this just adds icing to the cake.

It bothers me that my husband doesn't seem to care about my experience of pregnancy or how I might damage my body by carrying a child.

Should I look into counseling?[/quote]

This is a bigger problem than whether or not to have a child. Someone who doesn't give a darn about your health and well being is not worthy of your love let alone that of an innocent unborn child. If he is this bad now, he will only get worse when he isn't the most important person in the household. You *should* look into counseling and do not get pregnant before this is resolved. If you end up divorced, how big of a loss is it when he treats you like this? He married YOU and you should be more important to him than anything. You are the one he is gonna have to live with once hypothetical child grows up and moves out.

I am sorry I am being harsh, I am on your side. I am childfree by choice, but I also have a couple of chronic illnesses that would make pregnancy and childbirth awful. My husband wouldn't never ask me in a million years to compromise my health to give him a baby or do something else contraindicated. Don't let this cause you any further anxiety. You sound like YOUR mind is made up. Let him come to terms with that rather than you keep trying to come to terms with what he wants. You have obviously found you cannot, without causing great anxiety and upset, wrap your head around motherhood. At least not right now.
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Old 02-06-2008, 01:37 PM
 
406 posts, read 1,322,685 times
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Hi doglover. I haven't had a chance to go through all the posts here, but I think that your deep ambivalence is truly the only mature way to feel about having kids. The people who are all "RAH RAH RAH!" strike me as deluding themselves...just doing it because it's what they decided at some preset age that they wanted to do. They also tend to be considerably younger, maybe they feel they have less to lose?

My story--I too am in my early 30's, and my husband and I were on the fence about kids (leaning more towards NOT having them) when I unexpectedly became pregnant (suffice to say no method of birth control is 100% effective). We decided to have the child, and although I was fairly content, I was never one of those happy pregnant women. My son was born, and I again was just fairly content (although to look in from the outside I'm sure I appeared a normal, albeit tired, new mom!).

Not sure exactly when it happened, but somewhere along the way I did fall madly in love with my son. I can tell you with complete honesty that there is nothing I have ever loved as much as I love being his mother. It's so unbelievably fantastic. Seriously, my husband and I laugh and laugh every day, even the "bad" days.

If you had told me that I'd feel this way, I never would have believed you. If you had told me that I would go from a "I don't want to stay home with the kid, i want to be BACK AT WORK IMMEDIATELY!"-type to someone who works part-time from home so she can be with her son more, I would have guffawed in your face. If you had said I'd be so thrilled that we'd be planning for the "next" one, I would have just known you were lying.

But, it's all true.

As someone who has made the full, 180-degree change, I can tell you that if you do decide to have a child, you should prepare yourself for feeling almost anything. I know that I have really grappled with the changes in myself, the feeling that I am somehow letting the former me down because I don't care as much about my career or the latest indie film or reading "The New Yorker" any more.

And it's terribly obvious, but it's true that no one can ever adequately express to you how YOU and your life will change. It's like an orgasm--you just have to go through it yourself.

I wish you the best of luck. You'll sort it out.
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Old 02-06-2008, 04:02 PM
 
5,244 posts, read 4,218,229 times
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putting the medical factor into quotient is another thing....YES, he should care that you may be in a horrible situation. If it cannot happen for medical reasons, that is something you both have to live with and go on, together or separately...
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