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Unread 01-29-2008, 06:47 AM
 
8 posts, read 21,123 times
Reputation: 14
Default My 13-yr-old doesn't want to move...any opinions?

Well, as I posted before, my husband has a job offer in Nashville. He would get about a $30,000 salary increase. I wouldn't have to work while my boys get adjusted to a new area. However, my youngest son does not want to move. Before I go on, let me explain my situation the best I can. My boys do not have the same dad. My oldest son's father passed away from cancer when he was a baby. Then I married my 2nd husband and had a baby. We divorced a short time after. Anyway, my ex makes a difference between the boys even though he has always paid support on both and has visitation with both every other weekend. My ex is always trying to pressure my youngest to move in with him which would devastate me. Maybe I am selfish but I think he needs to stay with me. I try to instill in my boys what family is all about. My ex trys to win them over by material things. Anyway, my family consists of my mother and brother and his wife. I would be 2 1/2 hrs away from them which is a concern to me. But if my 13-yr-old decides to move in with his dad and I move to TN....I just don't know if I could handle that. I would be so far from him even though 2 1/2 hrs isn't like being across the country. I would feel like a mother who is a piece of crap for letting her son move in with his dad while she moves away. On the flip-side, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for my husband. He tries to tell me that even if we stay where we are now that my son could decide to move in with his dad because he is of age now. Just thinking about that chance puts a knot in my stomach and a hole in my heart. Plus, I would want to keep both of my boys together. Is there anyone out there who has been in my situation or have any advice for me....even if it is not what I want to hear?
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Unread 01-29-2008, 07:34 AM
 
Location: Beautiful Tennessee
270 posts, read 511,647 times
Reputation: 67
Sorry to hear about your situation. I can imagine how hard it is. Have you checked with a lawyer or read over your divorce papers to see if you can even take the boys out of state? If you can take them out could you make a "deal" with your youngest, let him go to his Dad's everyother weekend still and maybe spend his summers there? I'm also concerned about your oldest son....you said "ex makes a difference between the boys " , that must be hard for him. Your son will always be your son even if he is 2 1/2 hours away. It doesn't make you a bad Mom to let him go and heck he may miss you and decide to move after you. I think if you explain why your moving and maybe explain how his brother must feel not being wanted too maybe he will change his mind? Ask him to give it a try for 1 year and if he isn't happy then you will let him go to his Dad's. You have been through alot I'm sure you could handle it. Keep your head up and do what is best for the whole family. Best wishes!
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Unread 01-29-2008, 08:06 AM
 
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
190 posts, read 301,370 times
Reputation: 126
Hello,

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. It is difficult. I am divorced and remarried also. Our move to Nashville was kind of similar, we couldn't say no to the job opportunity for my husband and the opportunities that opened up for our family as a whole. It was about a 2 and a half hour move too, though still within the state. My daughter was 10 at the time of the move. She wasn't thrilled, but she could see that it was the right move. Her bio father has tried to manipulate her for years to move in with him. She's 14 now and has finally seen the light, so to speak, for herself. It was a hard few years though because she felt such guilt about not living with him. I guess I was a hard mom, but I knew beyond doubt that living with us was the best thing for her. (for various reasons I won't bother going into) So, I just kept refusing to let her go. Yes, they could have taken me to court over it, but that never happened. We made sure her visitation stayed the same, every other weekend at her dad's and several weeks in the summer. Since your move is obviously not for vindictive reasons and your son's visitation time with his dad can remain the same, it doesn't seem like it would be a problem. As someone else posted, you'll want to check your custody agreement for sure. This is just my opinion, but I don't think a 13-year-old ought to be put in the position of even being "able" to decide where they live. That's what really angered me about my ex's behavior. To keep telling our daughter that it was "up to her" and "she could decide now" was just mean and caused her a lot of unnecessary guilt and pain. That's why I told her she had no choice unless they wanted to take it to court. Anyway, living in Nashville has really opened up her world. It's been great for the whole family, and we'd definitely make the same decision again if we had it to do over. She has a good relationship with her father and visits at least once a month now. As she's grown up and gotten involved in local things, it's harder to keep the every other weekend schedule. Thankfully, her father's eyes have kind of opened too, and he's pretty good about being flexible about when she goes there. All in all, it has worked out as well as possible. Good luck to you! I hope you can keep things amicable.
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Unread 01-29-2008, 09:09 AM
 
8 posts, read 21,123 times
Reputation: 14
Irreplaceable,
I agree, I need to check with my lawyer. You said maybe we could work out a "deal" with my son. The thing is....I won't be working so I can take him to his father every other weekend and I have told him that. I think he doesn't want to go because he is comfortable here and he has his best friend just within walking distance that can come over anytime her wants. I have tried to tell his dad how stressed and nervous he makes our son every time he talks to him about moving in with him and my son ALWAYS tells him no. I just don't know why he doesn't back off. Thanks for the advice. I'll try to keep my chin up!
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Unread 01-31-2008, 01:15 PM
 
Location: Utah
68 posts, read 158,405 times
Reputation: 31
Been there done that so many times. We have seven children. Mine, hers, ours, and the one that came for the weekend and never went away. Four of them have moved back and forth between the different fams for a variety of reasons.

My daughter came back to us becasue her mothers lifestyle was not acceptable to her. Nothing legally wrong with it, nothing unsafe, just not as family/church oriented as our home and she came back.

One of my wife's son's went to his Dad's and was back in three weeks.

One of her daughters went to Dad's and it was the best thing that ever happened to her becasue she gets private tutors, more individualized attention at home, and designer label clothes. (important to her, none of the others) She was struggling academically, socially, and now she is darn near a straight A student and guess what, she still loves us and calls all the time and see's us when she can. (Just texted me about three hours ago to say I love you out of the Blue) Once they get about 12/13 they begin to live their lives, not ours anymore. We are there to guide and protect but it's a time to do what is best for the child, not our own emotions. TRUST ME. I know how hard that is.

Step back form your emotions and if he will be fed, protected, and not corrupted, let him decide what is right for him. All of ours except one came back to us.
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Unread 02-01-2008, 12:44 PM
 
Location: St. Louis Metro East
511 posts, read 913,224 times
Reputation: 313
I'm so sorry you're having such trouble. We're kind of going through a similar situation, see post "Relocating with my teenage daughter."

Besides that, I wanted to let you know what happened with our kids when they were 13 and 15. These are my stepkids. There was an incident at their mom and stepdad's home one night where police were called, as weapons were involved. They were promptly removed from their mother's custody. They couldn't reach us for whatever reason, so the kids went to my MIL. We tried to step in, as we thought we should, and asked for custody of the kids, at least on a temporary basis, while their mom got things worked out. After months of court dates and emotional rollercoasters, we finally thought we were going to be awarded custody. She hadn't followed through on her therapy sessions, etc... Anyway, instead what happened was the Guardian Ad Litem, the court-appointed lawyer for the children, went before the judge and said they should be allowed to choose where they lived, as they were old enough. The judge agreed. The 15-year-old son chose to stay with my MIL for a year, then went back with his mom. They 13-year-old daughter went home to her mom immediately. That was 4 years ago. My daughter is now 17, and is in SERIOUS legal trouble because she was never parented, only pandered to. She was allowed by her mom to date a PAROLED FELON 3 years her senior, who caused her to end up in alternative education, lose two jobs, and then, as I stated before, got her into a whole WORLD of trouble. This loser was even living with them when everything finally went down, but that's not the point.

The point is that if you really believe that he would be better off with you, and it's still feasible for him to visit with his father (so that would be the same), then don't let go of him. He is 13, and he was placed in your care for a reason. He is not old enough to choose where he goes. I understand that this would take him outside of his comfort zone, but is that really a bad thing?

Absolutely make sure that you're within your legal rights by taking the boys out of the state. Make sure all of your t's are crossed, and your i's are dotted. Above all, though, follow your gut. If you think he's better off with you, then fight for him. If you think he's be equally as well off with his dad, then that's a decision you might consider. It all comes down to what is really best for the kids, and not whose feelings will be hurt.

I opted to let my younger daughter (Other daughter) stay with a friend until school is out. We have everything in writing, so there can be no confusion as to the agreement.

Just my two cents... keep us posted!

~Danielle
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Unread 02-02-2008, 01:05 PM
 
5,108 posts, read 7,053,952 times
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As hard as it may be to hear, it would be a high act of love to allow your son to choose where he wants to live. And in so doing, by letting him choose, it shows you have respect for him and his choices, which can only strengthen the relationship you have with him over the long haul.

It broke my heart when my sons decided to spend more time with their dad but i had to put their ability to choose for themself before my own self-interests.

Let him know you are always there for him and so he knows that, and he can always come back to you, which he may very well choose to do. There are no guarantees.

But as hard as it is he is growing into a young man and this is part of allowing him to grow up. If you do battle with him over this he will see it as you trying to prevent him from having a relationship with his dad and that he will hold against you for a long long time and can seriously damage your relationship with him.

Trust that he has the ability to choose well for himself and that is a high act of love.
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Unread 02-03-2008, 12:48 PM
 
Location: Jonquil City (aka Smyrna) Georgia- by Atlanta
16,250 posts, read 10,384,831 times
Reputation: 3587
It sounds to me like this is more about YOU and not the 13 year old. If the dad is a good man and paying his support every month, there is really no reason why the 13 year old cannot live with him if it is OK with both of them and come and visit you in Nashville. You don't say where you live now but Nashville is a pretty exciting place to be. So why don't you take the 13 year old there and show him around to some things he might like to do and then let him make up his own mind? He might decide the Big N is the place for him after all.
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Unread 02-03-2008, 12:54 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes + some
2,885 posts
Reputation: 346
It's a struggle, but it's about the child, weasal. He has had a lot of loss and change in his life (he definitely needs stability and no more change) and he needs to be where he feels most secure. Please trust me on this one. Real mother love is what is best for the child; we've had our day and they are defenseless and totally dependent on us, sometimes not in their best interests. It's his decision. You're not losing him for life.
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Unread 02-04-2008, 10:35 AM
 
5,108 posts, read 7,053,952 times
Reputation: 3437
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lillietta View Post
It's his decision. You're not losing him for life.
This post makes a good point. I have seen many young men (to me a 14 year old is a young man, not a boy) go off to live with "the other parent" and in so doing gain a greater appreciation for the parent they left. He can come back, too, but the important thing is that it is his choice, it is his life.

It really is true about setting free those that we love, and not binding them to us by force. Kids are on loan to us briefly, but their lives are their own. I hope she allows him to choose, and live his own life, including changing his mind many times about many things, including where he lives perhaps, but that is how he learns, from his own choices and his own experiences....not by a parent telling him what he really needs and what is better for him.

You will always be his mother, nothing can take that away. But the relationship with him changes form, and this is one important aspect of what that change looks like.
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