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Old 12-09-2015, 12:52 PM
 
1 posts, read 1,384 times
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**I am new to this site and just joined today. I hope I am posting this in the correct thread category, I apologize if not.**


Hello all,
I am a 28 year old single mother of two beautiful children. I was blessed with a boy and a girl. My son is you average 8 year old with the typical behavior of a boy his age. He is very sweet and tender hearted kid. Does well in school and with authority. He respects adults and his friends. My daughter is a different story. She is five years old and has been difficult so to speak since I brought her home from the hospital. I knew right away that raising her would be much different than my, so far experience, raising my son. I thought nothing much of it. I had been told by many people, when I would express how badly I wanted to have a little girl one day, how girls are more challenging than boys. BOY WERE THEY RIGHT! It has been an emotional rollercoaster ride since day one. I do love having my daughter in my life and enjoy many of the blessings that come with our mother/daughter bond that we have. Ill admit to laughing at myself and wondering at times, what the heck I was thinking, when I hoped for a little girl one day. I wouldn't trade her for the world incase some reading this may think I am coming off like I regret having my precious girl. I am simply just trying to gain advice from every place possible.
I am going to call her by her first initial, ''K''..... Here is some of what I am having problems with and I must tell you everything so you can truly understand better. I have lived with my sister and her husband for K's entire life. We moved in with them when she was just 3 weeks old. I have stayed here so I can go to school and work part time with cheaper rent and having them help me with child care while working in the evenings after school. It has truly been a blessing in ways. On another hand though I feel like this may be a part of some of the issues that seem to be progressively getting worse. There are 3 adults here and my sister is 18 years older than I am. Which makes things difficult in a way because they feel like they will always know best from age and their personal experiences. This at times calls for disaster because there have been several instances where we are all not on the same page. I personally feel like they tend to make a lot of excuses as to why one of my kids did something that needed to be dealt with, with discipline. Many times I have spanked or sent one of them to their bedroom, only to be told that I overreacted and dealt with it the wrong way. This has happened many times in front of the kids. I can not stand to be undermined in front of my kids. I am very guilty of already having a big issue with disciplining when needed. I am a big softie and my kids quickly figured it out. (I know, I know, that is the biggest problem I am doing wrong) I have consistently been getting a lot better about it. (GOALS!) K has tested me and the other adults living here and succeeded multiple times. I can fix my own issues but I do not know how to fix the undermining and questioning I get from the other adults here. I feel like K has learned to have no respect for me because she views me as a childlike parent who doesn't have the knowledge or authority to know what's best. I understand that this is my fault for allowing this to happen and not having the nerve until this past year to end it. I would like the advice of others to help guide me into properly ending this and hopefully getting us all onto the same page. I am the parent and whether you agree or not, Mom said no and that means no. When I send a child to their room or timeout for punishment, how do I keep Uncle from going in there and playing with them because he cant stand to hear them cry, without causing conflict or an argument. I will not address any issue bothering me in front of one of the kids because I will not undermine them the way I so badly hate to be undermined. I apologize for the long post, but that's just one issue. I still haven't got to the result from my poor disciplining in the past and the adults not being on the same page.
Here's what I believe to be the result of all this..... K has zero respect for me. She speaks to me like im trash at times and has recently started straight up telling me NO. She seriously believes that if she refuses in a 'No, please, I don't want to' or 'NO I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT AND YOU CANT MAKE ME' When she doesn't succeed she will then go into name calling, (YOUR THE MEANEST WORSTEST MOMMY IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD) (NOBODY EVEN CARES ABOUT YOU) (I HATE YOU) ECT... I will tell you that she does NOT hear anyone at my house speak to anyone this way, nor has she ever heard me speak to anyone that way. She learned that saying those things hurt me and that's her ultimate goal. I have never once let her get away with any of those above mentioned examples. They have always came with smacks with the wooden spoon and going to her bedroom for 30+ minutes and she is not allowed out after the 30 is up unless she explains to me what she said that was wrong and why she isn't supposed to ever speak to anyone in that way. She is very physical when she gets angry and will not hesitate slapping or kicking if you upset her or accidentally hurt her. I do not spank my children out of anger. If I mess up and let things go to far to the point that I am now frustrated, then I just send them to their rooms and take their favorite things away until earned back. Her newest thing is behavior at school and on bus. She has been giving her poor bus driver hell and has been wrote up 3 times this week between driver and her teacher. She will not listen to the driver and she will not respect her friends on the bus. Name calling, hitting, and pushing is re occurring daily. Her teacher contacted me a few weeks ago about K stealing another kids stuffed animal and trying to sneak home with it. When confronted about it, she gave a big elaborate story that sent them searching through trash cans before she eventually started crying and confessed to having it in her book bag. Last week her teacher called me because she was looking for a book and K told her several different stories. One was I took it home and my brother told me to hide it and lie about it so I wouldn't get into trouble and then changed the story saying that she didn't take them she was just kidding. While on the phone with the teacher I found the book that was missing and TWO other books along with them. Now we can add stealing to this list. I have cracked down on the things that they were getting away with and have stayed consistent with what I say and how I discipline and it has continued and gotten worse with new issues almost weekly.
Please, any advice is greatly appreciated. I am open to anything. I should say that I have set her up with an appointment to be evaluated and to seek therapy for her and professional advice for myself. I know that there has to be something. She is only 5. I am really terrified that failing to have tough love and letting so much slide in the past has hurt her worse than I can see. Please only constructive criticism if you feel you must be critical with any much appreciated advice. Thanks in advance for reading this LONNNNGG post. Hope everyone is having a great day.
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Old 12-09-2015, 03:23 PM
 
13,138 posts, read 20,706,093 times
Reputation: 35314
Long, and hard to read OP. But, the gist of it seems to be your daughter has three parents, and they don't agree on how to raise her.

My first question is, why are you still living with your sister after 5 years? It's wonderful that she took you in after your daughter was born, but situations like this are always tricky, and should be temporary. They have to be confusing for the children. You can't on one hand be the ultimate authority for your family, while on the other hand availing yourself of your sister's hospitality. That isn't fair to anyone.

Please, stop spanking. Your sister is correct, if you get out the wooden spoon, you are overreacting. It just isn't necessary.
Your daughter is smart, as most kids are. She knows how to play one adult against the other.

The adults need to come to a consensus, and outside help is probably the best step to take.
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Old 12-09-2015, 03:24 PM
 
1,677 posts, read 2,050,135 times
Reputation: 5490
Can you talk to your sister and brother and law and have them stop interfering in your discipline? That seems to be a major problem. Your daughter regards you as another child in the house, one she doesn't have to listen to or respect. You need to do what you have to do to change that, even possibly looking into other living arrangements.

Also, I would say spanking isn't working. I'm not all rabidly anti-spanking, but I do feel like there are better methods of discipline, and in your daughter's case, I think it could possibly be making things worse. If she's being aggressive to other children, spanking her is only going to make it worse.

The evaluation is a step in the right direction. You may also want to find a professional to speak to yourself, to perhaps give you some better suggestions on how to deal with your daughter's behavior.

Good luck
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Old 12-09-2015, 05:07 PM
 
16,019 posts, read 17,806,901 times
Reputation: 15804
Quote:
Originally Posted by ItsMeHere28 View Post

<snip>

Here's what I believe to be the result of all this..... K has zero respect for me. She speaks to me like I'm trash at times and has recently started straight up telling me NO. She seriously believes that if she refuses in a 'No, please, I don't want to' or 'NO I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT AND YOU CANT MAKE ME' When she doesn't succeed she will then go into name calling, (YOUR THE MEANEST WORSTEST MOMMY IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD) (NOBODY EVEN CARES ABOUT YOU) (I HATE YOU) ECT... I will tell you that she does NOT hear anyone at my house speak to anyone this way, nor has she ever heard me speak to anyone that way. She learned that saying those things hurt me and that's her ultimate goal.

I have never once let her get away with any of those above mentioned examples. They have always came with smacks with the wooden spoon and going to her bedroom for 30+ minutes and she is not allowed out after the 30 is up unless she explains to me what she said that was wrong and why she isn't supposed to ever speak to anyone in that way.

She is very physical when she gets angry and will not hesitate slapping or kicking if you upset her or accidentally hurt her. I do not spank my children out of anger. If I mess up and let things go to far to the point that I am now frustrated, then I just send them to their rooms and take their favorite things away until earned back.

Her newest thing is behavior at school and on bus. She has been giving her poor bus driver hell and has been wrote up 3 times this week between driver and her teacher. She will not listen to the driver and she will not respect her friends on the bus. Name calling, hitting, and pushing is re occurring daily. Her teacher contacted me a few weeks ago about K stealing another kids stuffed animal and trying to sneak home with it. When confronted about it, she gave a big elaborate story that sent them searching through trash cans before she eventually started crying and confessed to having it in her book bag.

Last week her teacher called me because she was looking for a book and K told her several different stories. One was I took it home and my brother told me to hide it and lie about it so I wouldn't get into trouble and then changed the story saying that she didn't take them she was just kidding. While on the phone with the teacher I found the book that was missing and TWO other books along with them. Now we can add stealing to this list. I have cracked down on the things that they were getting away with and have stayed consistent with what I say and how I discipline and it has continued and gotten worse with new issues almost weekly.

Please, any advice is greatly appreciated. I am open to anything. I should say that I have set her up with an appointment to be evaluated and to seek therapy for her and professional advice for myself. I know that there has to be something. She is only 5. I am really terrified that failing to have tough love and letting so much slide in the past has hurt her worse than I can see. Please only constructive criticism if you feel you must be critical with any much appreciated advice. Thanks in advance for reading this LONNNNGG post. Hope everyone is having a great day.
I snipped the background and broke your post up to make it easier to read. First, it is quite normal for children to speak badly to you when they don't get their way. Spanking for this is really a poor way to discipline for it. You need to begin to reward her when she speaks well and when she is doing the right thing rather than punishing her for doing things you do not like.

She has learned to be physical because you spank her with a wooden spoon, btw. Imo, this is the root of many of your problems with her. She is imitating you by hitting and slapping and kicking and being physical when she is angry. Even if you think you are not angry when you hit her, she obviously thinks that you are angry.

It sounds like an evaluation is needed *and* a change of disciplinary methods as well. She needs positive attention. It will be a long road though. She's had 5 years to internalize the feeling that she is not as good as her brother and that she cannot do anything right.

What kinds of things does she do that you can praise and reward her for? What do you love about her? Do you ever have one on one time with just her?
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Old 12-09-2015, 05:17 PM
 
10,171 posts, read 7,035,884 times
Reputation: 23927
I think you are very wise to seek help. Just make sure you follow through with that the therapists say to do. It's hard not to be defensive, but with kids under 11, most therapy will be about how to parent her. Which doesn't mean you are a bad parent. It just helps fine tune your parenting for your specific child.

There are red flags. The three parents not on the same page is no good. A smart child will learn how to play that.

Hitting her isn't ok.

And I think you decided from early on she was going to be a nightmare to parent. Self fulfilling prophecy.
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Old 12-09-2015, 05:34 PM
 
1,614 posts, read 1,209,833 times
Reputation: 2646
You need to consider finding your own place. This will get worse for you. Your living under their roof and have had to put up with many changes due to you needing help. They probably are getting sick of the conflict and are offering you advise that will create for them their peace and quiet. They may be seeing more of your reactions toward your daughters misbehaving than they care to.
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Old 12-09-2015, 07:45 PM
 
Location: Maryland
912 posts, read 642,510 times
Reputation: 1078
Quote:
Originally Posted by nana053 View Post
I snipped the background and broke your post up to make it easier to read. First, it is quite normal for children to speak badly to you when they don't get their way. Spanking for this is really a poor way to discipline for it. You need to begin to reward her when she speaks well and when she is doing the right thing rather than punishing her for doing things you do not like.

She has learned to be physical because you spank her with a wooden spoon, btw. Imo, this is the root of many of your problems with her. She is imitating you by hitting and slapping and kicking and being physical when she is angry. Even if you think you are not angry when you hit her, she obviously thinks that you are angry.

It sounds like an evaluation is needed *and* a change of disciplinary methods as well. She needs positive attention. It will be a long road though. She's had 5 years to internalize the feeling that she is not as good as her brother and that she cannot do anything right.

What kinds of things does she do that you can praise and reward her for? What do you love about her? Do you ever have one on one time with just her?
^^^^ This! You saved me from typing it.

OP, Please, please, PLEASE stop spanking her. You are breaking the trust this little child should have for you while simultaneously modeling the exact behavior you don't want her to repeat.

In addition to the above, try some 'Positive Parenting' resources (blogs, groups, books, websites, etc) for tips and tricks to get you on the right path.
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Old 12-10-2015, 01:19 PM
 
2,008 posts, read 2,181,830 times
Reputation: 3104
she is 5! she needs love. when she acts out, speak to her gently and hold her, get down on her level, etc. Do not hit her. She may be strong-willed which in the long run isn't a bad thing.
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Old 12-10-2015, 01:46 PM
 
13,675 posts, read 13,493,126 times
Reputation: 39792
Take some parenting classes. You're basically doing everything wrong with this kid. There is very little that anyone who's had experience with children would find challenging about your daughter. She's a normal 5-year-old whose behaviors have been exacerbated by a mother who favors one child over another and resorts to a wooden spoon to make her point.
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Old 12-10-2015, 08:43 PM
 
1,302 posts, read 1,178,506 times
Reputation: 1479
Well I did that same thing to my single mother when I was about her age... the therapist hit the nail on the head and told my mom I was trying to test her love. I was trying to push her as far as I could to see if she would still love me. Not having a father figure around but maybe twice a month made me have abandonment issues. After my mom was made aware of what was going on she was able to parent in a different way and make it known that she was going nowhere and loved me no matter how much I pushed her. My mom was my rock growing up and still is.
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