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Parenting: children, marriage help,

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Old 01-25-2008, 05:30 PM
 
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I just finished reading this interesting book. What it is is a compilation of essays from writers who struggled with the question of whether or not to have kids. The book is divided into three parts: those who decided no, those on the fence, and those who decided to have kids.

The book was very thought-provoking. I read it because I am on the fence myself about having kids. I'm a woman in my early 30's, married for several years, but am truly on the fence about this. The essays really captured a lot of my thoughts on the topic. I will admit I identified most with the "no's" but I also agreed with a lot of what the "yesses" had to say.

I'm trying to do research in order to make an informed decision. I don't have any friends who are pregnant or who have kids, so it makes it harder to learn more about parenthood.
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Old 01-25-2008, 07:17 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
560 posts, read 1,966,830 times
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Good for you for being honest with yourself about your feelings of motherhood. Parenting is not for everyone and I have a lot of respect for those that recognize within themselves that they do not want children. Too many people have children because it is what they think is expected of them and realize to late that they don't have what it takes. It is very hard work being a parent, a good one at least, and there are many days that it is the most thankless job in the world. I have brought 4 children into this world, sadly my oldest passed away in 2001 at 14, but I have 3 remaining daughters. I always knew that I wanted children, and even though there are days that they are all for sale real cheap, I wouldn't change it for the world. I get so upset when I see "parents" who should have never had children and the rest of us have to deal with their children and the consequences of their lack of parenting skills. I see it daily in the classroom. ( I teach middleschool). Good luck with your soul searching and if you do decide to become a parent I am sure you will be a great one because you are approaching the decision with the seriousness it deserves.
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Old 01-25-2008, 09:40 PM
 
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May I know what's the name of the book?
Thanks.
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Old 01-25-2008, 09:49 PM
 
Location: Santa Barbara
1,474 posts, read 2,585,312 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by doglover29 View Post
I just finished reading this interesting book. What it is is a compilation of essays from writers who struggled with the question of whether or not to have kids. The book is divided into three parts: those who decided no, those on the fence, and those who decided to have kids.

The book was very thought-provoking. I read it because I am on the fence myself about having kids. I'm a woman in my early 30's, married for several years, but am truly on the fence about this. The essays really captured a lot of my thoughts on the topic. I will admit I identified most with the "no's" but I also agreed with a lot of what the "yesses" had to say.

I'm trying to do research in order to make an informed decision. I don't have any friends who are pregnant or who have kids, so it makes it harder to learn more about parenthood.
Go to google groups and spend some time reading both misc.kids.pregnancy and misc.kids (you can also throw in alt.mothers). These groups will give you a glimpse into parenting and it made ME realize that not having kids was the right decision for me. You also mention in previous posts that your husband works a lot (or is in school) and you don't see him that often. Unless he changes drastically, most of the child rearing will fall to your shoulders. Are you prepared for that? Parenting is a ton of work (and I am sure people that have kids are fine with it) but doing it alone most of the time WHILE working is something to think long and hard about. Think of it as a second career you will be undertaking.

Keeping your husbands opinion out of it, if you could do what you wanted, would you have kids or not? I know you have said he wants bio kids but if compromise were to be made that yes, you are parents but of adopted kids, how would that work for you and is he even willing to make such a compromise? It sounds like you are doing most of the soul searching and he wants what he wants when he wants it and is unwilling to change. I may be wrong, but that is what I picked up in your multiple posts.

Good luck as I know this is not a fun place to be in. But, if you don't wanna have kids, you just don't wanna.

I knew I didn't want to have kids but I still did a ton of research about it just to be sure. I couldn't have made a better decision.

J
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Old 01-25-2008, 10:06 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes + some
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You must really WANT kids in all fairness to them! The thing about having children, IMHO, is that there is no way of knowing beforehand the love that overwhelms you more than any other love you have had or will ever have and also no way of knowing how you have to basically give up the life you had before. No one can describe this to you - the loss of sleep in the early years leaving you so exhausted sometimes to the point of tears and the self-denial that is necessary in putting your child/children first. A WHOLE new way of life. It won't be as it was.
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Old 01-25-2008, 10:55 PM
 
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will it possible for us to be a mother who be able to love herself and love the children at the same time? feel less exhausted?
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Old 01-26-2008, 08:51 AM
 
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Originally Posted by jillz View Post
You also mention in previous posts that your husband works a lot (or is in school) and you don't see him that often. Unless he changes drastically, most of the child rearing will fall to your shoulders.

It sounds like you are doing most of the soul searching and he wants what he wants when he wants it and is unwilling to change. I may be wrong, but that is what I picked up in your multiple posts.
Re: the first paragraph, my husband works 70 hour weeks and is in a very demanding job. I told him that if we do have kids that I do not want to be the primary caregiver, so either he needs to go part-time and I'll parent part-time or we get a full-time, live-in nanny. He is okay with both options. But he knows that I do not want to stay at home with the child.


Re: the second paragraph, yes, I am doing all the soul searching because he is 100% sure he wants kids. I am 100% on the fence. So that's why I am doing all the research and all the soul searching.

By the way, the name of the book is "Maybe Baby."
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Old 01-26-2008, 08:52 AM
 
Location: Las Vegas
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Originally Posted by I_wonder View Post
will it possible for us to be a mother who be able to love herself and love the children at the same time? feel less exhausted?

I have never NOT loved myself while being a parent I think a lot of us parents sometime like to get carried away with telling those who don't have children how much work being a parent is. While it is true that parenting is a lot of work it is the best kind of work for those who go in to it for the right reasons. What are the "right " reasons? I think there are different answers to that question for everyone. I CAN tell you what some of the WRONG reasons are: trying to save a marriage, trying to keep a boyfriend, pressure from parents, pressure from spouse, everyone else around you is having children, it seems like the next step etc.
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Old 01-26-2008, 10:11 AM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes + some
2,885 posts, read 1,421,488 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by doglover29 View Post
Re: the first paragraph, my husband works 70 hour weeks and is in a very demanding job. I told him that if we do have kids that I do not want to be the primary caregiver, so either he needs to go part-time and I'll parent part-time or we get a full-time, live-in nanny. He is okay with both options. But he knows that I do not want to stay at home with the child.


Re: the second paragraph, yes, I am doing all the soul searching because he is 100% sure he wants kids. I am 100% on the fence. So that's why I am doing all the research and all the soul searching.

By the way, the name of the book is "Maybe Baby."
There are some women who have told me their husbands were the main parent in that the husband LOVED having the kids more than the mom. Some women like it; some women don't. The main thing, though, is not to have the kids think the nanny is their mom or feel closer to the nanny as she is not their mom and only temporary. If you work full-time then you have even more of an obligation to spend every other free moment with your child, and that is not just my opinion. When I had to work full-time I would not go out on weekends without my kids, never. I chose to have them, I wanted them, they did not ask to be born.

You don't have to soul search so much. You know if you do or don't want kids and it sounds like you don't.
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Old 01-26-2008, 10:26 AM
 
662 posts, read 5,148,492 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lillietta View Post

You don't have to soul search so much. You know if you do or don't want kids and it sounds like you don't.
Well, the reason that I have to soul search is because my husband wants kids. And I love my husband. So that is the problem. I don't want to deprive him of an experience that he wants so much just because I am on the fence about this. While I have never wanted kids affirmatively, I'm not sure that I don't want them. But he really wants them. And I want to be with him. So that's why I've been doing so much soul-searching.
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