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I posted a question on the MD board about not being able to decide between living in Timonium or Bethesda and I doubt it will get many, if any, replies because the two areas aren't in the same metro area. So thinking about the question more globally, what it really comes down to is:
Should I live closer to my son's grandfather or better opportunities?
Here are the points I'm considering (and wasting far too much time researching when I should be doing other things like dishes lol):
- I still have a couple years before my son begins school, but I don't want to keep moving, so when I return to work, likely next year, from staying home with him now that he's still little and in need of special therapies, when I go back to work, I'd like to find something where I intend to send him to school for the next 12 years so I don't have to move again in 2 years when he's ready for school.
- Due to multiple health conditions triggered by the cold, I had no intention of returning to MD when I left the last time for CA, so this wasn't the long term plan but I'm working with life's changes. As a parent, we need to do what is best for our children and not necessarily for ourselves. Hence what brings me back to MD, so my son can be raised closer to family. I love everything about MD except the weather, and the weather will be the same if I'm in Timonium or Bethesda, so that isn't a deciding factor.
- So then I look at schools and Timonium has the best schools in Baltimore (I currently reside in Baltimore after leaving CA due to proximity to family) but Bethesda has the best schools in the state and top 50th in the country.
- Bethesda also has more job opportunities for my field.
- Bethesda has significantly more eligible bachelors, per Google -- I'm a single mom, so that's important.
- BUT Bethesda has an absurd amount of traffic. I lived in Rockville / North Bethesda and commuted to Bethesda many moons ago and swore I'd never return to that traffic. As a single mom, I also want to optimize my time with my son, which means as little traffic as possible from work to daycare, so he's not spending long days in childcare because there aren't two parents to split drop off and pick up.
- My son's godparents are moving out of state when their house sells, and my father (my son's grandfather) will never, ever leave Baltimore. But those are the only frequent relationships I feel are worth considering when thinking about the move. Most of my family is in Baltimore, except one cousin, her husband, and her child that is the same age as my son who are in Rockville / North Bethesda, but we've never been as close as I am with some of our other cousins. The rest of the Baltimore family we'd see just as much if we lived in Timonium or Bethesda.
- Will being 45 minutes away from grandpop be so bad if it means better schools, better jobs, and more dating options, especially considering once my son begins school full time, our regular weeknight visits with grandpop won't be happening (he visits 2-3 times per week) since M-F, after we get home from school/work, it will be dinner and bedtime so visits, no matter which place we live, will have to move to the weekends only anyway (experienced working parents with older kids, am I wrong on that assumption?)? And once the godparents move, that will involve a flight from either location too.
- Added: I also think about things like the other kids he'll meet in either area, what their families will be like, etc. Would I trust them with my son for a playdate / sleepover, etc.
Thoughts? Which do you think would have a greater benefit to my son (keeping in mind that a happy mom makes for a happy son too -- trouble is, since this was never the plan, I don't know where I'd be happiest since this is all a last minute compromise)? As soon as I think I've decided, I change my mind again. Help save me from myself. lol!!!!
Last edited by UserName14289; 12-16-2015 at 10:35 AM..
Another thing to consider is your father's health. You mentioned ways that would benefit you and benefit your son, but what if your father needs help & caregiving?
I think you need to put you and your son's long term needs first. Our families live 1500 miles away and when we move we'll be even further away, but the place we want to move has much better opportunities for our kids and will be less of a financial burden for us. We tried to find something closer, but nothing else worked for us, so much to my MIL's dismay, we will not be moving back home.
Forty five minutes is not that far. You can easily drive there and back in a day. Once he starts school, you'll also be running more errands and doing more chores on the weekends, so even if he is close, seeing gramps every weekend may not be plausible anyway. Your son's activities will also move to the weekends or weekday evenings.
You can always find a way to fit visiting family into your schedule, but what is around you will be the only resources you have available to you. Don't limit yourself if you don't have to.
Another thing to consider is your father's health. You mentioned ways that would benefit you and benefit your son, but what if your father needs help & caregiving?
That's because I prefer to cross one bridge at a time. I already moved 3,000 miles closer (to live in a state that I need to be on multiple medicines for three different conditions triggered by the cold temps here) because he refuses to move (and some days I question that decision and whether I should go back to warmth, because, after all, we only get one life -- why should mine be dictated by others?).
If being 45 minutes away is later a burden for him because he's aging, he's always welcome to move in or find alternate care. He's in his 60s, after all, not his 80s. So far he's working, partying, and doing just fine and I'm a single mom with mobility limitations and a special needs son trying to get on my feet after my ex-hb walked out on his family and my 4mo son.
So yeah, right now I'm focused on my son and myself. Later, when my father needs help, I'll focus on juggling that too. Until then, I'll focus on the task at hand. Sorry if my post comes off a little bit gruff, but the move back to MD is a sore subject, especially now that I'm in the throes of winter so my arthritis, severe asthma, and SAD are in full force. I coughed violently non-stop for 8 out 10 months since I've been here, I'm on pain medicine for the arthritis, and nothing seems to help SAD except sunshine. He, on the other hand, has zero health concerns and zero reasons not to move except stubbornness.
I think you need to put you and your son's long term needs first. Our families live 1500 miles away and when we move we'll be even further away, but the place we want to move has much better opportunities for our kids and will be less of a financial burden for us. We tried to find something closer, but nothing else worked for us, so much to my MIL's dismay, we will not be moving back home.
Forty five minutes is not that far. You can easily drive there and back in a day. Once he starts school, you'll also be running more errands and doing more chores on the weekends, so even if he is close, seeing gramps every weekend may not be plausible anyway. Your son's activities will also move to the weekends or weekday evenings.
You can always find a way to fit visiting family into your schedule, but what is around you will be the only resources you have available to you. Don't limit yourself if you don't have to.
Good points. I suppose I'm torn because I grew up with a very large extended Greek family all within miles of my home. I'm an older first time mom, so all of those loved ones have since passed. So I want to be close to grandpop so my son can have what I had. At the same time, he lives in a bad area with horrible schools and crime, so I won't be living there. So then it comes down to close but decent school or a bit further and much better school but lots of traffic and higher COL. If my father weren't in Baltimore, I'd be in DC. Although, if he weren't in Baltimore, I wouldn't be in MD at all; I'd be where there are milder winters for my health and sanity (happy mom = happy child).
That's because I prefer to cross one bridge at a time. I already moved 3,000 miles closer (to live in a state that I need to be on multiple medicines for three different conditions triggered by the cold temps here) because he refuses to move (and some days I question that decision and whether I should go back to warmth, because, after all, we only get one life -- why should mine be dictated by others?).
If being 45 minutes away is later a burden for him because he's aging, he's always welcome to move in or find alternate care. He's in his 60s, after all, not his 80s. So far he's working, partying, and doing just fine and I'm a single mom with mobility limitations and a special needs son trying to get on my feet after my ex-hb walked out on his family and my 4mo son.
So yeah, right now I'm focused on my son and myself. Later, when my father needs help, I'll focus on juggling that too. Until then, I'll focus on the task at hand. Sorry if my post comes off a little bit gruff, but the move back to MD is a sore subject, especially now that I'm in the throes of winter so my arthritis, severe asthma, and SAD are in full force. I coughed violently non-stop for 8 out 10 months since I've been here, I'm on pain medicine for the arthritis, and nothing seems to help SAD except sunshine. He, on the other hand, has zero health concerns and zero reasons not to move except stubbornness.
You never know when they're going to need help...my dad is in his 60's and he's got to be watched 24 hours a day and needs help with every daily activity. I had figured my kids would at least be in their 20's when my parents started needing help, but it didn't work that way for us. That being said, it's impossible to provide as much help and care as my dad needs while still taking care of my kids and my own health.
Anyhow, if a different location is much better for your health, move. You being healthy enough to care for your son is a much more important consideration than being near family, especially family that can't or won't make accommodations for your health needs.
You're only talking 45 minutes. I'm 35 minutes from my parents, and we go back and forth all the time, at least once a week, for something to do with the kids. It's not much of an issue. I'd go to where the schools and jobs are better, and if dad gets to the point where he needs your help, move him in with you, or to a place closer to you. He doesn't *need* to be in his location, you *need* to be in yours.
Good points. I suppose I'm torn because I grew up with a very large extended Greek family all within miles of my home. I'm an older first time mom, so all of those loved ones have since passed. So I want to be close to grandpop so my son can have what I had. At the same time, he lives in a bad area with horrible schools and crime, so I won't be living there. So then it comes down to close but decent school or a bit further and much better school but lots of traffic and higher COL. If my father weren't in Baltimore, I'd be in DC. Although, if he weren't in Baltimore, I wouldn't be in MD at all; I'd be where there are milder winters for my health and sanity (happy mom = happy child).
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom
You never know when they're going to need help...my dad is in his 60's and he's got to be watched 24 hours a day and needs help with every daily activity. I had figured my kids would at least be in their 20's when my parents started needing help, but it didn't work that way for us. That being said, it's impossible to provide as much help and care as my dad needs while still taking care of my kids and my own health.
Anyhow, if a different location is much better for your health, move. You being healthy enough to care for your son is a much more important consideration than being near family, especially family that can't or won't make accommodations for your health needs.
Honestly, this might sound harsh, but considering your medical conditions and the fact that he won't move just because he doesn't feel like it, it seems to me that he is not that concerned with seeing you or your son. I'm sure he enjoys the time, but putting his location above your HEALTH is pretty self centered. If being around you and your son were so important he wouldn't make YOU move and put your health at risk. I've heard of many grandparents moving across country to be closer to their children's families because it was what was best for the grandkids.
You need to be healthy to take care of YOUR son. They are so much work and require so much of you when they are little, you should not burden yourself with avoidable health conditions just because your dad doesn't "feel like" moving. Honestly, I think your best bet would be to move to Florida. You would be on the same coast and a quick flight or few hours drive away making weekend trips and holiday visits very doable and live in the warm weather you NEED. Hopefully he won't need elder care until your son is much older. At that time you can reassess. If you need to move up to MD for that (but hopefully you could move him to you) your son will likely adjust just fine. Kids are pretty resilient.
If you want to stay in MD then I would choose Bethesda ( I used to work in Bethesda commuting from the VA side). If sounds like it will be the best for you and your son. If you decide to leave you could even move down to NC. We are warm for most of the year with our coldest months being January and February.
You are correct to assume that your time will be more precious after he starts school and you go back to work. There is no way we could fit in week night visits with family. 45 minutes isn't very far away. I think you should go where the job opportunities and medical/therapy services are better. You can still talk on the phone with grandpa or skype/facetime during the week.
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