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So, let me get this straight. A stranger walks into a 12 year old's life. 6 months later, he has to live with this said stranger. His mother marries the said stranger. And the kid has no say in any of this. All the while the kid is going through the most tumultuous time of his life (puberty) and ping ponging back and forth 3 months out of the year living with his irresponsible bio-dad.
And you don't understand why he is behaving the way he is when the only thing you and his mom seem to be focusing on is how well he mops the floors?
OP, you need a complete "do over" with your step son. Try seeing things from his POV. When you interact with him, you need to be more understanding that these past 2.5 years have been a hard transition. He is clearly acting out. The only thing he has any control over in his life is his behavior. And the fact that you are even trying to control that is making him misbehave more.
Have you and your wife sat down with him and talked to him throughout these past 2.5 years about everything? And by everything I don't mean how well he does the chores. I mean about how his life has changed drastically and how this is affecting him - all the gushy important stuff? You and your wife need to sit down with the stepson and have a heart to heart about how the last couple of years have affected him. And just listen to him. Don't make it about yourself or the chores. Just listen to him and see what he has to say. Take responsibility in your part in all of this when you talk to him. Don't expect big changes anytime to soon either. If he sees that you care about HIM and not clean floors, things will change gradually.
I just don't understand how a single parent can just add a new permanent person into their child's life *so quickly* with little regard to how it might affect the child. It's mind boggling. Then when that said child acts out, they seem to have very little empathy or seem completely surprised. When a person brings a child into the world, s/he has an obligation to at the very *least* not screw up the child's life. And if you do it once (marry the wrong person/divorce), then surely don't do it again by moving in with another guy after only 6 months.
Last edited by crf450ish; 10-01-2015 at 08:41 AM..
This is not unusual behavior for a lot of 14 year olds. How is he doing in school, and does he have friends?
If he is doing OK in school and has friends, this is a good sign. Does he have too much time on his hands, or is he overextended?
During this time, as a parent you need to learn to pick your battles. You need him to be respectful of you and his mother, but you both must do the same. This is a time of rebellion and experimentation and making mistakes. This is healthy. For example, I would not dictate his choices for hair or clothing. I would let the messy room go and close the door. Or, I have heard that the tactic of removing any clothing on his floor until he has nothing to wear works for some kids. I would tell him that if he wants to have clean underwear, it needs to be in the hamper by a certain time, otherwise he will need to do it himself.
This is a trying age for parents, especially when its the first kid to become a teenager, and you don't see it coming. I had 3 boys and the stories I could tell you would curl your hair, but they all turned out fine.
Oh, one other thing, we ran into this last year. Like I said, his school requires uniforms. There was one time last year that he pulled the "I don't have clean clothes" thing at 5:45am, 15 minutes before he had to be on the bus, well, obviously we told him he had to wear dirty clothes, the particular shirt and pants he picked out had a stain on it, it was unacceptably dirty for the school, and they would not let him sit in class, they gave him in school suspension. The only other option was for us to bring him clean clothes, which neither of us could have done.
Im done with this thread. I can already see the OP has no interest in listening to what others think. Anytime anyone suggests something its always someone elses fault. Good luck.
Oh, one other thing, we ran into this last year. Like I said, his school requires uniforms. There was one time last year that he pulled the "I don't have clean clothes" thing at 5:45am, 15 minutes before he had to be on the bus, well, obviously we told him he had to wear dirty clothes, the particular shirt and pants he picked out had a stain on it, it was unacceptably dirty for the school, and they would not let him sit in class, they gave him in school suspension. The only other option was for us to bring him clean clothes, which neither of us could have done.
I would agree with the fact that it can be difficult to clean up, but when shown multiple times HOW to do it, shown that the oil is still there (and you can still see oily footprints), and then him refusing to admit that a it is still an issue, b that he needs to finish the job???
Ya, that is called parenting. Do you have children of your own?
You do not tell them something once, or twice or half a dozen times and then you are done with that lesson. If that was the case, children wouldn't need parenting. You teach them over and over, you show them by example, and parents understand this and have patience and love while teaching.
If you insist on discipline, you must find a way to bond as well. Discipline without tempering it with love will destroy your family. This board is rampant with other stepparents whose frustration and disdain for their step children are as obvious as yours. Usually ends up destroying the family or child.
Clearly this child is not responding to what you are doing, and many people have shown you ways to do it better. But you are giving reasons why it won't work or how it is all your stepsons fault. Can you see in similarities between that and his attitude?
Being a teenager does not excuse some of the stuff he is putting us through, I cannot accept this, and neither does his mom
Really?
So what are you going to do? You seem to expect him to do everything to fix what is a family problem. He is a CHILD. Your expectations for his behavior are out of whack for both his age and his situation. Expecting gratitude from a teenager let alone a stepchild is just one example of how unrealistic your expectations are. Maybe you should read up about child development, but at 14 he would be barely entering the abstract reasoning phase and as you say he is emotionally immature. He is not developmentally capable of the level of gratitude you are expecting him to express, especially with how sad and unhappy he is with his situation.
What do you want from him? It appears you want obedience first and foremost. Parents want happy well adjusted children first and foremost.
So you have to decide, are you a parent? If so why are you not putting his happiness first?
So what are you going to do? You seem to expect him to do everything to fix what is a family problem. He is a CHILD. Your expectations for his behavior are out of whack for both his age and his situation. Expecting gratitude from a teenager let alone a stepchild is just one example of how unrealistic your expectations are.
Really?
My expectations are out of wack? Is it REALLY that out of wack to expect a 14 year old to pick up after himself? And pitch in to help when asked?
I was a child once. I was a teenager once. I was a teenage boy once.
I NEVER, EVER gave my parents the kind of grief he gives me and his mom. I had a younger bother and a sister. I learned responsibility at an early age. We lived on a pseudo-farm. By 8, it was my job every morning to feed the chickens and retrieve the eggs, take care of other animals (pigs, goats, rabbits). Depending on the time of year, there was also gardens to deal with. I also had dealt with death by then. Each of us had responsibilities we had to deal with, or creatures died, plants died, other stuff.
In addition to that, I had to make my bed every morning, do my laundry when I needed to, keep my room spotless, take out the trash, other stuff. My siblings did similar things (mow, cook, etc). Admittedly my sister, being a girl, did most of the house cleaning stuff and cooking, but we all pitched in some when needed, and always when asked.
I know my dad was a disciplinarian, and took things WAY overboard as far as that goes, but I can appreciate what he did now because I learned how to survive, and a work ethic that has followed me my whole life.
I also know this is a different time / age. Kids nowadays never seem to be put in a position to fail until they are adults
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Maybe you should read up about child development, but at 14 he would be barely entering the abstract reasoning phase and as you say he is emotionally immature. He is not developmentally capable of the level of gratitude you are expecting him to express, especially with how sad and unhappy he is with his situation.
I would say he is not unhappy. His ability to be a pain the ass to myself and his mom seems to not affect his happiness. I don't think I have mentioned anywhere in here that he's miserable, that's not the case. We do fun stuff with him ALL the time...
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What do you want from him? It appears you want obedience first and foremost. Parents want happy well adjusted children first and foremost.
All I want from him is some help... and i'm not getting help, in fact he fights us every step of the way
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So you have to decide, are you a parent? If so why are you not putting his happiness first?
So let me say it like this, his biological parent (mom) feels the same way... if I was posting AS HER, would you feel the same way?
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Originally Posted by lkb0714
Clearly this child is not responding to what you are doing, and many people have shown you ways to do it better. But you are giving reasons why it won't work or how it is all your stepsons fault. Can you see in similarities between that and his attitude?
Clearly he's not responding to what either me, or his mom is asking of him... I cannot see ANY similarities between mine and his attitude, no...
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Do you like anything about your stepson at all?
I don't think that is fair at all, that's a pretty low blow
Besides nagging at the boy, I am wondering if you have tried to establish a good relationship with him. Attending sports events? Fishing? Just hanging out talking and getting to really know each other, maybe even playing one of his video games with him?
You say his father is not around, yet he spends every summer with his dad. He comes back worse you say. Maybe he has a good father/male relationship with him and misses him, after all he won't see him again until next summer.
You say his dad is sloppy (how do you know that?) There is nothing wrong with a sloppy father as long as he is a good "dad". He visits his dad during the summer when there is no school so what is wrong with him staying up later?
Many parents don't make their children do their own laundry or mop the floor then criticize if it is not a professional job. Try to correct whatever he does wrong by showing him instead of yelling and putting him down.
Not meaning to be picking on the op, just want to try to help you understand the boy may have some problems you don't know about or understand. Remember that the boy and his mother have been alone with no male in the house almost all his life. Perhaps you are the problem and you need to find a way to fix that
Best of luck with you and your stepson.
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it is still an issue, b
