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much as you do? You have to let go of that mentality. Do what is best for the kids and don't worry about what he does. Hardest part. Get to know the girlfriend and try to appreciate what positives she can bring to the situation, away from the context of your husband.
It takes practice.
I have been right where you are.[/quote]
So you suggest I continue driving back and forth multiple times a day to take my kids to and from his home? What do I have the wrong attitude about? Its not about bending. Its about parenting
If i needed a sitter i would hire one.
Keep in mind he made no effort to contact us over the summer although we repeatedly tried him. And had I bent and took the kids (though I did ask them from time to time if they wanted to go) we would not have found him as he moved without letting us know. I still don't know exactly where he's living..
Now, the more I'm reading the responses, I do feel as though I should have allowed him to take them last Friday, and that perhaps communication through the gf is my best option.
The court order says the kids are to be collected by their father. He does not have transportation, and refuses to find alternatives for their collection (when my car was off the road I arranged a pick-up service for them mornings and afternoons). Additionally, my kids are involved in various activities (by their choosing) which he refuses to support. (Albeit he would attend prizegivings and recitals as if he contributed in anyway). Therefore, to avoid them missing out, i was taking them to their activities, and then dropping them to their father. I also had to return during his time to get them to and from their activities (and then back again sunday evenings to collect them to come home).
With school being out, and their activities finished for the summer, his time with them would be free and clear. Therefore, I asked that he collect them as he is supposed to. The kids currently catch the bus into the city aftersschool (where I normally collect them) and he could have collected them from there (as that's where he catches the bus home from). He could have even discussed other arrangements if needed be.
He was a 20 minute drive from me, but on Fridays his house was on the way home from football. Of we didn't go football ( and I would let him know ahead of time, so thay he could collecr them) i wouldnt go out of my way tp take them. I also stopped gping out of my way because we went to his house on numerous occassions tobfind him not there. I would try to call and see what was going on but no reaponse.
I am glad i never tried to take them over the summer because come to find out he has moved further away, now 40 minuted away.
I have always taken the transportation issue as an excuse, because he has no problem getting around where he wants to go. I also agree that the activities on the weekend were a little much, and so i have scheduled this uear with most of their activities after school (a few activities i could not avoid, but what kid doesnt want their father supporting them at baseball?) I had also recommended at one point that he took a few evenings during the week to maximize his time, but he said the weekends are OK. We are supposed to alternate holidays, but he doesn't call or come for them on those days either. In fact the last holiday before summer I purposely did not pick them up on the Sunday, and he dropped them to me Monday morning.
I do not see any effort or desire from him to spend more time with his kids. He used to tell me, this is what I wanted. By leaving him, I wanted to do things on my own. For the most part it does not bother me at all. They are my kids and I do every and anything that I need to do without complaint. Where there is no way I find it. But it hurts my heart to see my kids whoa daddy is their hero, hurting and missing their daddy.
Michelle,
I don't have kids, but I HAVE watched a lot of Judge Judy! Seriously...she handles a lot of exes suing each other for various things over the kids. I've heard it all. Also, I worked in the legal field for decades...I worked in business lit, but also helped out on family law.
Judge Judy would tell the father, you, and the new wife: The new wife needs to stay out of arrangements regarding the children with their parents. The kids are not hers. She has no say so and no rights regarding the children. She shouldn't even be present when the kids are picked up or dropped off, if her presence interferes with the exchange in any way, or if she is an irritant to the ex-wife.
Michele...if the dad gets divorced, the new wife will no longer be involved at all with your children. It is not wise to involve her now, and her opinions mean nothing. Giving her messages for your husband is inappropriate, and her texting you about your children is inappropriate, IMO. She sounds from your OP like a decent person, but she really is a bystander here and should not be involved with your children's relationship or arrangements between the you and the kids' dad.
Sounds to me like the dad doesn't want to talk to you. Probably hostility between you? Too bad. If he wants his kids to be in his life, it's his responsibility to see to it. He can text you, if he doesn't want to speak with you personally. I sincerely hope you two can learn to be civil and eventually even friendly, for the kids' sake. You two are tied together for life.
I doubt your kids will hold it against you if they don't see their dad as much as they want. Kids pretty much know who is taking care of them and their needs, and who is brushing them off. You can't protect them from a dad who doesn't want the inconvenience of picking up his kids.
Do you have a job? I'm wondering if that's a factor...that you have more time than he has?
Why doesn't he or his wife have a car? How do they get around? How does he get to work or the doctor's office or the grocery store?
If he doesn't have a car, and there is a good reason for it (he's poor or uninsurable, or isn't allowed to have a license), I would transport the kids there, but I would do it infrequently.
He's a big boy. He went and had two kids. If he wants to see them and share in their upbringing, he needs transportation to do that. Just like he needs to pay his share of their expenses (just like you do). But like I say, I would transport the kids, if there's a good reason why he can't get a car, but I would do it infrequently.
I'm guessing he doesn't contribute extra money to things, like you mention, because he's already paying a hefty child support bill every month, which doesn't leave a lot left? Or is he wealthy? Not enough info on that part.
So you suggest I continue driving back and forth multiple times a day to take my kids to and from his home? What do I have the wrong attitude about? Its not about bending. Its about parenting
If i needed a sitter i would hire one.
Keep in mind he made no effort to contact us over the summer although we repeatedly tried him. And had I bent and took the kids (though I did ask them from time to time if they wanted to go) we would not have found him as he moved without letting us know. I still don't know exactly where he's living..
Now, the more I'm reading the responses, I do feel as though I should have allowed him to take them last Friday, and that perhaps communication through the gf is my best option.
No. You are caught up in vague logistics. I am suggesting that you start again. Leave the past in the past. Set up a formal visitation schedule, with backstops and contingencies that are easy for you, and present it via email (not on the phone) and let him have some input. Let him know that it is a fresh start and you will work it out together, especially transportation.
One you have gone back and forth, and determined a communication plan for when plans change, then everyone is on the same page. Make sure he has all the buy in he needs to feel that he is getting what he wants. Make sure he knows that if he doesn't show up you have a back up plan for that.
No more phone calls, everything is email or text. Tighten things up.
No. You are caught up in vague logistics. I am suggesting that you start again. Leave the past in the past. Set up a formal visitation schedule, with backstops and contingencies that are easy for you, and present it via email (not on the phone) and let him have some input. Let him know that it is a fresh start and you will work it out together, especially transportation.
One you have gone back and forth, and determined a communication plan for when plans change, then everyone is on the same page. Make sure he has all the buy in he needs to feel that he is getting what he wants. Make sure he knows that if he doesn't show up you have a back up plan for that.
No more phone calls, everything is email or text. Tighten things up.
I don't have kids, but I HAVE watched a lot of Judge Judy! Seriously...she handles a lot of exes suing each other for various things over the kids. I've heard it all. Also, I worked in the legal field for decades...I worked in business lit, but also helped out on family law.
Judge Judy would tell the father, you, and the new wife: The new wife needs to stay out of arrangements regarding the children with their parents. The kids are not hers. She has no say so and no rights regarding the children. She shouldn't even be present when the kids are picked up or dropped off, if her presence interferes with the exchange in any way, or if she is an irritant to the ex-wife.
Michele...if the dad gets divorced, the new wife will no longer be involved at all with your children. It is not wise to involve her now, and her opinions mean nothing. Giving her messages for your husband is inappropriate, and her texting you about your children is inappropriate, IMO. She sounds from your OP like a decent person, but she really is a bystander here and should not be involved with your children's relationship or arrangements between the you and the kids' dad.
Sounds to me like the dad doesn't want to talk to you. Probably hostility between you? Too bad. If he wants his kids to be in his life, it's his responsibility to see to it. He can text you, if he doesn't want to speak with you personally. I sincerely hope you two can learn to be civil and eventually even friendly, for the kids' sake. You two are tied together for life.
I doubt your kids will hold it against you if they don't see their dad as much as they want. Kids pretty much know who is taking care of them and their needs, and who is brushing them off. You can't protect them from a dad who doesn't want the inconvenience of picking up his kids.
Do you have a job? I'm wondering if that's a factor...that you have more time than he has?
Why doesn't he or his wife have a car? How do they get around? How does he get to work or the doctor's office or the grocery store?
If he doesn't have a car, and there is a good reason for it (he's poor or uninsurable, or isn't allowed to have a license), I would transport the kids there, but I would do it infrequently.
He's a big boy. He went and had two kids. If he wants to see them and share in their upbringing, he needs transportation to do that. Just like he needs to pay his share of their expenses (just like you do). But like I say, I would transport the kids, if there's a good reason why he can't get a car, but I would do it infrequently.
I'm guessing he doesn't contribute extra money to things, like you mention, because he's already paying a hefty child support bill every month, which doesn't leave a lot left? Or is he wealthy? Not enough info on that part.
He has been paying child support for the of the four years. The amount was set when my daughter was in nursery, and is not really relevant today. I have asked him to assist me with school expenses and pay for one child for camps when school is out, but he refuses. He doesn't provide any other support.
I can't speak for his girlfriend but there is no reason why he doesn't have a car. He has always used transportation as an excuse for his lazy parenting, even in court. He manages to get around by bus, taxi and borrowing friend's cars. He has no problem getting where he wants to go.
I think you may need to go back to court to rehash everything. He is still financially responsible for the judgement until it is changed. You can revisit visitation.
You may want to use the money to pay for transportation for the kids.
You should have said yes. He's your ex, not your kid. It's petty to refuse access if he doesn't come begging to you first so you can get satisfaction out of scolding him. Now I agree it's acceptable to expect him to do the driving if that is what your judgment says, and especially if he moves further away, but here was an opportunity for your kids to see their father that you blocked seemingly out of spite.
Nonsense. There is nothing there to indicate spitefulness, but I wouldn't blame her for feeling frustrated.
I don't think the kids missed much by not seeing a father who obviously doesn't care enough to shoulder his own burden in transporting them or calling them and who also moved further away from them. Let them see him for who he is.
I also would not discount the possibility that the girlfriend—who seems to intercede often—is actually in some way encouraging the father to turn away from his children with his ex-wife, because she wants him to save time and money for the children she wants to have.
I hope the OP meets someone wonderful. A loving stepfather beats a lazy, deadbeat biological father any day of the week.
He has been paying child support for the of the four years. The amount was set when my daughter was in nursery, and is not really relevant today. I have asked him to assist me with school expenses and pay for one child for camps when school is out, but he refuses. He doesn't provide any other support.
I can't speak for his girlfriend but there is no reason why he doesn't have a car. He has always used transportation as an excuse for his lazy parenting, even in court. He manages to get around by bus, taxi and borrowing friend's cars. He has no problem getting where he wants to go.
I don't know why so many people are saying that you should continue doing all of the driving, especially after your ex decided to move twice the old distance away from his children. Driving 40 minutes just to drop off his children at his house & then driving home takes a big chunk of time for you plus gas money, and then doing the reverse at the end of the weekend is just too much. Obviously, the court did not agree with his feeble excuse (of having transportation problems) if they ruled that he was supposed to provide the transportation for his children both ways.
As I wrote earlier, if he can get everyplace that he wants to go without a car he should be able to pick up his children if he wants to see them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
Is your ex able to get to work? To sporting events? To meet his buddies at a bar? Out on dates with his GF? To the mall, grocery store, pharmacy, etc?
Then he should be able to manage to pick up his children per the divorce decree.
Don't enable him. Let him be their father ---- if he wants to do that.
The whole idea of having kids live with one parent and visit the other, is the real root of the whole problem. Kids gradually become alienated from the noncustodial parent because they perceive an overall negative attitude about that parent. They get brainwashed unintentionally. The only cases where they don't become alienated are those where they like the noncustodial parent more than the custodial parent, and look forward to their visitation time as a chance to get away from the parent they don't like.
Noncustodial parents should not be blamed for seeming uninterested in their kids. They want what's best for their kids, but feel it's hopeless to have a good relationship with them, because of the brainwashing/alienation. Their only real hope is that they might have a good relationship with them after they grow up and leave the influence of the custodial parent.
You are really, really biased and are applying your own perception to the OP's situation when it does not apply at all.
Trust me OP, you have the WRONG attitude. If you care about your kids (and that means enabling their close relationship with their father) you need to bend a little. Your unresolved feelings for your ex (good and bad) are getting in the way of the harmony that blended families absolute require. It's ok, just realize that and put them aside.
So what if he doesn't bend as much as you do? You have to let go of that mentality. Do what is best for the kids and don't worry about what he does. Hardest part. Get to know the girlfriend and try to appreciate what positives she can bring to the situation, away from the context of your husband.
It takes practice.
I have been right where you are.
I disagree completely. The OP has been bending plenty by providing ALL transportation for four years. She has been doing what's best for the kids by facilitating a relationship when he has shown minimal interest. What else should she do, camp out in his backyard?
As for the girlfriend, that is inappropriate. Who knows how long she'll be around? So the OP should make arrangements through her, and then any successive girlfriends because her ex is acting like a lazy child? Nope. Boyfriends/girlfriends have no place in making child care arrangements or decisions. If the ex and the girlfriend get married, then maybe, but not until then.
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