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Old 12-26-2015, 01:53 PM
 
Location: Here and There
2,539 posts, read 3,273,270 times
Reputation: 3766

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I certainly don't envy your position OP. My daughter is a sophomore in college that works and pays her own rent/gas/food, I'll throw her a few bones here and there as a treat because she works her tail off. We pay for her college, car pymt/insurance, cell phone. My son is a senior in HS that works 4-5 nights/wk at Ben and Jerry's, he buys his own clothes/shoes, fast food when he's out with friends, gas/oil changes, etc. I expect my kids to work and help out with their expenses, and they comply, end of story.

I'm not going to excuse your daughter's behavior, but I'm sure she has some emotional "stuff" going on from her Mom basically dropping her off on your doorstep and jetting. I don't condone coddling, but it seems to me that kicking her out to teach her 'tough love' could end tragically. There's no way I could do that to my own child, let alone tell you to do that to your child (I realize she is 22). She's damaged, she needs love and more than anything, guidance. I hope she's still involved in therapy? I wish you both all the best.
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Old 12-26-2015, 02:04 PM
 
1,151 posts, read 1,414,361 times
Reputation: 2035
OP,


Maybe it is time to sit down with your daughter and have a talk about what it takes to get and keep a job.


It sounds like she expressed an interest in retail- but, has no experience to get hired. So, how does she get that experience? Are there any thrift shops in the area that need volunteers? Would she consider volunteering to get the experience she needs in order to land her first paying job?


There is a lot to learn about being on time, following directions, pitching in to help others, working with customers, working with other employees, etc. etc. etc.. If she can learn and excel as a volunteer, she has a great reference in order to land her first paying job.


Just an idea.
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Old 12-26-2015, 02:04 PM
 
1,399 posts, read 1,080,802 times
Reputation: 2052
I went through a brief period after high school where I partied a lot and lacked responsibility but I always had jobs and payed my own way. Don't buy anymore food for the house but instead keep it in a fridge at work. When she gets hungry she'll find work.
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Old 12-26-2015, 02:31 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,639,274 times
Reputation: 33226
Quote:
Originally Posted by NCN View Post
Do not throw her out. You wouldn't like what happens to homeless young girls.

She sounds like someone that could hold a responsible job. Help her get focused in something she could like such as a real estate broker or insurance sales. I don't think I would ever be able to work in fast food either. It is just not my type of job. My first summer job after high school was working in a law office. Help her find something she is suited for. Unemployment offices have counselors. She needs to schedule a session with one.

Get off her back and give her encouragement. This child of divorced parents has had a rough life. You and your wife caused the problem. Now man up and give her the confidence she needs. She needs to know you believe in her. Doesn't look like anybody ever has before. Seems you have been giving a free ride when what she needs are options that she can live with.

If there is a finishing school or course in your area, you might want to enroll her in that. Reading between the lines makes me think this girl has promise.
Are you trying to be funny? Let's see she is 22 years old and never had a job. I notice a lot of this on CD nowadays "I'm 26 and I never had a job" threads. How did this happen? Someone is paying your freight. We now have a generation or two in this country who have been so coddled by parents it's amazing that some of them can wipe their own bottoms without assistance.

It used to be kids got a part time job when they were around 15 or 16, whether it was mowing lawns, babysitting, fast food, etc. It gave them some responsibility and they learned to earn some money. If they wanted something extra they used the money the earned, taught them the value of the dollar.

How is someone who graduated HS at 19 shows any signs of an individual who has any motivation?

Get off her back? How about the OP stop paying the car insurance and giving her gas money for the car she is driving around in that isn't up to her standards.

Unless you have an adult child who is mentally or physically handicapped this is nothing but enabling them. When she is 37 and still living with the OP, what is your solution?
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Old 12-26-2015, 02:34 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,639,274 times
Reputation: 33226
Quote:
Originally Posted by NY Annie View Post
I would love to know how she is getting speeding tickets? Who is putting gas in the car? Who is paying her insurance? If it is good old daddy, then STOP! Now, today. When growing up, my sons had jobs - first it was newspaper delivery - then pizza delivery, McDonald's, diners, kitchen prep work, floor washing! They paid their own ways. And the same with my grandkids.
Well of course it's daddy. If there is a way of getting your gas and car insurance paid other than using your own money or having someone else foot the bill, please let me know.....LOL.

Maybe if she can't leave the house due to no gas and no car, she will get motivated to get a job.
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Old 12-26-2015, 02:58 PM
 
Location: Leaving fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada
3,836 posts, read 6,608,408 times
Reputation: 7254
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
Well of course it's daddy. If there is a way of getting your gas and car insurance paid other than using your own money or having someone else foot the bill, please let me know.....LOL.

Maybe if she can't leave the house due to no gas and no car, she will get motivated to get a job.
Hey dad you know that your insurance premiums are going up now that she's gotten those tickets, right? Good time for her to be removed from your policy.
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Old 12-26-2015, 07:10 PM
 
489 posts, read 324,621 times
Reputation: 1662
Quote:
Originally Posted by DonInKansas View Post
I know it's hard for young people to find jobs today but it amazes me how so many feel they are above menial jobs. I know I am going to sound old but back in my day just sitting around not doing anything was unheard of, as well as feeling they "deserve" whatever job they want. I know it's not all young people but damn it sure seems today's youth are the laziest and most entitled.
Back in your day? You mean today?
This is most certainly the case with many people still today. You and only you are allowing your daughter to be a freeloader. Do not blame society or "these days" on your shortcomings. Give her an ultimatum and stick to it. If she has at least 1 friend, she won't end up on the streets.
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Old 12-26-2015, 10:26 PM
 
Location: NYC
281 posts, read 283,742 times
Reputation: 729
Quote:
Originally Posted by DonInKansas View Post
I know it's hard for young people to find jobs today but it amazes me how so many feel they are above menial jobs. I know I am going to sound old but back in my day just sitting around not doing anything was unheard of, as well as feeling they "deserve" whatever job they want. I know it's not all young people but damn it sure seems today's youth are the laziest and most entitled.
It's a shame to hear that you have family struggles, Don. I'm not a parent, my only frame of reference is growing up in a rough family. I have been on my own since a young age, albeit in my case, because my parents were abusive, and regardless of who is causing the problem, this type of family struggle is difficult on everyone who is involved. Maybe it would be best if the two of you cut ties, at least for a brief period, and she tried making it on her own for a while, since it doesn't seem like either of you are happy with the existing arrangement. And it doesn't sound healthy or productive for you or for her. It sounds like you've been banging your head into this particular wall for a while, and that's gotta hurt.

That being the case, i also think discussions forum-wide would be a lot more pleasant if we turned down the generational divisiveness a couple notches. My generation received the same stereotypes when we were in our teens and 20s, and turns out that now, heading into middle age, we're about as typical a group of working, married and/or family minded American adults as has ever existed. On average, we have pretty stable careers and marriages, refuting past prognostications that we'd all flunk out of school and loll around on millions of sofas in millions of basements across the nation, drooling and hungover like the town drunk. Behavior of the type your daughter exhibits is both a product of youthful stupidity, and in some cases, personality specific (in others — I'm not saying in your case, but in some cases — its related to upbringing). But it's not generation-specific. And I'm not pointing fingers at you either, Don. Cross-generational sparring is something that most everyone on here does. Just goes with the territory of some of these topics, it seems.

Stubborn, angry young people who make life difficult for themselves and others have existed since time immemorial. I hope someday you have the privilege of meeting other types of young people your daughter's age, since most of them are great people, working very hard to make what they've got (which, in the case of this current group, is not a lot, with the recession and all) work out. This is straight up a TOUGH hand you've been dealt, and I'm sure the solution won't be easy regardless of what you choose. But by pinning your daughter's specific behavior on an entire generation, you're only stoking your own anger, and making it harder on yourself to figure out the best solution. I can't tell you what to do with her. That is totally up to you and the circumstances of your problem. But I will say this: focus your limited time and your mental energy on HER, and on the specific problems at hand, rather than what other people her age are up to. Not only will it help you focus on the solution faster, it will also do wonders for your mental (and physical) health. As a man of middle age myself, I have learned over the years that focusing on what other people are doing wastes time and energy I can't afford to spend, and doesn't help me solve my problems any faster.

Last edited by Mr.BadGuy; 12-26-2015 at 10:49 PM..
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Old 12-27-2015, 12:08 AM
 
Location: NYC
281 posts, read 283,742 times
Reputation: 729
After reading your OPs again, I wonder if your daughter is struggling from a mental health issue. Some people do consider this a cop-out, but speaking from experience, some mental health issues can be very severe and totally impede adult functioning. I can see you are at your wit's end but are also terrified for her well-being. You have compassion, Don, and I can see that you want her to succeed.

So I want to append my original advice by asking if you have considered directing her to the vocational rehabilitation services in your state? My state has this program, which provides funding, counseling, and job placement services to adults with mental illness and other impairments that are affecting their ability to lead productive adult lives. Some of those adults have issues with authority and a significant number struggle to hold down any type of job, so she would not be alone by far, if placed in such a program.

If you are in Kansas, Google "vocational rehabilitation Kansas" — or if you've since moved, try "vocational rehabilitation [your current state of residence]" — and take a look at the results. A program of this type may, depending on your state's funding and level of reach, provide your daughter with the structure and guidance she needs to successfully transition to adult life, and may provide you with the peace of mind you need and the space required to get your life back.

Another option, which I personally believed saved my life when I was 20, and which I would endorse for any youth in a difficult situation, is called JobCorps. Here's a link to the federal JobCorps web page with some links about how the program works: How Job Corps Works. In my case, for the duration of the program, I was given lodging, meals, and a spending allowance, and my state (at the time) also allowed students to live at home (which was obviously not an option in my abusive home but may be what you and she prefer). I also received job training in electrical work and IT, and they offered other career training programs too. I don't know if she qualifies or what the current rules are. I also don't know whether she's too old for the program...when I was in it, the age limit was 24 or 25...in light of budget cutbacks since 2011, this might have changed, but it's worth looking into.

Good luck, Don. As I said previously, this is a very difficult situation for all involved and I do feel for you.
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Old 12-27-2015, 05:18 AM
 
Location: NYC
281 posts, read 283,742 times
Reputation: 729
Quote:
Originally Posted by december215 View Post
You shouldn't ever accept someone you don't like.

What happened to having principles?

Also, they can't have a strong training system if they have high turnover. That makes no sense.
Fast food companies have high turnover because they don't pay a living wage. Which is the same reason so few people respect the jobs or those who work at them. And also, I suspect, why they sneer at the unemployed to "Go work at McDonald's," no matter how ludicrous or impossible that would be for that individual's circumstances.

Believe it or not, McDonald's has standards, too. And now, more than ever, they are rejecting PLENTY of candidates who many on this forum would consider to be adequately, if not OVER-qualified for the positions offered. Many fast-food companies expect you to have recent, relevant experience IN that sector — which is yet one more argument for a living wage, and proof, besides, that solving the nation's employment crisis is nowhere near as simple as declaring that if all the "lazy people" would just "get off their butts and get to McDonald's," full employment would be attained. Yes, McDonald's has standards, and a complete, specific training protocol; you are working with machines requiring specific operating instructions, hot grease, and a fast-paced turnaround time for a hungry, impatient customer base, among other things. I can generally tell when a person hasn't worked a retail or service-sector job; they underestimate, by orders of magnitude, how demanding and exhausting many of those jobs can be.

I don't think the OP is necessarily coming from this perspective, though — I think he is simply very, very worried about his daughter and her ability to survive in the adult world. It's what I am picking up on in his posts, anyway.
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