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Old 12-03-2011, 01:07 PM
 
47,586 posts, read 32,249,742 times
Reputation: 21458
Quote:
Originally Posted by justnice View Post
I am shocked that so many people are willing to kick their children out once they turn 18. What exectly are you going to teach them by kicking them out? IMO the teaching should've started as soon as they were born, and now you wonder why your kids have no respect for you? Not to be judgemental here, but somewhere down the road, you went wrong.

I will NEVER kick my children out. They are my children, and they will continue being my children till I die. I will never stop loving them, and will give my life for them. I will help them with everything I can, for as long as I am alive. I will never be able to sleep peacefully knowing that my 18 year old is strugling to pay rent, college, bills, ... and for what? To prove to me that he/she is responsible? What is wrong with most of the people in this country? Is it any wonder the nursing home business is such a success?
A lot of kids do successfully move out once they reach 18 years of age. They were raised to be responsible, they know how to hold a job, pay bills, live within their means. Legally the parent has no more obligation to support the adult child. If the adult child is disrespectful, can't follow the rules of the house, is destructive, makes for a terrible roommate -- then why should the parents continue enabling him/her?

I've always raised my kids to know that age 18 is legal adulthood, and also that I might not be around forever to provide them all their needs and wants. I think the BEST thing a parent can do for a child is to get that child to fully-functional adulthood and not be a crutch for them forever.

If my kids are acceptable roommates to me, I don't mind them staying longer but they cannot lay around and not work or go to school. That's out of the question. They cannot show a lot of disrespect for me either because I'll be quick to point out to them the door and remind them they are free to leave. So far since I've done this all along, they get real nice once they reach 18. So far I haven't minded them as roommates for longer but they still have to be making good progress on their independent adulthood.

 
Old 12-03-2011, 07:34 PM
 
Location: Southern Girl
589 posts, read 417,050 times
Reputation: 1551
Once your kids do move out the relationship improves. We have a good relationship with our kids but they truly learned to appreciate us when they moved out. Now our time together is pleasurable I don't deal with their mess they don't deal with my complaining!
 
Old 12-04-2011, 09:09 AM
 
47,586 posts, read 32,249,742 times
Reputation: 21458
Quote:
Originally Posted by pumpkin5 View Post
Once your kids do move out the relationship improves. We have a good relationship with our kids but they truly learned to appreciate us when they moved out. Now our time together is pleasurable I don't deal with their mess they don't deal with my complaining!
And when they become parents themselves, it improves even more. I especially began to appreciate my own parents when I became one. That's when you really start to see everything they did for you, all the sacrifices they made.
 
Old 12-04-2011, 10:53 AM
 
2,040 posts, read 1,262,711 times
Reputation: 2270
Quote:
Originally Posted by justnice View Post
I am shocked that so many people are willing to kick their children out once they turn 18. What exectly are you going to teach them by kicking them out? IMO the teaching should've started as soon as they were born, and now you wonder why your kids have no respect for you? Not to be judgemental here, but somewhere down the road, you went wrong.

I will NEVER kick my children out. They are my children, and they will continue being my children till I die. I will never stop loving them, and will give my life for them. I will help them with everything I can, for as long as I am alive. I will never be able to sleep peacefully knowing that my 18 year old is strugling to pay rent, college, bills, ... and for what? To prove to me that he/she is responsible? What is wrong with most of the people in this country? Is it any wonder the nursing home business is such a success?
What is wrong with learning how to struggle? It builds character. How do you teach your child to deal with hardships that they can't control? What would your children do if they suddenly lost you and had to learn to manage on their own? Don't you want your children to be able to function as self-sufficient adults or do you want them to be dependent on you for as long as you are alive?

Having lost my own father when I was young, I was determined to be able to support myself, because you never know when you will lose the other parent. Especially in single-parent families, the ability to support oneself is critical. The tables could be turned in an instant and the adult child would have to be able to support the parent.

I suppose it's a difference in perspective.
 
Old 12-04-2011, 11:39 AM
 
19,394 posts, read 13,802,724 times
Reputation: 13150
Quote:
Originally Posted by pcfreeland View Post
My 18 and 20 year old are just doing everything they can to prove they dont need parents any more....when can i legally kick them out?
Guess we'll never know what the op ended up doing as that was her/his one and only post on cd back in 08.
 
Old 12-04-2011, 12:52 PM
 
Location: In Line For The E Ticket Ride
20,516 posts, read 10,908,951 times
Reputation: 21923
Quote:
Originally Posted by justnice View Post
I will never stop loving them, and will give my life for them. I will help them with everything I can, for as long as I am alive. I will never be able to sleep peacefully knowing that my 18 year old is strugling to pay rent, college, bills, ... and for what? To prove to me that he/she is responsible? What is wrong with most of the people in this country? Is it any wonder the nursing home business is such a success?
I'm not sure what helping your children has to do with the nursing home business. If you're suggesting that children who have been helped by their parents are more likely to NOT put them in a NH I can tell you that isn't necessairly true.

I'm in the generation where my friends and I are/have been facing this. And I've seen it go both ways. It depends more on how close the child is to the parent IMO and the desire and ability of the adult child to take care of the parent and not put them in a NH or assisted living facility.
 
Old 12-04-2011, 05:33 PM
 
47,586 posts, read 32,249,742 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn View Post
I'm not sure what helping your children has to do with the nursing home business. If you're suggesting that children who have been helped by their parents are more likely to NOT put them in a NH I can tell you that isn't necessairly true.

I'm in the generation where my friends and I are/have been facing this. And I've seen it go both ways. It depends more on how close the child is to the parent IMO and the desire and ability of the adult child to take care of the parent and not put them in a NH or assisted living facility.
True. That assumes that it's not about love at all that keeps families together but money. ONLY if you give your kid X amount of dollars can you hold their love.

Most kids actually feel good about becoming independent and knowing they can make it on their own, trying to hang onto your kids by keeping them helpless and running to you for money is not real love at all.
 
Old 12-04-2011, 08:51 PM
 
703 posts, read 782,686 times
Reputation: 741
Quote:
Originally Posted by justnice View Post
What is wrong with most of the people in this country? Is it any wonder the nursing home business is such a success?
Just read the other day that over 10 million Americans are caring for aging parents. I know several women who are caring for their mothers and none would describe their mothers as ever having been particularly nurturing. All left home as soon as they graduated high school and never looked back. Love, duty, financial concerns are all part of the reasons they are taking care of their mothers now.

As the Granny from Nebraska wrote, we raised out kids to be independent, competent, caring people. They have their own lives, we have ours. We certainly have not tried to keep them tied to us in hopes we don't end up in a nursing home.
 
Old 12-04-2011, 09:12 PM
 
Location: here
16,588 posts, read 12,899,198 times
Reputation: 13204
Quote:
Originally Posted by SCGranny View Post
We told our kids from the time they were small - "When you turn 17, you get Samsonite - when you turn 18, you use it."

This understanding from the time they were old enough to comprehend made them look at life far differently than their peers. They knew that Mom and Dad would not support them their entire lives, were not their fallback place, were not their be-all and end-all. They started making their plans for their own lives early on - taking on responsibility, getting jobs, investigating careers, figuring out what they wanted from life and how they were to get it. They understood that a parent's responsibility is not to cater to them throughout their hapless, helpless, multidirectional lives, but to ensure only that they received an education, a comfortable and healthy home, and a good ethical and moral foundation on which to build - themselves.

Every last one - not only our own kids but our foster kids - got the promised luggage set on their 17th birthday. They were all well on their way to responsible adulthood by then, and understood that they were to start pursuing their own lives. They are all now adults (the "baby" turned 25 this year) and they are all functional, productive adults; have their own homes and their own lives. As adults, we all enjoy each others' company, send each other goofy presents and encouragement, are all on Facebook together sending pictures and comments back and forth - but we all know when to go home. When one of us is in trouble, we all band together as adults and help the one; it is reciprocal and no one expects anyone to give more of themselves than another.

The purpose of parenting is to raise fully functional adults who are independent, thoughtful, self-educating, emotionally, mentally, and physically mature, and self-reliant. Anything else is, in our opinion, pure self-aggrandizing selfishness. We love all of our kids as the cognizant and thoughtful, funny and fun-loving, responsible, loving, self-respecting and self-aware adults that they have become.
I think that is harsh. That makes it sound like you are counting the days until they are out of your hair (maybe you were, but you shouldn't let them know that). My parents set a good example and raised us to become self-sufficient adults. They helped support my sis and I through college (HELPED, not a 100% free ride) and I've never had to ask to move back home or borrow a single dime. There was no need for them to threaten with a deadline or to buy me luggage.
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