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Old 12-28-2015, 10:12 AM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,175 posts, read 14,253,018 times
Reputation: 14776

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Led Zeppelin View Post
You and your ex didn't do much to prepare this girl for adulthood did you?

I think you should have some compassion for her because you failed her as a parent. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but... it needs to be said.
Hurray for you! You have put the blame squarely on the parents. The problem is, the "child" is an adult. Once an adult, the decisions/choices and RESPONSIBILITY for self are squarely up to the new adult. Blaming the parents is over. The child/adult is the only one responsible for him/herself.



OP, very few times do I agree 100% with NMSFM, and this is one.


I became stepmother to a young boy who had no sense of contributing to a family. His mother worked hard to continue that message while his father and I had a whole different set of expectations and rules in our home. He was 9. I didn't jump into it from day 1, but I did implement a whole new set of rules. His father presented the plan to him and, surprisingly, he was happier and preferred being with us to living with his mother.

That changed when he became a teen and mother announced she was getting married and moving half a country away. He was given the choice who to live with and chose poorly. Today, he can't keep a job more than a year. He seldom informs us when he's lost a job because he knows there will not be support coming from us. At 26, his mother supports him with half his rent, money for food, car repairs/insurance. His Christmas gift from us was a warm winter jacket, new snow boots, and a nice pair of pants. To find a job, he needs to be able to brave the cold Wisconsin winter and those are essentials. If he gets hungry, there's always a soup kitchen.

The last time he asked us for a handout because he could not pay his rent, we suggested he go to one of the homeless shelters - and even provided a list of them. His mother went ballistic. He is fast approaching 30 and she (living in FL) will continue to support him (living in the cold north) because he is never going to learn until she stops.
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Old 12-28-2015, 10:19 AM
 
Location: Buckeye, AZ
25,407 posts, read 14,492,810 times
Reputation: 9211
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc Paolella View Post
No, if more parents thought like me we would have a society of independent, rational, responsible adults who plan for the future and take care of business. Rather than being miserable, freeloading, irresponsible, victimizers who take advantage of everyone around them and think they have it coming.
Many of these irresponsible are that because their parents never forced them to have responsibility. Ever think it was that and not coddling them and sheltering them?

As for what you say, of course SOME would be come independent and responsible. However there will also be more that need help that we cannot even give to the homeless veterans and runaways from abusive homes.
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Old 12-28-2015, 10:21 AM
 
Location: Upstate NY
30,408 posts, read 9,086,867 times
Reputation: 28951
She refuses to work at a job she considers beneath her for the same reason Americans "won't do jobs illegals are [supposedly] doing"--she's not hungry enough.

Someone is making her too comfortable, and I have a feeling it might be you.
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Old 12-28-2015, 11:13 AM
 
178 posts, read 167,814 times
Reputation: 489
Quote:
Originally Posted by dman72 View Post
In terms of an adult, I think that you have to do what you have to do to pay bills.

However, I would steer my kids away from fast food jobs towards something else. I think they are a net negative to self esteem and how you view work. I worked them when I was younger and I don't think they taught me many lessons other than that work sucks and that most people are nasty jerks. You see the world from a negative lens when you deal with the dregs of society. Realize that every loser who comes into Mcdonalds, no matter how pathetic, unaccomplished, uneducated, etc, is made to feel superior to the person serving them because of the stigma of fast food work. Waiting tables you get some of the same crap, but at least you make better money. When I had toothless welfare cases in dirty sweatpants imply that I was stupid, it didn't really do a lot for me at 18 as a freshman in college.
If you let some piece of trash hurt your self esteem or make you feel worthless, then that is on you. No matter what profession you are in, you will most likely have to deal with worthless human beings. Luckily, most people are pretty decent. The trick in life is figuring how to deal with the rude jerks and not letting it affect you. If you figure it out while working in Fast Food, well, then you are actually ahead of the game compared to your peers.
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Old 12-28-2015, 11:18 AM
bg7
 
7,698 posts, read 7,629,990 times
Reputation: 14991
Quote:
Originally Posted by FireFly2 View Post
If you let some piece of trash hurt your self esteem or make you feel worthless, then that is on you. No matter what profession you are in, you will most likely have to deal with worthless human beings. Luckily, most people are pretty decent. The trick in life is figuring how to deal with the rude jerks and not letting it affect you. If you figure it out while working in Fast Food, well, then you are actually ahead of the game compared to your peers.
Yes - if your self-esteem is dependent on others its going to be roller coasting your whole life.
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Old 12-28-2015, 11:19 AM
 
Location: Buckeye, AZ
25,407 posts, read 14,492,810 times
Reputation: 9211
Quote:
Originally Posted by FireFly2 View Post
If you let some piece of trash hurt your self esteem or make you feel worthless, then that is on you. No matter what profession you are in, you will most likely have to deal with worthless human beings. Luckily, most people are pretty decent. The trick in life is figuring how to deal with the rude jerks and not letting it affect you. If you figure it out while working in Fast Food, well, then you are actually ahead of the game compared to your peers.
It's not that one person says it, it is that you hear it over and over again. You may have specific cases you remember but most of it is hearing it over and over.
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Old 12-28-2015, 11:29 AM
 
Location: San Diego
32,799 posts, read 30,034,103 times
Reputation: 17688
Quote:
Originally Posted by dman72 View Post
In terms of an adult, I think that you have to do what you have to do to pay bills.

However, I would steer my kids away from fast food jobs towards something else. I think they are a net negative to self esteem and how you view work. I worked them when I was younger and I don't think they taught me many lessons other than that work sucks and that most people are nasty jerks. You see the world from a negative lens when you deal with the dregs of society. Realize that every loser who comes into Mcdonalds, no matter how pathetic, unaccomplished, uneducated, etc, is made to feel superior to the person serving them because of the stigma of fast food work. Waiting tables you get some of the same crap, but at least you make better money. When I had toothless welfare cases in dirty sweatpants imply that I was stupid, it didn't really do a lot for me at 18 as a freshman in college.
Any customer service job deals with A-holes. Even the better paying ones.
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Old 12-28-2015, 11:35 AM
 
Location: Barrington
41,854 posts, read 31,715,364 times
Reputation: 14077
Quote:
Originally Posted by photobuff42 View Post
Take her back to the therapist.

Take the keys and tell her she can get herself a cool set of wheels with all the money she is earning.



Stop giving her any money. Take her to the cell phone store and make her set up her own account. Tell her she is lucky that she doesn't have to purchase a phone.

Take her to pay the speeding tickets. She needs to pay them.

Stop giving her money. No gas money, no lunch money, no party money.

The word "no" should be your friend.
"No" is a complete sentence.

No reason to explain or defend "No".

She will turn it into a negotiation and dad will lose.

I would also cease buying any food, detergent, paper products or personal care items.

Cut off cable.

Dad can take his meals elsewhere and hoard a roll of TP and soap.

Be prepared for her to pull the suicide card. Call 911.

"No" is a complete sentence.
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Old 12-28-2015, 11:41 AM
 
35,121 posts, read 37,802,296 times
Reputation: 61840
Quote:
Originally Posted by dman72 View Post
In terms of an adult, I think that you have to do what you have to do to pay bills.

However, I would steer my kids away from fast food jobs towards something else. I think they are a net negative to self esteem and how you view work. I worked them when I was younger and I don't think they taught me many lessons other than that work sucks and that most people are nasty jerks. You see the world from a negative lens when you deal with the dregs of society. Realize that every loser who comes into Mcdonalds, no matter how pathetic, unaccomplished, uneducated, etc, is made to feel superior to the person serving them because of the stigma of fast food work. Waiting tables you get some of the same crap, but at least you make better money. When I had toothless welfare cases in dirty sweatpants imply that I was stupid, it didn't really do a lot for me at 18 as a freshman in college.
Not everyone who works at fast food places are dolts and some of those "toothless welfare cases in dirty sweatpants" could have bought you and that McDonald's with cash, you really never know who you are dealing with.
You need to realize that you and your attitude do nothing to improve the *stigma of fast food* work with you previous and current attitude.
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Old 12-28-2015, 01:13 PM
 
1,931 posts, read 1,326,189 times
Reputation: 3026
Quote:
Originally Posted by NY Annie View Post
Hurray for you! You have put the blame squarely on the parents. The problem is, the "child" is an adult. Once an adult, the decisions/choices and RESPONSIBILITY for self are squarely up to the new adult. Blaming the parents is over. The child/adult is the only one responsible for him/herself.
Instead of telling me this, you should tell the father who's asking the question. He's the one asking how to make his 20 year old adult daughter stop acting like a child. I'm merely pointing out to him that what he and mom probably need to do is stop doing what they've been doing all her life, most likely. Stop doing nothing.

As far as your stepson goes... well, it sounds like you rightfully put some "blame" on her the way he's behaving. And for the fact that he - at the age of 20 no less - is continuing to practice the same poor habit patterns that SHE doubtless helped instill in him and will probably not stop teaching him.

Implicit in blame the parents is a recognition that parents have something to do with how their children turn out. Some children act more like mature adults when they're 14 years old than some adults do when they're 50. And in those cases, I give the parents as much credit as I do the child.

Last edited by Led Zeppelin; 12-28-2015 at 01:25 PM..
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