Adult daughter "refuses" to work in fast food. (insurance, married)
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She is what you allowed her to become! If this was my mess, I would set up a meeting with her and give her three months notice that I would no longer be paying for her car, phone, clothes, insurance, gas, and whatever else I was paying for. If she wants to have these things, she needs to get a job. And she must have a job if she wishes to live with you. I would probably take it one step further. In six months she has to start paying for food, utilities, and rent. Time to grow up!
And I would make darn sure that car is in her name so when she gets picked up for driving without insurance, it doesn't hurt you. You need to make sure she doesn't have access to your money or credit cards, etc. And be ready to change the locks if necessary. And you might want to read up on how to legally evict someone from your property. You can't just put all their stuff out in the yard!
If he demands rent when she's vulnerable, don't be surprised when she demands rent when the parent is 85 and vulnerable.
I'm not sure it's going to be worth it for the parent in the long run.
LOL...newsflash from what the OP has written about her I highly doubt she will be doing caregiving of an elderly father. Unless she has a major attitude adjustment as she gets older.
Parents who give kids everything they want and than some, and are loving parents find out sometimes when they're elderly the same adult children that they loved and did everything for want nothing to do with helping them in old age.
He shouldn't demand rent. But no money for gas, and the car is no longer insured until she gets a job, just food and her bed. She will get bored soon enough and a job won't look so bad. Just to have spending money.
When my 18 year old daughter spend the better part of 4 years being a total ass and ruining her life I had enough and when she turned 18 I sold her car, her stuff and left her butt behind to fend for herself.
Hard lesson, but one that didn't take long to sink in. It's only been a couple of months and she's like a whole different person. Two jobs, both in food service, better quality boyfriend and friends, paying bills. She was always smart and I think now she's regretting throwing away her chance to do as we had planned in high school. She was set up to graduate early and now she's gotta do it the hard way.
Okay, OP, I understand not wanting to kick her out.
But, she's a spoiled brat. I raised one, too. But, mine went to work to get out of my house. What it boils down to, is you need to make it less comfortable for her to be unemployed than to get a job.
My daughter is also very stubborn. I completely understand that you won't get anywhere trying to control her. Trying to convince her to go to school or get a job or drive slower, etc., will probably just go in one ear and out the other. You have no control over her, and she knows it.
So, I suggest you don't try to control her anymore. What you do is, you control how you spend your own money that you have - because you work for a living.
It won't be easy, because she will pitch the temper tantrums that have always served her so well. And she will amp them up to a level that is nearly intolerable. But, this is what I suggest:
You sit her down and calmly tell her (or if she won't sit down and listen, you write her a note and tape it to her bathroom mirror):
1) I will never kick you out.
2) I will never make you get a job.
But,
1) You will owe me money for food and rent in the amount of $500 for room and board each month. I'll keep a tally. Hopefully someday you can pay me back. I will not loan you any money in addition to providing you with room and board.
2) I will sell the car and put the money I get for it towards your bill.
3) I will no longer provide you with anything other than a place to live and some food of my choosing.
4) If you want more than that, you will have to figure out a legal way to pay for them yourself.
Love, Dad
Then, sell the car, stop the insurance, and turn off her cell phone service. Stop paying for anything at all other than household expenses you would pay for if she wasn't there.
When she starts screaming about how she needs shampoo, tell her, "Hmmm, that sounds inconvenient."
In fact, make that your mantra when she yells about how she needs this and that. "Hmmmm, honey, that sounds really inconvenient."
You won't have to tell her to get a job. What she'll probably do is try to find somebody to let her move in with them. And that's fine. Let her.
There comes a point in every adult's life when they can't blame their parents anymore for their life. This is her time to learn that.
If you can't do it, things won't change.
And no, don't agree to pay for any more college either, in case she thinks that will be her way out. Tell her she might want to look into community colleges and student loans in her own name.
And don't pay her speeding tickets or become her taxi. Remember the mantra, "Hmmmm, yes taking the bus must be inconvenient." "Hmmm, yes, losing your license is very inconvenient."
And I suggest that if she pitches loud fits, that you just leave the house. And if she cries, remember the mantra. And don't let her pull you into some dramatic conversation about how hard things are blah blah, and you're so mean to her. "Hmmmm, yes, growing up is hard and inconvenient."
Good luck. It won't be easy, but it's best for both of you. She needs to grow up and I'm sure it would be difficult for you to find a nice woman to keep in your life, if she has to compete with your live-in grown, spoiled daughter.
Last edited by NoMoreSnowForMe; 12-27-2015 at 11:13 PM..
I am sure this is fairly common with young people today, but my daughter (mother sent her to me when she was 15) who is 22 thinks more menial jobs such as fast food is beneath her. She has had issues with authority and does not like doing what she doesn't want to do, even her mother got sick of it so she sent her to live with me at 15. We divorced when she was 10 and I still stayed in her life and did many things with her but by 15 my ex just couldn't handle her and sent her to me.
Anyway after many issues including her seeing a therapist she finally graduated HS at 19 and briefly went to CC but dropped out her first semester. From the outset it was bad I got her a cheap car which she complained about for "being a piece of junk" (it was a 2001 Nissan Sentra in good condition) and started partying and ignoring her studies and just dropped out. I told her she needs to find a job and she did apply at some retail places but that didn't pan out so I told her to apply at some fast food places but she just says she refuses to work fast food and doesn't want that kind of job.
I talked with her mother but she is married with two teens from it and she pretty much doesn't want anything to do with her.
What can I do, just threaten to kick her out? She'd be on the streets for sure. She has also gotten a few speeding tickets and instead of owning up to it she just goes on about how the police or stupid and just want their quotas.
You and your ex didn't do much to prepare this girl for adulthood did you?
I think you should have some compassion for her because you failed her as a parent. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but... it needs to be said.
In the vast majority of cases, children do what they CHOOSE to do.
Maybe people are not successful because of genetics and/or maybe it is a result of their environment (I have know plenty of rebels who chose dropping out of school and not trying to become a "success" as a result of their very strict parents and the expectations of those parents) -- or maybe it just boils down to character, but whatever the answer, children do not ALWAYS live up to expectations!
I know, I had to laugh at that statement, too.
If ONLY it had been that simple!!
But yeah, agree with most other posters. Hopefully she would "wake up" with some tough love... (some don't)
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