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My FIL is a gazillionaire wracked with guilt about how he treated his kids earlier in their lives. And he's consumed with fairness and trying to spend his way out of the guilt.
You can imagine what that spawns at gift time. This is a guy who has bought his kids entire custom homes.
One year, he sent - I kid you not - a roller coaster. A flippin' roller coaster for the back yard. He has seen our back yard and knows it's pretty big, but this is NOT what I want cluttering it up.
That's just one example.
So we just TOLD THEM that it was a super cool thought and we appreciated it, but that we felt that xmas /birthday/insert event was already filled with material things and that we adults would prefer a donation in our names and if they had to send the kids something, a pair of shoes or some cash in the 529 would be great.
We donated most of the gifts and last Xmas he sent the shoes my kid wore for most of this year. And a donation to charity.
If they hadn't complied, all stuff would have been summarily donated. Your family, your choices, your control.
Aahhh... So you do see how extravagant gifts can be an issue. I'm glad you were able to deal with it in a manner that works for you.
My FIL is a gazillionaire wracked with guilt about how he treated his kids earlier in their lives. And he's consumed with fairness and trying to spend his way out of the guilt.
You can imagine what that spawns at gift time. This is a guy who has bought his kids entire custom homes.
One year, he sent - I kid you not - a roller coaster. A flippin' roller coaster for the back yard. He has seen our back yard and knows it's pretty big, but this is NOT what I want cluttering it up.
That's just one example.
So we just TOLD THEM that it was a super cool thought and we appreciated it, but that we felt that xmas /birthday/insert event was already filled with material things and that we adults would prefer a donation in our names and if they had to send the kids something, a pair of shoes or some cash in the 529 would be great.
We donated most of the gifts and last Xmas he sent the shoes my kid wore for most of this year. And a donation to charity.
If they hadn't complied, all stuff would have been summarily donated. Your family, your choices, your control.
And if he'd have continued and pouted and made an issue of it, at some point you'd get annoyed and be irritated at the hassle of going through the same issue year after year. The annoyance people are expressing is more at the frustration of continually dealing with this, not necessarily pettiness and not being grateful enough.
And if he'd have continued and pouted and made an issue of it, at some point you'd get annoyed and be irritated at the hassle of going through the same issue year after year. The annoyance people are expressing is more at the frustration of continually dealing with this, not necessarily pettiness and not being grateful enough.
Yes, this. It comes off as a complete disregard for our wishes. No matter how it is done, it is never fun to be undermined by your parents. It has happened in other ways, too, but the topic of this thread is gifts.
And if he'd have continued and pouted and made an issue of it, at some point you'd get annoyed and be irritated at the hassle of going through the same issue year after year. The annoyance people are expressing is more at the frustration of continually dealing with this, not necessarily pettiness and not being grateful enough.
Nope.
Just cut them off.
I don't have in-law issues, family issues, or any other drama. Why?
Bc I don't tolerate it.
Amazingly, every *annoying* person has fallen in line. Amazing...
Some people prefer a more diplomatic approach. Based on your posts on CD, one can only imagine how people might feel about you IRL.
Diplomacy doesn't mean getting railroaded or run over or made into a doormat.
I'm always firm but diplomatic. I don't believe in being tacky and then saying, "I'm just being honest." You CAN stand up for yourself without being mean/disrespectful.
I'm not too worried about how people who demand to impose their wills upon me feel about me IRL. The ones who go out of their way to be with me and add something to my life (and there are plenty of those) are the ones that matter. I don't railroad them and they don't railroad me and none of us call lying on our backs like cowards "diplomacy."
My philosophy: If it's something thoughtful that my kids will love and can use, what the hell is wrong with that?
No ego in it like, "Wah! I wanted to be the one to buy him xyz!"
Who cares where they get it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4
I think the folks on here saying that or implying it are sour graping, to be honest. It is FUN to make a kid smile/happy. There doesn't have to be nefarious purposes.
I think they resent being shown up.
The above sounds quite different than the below.
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4
My FIL is a gazillionaire wracked with guilt about how he treated his kids earlier in their lives. And he's consumed with fairness and trying to spend his way out of the guilt.
You can imagine what that spawns at gift time. This is a guy who has bought his kids entire custom homes.
One year, he sent - I kid you not - a roller coaster. A flippin' roller coaster for the back yard. He has seen our back yard and knows it's pretty big, but this is NOT what I want cluttering it up.
That's just one example.
So we just TOLD THEM that it was a super cool thought and we appreciated it, but that we felt that xmas /birthday/insert event was already filled with material things and that we adults would prefer a donation in our names and if they had to send the kids something, a pair of shoes or some cash in the 529 would be great.
We donated most of the gifts and last Xmas he sent the shoes my kid wore for most of this year. And a donation to charity.
If they hadn't complied, all stuff would have been summarily donated. Your family, your choices, your control.
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4
Diplomacy doesn't mean getting railroaded or run over or made into a doormat.
I'm always firm but diplomatic. I don't believe in being tacky and then saying, "I'm just being honest." You CAN stand up for yourself without being mean/disrespectful.
I'm not too worried about how people who demand to impose their wills upon me feel about me IRL. The ones who go out of their way to be with me and add something to my life (and there are plenty of those) are the ones that matter. I don't railroad them and they don't railroad me and none of us call lying on our backs like cowards "diplomacy."
Obviously, there is just no right answer for you because if I say anything about the undesirable gifts, I'm just sour graping and being ungrateful, but if I don't say anything, I'm being a coward and a doormat.
There is a Santa, he lives in many peoples' hearts. Look at the "toys for tots" programs. All the churches/organizations/work places that choose to buy for other less fortunate families.
For me the Spirit of Christmas and the Spirit of Santa is what makes Christmas magical for me.
The generosity of so many people at Christmas time is just amazing to me.
Santa is real: he is my alter ego who, every christmas, buys the things that Mom would normally never buy
Obviously, there is just no right answer for you because if I say anything about the undesirable gifts, I'm just sour graping and being ungrateful, but if I don't say anything, I'm being a coward and a doormat.
I like that. "Sour graping."
Different points directed to different posters. To clarify.
I just don't get why it's hard to have the conversation.
I see why the posts seem inconsistent, but we were grateful and wowed. The coaster was a laugh out loud holy crap moment.
If he had bought my kid his bike or a duplicate, we would have still been grateful. Probably would have picked the better bike and donated the other. Cheerfully.
But it all seemed unnecessary. So we communicated that to them. And bc we understand how grandparents want to so badly get their grandkids stuff, we didn't say they couldn't send *anything*.
Off-topic, but my FIL's wife (not my MIL - they divorced 20+ years ago) is a drug-addled, gold-digging psycho (but a rich, "classy" one). She has created drama with every other sibling, including screwing up one's wedding. Another sibling intermittently refuses to talk to them - the last time bc wife slapped her and FIL did nothing. The third sibling just holds out for scraps of FIL's attention even after being told by her that his child would be the grandchild of his wife's parents because his father was too busy with her grandchildren.
No coincidence that my wife and I are the only ones she doesn't crap all over. From day one we brooked zero bullpucky and we have received none. It's worth a shot to avoid these horrible in-law stories.
I think the folks on here saying that or implying it are sour graping, to be honest.
It is FUN to make a kid smile/happy. There doesn't have to be nefarious purposes.
I think they resent being shown up.
Sour graping. I can't take credit for that!
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