U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Happy Easter!
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 11-09-2010, 06:49 PM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
27,237 posts, read 15,024,326 times
Reputation: 20850

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by sadmom77 View Post
I have read through all the posting on this subject and many people have helpful things to say. However, my heart is breaking for my son. It physically depresses me. He is in a gifted program at school and now that he is 12 has started bring home more B's on his report card than A's. He has no friends and he tries so hard. He invited everyone in his class over for his bday and we put together this huge production and.... NO ONE came. He and my husband do not have the best of relationships because our son doesn't like sports and my husband is a "mans' man" I have talked to them both, trying to get them to work on their relationship and still nothing. Then as if matters couldn't be worse for our son, our daughter, who just turned 7 is super athletic, very popular, and is a social butterfly. I know this hurts my son because I can see it in his eyes when she has friends over or she is going to her friendís house, or is invited to the movies, skating, etc. This makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry for him, my heart is breaking for him. Along with other parents on here I have taken him to councilors, psychologist, etc and everyone says the same thing. "There's nothing wrong with him and over time he will make friends." This is doing nothing to help him now. He is in the 6th grade and has never had a real friend to spend time with. He is now at the point where he wants to spend all of his time alone in his room. I feel like I am losing him even when we try to involve him in family games he no longer wants to join in. Someone please help me to help him....
Sadmom, your post made me sad. Have you ever thought about seeking counseling for yourself? Sometimes, the counselor can help your child by helping you or by working through you to help your child. Sounds like you could benefit by having someone to talk things through with.

I went through a bad time when my son was in third grade and being bullied. I just didn't know what to do. He didn't have a good friend either, at that point. My work had a free program where you got so many visits with a counselor. I cannot tell you how much that helped me and, in turn, helped my son. I learned to relax a bit and not constantly force the issue . . 'do you want to have someone over . . why don't you call someone . . . let's invite . . . . blah blah". I wasn't helping him at all with my constant worry and depression over the whole thing.

Please don't despair.

My son is 15 now and has a lot of friends; but still likes to spend plenty of time alone.

His cousin (with whom we were very close) was also a social butterfly; they were just two different creatures.

I wish the best for you and your boy.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 11-11-2010, 02:47 AM
 
47,576 posts, read 58,690,207 times
Reputation: 22158
Quote:
Originally Posted by crisan View Post
Good advice! Looking back I now see that I was chasing the wrong people. I should have tried making friends with the outsiders, like me, because so many of them still are friends after so many years. The popular groups, not so much. I will definitely share this information with my daughter.
Yes - it helps to point out to the child that groups are often very superficial types of friends. Kids will see the big groups because they dominate, are more visible. All they need is one of two good friends. The true friends and they're better off with these because they won't have that same peer pressure the popular kids have. The life of the party types actually have a lot more pressure on them, they have to keep impressing the crowd, the peer pressure can get them into trouble.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-11-2010, 03:07 AM
 
47,576 posts, read 58,690,207 times
Reputation: 22158
Quote:
Originally Posted by sadmom77 View Post
I have read through all the posting on this subject and many people have helpful things to say. However, my heart is breaking for my son. It physically depresses me. He is in a gifted program at school and now that he is 12 has started bring home more B's on his report card than A's. He has no friends and he tries so hard. He invited everyone in his class over for his bday and we put together this huge production and.... NO ONE came. He and my husband do not have the best of relationships because our son doesn't like sports and my husband is a "mans' man" I have talked to them both, trying to get them to work on their relationship and still nothing. Then as if matters couldn't be worse for our son, our daughter, who just turned 7 is super athletic, very popular, and is a social butterfly. I know this hurts my son because I can see it in his eyes when she has friends over or she is going to her friendís house, or is invited to the movies, skating, etc. This makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry for him, my heart is breaking for him. Along with other parents on here I have taken him to councilors, psychologist, etc and everyone says the same thing. "There's nothing wrong with him and over time he will make friends." This is doing nothing to help him now. He is in the 6th grade and has never had a real friend to spend time with. He is now at the point where he wants to spend all of his time alone in his room. I feel like I am losing him even when we try to involve him in family games he no longer wants to join in. Someone please help me to help him....
I think you need to get your son into some kind of activities away from school. Something that will introduce him to whole new sets of kids.

There are church groups, theater and acting groups, 4-H groups, boy scouts. Some group that could involve some interest he has. Some kids don't like the usual sports but they will click with other outdoor activities - paintball for example, or horse-back riding, hiking, golfing.

He might not fit with kids his own age, 4-H for example includes kids of various age ranges and includes volunteer parents.

Does he like dogs or horses? An animal friend can be a great companion. For some kids, getting friends outside school can be the better approach. Very often kids in schools label one as an outcast and that can be too tough to change but school doesn't have to be the only place to meet people.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-29-2011, 01:09 PM
 
1 posts, read 1,379 times
Reputation: 10
I realize that this is an older post, but since I didn't see anybody make mention of this, I thought I would chime in. Please don't take any offense to this, but have you had your son tested for Autism? I am only asking because from the way that you describe him, he seems to have some of the traits of Asberger's Syndrome - which is a form of Autism. A good friend of mine has it, that is the only reason I am familiar with it...but children with this form of autism can be very smart, they tend to socialize better with adults rather than kids their age, they may be very interested and knowledgeable in one certain thing, ie: politics. I just thought I would mention it because i know that this is an easily missed diagnosis and if he does have it, you could start getting him some help, mostly to make him more socially accepted by his peers. Good luck! I do know that AS does not hold my friend back at all, so it is a pretty mild form of Autism I think...
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-29-2011, 03:51 PM
 
Location: Eastern time zone
4,469 posts, read 6,159,738 times
Reputation: 3481
Quote:
Originally Posted by Christy309 View Post
I was trying to find some research on my child's behavior and found this forum.

I really worry about my son even though there may be nothing to worry about. He is 11 years, very very smart, but seems to be socially immature. He has no real friends. Every day I ask him what he did at recess and its usually the same. He plays by himself. He says he likes to use his imagination and no one else likes the same things he does.

He is also a little overweight so I know his self esteem is a problem. His older sisters (by 9 years) were very athletic but my son isn't. They've always been really hard on him because they say he just isn't trying. He has expressed interest in being in the band next year and I'm hopeful he may make some friends even if they are other "nerds."

The family is always asking what's wrong with him and I'm starting to get defensive. I tell them just because he isn't like them doesn't make something wrong with him. They're just used to popular athletic kids, but not everyone can be that.

I just want my son to be happy. And he says he is when I ask. And really he doesn't seem to mind that he doesn't play with the other kids. So sometimes I think if he doesn't mind why should I? He's just much more comfortable with adults.

Does anyone have any comments? My husband pretends like there is nothing wrong, that it's just because he's so much smarter than the other kids. Could that be it?

I'd appreciate any comments.
It may just be because he's smart, or it may be something else. If he's happy, and succeeding up to this point, I wouldn't worry about it.
I would totally encourage him to join band. Band is very "quirky kid" friendly. And as he moves through middle and high school, it's always good to have an automatic peer group of kids who are essentially decent human beings.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-29-2011, 04:11 PM
 
120 posts, read 277,292 times
Reputation: 106
I tend to agree with Marlow. Your son sounds like he's at a higher level than his classmates and maybe that's why he prefers the company of adults. Perhaps you need to discuss with your husband and his teachers the possibility of your son jumping ahead 1 grade or getting him in a gifted student program.
Pressuring him to be more athletic won't work. He will only resent this. However, you stated that he is a little overweight. This needs to be addressed. Please see to it that he gets some physical activity and help him watch his weight by watching his junkfood intake.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-30-2011, 03:58 PM
 
5,945 posts, read 12,717,149 times
Reputation: 6677
Quote:
Originally Posted by Christy309 View Post
I was trying to find some research on my child's behavior and found this forum.

I really worry about my son even though there may be nothing to worry about. He is 11 years, very very smart, but seems to be socially immature. He has no real friends. Every day I ask him what he did at recess and its usually the same. He plays by himself. He says he likes to use his imagination and no one else likes the same things he does.

He is also a little overweight so I know his self esteem is a problem. His older sisters (by 9 years) were very athletic but my son isn't. They've always been really hard on him because they say he just isn't trying. He has expressed interest in being in the band next year and I'm hopeful he may make some friends even if they are other "nerds."

The family is always asking what's wrong with him and I'm starting to get defensive. I tell them just because he isn't like them doesn't make something wrong with him. They're just used to popular athletic kids, but not everyone can be that.

I just want my son to be happy. And he says he is when I ask. And really he doesn't seem to mind that he doesn't play with the other kids. So sometimes I think if he doesn't mind why should I? He's just much more comfortable with adults.

Does anyone have any comments? My husband pretends like there is nothing wrong, that it's just because he's so much smarter than the other kids. Could that be it?

I'd appreciate any comments.
I have an eleven year old son who isn't the run-of-the-mill type kid. He's also excited about joining band this coming school year. He's smart, but no whiz-kid or anything. I would say he's average in most ways except that he has a gentleness and a thoughtfulness about him that you do not normally see in many boys his age. He has this ability to anticipate others needs before they themselves even realize they need something, it's pretty amazing. He also has a really great sense of humour and laughs easily and is always making insightful jokes. Not like stupid jokes, but he'll joke about something in a way that makes you see or realize something that you didn't see or appreciate before. I love this about him.

He's also going through a little chubby stage. Our family doctor says this is normal at this age. He weighs 114 pounds and wears a size 9 shoe. He's almost as tall as I am. His brother also went through a chubby stage and now at 16 he's super lean and fit. I'm not worried about the weight, either.

He has played sports, and this fall has begun playing soccer for the first time ever, but he's not really "into" sports, if you know what I mean. He is a good-natured kid who likes to try lots of different things, likes hanging out with other kids, but so far just has not developed a super close-knit group of friends or even one best friend yet. He just gets along with everybody at school, and the girls especially love him, but he doesn't really hang out after school or on weekends or anything with anyone aside from us.

Personally, I think it takes all kinds to make this world go 'round. I don't think we should worry too much about our round boys not fitting into square pegs. If they showed signs of depression or sadness or an inability to communicate or socialize with others then certainly we should worry. Otherwise, people are just different. We just need to keep loving them for who they are.

I would suggest that you talk to your daughters about laying off him. They aren't helping him by giving him a hard time. If they don't have anything nice or positive to say to him, they should keep their thoughts and opinions to themselves and focus on their own lives. You're his mother, not them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-30-2011, 04:15 PM
 
Location: Australia
1,492 posts, read 2,653,749 times
Reputation: 1693
If he is overweight then put him on a (healthy) diet and get rid of the TV. Oh and go kick a ball with him.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-30-2011, 04:19 PM
 
5,945 posts, read 12,717,149 times
Reputation: 6677
Quote:
Originally Posted by sadmom77 View Post
I have read through all the posting on this subject and many people have helpful things to say. However, my heart is breaking for my son. It physically depresses me. He is in a gifted program at school and now that he is 12 has started bring home more B's on his report card than A's. He has no friends and he tries so hard. He invited everyone in his class over for his bday and we put together this huge production and.... NO ONE came. He and my husband do not have the best of relationships because our son doesn't like sports and my husband is a "mans' man" I have talked to them both, trying to get them to work on their relationship and still nothing. Then as if matters couldn't be worse for our son, our daughter, who just turned 7 is super athletic, very popular, and is a social butterfly. I know this hurts my son because I can see it in his eyes when she has friends over or she is going to her friendís house, or is invited to the movies, skating, etc. This makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry for him, my heart is breaking for him. Along with other parents on here I have taken him to councilors, psychologist, etc and everyone says the same thing. "There's nothing wrong with him and over time he will make friends." This is doing nothing to help him now. He is in the 6th grade and has never had a real friend to spend time with. He is now at the point where he wants to spend all of his time alone in his room. I feel like I am losing him even when we try to involve him in family games he no longer wants to join in. Someone please help me to help him....
I wonder how your son is doing now? Did you find a counselor/therapist/someone to talk to?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-30-2011, 04:29 PM
 
Location: SW Missouri
15,527 posts, read 29,228,109 times
Reputation: 21263
Quote:
Originally Posted by Christy309 View Post
I was trying to find some research on my child's behavior and found this forum.

I really worry about my son even though there may be nothing to worry about. He is 11 years, very very smart, but seems to be socially immature. He has no real friends. Every day I ask him what he did at recess and its usually the same. He plays by himself. He says he likes to use his imagination and no one else likes the same things he does.

He is also a little overweight so I know his self esteem is a problem. His older sisters (by 9 years) were very athletic but my son isn't. They've always been really hard on him because they say he just isn't trying. He has expressed interest in being in the band next year and I'm hopeful he may make some friends even if they are other "nerds."

The family is always asking what's wrong with him and I'm starting to get defensive. I tell them just because he isn't like them doesn't make something wrong with him. They're just used to popular athletic kids, but not everyone can be that.

I just want my son to be happy. And he says he is when I ask. And really he doesn't seem to mind that he doesn't play with the other kids. So sometimes I think if he doesn't mind why should I? He's just much more comfortable with adults.

Does anyone have any comments? My husband pretends like there is nothing wrong, that it's just because he's so much smarter than the other kids. Could that be it?

I'd appreciate any comments.
I really would not brush off his apparent lack of angst at not being part of the other childrens social circle. He might be more traumatized than you can imagine. This could ultimately lead to a serious situation as many children who consider suicide are often "outsiders" or ostricized from their peer group.

My advice would be to have a lot of communication with him and try to find out how he really feels, no just superficially. Actually, if it were my child I would find some kids that could develop some friendships with your son apart from school. So at least, he will understand that there ARE people like him out there, and that the kids at school are not the "be all, end all" of people that he can be friends with.

Truly, I am not joking. So many parents, after a child has died say things like. "If I had only known that he was that upset", and "He never showed his pain", and "I had no idea any of this was going on". Kids are a lot like cats, they rarely show what is bothering them until it is too late to fix it.

As a concerned parent, I would make some big efforts to bring children into his life that he can befriend and spend time with.

20yrsinBranson
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top