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For my wife and I , Having a child brought a lot of turmoil into the home. As loving as we are, we are not the most patient parents, and our child is high energy. Having a child also raised the bar for me in my role as a provider. This took some getting used to. The stress of a tougher work life with a challenging time at home caused us a lot of grief.
Our marriage was tested. Parenting should be taken on by people who are patient, who are at least somewhat content in their lives.
On the flip side, Parenting brings you a kind of joy, that nothing else can.
Wow, I have never had kids- I did not realize the toll raising children has on parents.
I have not read the article yet, but I can say from personal experience that parenting can be one of the most vexing things a person does.
Yet it is also one of the most rewarding things a parent can do (provided the kids are not mutants).
I cannot imagine having a daughter, especially during those early teen years. But raising sons is a very rewarding experience that can fill you with pride as they are developing into the young man you raised them to be.
Wow, I have never had kids- I did not realize the toll raising children has on parents.
I am 67 years old and I can confirm that the unhappiness factor in my life which is directly related to having children is distressingly high... but that's only because they have grown up and moved away. It's true that if I had never had children I would not now be in the position of missing my children. But I wouldn't change a thing. Empty nest syndrome causes a genuine and ongoing level of depression and emptiness in seniors which every one of my friends my age are going through as well.
As for being unhappy and stressed out when my children were first born, most parents can tell you that the first time you hold your child and you smell that new baby smell and you bond with this little flesh and blood creation of your own, all the joy and love overwhelms the stress and the being constantly tired that accompanies brand new babies. The feeling is too profound and too deep to be put into words. And then you have years of them growing to look forward to. I am a man and a dad you understand, saying these things from experience. I enjoy spending time with my adult children, but they have their own lives now and no longer need me. Memories of their childhood now that my children are grown and gone, something that I treasured so much and which I know I can never have back again, THAT is the hardest part of being a parent. I would certainly do it all over.
If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for the right to hold you
From your head down to your toes
You're not much, goodness knows
But you're so precious to me
Sweet as can be, baby of mine
"Baby Mine," from the movie "Dumbo."
On the flip side, Parenting brings you a kind of joy, that nothing else can.
A joy that nothing else can bring you...for people who are parents For people who are childfree, they will get the same level of joy that you get by being a parent, from other wonderful and special people/things that are of the utmost meaning and importance to them.
A joy that nothing else can bring you...for people who are parents For people who are childfree, they will get the same level of joy that you get by being a parent, from other wonderful and special people/things that are of the utmost meaning and importance to them.
That is completely impossible for a childfree person to say since you have not experienced both states of existence.
That is completely impossible for a childfree person to say since you have not experienced both states of existence.
But it doesn't matter - having children would never bring me joy, because I don't want them. I'm finding it hard to explain what I'm trying to say, exactly. The kind of joy you're speaking of wouldn't be joy to me, you see, so to say that childfree people won't experience that level of joy isn't fair or accurate. That original statement essentially implies that my life, as a childfree person, won't ever contain the level of joy that a parent has - and that's absurd. It absolutely will, but it won't be because of children.
I love my 6 year old and my 15 year old. I am responsible for them, and that will not change until they can take care of theirselves.
But they do suck the happy life force right out of me. it's awful... Add to that, being married? No freedom, no happiness, and the last time I slept all night was May.
For some reason this post made me want to vomit. Sorry no offense to you lol! I know I might get flamed but that was honestly how I felt as I read this lmao.
I have a couple of mom friends like you who feel the same way. I like being a parent but I did not like being a Sahm and there are many times where I want to get the h3ll away from my son.
I'm a mom but so much more, it's hard to explain but while my son gave me purpose and made me a better person, I still yearn for more than just being his mother. Perhaps that's why I work and am in grad school right now. I don't go out as often as I did before I had him, but I do go out, I love drinks and bars, I love working out, and I shop til I drop because I like looking good and have a shoe and purse fetish. There are just so many things beyond him that I enjoy. I have many goals and I'm excited about them. I don't know if this makes me a bad parent for admitting that.
I've always considered myself a middle of the road parent because I enjoy my son but need space and things outside of him to feel complete. Still, I've always wondered what it was like to be a parent that feels as attached to parenting as you. Because before I had my son I had thought I would love parenting the same way you do, but then I discovered I needed more...
Perhaps I had my son too young but the thought of devoting my life to babies and feeling as if that is my purpose feels overwhelmingly constraining. And again this is no offense to you because I think it's wonderful that parenting is your purpose.
One of the moms I'm friends with is like you and not only is she a Sahm but she will be homeschooling her daughters and she will become a foster parent when her kids get older. That's how much joy and purpose she feels as a parent. The other mom used to be like you... She loved her two boys and was a Sahm in a miserable marriage. She was so attached to her boys they when it was time for her son to start first grade she fried because she missed having him home with her during the day. Long story short, months went by, I got back in touch with her and about a month after one of her son's started first grade she started to check out... As in she started to feel confined as a parent and as a wife. Around this time she started to refer to her son's as "monsters" that sucked the life out of her. She then left her husband, moved in with another wife that left her husband and she began sleeping with various married men, and leaving her kids at home with her roommate who chain smoked and drank a lot. The kids began cursing a lot and turned into really bad kids. She got truancy notes because her son missed so many days of school. She then took a job two hours away and says she couldn't be happier. She drops her kids off at 6am at the babysitters house, then commutes for two hours to work. Picks them up at 6, heads to the gym, gets home by 8 and they are off to sleep. She spends very little time with them. It's like she's a completely different person. To be fair she has many issues which I wont get into but she transformed from feeling like her purpose was to be a parent to now wanting very little to do with her boys. She is not the norm obviously but to me she does reflect the few women who have children, find purpose in being mothers, but then yearn for more. While I don't support her extreme shift in parenting I do understand not feeling content just being a mom. I think it's great that there are parents that feel happier once they've had children.
I also think it's great that there are parents that can admit how hard it is, and how much it drains from you. I think we all agree though that parenting gives you more purpose and can change you in many positive ways. It's very rewarding even when it sucks lol.
I understand where you are coming from, and I get that it makes you want to vomit, because it would have made the pre-kid me want to vomit too!
To be fair, I will say this. Before I had kids, I finished school, finished grad school, got married, established a career, got a nice house and some cars, and checked off all of those little boxes of "things I wanted to get done". And I am also a full time working mom. Perhaps that's why I'm missing the "I need more" feeling, because I already got the rest of it done? I remember before having kids, having the "I need more" feeling rather urgently, and then the kids satisfied that feeling. But maybe the reason that having kids satisfied it was just because they were the last things on my list that I did? And maybe if I did it all in a different order, I would not have felt "done and happy" like I do now until I finished the other things on my list too?
Let me see if I can put it this way. Being a parent is the best thing I do, it is the thing that makes me most happy, but it is not the only thing I do. My identity is not JUST being a mom, my identity includes a whole bunch of things, my FAVORITE of which is being a mom. And while my kids are little, all my efforts are geared towards making me a better mom, including working full time, both to stay sane and to provide a higher standard of living for my kids. I work, and it gives me a life outside of my kids, but I do this in order to make myself a better mom. Make sense?
I am 67 years old and I can confirm that the unhappiness factor in my life which is directly related to having children is distressingly high... but that's only because they have grown up and moved away. It's true that if I had never had children I would not now be in the position of missing my children. But I wouldn't change a thing. Empty nest syndrome causes a genuine and ongoing level of depression and emptiness in seniors which every one of my friends my age are going through as well.
As for being unhappy and stressed out when my children were first born, most parents can tell you that the first time you hold your child and you smell that new baby smell and you bond with this little flesh and blood creation of your own, all the joy and love overwhelms the stress and the being constantly tired that accompanies brand new babies. The feeling is too profound and too deep to be put into words. And then you have years of them growing to look forward to. I am a man and a dad you understand, saying these things from experience. I enjoy spending time with my adult children, but they have their own lives now and no longer need me. Memories of their childhood now that my children are grown and gone, something that I treasured so much and which I know I can never have back again, THAT is the hardest part of being a parent. I would certainly do it all over.
If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for the right to hold you
From your head down to your toes
You're not much, goodness knows
But you're so precious to me
Sweet as can be, baby of mine
"Baby Mine," from the movie "Dumbo."
I'm terrified of empty nest syndrome. I'm going to need a really good therapist and a puppy dog or two to keep me sane enough to look happy around my kids when they visit from college and beyond, lol.
Sounds like you did the dad thing just right. Grats
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