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Old 12-25-2015, 09:29 AM
Location: Southwest Pa
1,440 posts, read 3,575,001 times
Reputation: 1681


Here's my thumbs up to those that say break her down by offering only the basics. I told my two sons that when they finished high school my obligation to provide anything more than the basics was done. They would always have a roof provided I had a roof to share, always a meal to eat, always something to wear, the basics.

No, I wasn't providing cars, phones, game systems, a roof for their girlfriends to live with them nor money for smokes. Guess what? Now the ex-wife and I have two fairly well adjusted young men in their mid-twenties. One is in the Navy and just signed for six more years, the other works in the deli of an upscale supermarket and makes almost as much as I do. That one still lives at home with his mother but he contributes and is a burden in no way.

Basics, that's it. Let the whining go on and on and on. Sooner or later it will stop.
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Old 12-25-2015, 10:00 AM
Location: North America
14,212 posts, read 9,623,527 times
Reputation: 5534
Originally Posted by MainLineMommy View Post
I agree with letting her live with you, since the alternatives are not favorable, but STOP GIVING HER MONEY. Turn off her cell phone. No gas money. Nothing. If she doesn't find a job, she sits at home. Oh, and I'd change the wi-fi password too. Don't make sitting at home too comfy either.

This is pretty much it.
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Old 12-25-2015, 10:13 AM
Location: Georgia
4,514 posts, read 3,779,689 times
Reputation: 15511
Originally Posted by DonInKansas View Post
I know it's hard for young people to find jobs today but it amazes me how so many feel they are above menial jobs. I know I am going to sound old but back in my day just sitting around not doing anything was unheard of, as well as feeling they "deserve" whatever job they want. I know it's not all young people but damn it sure seems today's youth are the laziest and most entitled.
Oh, come on -- it's not THAT hard to find a job. My daughter worked THREE jobs in college -- part-time nanny, waitress at a nice restaurant, and part time assistant at a real estate office. My son worked two jobs during college -- refereeing soccer games and as a lifeguard. The jobs are there, but they aren't just going to fall in her lap. After my son graduated, he did a couple of short internships and was able to parlay one into his current full-time job. My daughter has been building her private therapy practice since she graduated.

So anytime someone tells me "they can't find a job", to me, it just means that they aren't looking hard enough.

OP, your daughter is a bum. Sorry, but it's true. You can keep enabling her, or you can have a "come to Jesus" meeting on what your expectations are for your ADULT, grown-up daughter. She doesn't want to work fast food? Well, then, she needs to FIND SOMETHING ELSE. Sitting around getting speeding tickets and partying isn't an option any longer.
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Old 12-25-2015, 10:16 AM
Location: Des Moines Metro
4,983 posts, read 5,461,547 times
Reputation: 9217
So, basically this young woman is age 22 with no job skills and no motivation.

OP, neither you nor your wife got her ready for adulthood. What would become of her if you were killed in a fatal auto accident? Sorry, but she's not going to learn what she needs to do as long as she is in your household, without some major changes.

Her present options:

- get a job requiring no skills (fast food, retail)
- train for CNA or other patient care
- join the military (they probably won't take her!)

In the meantime, you need "coaching"/ specific and limited therapy so that you stop enabling her and allow her to grow up! It will be painful for both of you, but if you want what is best for her, it needs to happen.

You're not doing yourself or her any favors to allow this situation to continue.
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Old 12-25-2015, 11:04 AM
Location: IL/IN/FL/CA/KY/FL
1,124 posts, read 800,996 times
Reputation: 1265
I didn't want to work in "fast food" either growing up, but once I turned 16, I started delivering for Papa Johns and I loved it. It allowed me the freedom to listen to my own music and drive my own car.

There are a lot of entitled kids these days. Sometimes tough love is what you have to do in order to create the change they need. If that means giving her the boot, so be it. She's an adult and should be able to handle her own business at this point.
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Old 12-25-2015, 11:17 AM
12,479 posts, read 13,104,469 times
Reputation: 8900
temp jobs are great because she can try different things and is not stuck with any of them for any length of time
she can sign up with a temp agency and see where they send her
but it has to be her decision

she wants things
things cost money
that is the reality of life

"you are a smart girl and you have lots going for you, i trust in your skills and problem-solving, to find an excellent way to address this. I know you will work it out. Honey i love you and support you in your happiness whatever you choose."

the public library has internet.
no one gets a car period unless they can pay for gas and insurance and car payments. same for cell phone.

give her enough lead time (3 months, 6 months, whatever) and say "This is the date that you need to be moved out and living on your own" and remind her of it calmly and regularly, and stick to it. Yes, even if it means changing the locks when the time comes. Also would be good for you dad to start attending Al-Anon meetings regularly, you will hear practical helpful real life recommendations from people who have navigated exactly what you are facing. The greatest gift you can ever give your daughter is the dignity and respect to live her own life, make her own decisions, and gain the benefit of the natural consequences of her own actions and choices.

Last edited by Tzaphkiel; 12-25-2015 at 11:36 AM..
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Old 12-25-2015, 11:26 AM
Location: Portlandia "burbs"
10,236 posts, read 13,530,432 times
Reputation: 25856
Originally Posted by DonInKansas View Post

What can I do, just threaten to kick her out? She'd be on the streets for sure. She has also gotten a few speeding tickets and instead of owning up to it she just goes on about how the police or stupid and just want their quotas.

I cringed at this post because I've seen it all around me.

I have two friends with kids who don't want to work and never have, and they are both adults now still living off Mom.

One is a daughter who is well into her 30's now. Had one menial job but quit, does not drive, and all she does is just "stay home" and raise her child (whom I don't think gets any child support from the father). She is not difficult and helps take care of the house. This one might have done fine if she married a guy that could take care of her; however, that rarely happens anymore. I don't know what she'll do when Mom suddenly isn't around anymore, because I don't think her sister would take her in.

The other is a son also around 30, has never held a job, has been in jail and on drugs (and likely still is). The mother went on forced retirement and is financially strapped, and her son doesn't lift a finger to do a damn thing for her. This is the worst scenario of the two but, again, I don't know what he'll do when Mom suddenly isn't around anymore, and I KNOW his sister would not take him in.

Neither has a father around, but they would only do the same to him (and one did, before Dad died). Personally I don't think it's good to enable them because YOUR life is affected by all this, and it's time that you give her a flat choice: A job, or 'out'.

Good luck.
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Old 12-25-2015, 11:40 AM
4,230 posts, read 5,744,709 times
Reputation: 10032
Throw her out of the house that's how they learn that life is not fair.

I'm never amazed when I see people sacrificing their comfort and retirement saving to take car of adult children.
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Old 12-25-2015, 01:10 PM
Location: U.S.A., Earth
4,345 posts, read 2,614,903 times
Reputation: 3819
Look no further than your own backyard... There is a part of C-D that looks down and decries MW. These are often in response to talks of MW, and not being able to support yourself. It gets hypocritical when somebody's expected to take a MW job when they have the means to do a regular job.
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Old 12-25-2015, 01:41 PM
12,479 posts, read 13,104,469 times
Reputation: 8900
this is also good to say regularly and often to kids of every age
"there is dignity in all work"
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