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My 12 year old son used to go to an afterschool program for years but now comes home alone at about 3:15 and hangs out until we get home anywhere between 4 - 5:30. We have a rule about no friends over when parents are not home. This is a hard rule for him to follow as he claims that kids just show up (occasionally, not everyday) and even if he goes outside to hang out with them they inevitably want to come inside. We say other kids can drop their backpacks off and then go hang out at the park or rec center or ice cream shop nearby nearby, but they are not supposed to be hanging out IN our house. Is this reasonable?
Yesterday I found about 7 or 8 kids in my basement playing Madden after school when I came home around 5:30.
I informed a few of the parents that I know well about our rule and about my son's difficulty following this rule (which gets him grounded from his electronics) so it would be great if they could mention it to their kids that they should not be hanging out here without parents present. Some of the kids I did not know.
Do you let your kids have friends over when you are still at work? We did not have a problem with my daughter at this age.
It's very reasonable to say no kids inside until a parent is home. There are liability issues at hand. And I wouldn't want crazy kids in my house without me watching. We changed the rules when our older kids hit 15/16 and they could have a few same sex friends inside in their space (the teen room mostly).
When they were 17/18 they could have girls in but not in bedrooms.
Not at that point yet with my kid but I'm a bit torn on that friend rule. On the one hand I can see why not having other kids over while I'm not there is wise, but on the other hand, it'd be nicer for my kid to have a friend over so she wouldn't be all alone. Maybe a compromise at one or two trusted friends (ones I know well, no new people I haven't had a chance to meet and get to know).
Now the kid I babysit I leave for half an hour while I'm picking my kid up from daycare (because she doesn't want to come with - her school-friend lives two doors down so she has somewhere to go if there's a problem), I need to set a rule with to keep her phone with her - today she was playing with her school-friend when I got back, saw me and my kid and decided it would be a good time to play hide and seek, looked all over for her asking in all the neighbours' houses that she might have gone in, before she decided to come out from hiding!
For us it really depends on the kids involved and the relationship we have with the parents. If I'm not going to be there, the kids are trustworthy, and the parents know I'm not there then we do. But it doesn't happen very often.
I am with the no friends over until the parents are home. Even with my kids who stay home with an adult, they still need to wait for either their father or myself to be home in order for friends to come over.
I think the biggest problem you have is that he is not following the rules you have right now. I only give my kids more freedom when I am comfortable that they can handle it and be responsible. He is showing you he is not responsible when he just ignores your rules. That is a red flag. So unless he can show he can follow directions, I would say no to the friends in the house. I am not even sure I would let him wander around the neighborhood either right now. He should have to earn that privilege back.
My 12 year old son used to go to an afterschool program for years but now comes home alone at about 3:15 and hangs out until we get home anywhere between 4 - 5:30. We have a rule about no friends over when parents are not home. This is a hard rule for him to follow as he claims that kids just show up (occasionally, not everyday) and even if he goes outside to hang out with them they inevitably want to come inside. We say other kids can drop their backpacks off and then go hang out at the park or rec center or ice cream shop nearby nearby, but they are not supposed to be hanging out IN our house. Is this reasonable?
Yesterday I found about 7 or 8 kids in my basement playing Madden after school when I came home around 5:30.
I informed a few of the parents that I know well about our rule and about my son's difficulty following this rule (which gets him grounded from his electronics) so it would be great if they could mention it to their kids that they should not be hanging out here without parents present. Some of the kids I did not know.
Do you let your kids have friends over when you are still at work? We did not have a problem with my daughter at this age.
When my kids were in middle school it was nobody in the house after school if I am not home. Period. End of story. On the weekends if they had one friend over I would allow them to stay with one friend as long as it was ok with the other parents.
To me, the biggest issue is that your son is not following your rules. Maybe you should hire a babysitter or find an after school program for him since he doesn't seem to be able to follow your rules. If there are no repercussions to him he will continue to ignore your rules into his teens. Now is the time to take control and teach your son that your rules are the rules of the land.
My son is the same age. I am OK with 1-2 kids over when I'm not home as long as I know they are there and the parent knows that they are there without me. And they are both kids and parents that I know well. I would personally feel much better with 1-2 friends IN MY HOUSE than my son going to the park or ice cream shop without an adult without me home.
All that to say, the big issue to me is that your son isn't following a very important rule. If it were me, I would send him back to after school care for a month and make him work to pay for it. I believe in natural consequences and staying home is something that only responsible kids are able to do so if he can't follow the rules then back to after school care and the kid pays for it. I bet you do that once and he takes your rules more seriously in the future.
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