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Old 12-28-2015, 02:34 AM
 
Location: Poshawa, Ontario
2,986 posts, read 3,155,317 times
Reputation: 5622

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Quote:
Originally Posted by DonInKansas View Post
What can I do, just threaten to kick her out? She'd be on the streets for sure. She has also gotten a few speeding tickets and instead of owning up to it she just goes on about how the police or stupid and just want their quotas.
Give her two weeks to find a job or a new place to live and see what option she chooses. If she does nothing, give her the boot. You are not doing anything for her by 100% supporting her lazy ass and promoting a slacker lifestyle.

Good luck.
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Old 12-28-2015, 07:51 AM
 
Location: CT
3,462 posts, read 1,695,829 times
Reputation: 4600
Quote:
Originally Posted by DonInKansas View Post
I am sure this is fairly common with young people today, but my daughter (mother sent her to me when she was 15) who is 22 thinks more menial jobs such as fast food is beneath her. She has had issues with authority and does not like doing what she doesn't want to do, even her mother got sick of it so she sent her to live with me at 15. We divorced when she was 10 and I still stayed in her life and did many things with her but by 15 my ex just couldn't handle her and sent her to me.

Anyway after many issues including her seeing a therapist she finally graduated HS at 19 and briefly went to CC but dropped out her first semester. From the outset it was bad I got her a cheap car which she complained about for "being a piece of junk" (it was a 2001 Nissan Sentra in good condition) and started partying and ignoring her studies and just dropped out. I told her she needs to find a job and she did apply at some retail places but that didn't pan out so I told her to apply at some fast food places but she just says she refuses to work fast food and doesn't want that kind of job.

I talked with her mother but she is married with two teens from it and she pretty much doesn't want anything to do with her.

What can I do, just threaten to kick her out? She'd be on the streets for sure. She has also gotten a few speeding tickets and instead of owning up to it she just goes on about how the police or stupid and just want their quotas.
Gee, thanks for all the support "Mom", so the ex just dumped the problem on you, and it sounds like you did your best, kept a roof over her head, food in her belly, and saw to her education. Well, at 22 it's time to start growing up, a big lesson in life is to learn that we need to take care of ourselves if we want our independence, and that there are consequences for our actions. Sounds like DD hasn't learned those lessons yet, so time to begin to let go of her hand so that she learns what she needs to in order to get on in her life. I know as a Dad it's scary for you, but you know you have to do this or the behavior and the attitude won't change. I'd suggest starting out with her personal expenses like car expenses including insurance, cell phones, spending money, entertainment, penalties. That way if it's important to her, she'll drop the attitude and take a job that pays.
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Old 12-28-2015, 08:47 AM
 
33,035 posts, read 12,497,258 times
Reputation: 20935
Quit paying for stuff.

Have a heart to heart with her about how you think paying for stuff is holding her back from building a life, so starting Jan. 1, she will be responsible for all her bills from cell phone to car insurance.

She still has a place to live, but beyond that she is on her own.

Do it with love and the belief that she will figure it out.

Celebrate her successes. Sympathize with her setbacks. Stand firm on the money.

Good luck.
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Old 12-28-2015, 09:10 AM
 
Location: Buckeye, AZ
25,407 posts, read 14,492,810 times
Reputation: 9213
Working fast food isn't that fun. You deal with having to put in orders for people including those like myself who want no lettuce, discounts and promotions and then deal with the customers when the orders aren't right (lettuce found for instance.) Then you can be subject to robbing. I previously worked at a gas station which you do drops similar to fast food and it can be a while to do them due to the fact of lunch and dinner rushes. I found out after I lost that job that my mother feared for me as well as my brother years before working that job due to the likelihood of robbery.

I fought my parents putting in for fast food. I previously worked in a kitchen and didn't really like it and from being a customer, I would have gotten annoyed. A better suggestion if you want here to do "fast food" is working at a movie theater at the snack bar. It's a little less stress with wrong orders as you and maybe one other are the ones doing the order. I put in for these but they didn't work out. Don't worry though, I got two jobs now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rivertowntalk View Post
Actually, the job market is so good at the moment, there are tons of options. Could easily get more than one job. Usually can leverage up to a better job once working. So, working fast food may be a just a short term solution and entry into the job market. She then could keep looking for a better job.

She needs a jump start, though, and I think you need to pay her deposit and first month's rent for an apartment. She will need roommates to share the cost. This will put the responsibility of living in her hands and she can find a guy friend to help her along. Once she is established, working and paying her own rent, she might wake up and decide that she wants to take some college classes. Could be that she is just slow to mature to that level. You would then support her on that.

Things may come into a better perspective after a year. You would still be a safety net from a distance for a period of time. Make sure she knows you will buy her some groceries. You then start calling her and asking her for help with things. You would ask, "I really need help with X project this weekend." "Can you come by and help me move the X." She will think, "Can't he do anything on his own?"
The job market is better on a whole but the issue is specific areas aren't exactly booming. Arizona is lagging a bit. I'm not sure where the OP and their daughter live but maybe just maybe the market is competitive.
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Old 12-28-2015, 09:25 AM
 
Location: CT
3,462 posts, read 1,695,829 times
Reputation: 4600
Quote:
Originally Posted by mkpunk View Post
Working fast food isn't that fun. You deal with having to put in orders for people including those like myself who want no lettuce, discounts and promotions and then deal with the customers when the orders aren't right (lettuce found for instance.) Then you can be subject to robbing. I previously worked at a gas station which you do drops similar to fast food and it can be a while to do them due to the fact of lunch and dinner rushes. I found out after I lost that job that my mother feared for me as well as my brother years before working that job due to the likelihood of robbery.
Well....... a lot of jobs aren't fun, but if they pay the bills and you can't find anything better, you just get out there and do it. It's the grown up thing to do.
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Old 12-28-2015, 09:33 AM
 
Location: Buckeye, AZ
25,407 posts, read 14,492,810 times
Reputation: 9213
Quote:
Originally Posted by snowtired14 View Post
Well....... a lot of jobs aren't fun, but if they pay the bills and you can't find anything better, you just get out there and do it. It's the grown up thing to do.
I work as a security guard at a football stadiums and we get insults thrown from time to time, no where near as often as fast food workers, even to their faces. If you don't get a special order right even if you clicked it, it's your fault to some customers. It's a very emotionally draining job, even with the best boss. That's why I am saying see if you can work snack bar at a movie theater or maybe a bowling alley. It's lower stress and people don't seem to complain as much as a McDonald's, Taco Bell, Wendy's, etc.
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Old 12-28-2015, 09:46 AM
 
Location: Northern NJ
7,405 posts, read 7,360,683 times
Reputation: 10609
Quote:
Originally Posted by DonInKansas View Post
I am sure this is fairly common with young people today, but my daughter (mother sent her to me when she was 15) who is 22 thinks more menial jobs such as fast food is beneath her. She has had issues with authority and does not like doing what she doesn't want to do, even her mother got sick of it so she sent her to live with me at 15. We divorced when she was 10 and I still stayed in her life and did many things with her but by 15 my ex just couldn't handle her and sent her to me.

Anyway after many issues including her seeing a therapist she finally graduated HS at 19 and briefly went to CC but dropped out her first semester. From the outset it was bad I got her a cheap car which she complained about for "being a piece of junk" (it was a 2001 Nissan Sentra in good condition) and started partying and ignoring her studies and just dropped out. I told her she needs to find a job and she did apply at some retail places but that didn't pan out so I told her to apply at some fast food places but she just says she refuses to work fast food and doesn't want that kind of job.

I talked with her mother but she is married with two teens from it and she pretty much doesn't want anything to do with her.

What can I do, just threaten to kick her out? She'd be on the streets for sure. She has also gotten a few speeding tickets and instead of owning up to it she just goes on about how the police or stupid and just want their quotas.

You are being a bad parent. She should be out on the streets figuring it out. It's preposterous that you bought her a car or anything else why she is freeloading as an adult.

Out with her. You are destroying her. It may already be too late.
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Old 12-28-2015, 09:49 AM
 
Location: Buckeye, AZ
25,407 posts, read 14,492,810 times
Reputation: 9213
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc Paolella View Post
You are being a bad parent. She should be out on the streets figuring it out. It's preposterous that you bought her a car or anything else why she is freeloading as an adult.

Out with her. You are destroying her. It may already be too late.
If more parents thought like what you are saying the OP should do, the US would be over-ran by homeless.
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Old 12-28-2015, 09:57 AM
 
Location: Northern NJ
7,405 posts, read 7,360,683 times
Reputation: 10609
Quote:
Originally Posted by mkpunk View Post
If more parents thought like what you are saying the OP should do, the US would be over-ran by homeless.
No, if more parents thought like me we would have a society of independent, rational, responsible adults who plan for the future and take care of business. Rather than being miserable, freeloading, irresponsible, victimizers who take advantage of everyone around them and think they have it coming.

The OP should give the daughter a 6 month hard-coded date, after which she will be out on the street, responsible for herself. He won't have the balls to do it, that's how this monster was created. But OUT THE DOOR is definitely what he should be doing.

And so should you if you are harboring and destroying a loser kid who is sitting around the house waiting for life to kick in.
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Old 12-28-2015, 10:01 AM
 
9,902 posts, read 12,973,449 times
Reputation: 5464
In terms of an adult, I think that you have to do what you have to do to pay bills.

However, I would steer my kids away from fast food jobs towards something else. I think they are a net negative to self esteem and how you view work. I worked them when I was younger and I don't think they taught me many lessons other than that work sucks and that most people are nasty jerks. You see the world from a negative lens when you deal with the dregs of society. Realize that every loser who comes into Mcdonalds, no matter how pathetic, unaccomplished, uneducated, etc, is made to feel superior to the person serving them because of the stigma of fast food work. Waiting tables you get some of the same crap, but at least you make better money. When I had toothless welfare cases in dirty sweatpants imply that I was stupid, it didn't really do a lot for me at 18 as a freshman in college.
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