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Old 11-06-2010, 01:21 PM
 
1 posts, read 2,083 times
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I have read through all the posting on this subject and many people have helpful things to say. However, my heart is breaking for my son. It physically depresses me. He is in a gifted program at school and now that he is 12 has started bring home more B's on his report card than A's. He has no friends and he tries so hard. He invited everyone in his class over for his bday and we put together this huge production and.... NO ONE came. He and my husband do not have the best of relationships because our son doesn't like sports and my husband is a "mans' man" I have talked to them both, trying to get them to work on their relationship and still nothing. Then as if matters couldn't be worse for our son, our daughter, who just turned 7 is super athletic, very popular, and is a social butterfly. I know this hurts my son because I can see it in his eyes when she has friends over or she is going to her friendís house, or is invited to the movies, skating, etc. This makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry for him, my heart is breaking for him. Along with other parents on here I have taken him to councilors, psychologist, etc and everyone says the same thing. "There's nothing wrong with him and over time he will make friends." This is doing nothing to help him now. He is in the 6th grade and has never had a real friend to spend time with. He is now at the point where he wants to spend all of his time alone in his room. I feel like I am losing him even when we try to involve him in family games he no longer wants to join in. Someone please help me to help him....
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Old 11-06-2010, 03:02 PM
 
18,856 posts, read 30,480,415 times
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He is the way he is...talk to a school counselor, maybe they have some peer groups at school for other kids with the same problems. Don't force the bonding with Dad...that won't happen. Bset wishes....sometimes we don't get the kid we want, we deal with the cards we are dealt. i have a wierd kid too, he is like almost autistic, but never quite met the "critieria". He is so wierd, I wonder who brought him up, and what wierd family he came from, because he is nothing like my other "normal" kids. But, I know he is mine, I gave birth to him...he does not fit in with his brothers or sisters either...they think he is strange. But, he is very talented, smart, and gifted in other ways...not social though, even at age 23 he has had almost no girlfriends, or close male friends. He is majoring in Funeral Science, and doing very well in his classes, and loves his job...preparing dead bodies for a funeral...I don't know. But he is very successful, and already has his own business, even while in school, as young as he is...So, don't fret too much...if he is like mine, he will be bulliied in high school, but pretty much ignore it. As a matter of fact, you may be more bothered by his social problems than he is...I konw I always worried about my son too...but now, I just accept his "wierdness" and that is okay.
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Old 11-06-2010, 04:52 PM
 
Location: Australia
1,492 posts, read 2,656,886 times
Reputation: 1693
Overweight kid - Why do we accept this. I know as soon as one talks about putting kids on diets and getting them to exercise, that we get condemned. Yet they are on a diet whether we like it or not. Its either the diet we as parents put them on or the diet that they put themselves on. The grazing kid diet.

We restrict our kids food. We don't starve them but all of us as a family try to minimise food intake. By that I mean no gluttony. Have a meal but not one that is so large that you get indigestion.

Then I would try to get the kid into some sort of team sport or activity where he is interacting with other kids. Who cares what it is. Bush walking, model building, motor bike racing, dancing, trampoline. Does not matter but possibly something where they actually rely on each other. Dont let him be goalie in soccer though.
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Old 11-06-2010, 05:43 PM
 
12,930 posts, read 19,812,959 times
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^^^ original post is old. Sadmom77's post has nothing to do with an overweight child.

Sadmom, reading things such as you wrote break my heart. There is a friend for everybody, but sometimes you really have to search. Jasper had a good idea. Many schools offer programs to help kids make friends. The real problem is that your son isn't happy. I do know kids who are perfectly content being alone, but when that doesn't fit your child it can be devastating.

Your son does have strengths, what are they? It's a shame about the relationship with his father, but you can't make it happen. Just be there for him. This too shall pass, but it may take a few years. My son felt friendless in 6th grade, mainly because he had a tic disorder that left him open to teasing. He befriended a special needs boy, and the teachers took note. He ended up being given a good citizens award that raised his profile a bit with his classmates. It was almost that easy in our case, but I know that is not the norm. You need to be there for your son, and find something every day to tell him you love about him.
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Old 11-06-2010, 05:46 PM
 
12,930 posts, read 19,812,959 times
Reputation: 33967
Aidxen, I know you mean well, but it isn't always as easy as watching what your kids eat. In my son's case, the medication he was on to control tics caused him to gain 40 pounds in 6 months. I never presume that kids are being fed crap, under-exercised, etc. anymore. We ended up stopping the meds, because he went from being teased over the tics to being teased over the weight. It was not a good time in his life. Fortunately, he grew up, and football became his salvation.
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Old 11-06-2010, 06:01 PM
 
Location: Here and There
2,539 posts, read 3,274,912 times
Reputation: 3766
Quote:
Originally Posted by sadmom77 View Post
I have read through all the posting on this subject and many people have helpful things to say. However, my heart is breaking for my son. It physically depresses me. He is in a gifted program at school and now that he is 12 has started bring home more B's on his report card than A's. He has no friends and he tries so hard. He invited everyone in his class over for his bday and we put together this huge production and.... NO ONE came. He and my husband do not have the best of relationships because our son doesn't like sports and my husband is a "mans' man" I have talked to them both, trying to get them to work on their relationship and still nothing. Then as if matters couldn't be worse for our son, our daughter, who just turned 7 is super athletic, very popular, and is a social butterfly. I know this hurts my son because I can see it in his eyes when she has friends over or she is going to her friendís house, or is invited to the movies, skating, etc. This makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry for him, my heart is breaking for him. Along with other parents on here I have taken him to councilors, psychologist, etc and everyone says the same thing. "There's nothing wrong with him and over time he will make friends." This is doing nothing to help him now. He is in the 6th grade and has never had a real friend to spend time with. He is now at the point where he wants to spend all of his time alone in his room. I feel like I am losing him even when we try to involve him in family games he no longer wants to join in. Someone please help me to help him....
Sadmom, I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to tell you that your post broke my heart. There's nothing worse for a mom than to see your child hurting, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. The situation with the father is troublesome. I find it terribly hard to believe that they can't find something they could enjoy doing together which would be a bonding experience as well. Maybe it would be a good idea to take your son to a therapist, somebody he could be open/honest with and no judgement put upon him. I cannot imagine how alone he must feel.
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Old 11-07-2010, 07:54 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,435 posts, read 41,675,230 times
Reputation: 47010
Getting a kid to slim down, join sports, etc will not make him less shy if that is his nature. Haven't we as adults known shy introverted people at work, church, in our neighborhood. They were once that way as children. I have done some research on shyness and introverted personalities. It seems to be a personality trait just like being a leader, having musical skills, athleticism. As difficult as it may be, the best thing is not to compare each kid to his siblings. "Why can't Johnny be like Mary?' This only makes Johnny withdraw even more.

Instead of trying ways to make him what he isn't, try to find activities which will help him excell in his solitary nature like chess, acting, some music, writing, art, etc. Just let him know he is loved no matter how different he seems now. It will only get worse in puberty and if he can find a really comfortable place where he feels he is excelling or at least making progress, puberty may not be so bad. He may surprise you along the way. Good luck.
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Old 11-09-2010, 06:01 PM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
27,308 posts, read 15,063,243 times
Reputation: 20876
Quote:
Originally Posted by Christy309 View Post
I think one reason I worry so much is because he is like me. I was painfully shy in grade school, got better but still have trouble making friends or even small talk with acquaintances. But unlike him, it bothered me. I worried about what others thought of me and still do too much. My daughters are like their dad, never meet a stranger, can do anything they want.

He knows he's loved and may even be coming out of his shell a little bit. I like the fact that he's not bothered by what others might think.
Try not (and this is hard) to compare YOUR experience with your son's school experience. You may not experience things the same way and you are going to project the awkwardness you felt onto him. Truly, he may not feel that way. He may be quite content being alone at this point in his life

It's hard, though, not to worry about your children. I hope you can find that activity that he seems to enjoy that will connect him with other kids. He doesn't need a lot of friends; just one or two good ones.

Band, youth group, sports; academic bowl . . . any of those sound like good starts.
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Old 11-09-2010, 06:17 PM
 
2,726 posts, read 4,367,847 times
Reputation: 1944
Sadmom77, one thing I learned after so many years was that I should have just pursued my interest and find people who shared the same interest. People who are gifted are usually looking for somebody who can contribute in the creative department. Okay, I made that up but I am sure I am right somewhere along the lines. I graduated top of my class (can you believe it) and I did not have many friends in college. Most people made fun of me because I studied so much. My brother-in-law told me I went to the wrong college. I think the same could be said of public schools.

****************

We have a girlfriend that we never forget to invite anywhere. She admitted one night that she was a loner. I hate to say the word admitted because its not like she was insecure or had to get it out. She just likes being alone which is not the same as lonely.

She articulated it much better than I am now. I thanked her for telling us because I, too, prefer being alone. I always thought it was bad to be alone but now I see that feeling lonely is what is bad.

Last edited by crisan; 11-09-2010 at 06:33 PM..
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Old 11-09-2010, 06:24 PM
 
2,726 posts, read 4,367,847 times
Reputation: 1944
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
My son was lonely in the early grades because he would try to find groups of kids who were having fun and try to join them but didn't fit in.

One reason he didn't fit in is that he would start playing and then want to suggest some activity or game and the group would ignore him. He said he wanted to be the leader at least some of the time.

I explained to him the nature of groups and that if he was trying to join an already formed group, they would probably accept him as another group follower but if he really wanted to be some kind of group leader, he had to form his own group - I told him to look around because there are always those kids off by themselves, other kids in his same boat and maybe too shy to approach others - since he wasn't shy, I told him he could start the conversations - ask someone standing alone about their family, or if they had a dog or other pets, what they like to do for fun, and so on. That old "to have a friend, you have to be a friend".

It worked for him, he became quite popular by high school because he was always friendly to the kids who weren't popular, even when he had lots of friends, he didn't overlook the more lonely kids because he knew how it was for them.
Good advice! Looking back I now see that I was chasing the wrong people. I should have tried making friends with the outsiders, like me, because so many of them still are friends after so many years. The popular groups, not so much. I will definitely share this information with my daughter.
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