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I think it is interesting that everyone has posted as the child, either the favorite, or the other, and no one has posted as a parent who does this.
Well, as I said in my post, when I finally confronted my parents a couple years ago, they were shocked and surprised that I felt that way. They clearly didn't THINK they were playing favorites, despite my sister and I FEELING like they were playing favorites.
I'm sure if you asked my kids, they'd claim I had a favorite because I take my daughter out for Mama/daughter days, or because I buy my son videogames every now and again. In my eyes, both actions are EQUAL, but he may complain about lack of quality time and she may complain about lack of gifts. And so in addition to my actions, I make sure my WORDS reflect that I love them both equally, regardless. And then I shake things up by taking him out for Mama/son days and buying her something fun.
In a way, you should be thankful that your parents spoiled and enabled your siblings; they will be taking care of them the rest of their sorry lives, while you actually became an adult and can take care of yourself
Oh they're both gainfully employed and own their own houses. My brother is a slacker, but he is a hard work at BMW. My sister works in IT. She's a major alcoholic sadly. She doesn't see it. Some days my mother sees it, but she's in denial. Her baby couldn't possibly be a drunk!
None of us kids wants to take care of our parents when they become elderly....if they make it that far. I know for a fact they will NEVER live with me. I'd move out of my house and burn it to the ground before I let that happen....and it's a nice house! I could see my sister caving and taking care of her mommy long before my brother.
I'm also the only one who ever wanted to move away. And I did! Stunned everyone when I came home from vacation and said I was building a house over a thousand miles away. No one believed me until I showed them the paperwork! It wasn't really a vacation. It was all planned with my husband so that neither family could ***** and moan and talk us out of it again. We've relocated again and we're now 3 hours away. And I RARELY go home for a visit.....it's been 2 years! The phone is about as close as I want to be to that wretched woman right now.
My mother is a narcissist and her favorite is me. She played favorites so she could always be the center of attention. It's a sick game with only one winner.
By showering the favorite with more gifts and attention, the favorite is more compelled to obey the mother and reject their own individuality. It's called enmeshment, and emotionally-damaged mothers love it. The non-favorites are also compelled to try harder to "win" the mother's affection, which the insecure mother loves. The children will develop animosity toward each other, which keeps them from forming strong bonds with each other in favor of trying to please their mother.
When it comes to parents playing favorites, children need to realize it really has nothing to do with them and all to do with their parent's shortcomings.
This seriously explains an awful lot about my family!
Quote:
Originally Posted by CubsFan20
There's a lot of parents who probably should have used protection
I think it is interesting that everyone has posted as the child, either the favorite, or the other, and no one has posted as a parent who does this.
Why would they admit to it? Many probably have absolutely NO clue! My mother constantly says she doesn't have favorites.....yet she'll spend over $500 on pink KitchenAid gifts for Christmas for my sister and I get a candleholder from Marshall's with a clearance sticker on it! And I don't use candleholders nor do I collect them. That one is pretty obvious to completely random people, but not my mother.
Why would they admit to it? Many probably have absolutely NO clue! My mother constantly says she doesn't have favorites.....yet she'll spend over $500 on pink KitchenAid gifts for Christmas for my sister and I get a candleholder from Marshall's with a clearance sticker on it! And I don't use candleholders nor do I collect them. That one is pretty obvious to completely random people, but not my mother.
Just a thought (and not meant to provoke a fight or anything) but do you equate monetary gifts from your parents with a corresponding level of love/caring?
I ask because my wife (after never receiving anything near as good as her sister her entire childhood) used gifts as a measuring stick. Her parents don't have much money, but if they gave her older sister something, then she expected to get something equivalent. After they were both out of the house, from her late teens through her mid 20's, her parents did a good job of keeping it fairly equal.
But, after they finally came to this country (they live in Brazil) and saw how my wife and I live, they stopped buying things for my wife, while they still buy things for her older sister. My wife was hurt when she found out her sister was still getting birthday gifts and she wasn't, but then her younger sister (who is still in Brazil) said that her parents saw how we lived (TX) vs her sister (AZ). Our house is nearly twice the size, we have three/four nice cars at any given time, and we took them out to really nice restaurants while they were here in Dallas, etc. They couldn't afford to buy us anything that we wouldn't already have ourselves if we actually wanted it.
So, the older sister still gets more gifts, but it's based on her not being nearly as well off now as the middle sister, and my wife is perfectly fine with that.
I've never understood this. Do parents (or one parent) not know there's a very good chance of creating animosity and alienating the child as they get older by doing this?
I'm sure most parents don't reveal their favorites in such obvious ways but "I love you all equally" is a lie.
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