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Why don't you take away all luxuries/non-necessities unless they meet your standards regarding school, work, rent, etc., but continue to feed and shelter them? Sounds like a good first step.
Oh, you just can't. I know, I know.
I don't provide luxuries for them. They have food and a roof over their head. That's why my only leverage is to drop them off at a homeless shelter.
Take a long vacation by yourself. Move in with a friend or relative for awhile. Take the grocery money with you. Only contrbute to mortgage and debts you owe. No utilities phone or cable. When they call to ask you when are you coming home have your issues ready to present in a non confrontational way.
I would so love to do this. If it were just me I would have gone and stayed with a friend out of state this past summer and left them to figure out how to feed themselves. If they had to actually pay their own way for a while they might appreciate what has been done for them.
Assuming we're still in this pickle next summer (cannot take vacations during the school year) this is one to suggest to dh. We take off and make sure the cupboards are bare before we leave.
I was in a similar situation my daughter and boyfriend and their child lived with me (until they could get on their feet) and when the boyfriend started going out and staying out all night that became a issue he would become confrontational my daughter wanted him gone.
When I said I want you out of my house now he laughted at me and said good luck with that!! he said im not going anywhere I said fine I will call the cops and have you taken out, he said wait I will call them for you which he did. cops came and said sorry there is nothing that we can do you have to leagally have him evicted. they told me to go and start the process to have him evicted.
they left he laughted at me and told me , since I have been here for 2 months now and get my mail from here you are stuck with me. I felt trapped in my own house. thankfully he moved into this new girlfriends house and I didn't have to start the eviction process he was gone 3 days later.
WOW. I always thought you had the legal right to kick someone out who was living with you. I'll have to look into this. If this is the case I may not even have the right to kick them out without going through the eviction process.
WOW. I always thought you had the legal right to kick someone out who was living with you. I'll have to look into this. If this is the case I may not even have the right to kick them out without going through the eviction process.
There have been a number of threads about evicting unwelcome relatives/guests.
In some states all it takes is for the guest to receive one letter addressed to them at that address and they become legal residents, even if they never pay a cent of rent or have their names on any leases or mortgages. Some posters have shared how it took them months and months of costly legal procedures to get an unwelcomed guest/squatter/relative out of their house. In other states, or in other situations, it may be very easy to get someone out.
Hopefully, something like that will not happen to you.
WOW. I always thought you had the legal right to kick someone out who was living with you. I'll have to look into this. If this is the case I may not even have the right to kick them out without going through the eviction process.
You DO have the right to kick them out. You have to follow the law for evicting someone in your state but you can get them out. I am not sure why people are afraid of the eviction process.
I haven't read through all the replies, but I don't think "dropping them off at a homeless shelter" is a viable option. If your daughter's DH is employed, but not making enough money to support his family, then Social Services (food stamps, housing vouchers, etc.) can help supplement his income, until he can make more money. HE needs to man up and do whatever he needs to do to support HIS FAMILY. You can help by investigating those options and take him (& your daughter) by the hand, if need be, to sign up. Clearly, your daughter and her husband need to make more money. Until your daughter can also work, her husband needs to be the one to bring in more money, so encourage him to get another job, maybe several jobs, whatever it takes to make enough to become self-sufficient. Investigate housing options & costs, so he knows what he's working towards. But, the bottom line is more money solves this problem and the way to get it is to work more. Period. Think of how good all of you will feel when your daughter and her family accomplishes this goal. GL
Why don't you take away all luxuries/non-necessities unless they meet your standards regarding school, work, rent, etc., but continue to feed and shelter them? Sounds like a good first step.
Oh, you just can't. I know, I know.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
I don't provide luxuries for them. They have food and a roof over their head. That's why my only leverage is to drop them off at a homeless shelter.
Quote:
Originally Posted by afoigrokerkok
So you never buy/cook things they want to eat? You never let them cook what they want?
They never watch TV?
They never use your Internet?
They never use your washing machine? (Yes, that's a luxury - hand washing is possible.)
Neither of them is on your cell phone plan?
I'm sure you're providing more than basic food and shelter.
I remember a co-worker telling us that she and her husband were doing the same thing with their daughter (just the essentials, only basic food & housing). But when asked for details, she sheepishly admitted that they had to pay her car payments or DD would lose her new car, and they had to keep her on their car insurance because it was "so much cheaper", and ditto for the cell phone plan (which she & hubby paid). And, they "couldn't let her default on her student loans" Plus, it was "so much easier" just to buy all of the groceries and cook big meals for everyone (including DD). And, of course, DD used the internet, and of course she used the "family" detergent, shampoo, tooth paste, etc. And, "sometimes" they put gas in her car and "sometimes" they gave her money to buy fast food.
It ended up that "the bare essentials" (which included car payments, student loans, cell phone, car insurance, extra cash, etc.) probably cost my co-worker and husband over $1,000 a month and all the time they were telling themselves that they were just providing their daughter "the essentials".
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Or are you truly following the Tough Love strategies of just a mattress on the floor and no door on the bedroom (perhaps, that may have delayed pregnancy number two)?
I know it must be very, very hard but you and hubby need to be strong and provide a united front for DD to grow up and take responsibility for her actions. I really, truly hope that it works out and DD will end up growing up and becomes a full fledged, independent adult.
Last edited by germaine2626; 09-23-2015 at 04:37 PM..
I know it must be very, very hard but you and hubby need to be strong and provide a united front for DD to grow up and take responsibility for her actions.
Good post. We all know that kids--of ANY age--have a sixth sense when it comes to determining when their parents are not united on a major issue.
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I would so love to do this. If it were just me I would have gone and stayed with a friend out of state this past summer and left them to figure out how to feed themselves. If they had to actually pay their own way for a while they might appreciate what has been done for them. 
