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Old 12-23-2015, 09:42 PM
 
Location: Paoli
2 posts, read 1,847 times
Reputation: 15

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Hello I just made my new profile a few minutes ago so I would like to share some of the things that are on my mind.I have one son CF, who is gay.Most people say that it is almost impossible for fathers to accept their sons for being gay, but it wasn't for me.I am a very accepting father.My son came out to me about a month ago and I wasn't really surprised.
It happened one day after school.He came up to me and said "Dad, there's this person that I like...Except its a boy..."He told me that every day on the bus he would sit with him and in his social studies period he sat right behind him.I told told him that it was okay and that I loved him anyways.He said that the reason that he decided to tell me was because the boy that he liked CV was beginning to become confusing to him.He told me that he would sometimes catch his crush looking at him from the corner of his eye, which was leading him to the thought that his crush was gay and liked him back in the way that Cf liked him.The part that confused him was that CV already had a girlfriend but they never talked.He said that he isn't sure whether or not to confess to CV of his feelings which could jeopardize his friendship with the young man, in hope that he confesses that he feels the same way.
I wish that I could help CF because I had that same problem back when I was in seventh grade...
Please give me some advice.I have been searching online for months for answers but none of them have helped not one bit.I love my son and I wish the best for him.I don't want him to be confused about guys that he may or may not like, and I hate seeing him having STRONG feelings for this young fellow, while not knowing if the fellow has feelings for him back...


Please any advice will help

Last edited by Miss Blue; 12-24-2015 at 05:57 PM.. Reason: mot a good idea to reveal your name here
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Old 12-23-2015, 10:13 PM
 
4,554 posts, read 2,025,304 times
Reputation: 5980
I think maybe it would be best for your son NOT to divulge his crush. If at some point his crush reveals that he is interested, then he can confess the same feelings. Without knowing for CERTAIN that the object of his interest is gay, it would only lead to complications. If his crush is NOT gay, then that would potentially be problematic if the other young man is in any way opposed to gay lives. If he IS gay or thinking he may be gay but is not READY to acknowledge this in himself, then he might be 'defensive' (to say the least) and the results might be disastrous as well.

Best not to force (even inadvertently) anyone into deciding/confirming what is still a sensitive area for most. Quite frankly, if the other young man has a girlfriend, he is probably heterosexual or at the very least undecided about his sexuality. And that is his business.

Maybe the best your son could hope for at this time, (not knowing the other young man's 'status') is to invite him to some of the 'usual' teenage activities in which he is involved/has an interest. That way he could maybe get some idea of the other person's interests as well as any interest in HIM.

Frankly, most people have had some experience of unrequited love/like/crush and have never told the object of their affections for some reason or other. It is a part of life. Just because he 'feels' a certain way doesn't mean he has to 'act' on it. At this time, he at least has the friendship of the other young man. Friendship is priceless and he should not jeopardize it.

I hope this helps. It's difficult being young, no matter gay or straight. Sigh.

Last edited by Miss Blue; 12-24-2015 at 05:59 PM.. Reason: removed your response about the name as I have deleted it
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Old 12-24-2015, 09:09 AM
 
5,017 posts, read 4,833,112 times
Reputation: 11667
Quote:
Originally Posted by UnderstandingDad View Post
Most people say that it is almost impossible for fathers to accept their sons for being gay
No they don't.

I don't think this is a real post.
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Old 12-25-2015, 05:32 PM
 
Location: Seattle, Washington
8,435 posts, read 8,387,998 times
Reputation: 1690
Treat it the same way as if it were a girl he likes. What would you tell him to do? It's awkward at that age anyway. Personally, I would tell him that it could hurt to be rejected but also if you don't tell, he won't know.

I disagree with the poster who said to do nothing. "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved." (or similar). The best way is by note on the bus while telling the other boy to read it at home. If he doesn't respond, they can both ignore that it was given in the first place. If he does respond, then great! You might be able to get away with by text too.
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Old 12-26-2015, 12:13 PM
 
4,738 posts, read 2,264,388 times
Reputation: 6120
Partnered gay guy here.

The best thing for you to do is leave it be and let your son figure it out himself.

My parents weren't accepting at all, so I was left to figuring things out myself. By 20, I was able to point out to you in a crowd of people who's gay and who's not. And no, I'm not looking for flamboyancy.

Because society has templates for straight people to use when it comes to crushes and dating at a young age, it's not such a big deal and parents can give pointers. It's not so much the case with us gays.

Trust me, he'll figure it out. Just let him be.

Added by edit.

Oh yeah, I would advice your son to keep it under wraps until he can stand on his own 2 feet. My boyfriend was kicked out of the house into the streets when he was 15. Nowadays, I still wake up in the middle of the night finding him cry in his sleep. I suspect it has something to do with being thrown out at 15.

I myself was forced out of a good professional job a number of years ago.

I know a lot of young gay people like to believe that the world has changed since the last generation and they can be fully themselves. I keep advising them that it's a cruel and unforgiving world out there. What's different with today's world versus, say, 20 years ago is the homophobes have gone into the shadows and will stab you in the back when they have the chance. 20 years ago, at least we knew who to trust. Nowadays, we can't trust anyone, not even the ones that say they are all for our rights. The homophobes have figured out how to blend in with everyone else.

Edit again.

Haha, I find it amusing that his mom still occasionally call us and leave a message telling us how sinful we are and that we will go to hell. I haven't done it, but I'd like to tell her I'm the one paying for and putting your son through college. Christianity does weird things to people...

Last edited by Miss Blue; 12-26-2015 at 08:54 PM.. Reason: DELETED THE FILTERED WORD
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Old 12-26-2015, 10:32 PM
 
4,738 posts, read 2,264,388 times
Reputation: 6120
^^ I'd like to clarify that when I say I haven't done it, I meant saying it to her. I am supporting and paying for my boyfriend through college, a responsibility that is suppose to belong to his parents.

OP, just leave your son be regarding his crush. He'll figure it out. And advice him to not expose himself so soon in his life. Life isn't a movie where people will somehow change in a course of 2 hours and everyone lives happily ever after. There are plenty of homeless gay kids out there to prove my point.

Last edited by MetroWord; 12-26-2015 at 10:44 PM..
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Old 12-27-2015, 07:50 PM
 
Location: Seattle, Washington
8,435 posts, read 8,387,998 times
Reputation: 1690
Quote:
Originally Posted by MetroWord View Post
^^ I'd like to clarify that when I say I haven't done it, I meant saying it to her. I am supporting and paying for my boyfriend through college, a responsibility that is suppose to belong to his parents.

OP, just leave your son be regarding his crush. He'll figure it out. And advice him to not expose himself so soon in his life. Life isn't a movie where people will somehow change in a course of 2 hours and everyone lives happily ever after. There are plenty of homeless gay kids out there to prove my point.
I disagree. You are perpetuating an unhealthy view of gay kids. My daughter is in HS and has several gay friends. Give the advice as a normal person would... regardless of sexual orientation. If my HS daughter had a crush, I'd advise the same thing as I said above. Send a text or a note. If they don't respond then ignore it and move on.

Why do relationships have to be MORE complicated because of sexual orientation. That makes no sense.
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Old 12-29-2015, 06:37 AM
 
4,738 posts, read 2,264,388 times
Reputation: 6120
Quote:
Originally Posted by katjonjj View Post
I disagree. You are perpetuating an unhealthy view of gay kids. My daughter is in HS and has several gay friends. Give the advice as a normal person would... regardless of sexual orientation. If my HS daughter had a crush, I'd advise the same thing as I said above. Send a text or a note. If they don't respond then ignore it and move on.

Why do relationships have to be MORE complicated because of sexual orientation. That makes no sense.
You do have a good point. It shouldn't be anymore difficult than being straight.

That said, one of the harshest lessons a young gay kid learns is most people aren't gay and are hostile toward gay people.

My previous advice stands, which is for the dad to leave his son alone on this one. Let him learn on his own. And my advice to his son also stands. He needs to be careful how he presents himself. It will get better. It gets better for everyone. In the mean time, he needs to guard himself.
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Old 12-29-2015, 01:32 PM
 
579 posts, read 554,026 times
Reputation: 675
Quote:
Originally Posted by UnderstandingDad View Post
Hello I just made my new profile a few minutes ago so I would like to share some of the things that are on my mind.I have one son CF, who is gay.Most people say that it is almost impossible for fathers to accept their sons for being gay, but it wasn't for me.I am a very accepting father.My son came out to me about a month ago and I wasn't really surprised.
It happened one day after school.He came up to me and said "Dad, there's this person that I like...Except its a boy..."He told me that every day on the bus he would sit with him and in his social studies period he sat right behind him.I told told him that it was okay and that I loved him anyways.He said that the reason that he decided to tell me was because the boy that he liked CV was beginning to become confusing to him.He told me that he would sometimes catch his crush looking at him from the corner of his eye, which was leading him to the thought that his crush was gay and liked him back in the way that Cf liked him.The part that confused him was that CV already had a girlfriend but they never talked.He said that he isn't sure whether or not to confess to CV of his feelings which could jeopardize his friendship with the young man, in hope that he confesses that he feels the same way.
I wish that I could help CF because I had that same problem back when I was in seventh grade...
Please give me some advice.I have been searching online for months for answers but none of them have helped not one bit.I love my son and I wish the best for him.I don't want him to be confused about guys that he may or may not like, and I hate seeing him having STRONG feelings for this young fellow, while not knowing if the fellow has feelings for him back...


Please any advice will help
First, I do not think that most people say that it is almost impossible for fathers to accept their sons for being gay, in fact I think the VAST majority would feel that most dads would love and accept their son no matter what his sexuality, and only a minority would reject him.

As for your son, all young people are confused about feelings and scared of rejection. I wish him luck, but your best advice is to let him live his own life and offer to be there no matter what to help him enjoy happiness and deal with saddness.
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Old 12-30-2015, 02:30 PM
 
484 posts, read 346,329 times
Reputation: 895
I'd recommend that the OP get in touch with his local chapter of PFLAG -- Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. It's a support organization for families. It can help a lot to have other parents who have walked in those shoes. Here's a link to their website, you can find a group near you: http://community.pflag.org/

That being said, it is important to pay attention to what MetroWord has said above. Coming out in high school (or younger) is not only a difficult process, it can lead to violence. There is a great documentary streaming on PBS right now about a young man who came out when he was 16 in Oil City, PA, and he faced so much daily violence (which the teachers and administrators did nothing to address) that he was forced to leave school. You can watch it for free until March 2, 2016:
http://www.pbs.org/video/2365428063/

Harassment and violence is a very real possibility in many communities in the US. Plan accordingly.

Last edited by Inquring81; 12-30-2015 at 02:55 PM..
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