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Old 08-31-2011, 04:13 AM
 
27,995 posts, read 19,668,383 times
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I worry about this a little with my ODS who is a bit younger than yours, OP. I'm reading this thread with interest. I understand what you mean about the band nerds. I also never heard of the band kids being the most popular in the school.

I would let him be who he is as long as he seems happy with that. But I would also push him (A LITTLE) to join some kind of group and to be a bit more physical. I'm not talking sports teams. Just push him outside to go for walks and bike rides.

Good luck to OP and her son!
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Old 08-31-2011, 04:15 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coldjensens View Post
We have a daughter who used to go out to the back of the playground by herself and roll down a hill. She then climbed back up and rolled down again. Repeat until the bell rings - every day. Her teacher thought something was wrong. We had her checked out every possible way. The diagnosis: she marches to her own drummer.

No one else wanted to roll down the hill for all of recess, so she did it by herself. Too bad for them.

She is not like her sisters or brothers, but she gets along with them ok most of the time. She is very creative, and thinks differently than most people. Her first love is for animals, not people. She has no desire to "fit in" or be popular. Now in middle school, she is writing five books at once, has a small circle of decent friends, and due to early physical development, all of the popular boys are chasing her. She wants nothing to do with them. (They do not like to read the same kid of books as me (Fantasy)). She is definitely different, and will not ever be the most popular kid on the block. But I would not trade her for anyone.

Will she ever be "normal"? Probably not. At least I hope not.
But there is nothing "wrong" with her.

By the way, if you want him to have a close circle of friends, see if he has interest in theater. They all get very close during the plays and even mistfits find that they are accepted. It does not much matter if he is acting, crew, asst. directing, makeup, sets, whatever.
Oh, I love this idea!
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Old 08-31-2011, 04:16 AM
 
27,995 posts, read 19,668,383 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Christy309 View Post
Thanks again for all the comments. Our daughter was over this morning, she's 20 now and I was asking my son about chess and if he felt like that was something he would be interested in and he was all excited about it. She looks at me crazy (not in front of him) and says why are you encouraging him to do "those" things?? I just said would you rather he never do anything because you think the other things are not cool enough or whatever? Sometimes I think I have more criticism from family than other people.
Ugh! She is his big sister! She shouldn't act like that. Ask her how she would have felt if someone thought badly of her for being an athlete, something she loved.
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Old 08-31-2011, 06:26 PM
 
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To be honest, I think you need to look at your own perspective first. Your first post says he's a little overweight, "so I know he has low esteem". Not all overweight people have low esteem- one is not naturally connected to the other. You then follow it up by saying you would like him to have friends- 'even other nerds.' I know you tried to explain this, but I think you may be harboring some feelings there that could well come through to your son.

At the end of the day, no one gets to define what happiness is to another person. I am one of the most self-confident, secure people I know- and I am profoundly weird. I'm not social at all- the most social I get is going out to a movie by myself. I'd honestly rather spend time with myself than anyone else. Yet I am honestly very happy. If your son says he's happy and is giving you no reason to think otherwise other than he doesn't do the things his peers do- the kid is happy. Leave him be, and tell your family to keep their noses out of his business.
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Old 09-01-2011, 08:49 AM
 
Location: SW Missouri
15,535 posts, read 29,261,945 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ParallelJJCat View Post
To be honest, I think you need to look at your own perspective first. Your first post says he's a little overweight, "so I know he has low esteem". Not all overweight people have low esteem- one is not naturally connected to the other. You then follow it up by saying you would like him to have friends- 'even other nerds.' I know you tried to explain this, but I think you may be harboring some feelings there that could well come through to your son.

At the end of the day, no one gets to define what happiness is to another person. I am one of the most self-confident, secure people I know- and I am profoundly weird. I'm not social at all- the most social I get is going out to a movie by myself. I'd honestly rather spend time with myself than anyone else. Yet I am honestly very happy. If your son says he's happy and is giving you no reason to think otherwise other than he doesn't do the things his peers do- the kid is happy. Leave him be, and tell your family to keep their noses out of his business.
You make a great point. Everybody is entitled to be who they are. One must make certain, however, that it is truly their preference, and that they are not just "pretending" to be happy so as to not create problems. A young child really doesn't have a lot of world experience to define what his preferences are, not like you and I. Again, communication is the key to determine his true feelings.

20yrsinBranson
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Old 09-01-2011, 11:28 AM
 
2,873 posts, read 4,546,067 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
You make a great point. Everybody is entitled to be who they are. One must make certain, however, that it is truly their preference, and that they are not just "pretending" to be happy so as to not create problems. A young child really doesn't have a lot of world experience to define what his preferences are, not like you and I. Again, communication is the key to determine his true feelings.

20yrsinBranson
But I think constantly asking 'are you happy' may lead a child to question their own preferences- after all, mom isn't asking sis that all that time, or questioning her about what she enjoys. You wouldn't think that a child who stated they were happy and loved, say, basketball, was unhappy or just pretending, right? So why question this boy just because his preferences aren't 'mainstream?'

I can see it if he was giving indications that he was depressed- not eating well or depending on food, sleeping all the time, not showing interest in any activities...that's the time to question him. But if the only 'problem' is that he's not playing sports and isn't popular, I think questioning him about could create feelings of shame and only add to the pressure he's already feeling from other family members.

There was another part of one of the OP's first posts that bothered me- she stated 'not everyone CAN be athletic and popular". Not everyone WANTS to be athletic and popular.
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Old 10-12-2011, 07:18 PM
 
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First time on site. I have a socially awkward son (11). He's bright, loving and caring. He has aquaintances but hasn't found a real "buddy" . He is in middle school now, 6th grade, but he/we have been dealing with this since the 1st grade. He says he's happy but I can't seem to believe it. He would rather be alone or with the family than to seek out kids in the neighborhood. At the bus stop he stands alone while the other kids run around and play. How can I help without being overbaring? If my husband and I get too pushy, telling him to call someone, or go ride your bike and find some friends, he sometimes gets so upset he begins to cry. I feel like he has some "internal pain" or "secret" that he refuses to share with us. Please advise.
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Old 10-12-2011, 10:39 PM
 
15,304 posts, read 16,858,284 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shirley1966 View Post
First time on site. I have a socially awkward son (11). He's bright, loving and caring. He has aquaintances but hasn't found a real "buddy" . He is in middle school now, 6th grade, but he/we have been dealing with this since the 1st grade. He says he's happy but I can't seem to believe it. He would rather be alone or with the family than to seek out kids in the neighborhood. At the bus stop he stands alone while the other kids run around and play. How can I help without being overbaring? If my husband and I get too pushy, telling him to call someone, or go ride your bike and find some friends, he sometimes gets so upset he begins to cry. I feel like he has some "internal pain" or "secret" that he refuses to share with us. Please advise.
He might not have any great internal pain. Some people are introverts or loners. Being alone does NOT mean being unhappy necessarily.

OTOH, he may want to be accepted and not know how to fit in. If that is the case, there are social skills classes that can help. He would need to want that though. Pushing him is not going to help.
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Old 10-16-2011, 08:19 AM
 
Location: Striving for Avalon
1,409 posts, read 2,003,498 times
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This topic seems to be coming up frequently.

I was the consummate loner all. Occasional friends just stopped after 5th grade when I was just too weird/socially toxic/different etc in the eyes of others to be around. (My town's culture is/was one of uninspired mediocrity...a B- was all you need). After that, I was on my own until I graduated.

Even as an introvert who takes his time to "recharge", day after day fading into years of being unceasingly alone will grind at even the most resilient soul. Surprisingly, I came into my own at college. However, the years prior to that still haunt me at times.
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