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Old 12-16-2015, 06:24 PM
 
Location: Maryland
912 posts, read 594,421 times
Reputation: 1078

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pennies4Penny View Post
Honestly, this might sound harsh, but considering your medical conditions and the fact that he won't move just because he doesn't feel like it, it seems to me that he is not that concerned with seeing you or your son. I'm sure he enjoys the time, but putting his location above your HEALTH is pretty self centered. If being around you and your son were so important he wouldn't make YOU move and put your health at risk. I've heard of many grandparents moving across country to be closer to their children's families because it was what was best for the grandkids.

You need to be healthy to take care of YOUR son. They are so much work and require so much of you when they are little, you should not burden yourself with avoidable health conditions just because your dad doesn't "feel like" moving. Honestly, I think your best bet would be to move to Florida. You would be on the same coast and a quick flight or few hours drive away making weekend trips and holiday visits very doable and live in the warm weather you NEED. Hopefully he won't need elder care until your son is much older. At that time you can reassess. If you need to move up to MD for that (but hopefully you could move him to you) your son will likely adjust just fine. Kids are pretty resilient.
I agree. I said almost the same thing to him last night when he seemed to be poo-pooing the idea of Timonium or Bethesda (oh, and to add, I don't live near him now -- I'm about 20 minutes away so why would Timonium which is only 35 mins away be an issue? and a correction, google says Bethesda is 55 mins from him, which wouldn't include if he hit Baltimore or DC rush hours). I couldn't believe I had to justify sending my son to a better school to him. He is old fashion Greek. He thinks you should live at home until you marry and then even after you marry. lol But the irony is, I moved away when I was 17yo, moved all around the country, he never visited me once anywhere. He will do anything for me and loves me to pieces, but only if I'm in Baltimore. He didn't even meet my son until he was 4mo and I brought him from CA to MD. I just don't get it. But now that we're here, he is at the house several times per week helping me with the baby, trash, around the house, will take off work to watch the baby when I have a doc appt. (before the baby was in pre-Prek part-time, now I can go when he's in school), etc.

The only hiccup with moving out of MD is that I'd need a court order. The ex wanted me to stay in CA with the baby (who knows why since he spent 15-20 mins per day with the baby before we moved and is a terrible father) so we had to go to court for a judge to grant me the right to move to MD with the baby (I cited family as the reason, which it was -- I told the ex when we were married that we should move near family when we were pregnant, from San Diego to near his family in LA or NC or mine in MD for the baby but he refused). Now as a single mom, I was surely taking my baby to be with family. That and also Child Services played a large role in that move too. The ex has a severe personality disorder (NPD) that causes him to be abusive, but in such a way that Child Services says they see often but it's hard to document until their regulations change (which they are pushing for but who knows when it will pass). She said until their rules change, there's little they can do to protect my son. So Child Services in CA told me off the record to take my son as far from the ex as I could to keep him safe. A friend that works in Child Services in MD also told me the same thing after I got here and was considering a move back to CA for a brief lapse in judgement. So, you can't get much further from CA than MD, so that worked out well.

But now I'm in MD where I can't breathe (I'm on meds for it plus two inhalers yet it was still so bad two weeks ago that it landed me in the ER), my arthritis flares up here in the cold and limits what I can do (I try not to take the pain killers because long term use can do damage to your organs), and my SAD makes me want to jump off a bridge around February when I'm here (and the meds do little to no good, and usually have side effects worse than what I'm taking it for like heart palpitations). So, here I am, stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can move out of MD, but like I said, I'd need a judge to approve it, and asking for that so soon after moving here would look suspicious and I'd also need a solid reason to request the move (like a great job offer for me or my husband, which I don't have yet since I haven't even started dating). The only place I could move without a judge is back to CA since the ex wouldn't contest that, but that's not happening for obvious reasons.

Soooo, I guess I'll be here for a while, or until I meet a Mr. Right and we can get to somewhere I can breathe, walk, and not want to dive off a bridge in the winter. lol

Last edited by UserName14289; 12-16-2015 at 06:46 PM..
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Old 12-16-2015, 06:49 PM
 
Location: North America
14,212 posts, read 9,641,047 times
Reputation: 5537
Live somewhere in between and move to Columbia.
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Old 12-16-2015, 06:52 PM
 
Location: Maryland
912 posts, read 594,421 times
Reputation: 1078
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~HecateWhisperCat~ View Post
Live somewhere in between and move to Columbia.
lol I have some friends saying the same thing.
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Old 12-16-2015, 07:05 PM
 
Location: Arizona
1,599 posts, read 1,273,886 times
Reputation: 4860
Quote:
Originally Posted by UserName14289 View Post
I agree. I said almost the same thing to him last night when he seemed to be poo-pooing the idea of Timonium or Bethesda (oh, and to add, I don't live near him now -- I'm about 20 minutes away so why would Timonium which is only 35 mins away be an issue? and a correction, google says Bethesda is 55 mins from him, which wouldn't include if he hit Baltimore or DC rush hours). I couldn't believe I had to justify sending my son to a better school to him. He is old fashion Greek. He thinks you should live at home until you marry and then even after you marry. lol But the irony is, I moved away when I was 17yo, moved all around the country, he never visited me once anywhere. He will do anything for me and loves me to pieces, but only if I'm in Baltimore. He didn't even meet my son until he was 4mo and I brought him from CA to MD. I just don't get it. But now that we're here, he is at the house several times per week helping me with the baby, trash, around the house, will take off work to watch the baby when I have a doc appt. (before the baby was in pre-Prek part-time, now I can go when he's in school), etc.

The only hiccup with moving out of MD is that I'd need a court order. The ex wanted me to stay in CA with the baby (who knows why since he spent 15-20 mins per day with the baby before we moved and is a terrible father) so we had to go to court for a judge to grant me the right to move to MD with the baby (I cited family as the reason, which it was -- I told the ex when we were married that we should move near family when we were pregnant, from San Diego to near his family in LA or NC or mine in MD for the baby but he refused). Now as a single mom, I was surely taking my baby to be with family. That and also Child Services played a large role in that move too. The ex has a severe personality disorder (NPD) that causes him to be abusive, but in such a way that Child Services says they see often but it's hard to document until their regulations change (which they are pushing for but who knows when it will pass). She said until their rules change, there's little they can do to protect my son. So Child Services in CA told me off the record to take my son as far from the ex as I could to keep him safe. A friend that works in Child Services in MD also told me the same thing after I got here and was considering a move back to CA for a brief lapse in judgement. So, you can't get much further from CA than MD, so that worked out well.

But now I'm in MD where I can't breathe (I'm on meds for it plus two inhalers yet it was still so bad two weeks ago that it landed me in the ER), my arthritis flares up here in the cold and limits what I can do (I try not to take the pain killers because long term use can do damage to your organs), and my SAD makes me want to jump off a bridge around February when I'm here (and the meds do little to no good, and usually have side effects worse than what I'm taking it for like heart palpitations). So, here I am, stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can move out of MD, but like I said, I'd need a judge to approve it, and asking for that so soon after moving here would look suspicious and I'd also need a solid reason to request the move (like a great job offer for me or my husband, which I don't have yet since I haven't even started dating). The only place I could move without a judge is back to CA since the ex wouldn't contest that, but that's not happening for obvious reasons.

Soooo, I guess I'll be here for a while, or until I meet a Mr. Right and we can get to somewhere I can breathe, walk, and not want to dive off a bridge in the winter. lol
My dad is similar. He cares about us and has done a lot of nice things for us, but it's mostly about him. I wouldn't worry about your dad, just do what you need to do for you and your son.

I would think with a doctor's recommendation and a good job offer in the state of your choice, a judge would approve it. Tell them you wanted to move back for family, but the cold weather was much harder on your health than you anticipated and it is effecting your ability to parent your child. You can even emphasize that you are staying on the east coast to be within driving distance of your family. Maybe even say you have arranged monthly visits or something. Don't be miserable!
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Old 12-16-2015, 07:14 PM
 
Location: Maryland
912 posts, read 594,421 times
Reputation: 1078
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pennies4Penny View Post
My dad is similar. He cares about us and has done a lot of nice things for us, but it's mostly about him. I wouldn't worry about your dad, just do what you need to do for you and your son.

I would think with a doctor's recommendation and a good job offer in the state of your choice, a judge would approve it. Tell them you wanted to move back for family, but the cold weather was much harder on your health than you anticipated and it is effecting your ability to parent your child. You can even emphasize that you are staying on the east coast to be within driving distance of your family. Maybe even say you have arranged monthly visits or something. Don't be miserable!
That's actually a good idea. The asthma is a new development since having the baby and being exposed to the cold, my doctor said (who knew childbirth could cause asthma but apparently it's a thing). So, I didn't know that was in the cards when I moved back. And the arthritis gets worse with each passing year (I was hit by a drunk driver when I was 17yo then played sports on it when I shouldn't have but tell that to an invincible and active teen -- now almost 40, I'm paying for it worse each winter).
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Old 12-16-2015, 09:07 PM
 
2,813 posts, read 1,403,696 times
Reputation: 6116
Another vote for Bethesda
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Old 12-16-2015, 09:14 PM
 
Location: california
920 posts, read 600,107 times
Reputation: 1064
Quote:
Originally Posted by UserName14289 View Post
I posted a question on the MD board about not being able to decide between living in Timonium or Bethesda and I doubt it will get many, if any, replies because the two areas aren't in the same metro area. So thinking about the question more globally, what it really comes down to is:

Should I live closer to my son's grandfather or better opportunities?

Here are the points I'm considering (and wasting far too much time researching when I should be doing other things like dishes lol):

- I still have a couple years before my son begins school, but I don't want to keep moving, so when I return to work, likely next year, from staying home with him now that he's still little and in need of special therapies, when I go back to work, I'd like to find something where I intend to send him to school for the next 12 years so I don't have to move again in 2 years when he's ready for school.

- Due to multiple health conditions triggered by the cold, I had no intention of returning to MD when I left the last time for CA, so this wasn't the long term plan but I'm working with life's changes. As a parent, we need to do what is best for our children and not necessarily for ourselves. Hence what brings me back to MD, so my son can be raised closer to family. I love everything about MD except the weather, and the weather will be the same if I'm in Timonium or Bethesda, so that isn't a deciding factor.

- So then I look at schools and Timonium has the best schools in Baltimore (I currently reside in Baltimore after leaving CA due to proximity to family) but Bethesda has the best schools in the state and top 50th in the country.

- Bethesda also has more job opportunities for my field.

- Bethesda has significantly more eligible bachelors, per Google -- I'm a single mom, so that's important.

- BUT Bethesda has an absurd amount of traffic. I lived in Rockville / North Bethesda and commuted to Bethesda many moons ago and swore I'd never return to that traffic. As a single mom, I also want to optimize my time with my son, which means as little traffic as possible from work to daycare, so he's not spending long days in childcare because there aren't two parents to split drop off and pick up.

- My son's godparents are moving out of state when their house sells, and my father (my son's grandfather) will never, ever leave Baltimore. But those are the only frequent relationships I feel are worth considering when thinking about the move. Most of my family is in Baltimore, except one cousin, her husband, and her child that is the same age as my son who are in Rockville / North Bethesda, but we've never been as close as I am with some of our other cousins. The rest of the Baltimore family we'd see just as much if we lived in Timonium or Bethesda.

- Will being 45 minutes away from grandpop be so bad if it means better schools, better jobs, and more dating options, especially considering once my son begins school full time, our regular weeknight visits with grandpop won't be happening (he visits 2-3 times per week) since M-F, after we get home from school/work, it will be dinner and bedtime so visits, no matter which place we live, will have to move to the weekends only anyway (experienced working parents with older kids, am I wrong on that assumption?)? And once the godparents move, that will involve a flight from either location too.

- Added: I also think about things like the other kids he'll meet in either area, what their families will be like, etc. Would I trust them with my son for a playdate / sleepover, etc.

Thoughts? Which do you think would have a greater benefit to my son (keeping in mind that a happy mom makes for a happy son too -- trouble is, since this was never the plan, I don't know where I'd be happiest since this is all a last minute compromise)? As soon as I think I've decided, I change my mind again. Help save me from myself. lol!!!!
I think you can choose to be happy both places, especially knowing that putting your son first allowing him that stability of being with family is the right choice. Problem is you say it but sound conflicted about it so I am not sure if that is truly your goal. If it is, then you know the answer already. If not, I've bolded it above it for you Good luck to you both
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Old 12-16-2015, 10:14 PM
 
179 posts, read 169,310 times
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How far away are you from your son's dad?

I hate DC area traffic. ANything to avoid that area would work for me.
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Old 12-17-2015, 12:19 PM
 
Location: Maryland
912 posts, read 594,421 times
Reputation: 1078
Quote:
Originally Posted by Monello View Post
How far away are you from your son's dad?

I hate DC area traffic. ANything to avoid that area would work for me.
Almost 3,000 miles, luckily (2,759, to be exact). If there weren't an ocean, that number would be higher.
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Old 12-17-2015, 12:29 PM
 
Location: Maryland
912 posts, read 594,421 times
Reputation: 1078
Quote:
Originally Posted by OutdoorsyGal View Post
I think you can choose to be happy both places, especially knowing that putting your son first allowing him that stability of being with family is the right choice. Problem is you say it but sound conflicted about it so I am not sure if that is truly your goal. If it is, then you know the answer already. If not, I've bolded it above it for you Good luck to you both
I can absolutely choose to be happy in either place, but this isn't about me. I'm trying to figure out what is going to give my son the best life. I already moved 3,000 miles so my son could live near family (whereas many grandparents are the ones that do the moving -- see my other posts about my decline in health living here because he won't move.). Now the question is, *how* close. 30 mins close? 1 hour close?

How good of an area do I need to live in to help protect my son from the life in which I was raised (a very poor part of Baltimore where many classmates are now adults on drugs or passed away prematurely)? How close do I need to live to family to ensure close relationships? Which area would afford me the most time home with my son because I can realistically live and work in close proximity to each other? Do I need to be 30 minutes from grandpop if we're only going to be able to see him on weekends anyway once school starts? Does my son have a greater chance to get into the wrong crowd in Baltimore vs Montgomery County? Which has better services for children with delays? Which has more eligible bachelors since at some point my son needs a daddy? Which area has more job opportunities for my field? How much do all these factors play a part in his quality of life?

There's just too many conflicting factors and I'm trying to figure out which will positively impact my son the greatest, hence, my post.
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