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Old 01-06-2016, 02:22 PM
 
1,261 posts, read 813,358 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by G-fused View Post
I’m a father but I wouldn’t worry about it. They're just dreaming. Talking to your son as if this were a very serious and definitive thing and you are against it will only make it seem more real than it is.

Go ahead and talk about it but not in a very serious sort of way. I’d say things like, yeah right, and then what? How will you eat? Where will you live? And bunches of other things. But not in a barrage – no need to make him feel bad.

Main point is that although they see it as real, realistically, it’s not and they’ll get that.

Best of luck
"Then what?" is what popped into my mind as an appropriate question to ask them, should they announce a plan to marry. Because perhaps they haven't thought that far.

I understand the worry and think it is a great idea to have a plan in place, but don't think you should be the one to initiate the discussion.

The discussion you need to have with him is about birth control, if you have not already. Don't assume he knows anything ... about how it works, what works and how it is his responsibility.
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Old 01-06-2016, 02:50 PM
 
15,205 posts, read 16,075,371 times
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In addition to all the responses you've gotten so far, I'd add (whether it's true or not) that you love the GF and would love to have her for a DIL someday. Just not right now. Be very positive about it and both of them, but stay firm on the "just not right now."
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Old 01-06-2016, 03:29 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,227 posts, read 22,005,624 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
In addition to all the responses you've gotten so far, I'd add (whether it's true or not) that you love the GF and would love to have her for a DIL someday. Just not right now. Be very positive about it and both of them, but stay firm on the "just not right now."
Yes, I do like her. That's what I am thinking, not now!!

Thank you for all the excellent tips! I will be using these!
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Old 01-06-2016, 03:52 PM
 
3,185 posts, read 3,360,421 times
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You don't have to immediately adopt a confrontational stance or issue threats, as others are suggesting. You might instead want to persuade him to WAIT on his decision a while. He can live with his g/f for a while and see if things work out. There's no hurry to get married.

I don't know what his personality is like. All I know is that when I was his age, my dad was the type to adopt a confrontational stance when discussing my future and it only made me more defiant and more stubborn.
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Old 01-06-2016, 04:15 PM
 
Location: Birmingham, Alabama
2,056 posts, read 1,842,372 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
Once he turns 18 there is nothing you can do to stop it and just because you think he needs to grow up and go to college does not mean that is his plan for his life. If you forbid him to see her or even hint that you don't like her it will push him toward her even more, don't make a huge issue of anything and if it is a disaster, at 18 years old it is their disaster to clean up.
And not your disaster to pay for.

Seriously, I want to steer my 16 year old daughter as well as I can. Tell her of the stupid mistakes I made, and to avoid them. If she's a smart person and can listen to the voice of experience, she'll do well. If she stubbornly thinks what I say doesn't matter, and gumps it all up after age 18, good luck to her.
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Old 01-06-2016, 04:21 PM
 
1,017 posts, read 1,695,640 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by arctic_gardener View Post
You don't have to immediately adopt a confrontational stance or issue threats, as others are suggesting. You might instead want to persuade him to WAIT on his decision a while. He can live with his g/f for a while and see if things work out. There's no hurry to get married.

I don't know what his personality is like. All I know is that when I was his age, my dad was the type to adopt a confrontational stance when discussing my future and it only made me more defiant and more stubborn.
Same consequences, though. If you're old enough to play house, you're old enough to pay for it. No financial support from the parents.
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Old 01-06-2016, 04:33 PM
 
4,244 posts, read 3,038,028 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
One set of parents that I know told their daughter and boyfriend "If you want to get married, that means that you are ready to be a full fledged adults. And, since you are adults we will not pay for your wedding, your education or any of your expenses, just like our parents did when we were married. Once you are married you will need to move out and we will not continue paying for your car, your car insurance, your phone, your clothes or any other things."


In addition, the parents helped their daughter & BF make a budget, showing how much money that they needed to earn to pay for an apartment, pay utilities, a car, phones, food, etc. They actually looked at apartments together (the crappy ones in bad neighborhood that people earning minimum wage could afford). The kids were shocked. Their estimate of the amount of money that they needed was about 20-25% of what they really needed to be on their own.


Note, that the parents did not forbid them to get married but just told them that they were not going to support them (even a little) after they were married plus helped them to understand how much it was really going to cost.
^^^^ This is the way to approach it.

There's no need to get upset or forbid anything. Just calmly show them what they can expect after they get married. Once they realize that they will have no one to depend on financially, they will quickly change their tune.
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Old 01-06-2016, 05:21 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
10,868 posts, read 18,944,912 times
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I got married when I was 18. My mother threw fits about it and threatened to lock me up to prevent the wedding. Since she had already kicked me out of the house (she said later that I wasn't supposed to really move out, just do what she said and realize she could kick me out at any time if I didn't) and my husband had been living on his own for three years, the threat of having to become financially self-sufficient was meaningless to us. When I lived in her house, she wouldn't pay for my books or even my bus pass for college, or even clothes or shoes. I didn't want her to pay for a big wedding...a big wedding is to please the parents and to put on a show for their community. I spent $200 on my wedding including our clothes and the meal for our guests afterwards, and it was fine.

A parent's goals for their child aren't always the same as the child's goals. My mom wanted me to go to college, get a job she could brag about, stay single and live in her house to cook and clean and take care of my younger sisters and contribute financially to the household, and take care of both my parents in their old age. And no, we're not from a culture where that would be expected of one of the children, it's just what my mom wanted me to do.

Anyhow, it's worked out well for me. At this point I've been married more than half my life. Sometimes we haven't been that well off financially, but we're happier together than either of us ever were in our parents' houses.

I'm not saying your son is in the same sort of situation I was in, just that things always look different from the parent's point of view...according to my mom, she gave me everything in life and I threw it all away to marry a janitor. To me, I met the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, richer or poorer, better or worse, all that stuff, and that's what I've done.
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Old 01-06-2016, 05:22 PM
 
25,876 posts, read 49,802,708 times
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Do parents really pay for car, college, etc. for 18 year olds?

I started paying room and board at age 12 from my after school and summer job.

Paid my own Blue Cross at 18 and my car and car insurance... also graduated with my engineering degree...

A lot of my friends joined the military and at 18 were fully supporting themselves.

My brother permanently moved out of the house the day after High School graduation and put himself though UC Berkeley...

Nobody put us out... it's just we were 18 and adults... just like it was for my parents... and grandparents...
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Old 01-06-2016, 05:51 PM
 
1,039 posts, read 608,295 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yankeegirl313 View Post
I have received some good feedback in the past, so here goes...
Son has been seeing this girl for almost a year now. His first girlfriend, so naturally he is "in love."
At first it was all cute that he got himself a girl, but now I am over hearing them talk about getting married when she turns 18! She is 17 now. He just turned 17.

I am sitting him down and having a talk with him about this. From one Mom to another, I need some advice on how to word this. I mean, in a teenagers mind, they don't see anything wrong, but we all know this could be a disaster!

He has a lot of growing up to do, college, etc. This is insane! If I word it wrong, afraid I will make things worse.


woah


hun I hate to say it but you didn't bring the boy up right


my kids would no sooner talk marriage at 17 than they would fly to the moon or voluntarily do a load of laundry


its a bit late for Sensible Talk now! But I suppose you've got to try


I once read Tom Sellecks dad promised him a car (gold watch?) if he didn't smoke, swear or drink by age 21 and he got the car


Maybe subtle blackmail would work best? Telling him he'll have to move out get a job will be a good start - telling him straight out "if you get this girl pregnant you will be ruining your life and I will Not Be There Financially Once You Decide Youre a Man"


I had 3 engagements all up, one at 17


just because I wore his ring, didn't mean I intended to marry him


IYKWIM
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