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My husband & I have 4 kids total. 2 from my previous marriage that ended over 10 years ago ages 18&14 as well as a 5 year old and 1 year old we had together. We have been married for 7 years and he has always treated ALL the kids as his own.
About 5 years ago my now 14 year old daughter started having severe behavior problems. This included having such fits at school that I had to go get her and take her home sometimes as often as 3 out of 5 weekdays. At one point I was asked by my employer if I needed to take FMLA leave vs missing work constantly. We also dealt with her cutting herself (superficially but still enough to mark), once after we spanked her (around age 11) and she went straight to the school and asked to speak with the counselor and told her we "beat her". That evening the cops showed up and the school also had to report to DHS. DHS made a visit and the case was dropped of course.She ran away once, once she even told her teachers we had "no food in our home" because we did not buy what she asked us to...the list goes on...
We even tried years up therapy at times up to 3 visits per week and sessions during the school day, testing for mental illness,anything on the autism spectrum etc.
At around 13 she said most of her issues were because she "hated her school and the people at it". I suspect there to be more of an internal issue with her but ultimately my husband & I decided I should become a stay at home mom in order to focus on her wellness (as well as enjoy the other kids) and so I could transport her to and from a charter Arts school.Since I was driving to the Arts school anyway and enrolled my kindergartner there as well.
Things did improve for her at school, but just a few months in she was constantly lashing out at home worse than ever. Every time we tried to parent her or make the most basic request- it was always " I want to live with my Dad and if you don't let me I will tell him you do horrible things to me." We had been sharing our bedroom with our baby and our 5 year old so that my older daughter could have her own room. She had told us if we put her sister " her room" she would "make our lives hell." Finally my husband said he was tired of living like that and having our home dictated by a 14 year old so he starting moving the girls stuff in the room together. When my teen saw he was actually doing this she hit him, screamed that she hated him and wished he would die and she threw my cell phone at him while he was holding our baby-shattering glass all over both of them.
We tried having the police talk to her about what the job and rights of parents are (she talked back) , we tried having her Dad talk to her -he seemed to think this was "normal" teen behavior and it may be the way we talked to her. Yes, in anger I did say regretful things to her but that is NOT how it started and that was after years of being pushed to the brink.
In the end I decided to let her live with her dad. It's really too soon to tell how it will play out since her visitations did not include any responsibilities. I do believe her reaction to his suggestions/parenting is much more positive than it is to ours. It was a painful decision but I felt like my other choice was having my other 3 well adjusted happy children grow up in turmoil or being subjected to investigations any time we pissed their sister off.In the end I think her being a happy or better adjusted adult is more important than keeping custody of her. I also feel like if I forced her to stay things would be worse. At least if she has space we might someday have a chance of a close relationship.
One of the worst things about this has been the judgement from both my own family as well as my ex's. As part of the custody switch she had to drop out of her Art School and go back to public. Her Dad could not transport her and there was no bus route. My family thought I was cruel for making her drop out but she still chose to live at her Dad's knowing that was part of the deal . I don't think she should say we are awful then ask us to drive her to a special school and only go on vacations with us (yes, that was her 1st set of conditions). I also get accused of "giving up on my child" when I see it as trying to give my child what it is she is needing after YEARS of trying so hard myself. My 18 year old son who lives here and saw it all defends our choice.
Have any of you given up custody willingly? Did you end up living in regret over this or was it a positive in the end? Experiences? Advice?
Last edited by Wanderlove; 12-13-2015 at 08:47 PM..
I saw this constantly over 30+ years as a teacher, one parent couldn't deal with the kid and passes him/her off to the other parent.
Kid uproots, goes to another school, sometimes in a different jurisdiction/state. That last for a few months and problems come up in the new situation and kid gets sent back to the first parent. Rinse then repeat.
Sometimes one or another set of grandparents would be included in the mix.
I saw this constantly over 30+ years as a teacher, one parent couldn't deal with the kid and passes him/her off to the other parent.
Kid uproots, goes to another school, sometimes in a different jurisdiction/state. That last for a few months and problems come up in the new situation and kid gets sent back to the first parent. Rinse then repeat.
Sometimes one or another set of grandparents would be included in the mix.
One good thing about putting her in the public school in our town is that ALL of us (Dad, grandparents) live in the district so even if she changing households she will not have to switch schools again.
Tell anyone/everyone your concern is the well being of your child and what is best for her and your concern is NOT their opinions about the choices you have made and their unasked for judgmental BS.
Then tell them it is not a topic that is open for discussion because it is none of their business then change the subject, walk away, hang up, block them if they continue on, etc.
My husband & I have 4 kids total. 2 from my previous marriage that ended over 10 years ago ages 18&14 as well as a 5 year old and 1 year old we had together. We have been married for 7 years and he has always treated ALL the kids as his own.
About 5 years ago my now 14 year old daughter started having severe behavior problems. This included having such fits at school that I had to go get her and take her home sometimes as often as 3 out of 5 weekdays. At one point I was asked by my employer if I needed to take FMLA leave vs missing work constantly. We also dealt with her cutting herself (superficially but still enough to mark), once after we spanked her (around age 11) and she went straight to the school and asked to speak with the counselor and told her we "beat her". That evening the cops showed up and the school also had to report to DHS. DHS made a visit and the case was dropped of course.She ran away once, once she even told her teachers we had "no food in our home" because we did not buy what she asked us to...the list goes on...
We even tried years up therapy at times up to 3 visits per week and sessions during the school day, testing for mental illness,anything on the autism spectrum etc.
At around 13 she said most of her issues were because she "hated her school and the people at it". I suspect there to be more of an internal issue with her but ultimately my husband & I decided I should become a stay at home mom in order to focus on her wellness (as well as enjoy the other kids) and so I could transport her to and from a charter Arts school.Since I was driving to the Arts school anyway and enrolled my kindergartner there as well.
Things did improve for her at school, but just a few months in she was constantly lashing out at home worse than ever. Every time we tried to parent her or make the most basic request- it was always " I want to live with my Dad and if you don't let me I will tell him you do horrible things to me." We had been sharing our bedroom with our baby and our 5 year old so that my older daughter could have her own room. She had told us if we put her sister " her room" she would "make our lives hell." Finally my husband said he was tired of living like that and having our home dictated by a 14 year old so he starting moving the girls stuff in the room together. When my teen saw he was actually doing this she hit him, screamed that she hated him and wished he would die and she threw my cell phone at him while he was holding our baby-shattering glass all over both of them.
We tried having the police talk to her about what the job and rights of parents are (she talked back) , we tried having her Dad talk to her -he seemed to think this was "normal" teen behavior and it may be the way we talked to her. Yes, in anger I did say regretful things to her but that is NOT how it started and that was after years of being pushed to the brink.
In the end I decided to let her live with her dad. It's really too soon to tell how it will play out since her visitations did not include any responsibilities. I do believe her reaction to his suggestions/parenting is much more positive than it is to ours. It was a painful decision but I felt like my other choice was having my other 3 well adjusted happy children grow up in turmoil or being subjected to investigations any time we pissed their sister off.In the end I think her being a happy or better adjusted adult is more important than keeping custody of her. I also feel like if I forced her to stay things would be worse. At least if she has space when might someday have a chance of a close relationship.
One of the worst things about this has been the judgement from both my own family as well as my ex's. As part of the custody switch she had to drop out of her Art School and go back to public. Her Dad could not transport her and there was no bus route. My family thought I was cruel for making her drop out but she still chose to live at her Dad's knowing that was part of the deal . I don't think she should say we are awful then ask us to drive her to a special school and only go on vacations with us (yes, that was her 1st set of conditions). I also get accused of "giving up on my child" when I see it as trying to give my child what it is she is needing after YEARS of trying so hard myself. My 18 year old son who lives her and saw it all defends our choice.
Have any of you given up custody willingly? Did you end up living in regret over this or was it a positive in the end? Experiences? Advice?
Sorry, no sympathy here. I don't understand why people continue to have more children when they can't deal with the ones they already have. She was already having major issues, and you decided that would be a great time to have a baby. You knew exactly how much time and attention a new baby would take, and you certainly should have anticipated that a new baby with a new husband would only exacerbate whatever problems she was having. So, of course, to preserve your nice family life, you pass her on to dad. It might be the best choice for all, but you put yourself in this position in the first place.
If all the parents involved in the decision feel this is the best solution for everyone, don't worry another second about the rude naysayers in your life. Just flat out tell them "We as her parents decided this was the best option for her--and it is not currently up for further discussion." Or could just tell people who try to guilt trip you: "this was her choice" and leave it at that.
Seriously, it sounds like a horrible situation. Try to enjoy and adjust to the newfound peace in your home. Hopefully that will have a positive effect on your daughter when she comes to visit, and you will all have a chance to "start fresh"
We had this situation from the non-custodial parent perspective. My H ex basically kicked one son at 16 to us after he got into some trouble, threatened her and she actually stated she was afraid of him(more on his later).
Long story short, although I'm sure this was painful for her, it worked out fine and she and her son have a great relationship today from everything I know. He always had a good R with his father and its even stronger now which I think is particularly important for this child(possibly because of the age at which his parents divorced and maybe because he is the most like his father).
I don't really know how it reached this point. I could point out lots of things, I/we might have handled differently, but that's not really fair since we weren't dealing with it on a daily basis. Whatever she and her new husband were doing worked fine for their/our other kids.
Based on my own childhood, and this experience, I think it happens that some children and parents are like oil and water and when the child hits adolescence and starts to exert more independence fireworks result.
One experience stands out to me that was kind of eyeopening. I happened to witness a phone convo between my stepson and his mother. I don't recall what they were arguing about, and only saw my stepsons side. He was horrid and frightening, but then he got off the phone and was fine/relaxed and laughing. He had mastered the ability to manipulate his mother. He would never and has never spoken to me or his father that way and I'm quite sure knows he wouldn't get away with it. So, don't be manipulated by what she says to you and don't accept/react to that behavior.
I wouldn't entertain other peoples criticism if you believe you are doing the right thing for your daughter. Its not like you turned her over to the state or put her out on the street. She's with her other parent who presumably loves and cares about her and as long as they are not abusive, criminal or substance addicted she will probably be fine as well as your relationship with her.
I don't think it's that uncommon for teens to switch households, I know two families that made the same move. And, in one of those families, it was for similar reasons you were dealing with. It was the right thing to do in both cases, and it sounds as though it was the right move for you and your daughter also.
It was hard on the step-parents involved though, and one marriage didn't survive. You don't mention a step-mother, is there one?
A bit of breathing room for everybody, while taking the girl's best interests into account, is a positive step, and nobody's business except those making that decision.
One other thing, you mentioned a lot of extended family criticizing you.
Is there anyone like your daughters aunts, uncles or grandparents who she feels close to? Can you enlist their help in checking in on her, keeping in touch with and supporting her?
I know when my own relationship with my father was very troubled, an aunt and a great grandmother who gave me unconditional love was really important in keeping me grounded. Looking back they managed to sympathize/empathize with me without denigrating my father and it made a huge difference in my life.
I think the thing children need most from their parents is unconditional love. Not saying you don't feel that for her, but when you are at war with a parent, it can be hard for a child to feel that.
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