U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
Old 12-24-2015, 06:09 AM
4,586 posts, read 4,409,442 times
Reputation: 4333


Originally Posted by Linda_d View Post
Nonsense. Low end food service jobs have always been considered menial, requiring no particularly marketable skills, and they pay accordingly. Back before there was fast food, there were waitresses and cooks in greasy spoons.
Which requires physical ability to perform; speed, focus, and attention! So, please excuse me for completely disagreeing with calling these jobs "menial". They're not menial at all.

If these were "menial, please do explain what is the use of a psychology degree that people can't find a job at all with? (LOL) ..and some end up at Starbucks with those degrees!?! Sure that makes so much more sense indeed. Apparently, people don't even know what jobs take that degree....
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

Old 12-24-2015, 06:34 AM
3,749 posts, read 2,903,476 times
Reputation: 11932
She's being how you have taught her. She's 22 and you're now complaining? What happened when she was 18? Its going to be really tough now, since she's used to entitlement. There won't be any easy fix. Either you support her the rest of her life, or get tough with her.

There is nothing wrong with working at fast food restaurants, millions do it in order to pay their bills. Might have to work 2 jobs, but you do what you have to do. And she is doing what she has to do. Which is nothing. You can thank yourself for her being that way.

Im sure theres no way you will kick her out, but what you can do is offer her a roof over her head and nothing else. As in, no food, no gas money, no party money, no clothes money, no cell phone. Nothing. Wont be easy on you, but it will hopefully teach her that you need to earn what you want to have. No matter what you have to do.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-24-2015, 06:36 AM
3,749 posts, read 2,903,476 times
Reputation: 11932
Originally Posted by DonInKansas View Post
I know it's hard for young people to find jobs today but it amazes me how so many feel they are above menial jobs. I know I am going to sound old but back in my day just sitting around not doing anything was unheard of, as well as feeling they "deserve" whatever job they want. I know it's not all young people but damn it sure seems today's youth are the laziest and most entitled.
They know what they are taught and how they are raised. You have yourself to thank for that.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-24-2015, 07:06 AM
Location: Colorado Springs
4,320 posts, read 4,348,520 times
Reputation: 15239
The only thing that changes behavior is consequences.

Start with small steps, e.g. you will apply in person for 5 jobs per day. If you fail to do that, your cell phone gets cancelled in 1 week. Then do it.

Keep demanding results and just rewarding the behavior that you want.

It works well with dogs.

And humans too.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-24-2015, 07:38 AM
5,016 posts, read 4,826,504 times
Reputation: 11667
OP, you don’t have to be an a hole to her. Just tell her that you can’t keep paying for her car, phone, etc. or by giving her $. Leave it there. She’ll figure out she needs money and she’ll have to figure out how to get it (i.e. a job). She may find a boyfriend to give her some money but unless she finds someone who’s willing to pay for her phone, insurance, etc, she’ll have to get a job.

I wouldn’t kick her out and I don’t think there will be a need to do that IF you stick to not enabling her behavior (i.e. stop paying for all her stuff and giving her spending money). Food? Sure. A room to sleep in? Sure. But nothing other than that. Not even money for clothing. She’ll have to fend for herself in terms of her social life and everything else. Do that right away. She’ll blow up at first but after a couple of weeks, it’ll settle down and she’ll settle in.

You tried to help, I get that. She’s not responding. Actually, she is responding – but poorly. She’s turning the help you are giving her into taking advantage rather than using it to lift herself.

Keep helping. But you need to change how you are helping. The new method will be more painful for both you and her. That’s unfortunate but if you want to help, it has to be done. Realize that if you keep doing what you’re doing, it’s not only not helping, it’s hurting her.

After that first painful phase, you’ll have (or should have) phase II. Charge her rent. You simply need to make it uncomfortable for her in order to push her to a level she is resisting getting too. Growing up is scary and she clearly needs help doing it. Help her.

Best of luck.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-24-2015, 07:51 AM
5,046 posts, read 597,010 times
Reputation: 13098
Originally Posted by Linda_d View Post
Exactly this. Children live up to expectations. If they're expected to graduate from HS, they will, even if they have developmental disabilities and have to get a modified diploma. If parents think graduating from HS is optional, then their kids aren't likely to get even that far. This used to be primarily a problem with lower socio-economic groups, but many middle class families now don't expect much from their kids, either -- and they're getting that.
I am sorry, but you are just so wrong to make such a blanket statement. Perhaps what you wrote is true for most kids, but definitely not all. There are many, many examples of children NOT living up to their expectations, but I will just ask if you read any biographies of the John Adams' (second U.S. president) family? Yes, one of his children even became U.S. president after him, and one of his grandchildren -- Charles Francis Adams -- became a very successful editor, diplomat and politician, also, but one of his sons and two of his grandsons ended up doing poorly in school (in their parents' eyes, anyway), became alcoholics, and died in ruin.

In the vast majority of cases, children do what they CHOOSE to do. Maybe people are not successful because of genetics and/or maybe it is a result of their environment (I have know plenty of rebels who chose dropping out of school and not trying to become a "success" as a result of their very strict parents and the expectations of those parents) -- or maybe it just boils down to character, but whatever the answer, children do not ALWAYS live up to expectations! (And, yes, it might certainly be debatable about whether people choose to become addicts, and perhaps, as I indicated, lack of drive and ambition might be due to genetics, also, but whether someone is successful or not still comes down to at least some choices, at least.)
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-24-2015, 07:58 AM
Location: Dallas TX
14,294 posts, read 20,539,012 times
Reputation: 20159
You need to give her limits. Tell her she has one month to find a job or you'll kick her out. Start charging her rent as soon as she finds a job. If you support her and give her everything she needs, she'll never learn to fend for herself. She needs to do this for herself, you can't do it for her.

Tell her "By the end of January you need to have a job". If she doesn't have a job, she is out.

If she gets a job, start charging her rent. If she doesn't pay, she is out.

Being a good parent means allowing them to fail.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-24-2015, 08:01 AM
1,789 posts, read 1,345,713 times
Reputation: 3655
Originally Posted by DonInKansas View Post
I am sure this is fairly common with young people today, but my daughter (mother sent her to me when she was 15) who is 22 thinks more menial jobs such as fast food is beneath her. She has had issues with authority and does not like doing what she doesn't want to do, even her mother got sick of it so she sent her to live with me at 15. We divorced when she was 10 and I still stayed in her life and did many things with her but by 15 my ex just couldn't handle her and sent her to me.

Anyway after many issues including her seeing a therapist she finally graduated HS at 19 and briefly went to CC but dropped out her first semester. From the outset it was bad I got her a cheap car which she complained about for "being a piece of junk" (it was a 2001 Nissan Sentra in good condition) and started partying and ignoring her studies and just dropped out. I told her she needs to find a job and she did apply at some retail places but that didn't pan out so I told her to apply at some fast food places but she just says she refuses to work fast food and doesn't want that kind of job.

I talked with her mother but she is married with two teens from it and she pretty much doesn't want anything to do with her.

What can I do, just threaten to kick her out? She'd be on the streets for sure. She has also gotten a few speeding tickets and instead of owning up to it she just goes on about how the police or stupid and just want their quotas.
I would absolutely make her get the job. Any job she could get. If she refuses then I would make her life miserable at home until she felt compelled to move out. And if she does move out then make sure she understands that she isn't coming back unless she has a job.

I wouldn't spend a single dime on her besides basic food. If the car is in your name then take the keys. Cut the internet off (password lock it). Parental lock all the TV channels. Cut her phone off if it is on your account, if not then dont pay it. Buy cheap boring meals and never order out. Keep thinking along these lines. You want to think of everything you can that a roommate would pay for and then try to cut her access off.

Her problem is that she has gotten all the above mentioned things for free for so long that she feel entitled to them. Cut them all off.

When she complains, just ask her "Do you have a job?" and when she says no, then just inform her that its her own fault because when she does get a job like an adult then she will get treated like an adult that contributes to the household.

If you can make her get a job and she can hold it down for a year then I would start having talks about her paying for her share of living expenses.

If you don't get out in front of this she will wreck her life.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-24-2015, 08:07 AM
Location: Arizona
1,599 posts, read 1,269,048 times
Reputation: 4860
I totally get not wanting to work in fast food. It's not for everyone, but that is not an excuse to not work at all. Neither is college and that's okay.

Do you have any idea what she wants to do long term? I think you should find out what she wants to do as a career then help her work towards that. Maybe if she realizes that the cashier job or whatever is short term, she'll be more willing to do it to get to her long term goal. Some jobs you can train for in 12-18 months. That's not very long. You might also take her apartment hunting too. Maybe if she sees a few places, the idea of living on her own might be enticing motivation to hold down a job.

I don't think you have to be so harsh as to kick her out (yet). To me she just seems lost, you gotta help her sort things out. If you do that and she still can't stay on track, then think about cutting her funds and/or kicking her out.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-24-2015, 08:26 AM
Location: North West Arkansas (zone 6b)
2,479 posts, read 1,706,852 times
Reputation: 3271
Ultimately, a parent's primary responsibility to their children is to ensure that they can live as responsible adults.

You need to explain to them that

a) they will not get all of your savings if/when you leave this world (because you're poor or because you're donating to charity)
b) they will need to find a way of supporting themselves sooner rather than later

give her 6 months to get her act together because you could be gone tomorrow.

think about setting up a trust
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.

Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top