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I agree that this kid needs professional help, but if the parents can't even attend PTA meetings, they aren't going to put in the effort to secure regular counseling/therapy.
OP, one of the best lessons in life I've ever learned is that when you encounter a problem that you didn't create and can't fix, you must let it go. Unfortunately, this is one of those times. I'm sorry for the boy.
This isn't the relationships board, but this relationship has a TON of red flags. First of all, this woman's child is CLEARLY having severe difficulties and she's not advocating for him. A five year old with those problems needs help. He's supposed to be her focus, and yet she's not stepping up because she doesn't want to rock the boat with HER OWN CHILD. That's a MAJOR character issue.
Secondly, you've been together a year, so she knows your dogs are important to you. She hasn't put her foot down with her child and just being around that kid is endangering them. If they bite him (which it sounds like he would deserve), they could end up being declared vicious or you could end up getting sued by his father.
Your "partner" is not a partner at all. She's industriously failing both her son and you. Get out now. Trust me - I speak as someone who dearly loved a man who was a crappy parent to his kid (who I also loved dearly). I left because he wouldn't step up to be the father his child needed. As far as I'm concerned, that alone is unforgivable in a partner. I don't want kids of my own, but personally I couldn't be with someone who didn't make every effort to do right by their child.
I could not agree more, also speaking with the voice of experience. And, in my case, I did have a custodial husband who dutifully attended every IEP meeting for an unspecified learning disorder, (I think the diagnosis was seriously wrong), who followed up with doctor visits and therapy for years, who placed my stepdaughter in residential treatment when needed and who acknowledged my concerns. Had he not been that way, I never would have touched the situation. With a dedicated parent and a team of experts guiding you, the child should get better right? Not necessarily, and when they becomes teens, the problems explode exponentially.
Even with DH's dedication and good intentions, if I had it to over, I would not make the same mistake. I'd walk away.
Then there's this: the stepdaughter now has two kids. One is so violent that his PreK sought an evaluation two weeks after school started. Unlike DH, my stepdaughter is completely indifferent to the need for professional help. The child has a cognitive communication disorder. He needs medication and therapy. The parents are not pursuing it. It's been a year and a half since the diagnosis and they've done nothing but deny that there is an issue. DH has been wanting us to get more involved and I won't do it. I can't do it again, I just don't have it in me. We have even less control over this situation than we did over the last so why would it work? DH is furious that I am not being supportive, so much so that an undercurrent of anger has invaded the marriage and we are in a pretty bad place right now.
OP, don't go further with this. It never ends and it will slowly break your heart.
I agree. What the heck is going on with mom?? Most mothers are granted custody. Why not your partner? Not saying that's necessarily a bad thing, but it's unusual and there's a reason.
So are his issues due to acting out, or is there a genetic component? Both? How attentive of a father does dad seem?
I am wondering if some of these issues are because his mother is now with a woman, not his father, and he is confused.
I would not rehome my animals; I would be going with them. Your girlfriend is not doing her part in being a mother to this boy.
Thank you everyone for your responses. This has definitely been eye opening. I had a talk with her about why she hasn't been involved with his school etc.. she broke down and cried, felt guilty. I do think at this point there really isn't much I can do. It's not in my power to change this situation. I don't have children of my own, but I can't imagine not being as involved as possible. He's not even my child and I feel like I'm the more involved one. This all is definitely making me take a step back and reevaluate the situation, as well as my relationship. I do not want the weekends he is here to simply just be damage control, which I feel that it is. I feel very sorry for her poor son. And I know Ive carried a lot of guilt because I haven't been able to do more for him. I really thank everyone who gave constructive advise for me.
Thank you everyone for your responses. This has definitely been eye opening. I had a talk with her about why she hasn't been involved with his school etc.. she broke down and cried, felt guilty. I do think at this point there really isn't much I can do. It's not in my power to change this situation. I don't have children of my own, but I can't imagine not being as involved as possible. He's not even my child and I feel like I'm the more involved one. This all is definitely making me take a step back and reevaluate the situation, as well as my relationship. I do not want the weekends he is here to simply just be damage control, which I feel that it is. I feel very sorry for her poor son. And I know Ive carried a lot of guilt because I haven't been able to do more for him. I really thank everyone who gave constructive advise for me.
She can't change the past, but can she begin to be more involved in his school now? The first step would be to contact the school and ask for a conference with his teachers. That way she can get unbiased information about his problems and see if they believe he needs an evaluation.
Montessori being so unstructured in terms of learning may or may not be so good for him. While she cannot change what his dad does, she can find out more and can perhaps figure out what professional help he might need.
Montessori being so unstructured in terms of learning may or may not be so good for him. While she cannot change what his dad does, she can find out more and can perhaps figure out what professional help he might need.
I agree, Montessori is probably the worst school for an ADHD or Autistic kid.
I don't know much about montessori schools, to be honest. I guess I thought they were more structured? After our talk it sounds like a lot of her disconnect from her son has to do with her previous relationship before me. Her girlfriend would get very jealous of not only her son, but also of the child's father. My partner has not been with the child's father for about two and a half years. I have been as supportive as possible about how the time with her son should be the most important. I grew up with a mother that was emotionally disconnected - so I would never wish that upon any child.
She said she would email her sons school, but I told her calling would probably be a better idea. With him starting kindergarten I can't imagine they don't have some sort of 'meet the teacher' day.
I have tried for her to be more involved with her sons life for quite a while now. She's never been to her sons father's house, so she's never seen where her son lives. She's never met the father's current girlfriend who lives with him either. I have suggested many times we probably all should meet. It wasn't until two weeks ago after my suggestion that she even asked her child's dad what his address was in case of an emergency.
I guess since I never dated someone with a kid I didn't know what the norm was with split custody, just always had a guy feeling that this wasn't ideal.
I know she can't go back and change the past, but hopefully will be there more for him in the future. This truly breaks my heart
After our talk it sounds like a lot of her disconnect from her son has to do with her previous relationship before me.
She said she would email her sons school, but I told her calling would probably be a better idea. With him starting kindergarten I can't imagine they don't have some sort of 'meet the teacher' day.
I have tried for her to be more involved with her sons life for quite a while now. She's never been to her sons father's house, so she's never seen where her son lives. She's never met the father's current girlfriend who lives with him either. I have suggested many times we probably all should meet. It wasn't until two weeks ago after my suggestion that she even asked her child's dad what his address was in case of an emergency.
This is going to be harsh, but you might need to hear it. Your girlfriend is shirking her parental duties, while you keep making up excuses for her.
You're seriously going to blame her last girlfriend for the reason she has nothing to do with her son? C'mon.
She obviously doesn't give a damn, otherwise, she would get him a lot more often and would be far more involved with him and his life.
Your girlfriend's kid is with his dad for a reason. A good one.
I suggest you part ways from this jerk of a woman. If she can't even commit to her kid, she won't commit to anyone.
I don't know much about montessori schools, to be honest. I guess I thought they were more structured? After our talk it sounds like a lot of her disconnect from her son has to do with her previous relationship before me. Her girlfriend would get very jealous of not only her son, but also of the child's father. My partner has not been with the child's father for about two and a half years. I have been as supportive as possible about how the time with her son should be the most important. I grew up with a mother that was emotionally disconnected - so I would never wish that upon any child.
She said she would email her sons school, but I told her calling would probably be a better idea. With him starting kindergarten I can't imagine they don't have some sort of 'meet the teacher' day.
I have tried for her to be more involved with her sons life for quite a while now. She's never been to her sons father's house, so she's never seen where her son lives. She's never met the father's current girlfriend who lives with him either. I have suggested many times we probably all should meet. It wasn't until two weeks ago after my suggestion that she even asked her child's dad what his address was in case of an emergency.
I guess since I never dated someone with a kid I didn't know what the norm was with split custody, just always had a guy feeling that this wasn't ideal.
I know she can't go back and change the past, but hopefully will be there more for him in the future. This truly breaks my heart
Montessori schools are great for self-motivated learners. They are structured only in terms of the materials being structured, but the students are choosing their own materials (especially at ages 3 to 6). He may only be working with particular concepts and the teachers generally don't interfere with that. Of course, it depends on the particular school - the name Montessori is not trademarked so anyone can open a school and call it Montessori.
Here is an introduction to classical Montessori Education:
I agree that finding out about and attending the Meet the Teacher day would be a good first step. Since he is beginning kindergarten, her involvement is more important than it was in preschool. It is definitely odd that she and her ex are not co-parenting. My son and his ex share all medical and educational decisions at this point. He has his kids one weekday and every other weekend (although that is changing some for his daughter as she and her mom are not getting along - she's a teenager now - so he will have primary physical custody for her and mom will have one day a week and every other weekend for her starting this school year). Does she pay child support?
This is going to be harsh, but you might need to hear it. Your girlfriend is shirking her parental duties, while you keep making up excuses for her.
You're seriously going to blame her last girlfriend for the reason she has nothing to do with her son? C'mon.
She obviously doesn't give a damn, otherwise, she would get him a lot more often and would be far more involved with him and his life.
Your girlfriend's kid is with his dad for a reason. A good one.
I suggest you part ways from this jerk of a woman. If she can't even commit to her kid, she won't commit to anyone.
You cannot say this since you don't know the circumstances. It may be that when she came out the judges favored the dad because of her homosexuality. With help and a good partner, it may be that this can be remedied. If not, then you are right and the OP should move on, but not without a good faith effort for the child who needs both his mom and his dad.
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