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Old 02-02-2008, 09:52 PM
 
Location: SD
896 posts, read 3,867,996 times
Reputation: 342

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Ok, about three years ago, we (husband and I) had a "fight" with my MIL. She showed her true colors -- she absolutely hates me for no reason. (She told one of my children that she loves her more than her Mommy ever could -- and that was just one of the comments she made). It caused a huge rift in her relationship with her son. We decided to take the high road because she is our children's grandmother. We have our children call her every Sunday and touch base. They do not share anything that is happening in their life -- they speak with the girls and then they talk to my husband and he tells them what's going on in our lives. We see them once a year now (versus four times before) and it's over Christmas.

i had known that my MIL saw a friend of mine over the time they were visiting and that they'd had a conversation. Nothing more was said by my MIL. A few days ago, I came into contact with my friend and she said had to tell me about my MIL. "Uh Oh" was my first. Basically, my MIL told her how much she dislikes me, hates my religion (we're different ones obviously but my friend is the same religion as me and was very offended by some of the things my MIL was stating), hates the way I am raising my children. Not only did she state how much she dislikes me, my friend got the impression that she dislikes her own son. I walked away from that conversation and it finally hit home that this woman is polite to me but actually hates my guts. She is a total bigot. When I told my husband the story - he just shrugged, didn't act surprised and said that she's his mother and I only have to deal with her once a year (when she ruins our Christmas holiday).

On the one hand, I want to take the high road (my husband's) and just shrug. The other part of me wants to confront her. Is there any point?
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Old 02-02-2008, 10:01 PM
 
25,836 posts, read 49,741,556 times
Reputation: 19297
Quite a cross to bear... Sounds like other people realize your MIL is off her rocker... I'm sure your Husband's admiration for you is growing by leaps and bounds.

One thing Husbands can't deal with well is dissension between the women in their lives... I'm sure he realizes what your put through...

Remember... he picked you and there's nothing she can do about!
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Old 02-02-2008, 10:09 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes + some
2,885 posts, read 1,423,297 times
Reputation: 346
I have no idea why your friend would tell you that. I know she's your friend and probably meant well, but what benefit is that knowledge to you except to hurt? I don't advise you to broach with your MIL what you heard from your friend. What I do advise is if your MIL says something untoward, that you call her on it right then and there and don't wait. Waiting is not effective. But when you have been told by your child that she has said that she loves the child more than mommy ever could, then you have a right and an obligation to confront her on this because it affects your CHILDREN!

Since you see her only once a year it doesn't really matter how she feels toward you if she acts all right towards you when she is in your company.
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Old 02-02-2008, 11:37 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
2,657 posts, read 7,006,344 times
Reputation: 4295
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lillietta View Post
I have no idea why your friend would tell you that. I know she's your friend and probably meant well, but what benefit is that knowledge to you except to hurt?
Well, in terms of an adversarial MIL relationship, the MIL (unwittingly on the friend's part or not) turned that friend into a Flying Monkey. That's a favorite term on the MIL support board, created for women who have problems with their spouse's M. I highly recommend checking it out
Mother-In-Law Stories and Mother-In-Law Jokes
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Old 02-02-2008, 11:50 PM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,716 posts, read 31,045,476 times
Reputation: 6654
I can't imagine you will get any real satisfaction from confronting her but I can tell you I wouldn't have anything to do with her, I would not allow this kind of toxic person in my childs life or my own.

I wouldn't spend even one day with her.

People like her will only feel like you are attacking them without reason and hate you even more if you confront them. In fact I would wager that is exactly what she is hoping for. People like her are unhappy and misreable and want everyone else to be the same way with them. Fighting with them just gives them what they want.

I find that ignoring them just kills them. My sister is simlarly toxic, she sends me 6-8 emails a day when she is upset and I don't reply.
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Old 02-03-2008, 05:05 AM
 
2,015 posts, read 4,550,361 times
Reputation: 1861
Quote:
Originally Posted by 5FLgirls View Post
Ok, about three years ago, we (husband and I) had a "fight" with my MIL. She showed her true colors -- she absolutely hates me for no reason. (She told one of my children that she loves her more than her Mommy ever could -- and that was just one of the comments she made). It caused a huge rift in her relationship with her son. We decided to take the high road because she is our children's grandmother. We have our children call her every Sunday and touch base. They do not share anything that is happening in their life -- they speak with the girls and then they talk to my husband and he tells them what's going on in our lives. We see them once a year now (versus four times before) and it's over Christmas.

i had known that my MIL saw a friend of mine over the time they were visiting and that they'd had a conversation. Nothing more was said by my MIL. A few days ago, I came into contact with my friend and she said had to tell me about my MIL. "Uh Oh" was my first. Basically, my MIL told her how much she dislikes me, hates my religion (we're different ones obviously but my friend is the same religion as me and was very offended by some of the things my MIL was stating), hates the way I am raising my children. Not only did she state how much she dislikes me, my friend got the impression that she dislikes her own son. I walked away from that conversation and it finally hit home that this woman is polite to me but actually hates my guts. She is a total bigot. When I told my husband the story - he just shrugged, didn't act surprised and said that she's his mother and I only have to deal with her once a year (when she ruins our Christmas holiday).

On the one hand, I want to take the high road (my husband's) and just shrug. The other part of me wants to confront her. Is there any point?
Your problem is not that uncommon; I'm sure that it doesn't make you feel better to hear that as it doesn't solve anything. All I can say is that you can never change anyone. Don't even try. You can control what you do and that's it. As far as her ruining your Christmas holiday, either don't go, or go for a limited period of time and leave. If things are really bad, your husband needs to set ground rules with his mom. That should be his domain. She is his mom, you are his wife. She should be happy to have a wonderful woman to be with her son; some moms don't realize this, or they think no one is good enough for their baby. Whatever. Again, you can't change her. I've been fortunate to have a great MIL (25+ plus years). What makes her a great MIL is that she never involves herself in our affairs, but is there to give advice when you need it, she doesn't put herself in the middle of the picture. It shows that you are a caring person in the fact that you wish to comfort your own MIL even though she's being acting like a jerk. Again, maybe the woman will come to her senses one day. I hope that she does because it sounds like she has a wonderful daughter-in-law.

P.S. - Your friend did not "have" to tell you about your MIL. Maybe she needs to keep her yapper shut next time. If nothing could can come out of something, then there's no point in instigating or perpetuating an already bad sitatuation. I'd watch who I hang out with. Some people love drama. Again, the only way that you're going to have a long and happy marriage (and having your current MIL in the picture) is to stay away from negativity, the "he said, she said" and going around and around with that, and realizing that you can only control yourself, not others. You and your husband are creating your own home, family, and life. That's the bottom line. It doesn't matter if she's biggoted, this way, or that way, or the biggest biotch in the world. If she is, she is. You probably knew that before you got married. You married your husband and that's it. Hopefully, things will get better. I truly hope that she wakes up and sees the light and realizes how much she is missing out on by being the way that she is. I truly wish you the best.
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Old 02-03-2008, 11:45 AM
 
Location: Gary, WV & Springfield, ME
5,826 posts, read 8,462,675 times
Reputation: 17250
I feel your pain and I been there and done that. As far as my MIL was concerned, her son was a bachelor. I would not talk to her and I would not accompany him when he went to visit her. Period.

Back off when it comes to your husband's relationship with his mother. Don't make him choose and don't make him accept your side over hers. You tell him matter of factly that she will have to regard him as a bachelor and that you have chosen, as an adult in a free society, not to associate yourself with his mom. Period.

Your children complicates the whole thing. Can't guide you there. But I feel your pain.
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Old 02-03-2008, 04:57 PM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,716 posts, read 31,045,476 times
Reputation: 6654
I personally would be glad my friend had told me these things but I would also have to say that I could not continue to be her friend if she is still going to be friends with the MIL.

One thing I struggle with when trying to KEEP a toxic person out of my life, is I stop talking to them but then the toxic person trys to get to me through people I am friends with, to get information or feed me things to hurt me.

For example, my sister calls and emails my neighbor when I won't respond to her and pumps her for information. As a result of the fact my neighbor actually speaks to her, I don't speak to my neighbor much.

People who are toxic like this are very manipulative.

Life is WAY to short and dealing with people like this isn't worth it.
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Old 02-03-2008, 05:05 PM
 
Location: Jonquil City (aka Smyrna) Georgia- by Atlanta
16,248 posts, read 20,601,350 times
Reputation: 3587
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindsey_Mcfarren View Post
I can't imagine you will get any real satisfaction from confronting her but I can tell you I wouldn't have anything to do with her, I would not allow this kind of toxic person in my childs life or my own.

I wouldn't spend even one day with her.

People like her will only feel like you are attacking them without reason and hate you even more if you confront them. In fact I would wager that is exactly what she is hoping for. People like her are unhappy and misreable and want everyone else to be the same way with them. Fighting with them just gives them what they want.

I find that ignoring them just kills them. My sister is simlarly toxic, she sends me 6-8 emails a day when she is upset and I don't reply.
I am with you on that!
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Old 02-03-2008, 10:11 PM
 
2,484 posts, read 7,903,258 times
Reputation: 1916
There would be no benefit in confronting a bigot...she will not change her bigotry on account of you.

Take the high road and stay sweet. When everyone else around her loves you, she'll see how big of a ***** she is being and hopefully club herself over the head for being so ridiculous. Or at least if she doesn't, someone who sees her bigotry will.
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