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Old 01-06-2016, 05:55 PM
35,121 posts, read 38,008,312 times
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Originally Posted by Bonnie Jean McGee View Post

hun I hate to say it but you didn't bring the boy up right

my kids would no sooner talk marriage at 17 than they would fly to the moon or voluntarily do a load of laundry

its a bit late for Sensible Talk now! But I suppose you've got to try

I once read Tom Sellecks dad promised him a car (gold watch?) if he didn't smoke, swear or drink by age 21 and he got the car

Maybe subtle blackmail would work best? Telling him he'll have to move out get a job will be a good start - telling him straight out "if you get this girl pregnant you will be ruining your life and I will Not Be There Financially Once You Decide Youre a Man"

I had 3 engagements all up, one at 17

just because I wore his ring, didn't mean I intended to marry him

So you raised your children *right* but they won't do laundry on their own..........alrighty then, whatever you believe.
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Old 01-06-2016, 06:00 PM
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Originally Posted by yankeegirl313 View Post
I have received some good feedback in the past, so here goes...
Son has been seeing this girl for almost a year now. His first girlfriend, so naturally he is "in love."
At first it was all cute that he got himself a girl, but now I am over hearing them talk about getting married when she turns 18! She is 17 now. He just turned 17.

I am sitting him down and having a talk with him about this. From one Mom to another, I need some advice on how to word this. I mean, in a teenagers mind, they don't see anything wrong, but we all know this could be a disaster!

He has a lot of growing up to do, college, etc. This is insane! If I word it wrong, afraid I will make things worse.
Leave it alone. They are in love. All kids who fall in love in HS talk about getting married, but almost none actually do it. Love doesn't last that long at that age, especially after they go away to college. Also, since he didn't tell you and you were eavesdropping, it would be better if you just kept quiet. By the time they get to that age, a million things will have happened and they will probably decide on their own to at least wait until after college (which means it will never happen).

If you say something you will only upset them and make them miserable, and very possibly drive him to actually do it out of anger and fear that somehow you will try to stop him. This is actually why my parents got married, and why they didn't say a word when I insisted at 17 that I was going to marry my HS boyfriend as soon as we graduated. They were smart. Be smart.
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Old 01-06-2016, 07:05 PM
1,039 posts, read 610,390 times
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Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
So you raised your children *right* but they won't do laundry on their own..........alrighty then, whatever you believe.
*tsk* how dare I do my Childs Laundry for them
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Old 01-06-2016, 07:34 PM
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There will be as many answers as there are parents with kids...

What is right for one will not be for another.

I was always very responsible and so was the next youngest...

Now the youngest was very different... great in sports.

When parents told him he had to contribute he said Mom/Dad... you have to take care of me to age 18... it's the law.

It was also funny because when he was asked to extra chores... he would say he needed to rest up for the game... AND got away with it!

He did also move out on his own shortly after starting University... his friends had rented a place and a roommate dropped out and they were desperate... said he could have the master bedroom and private bath and they would just split rent 3 ways... I think his girlfriend liked it too... they talked about getting married and that all faded just as he was graduating...
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Old 01-06-2016, 07:52 PM
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I met "the one" when I was 18. Knew right away this was the man I wanted to marry. My parents said they like the guy, but if I wait until I graduate college, they will pay for college and a nice (not fancy, but nice) wedding.

I said okay. Graduated college in 3.5 years, got a good job lined up, married the guy who waited for me of course, as real men do. We now live happily ever after. We both went on to get masters degrees at night and then got even better jobs and had two awesome kids.

Try the carrot first before resorting to the stick. Just sayin
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Old 01-06-2016, 08:44 PM
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I've seen this with quite a few of our new grad Registered Nurses...

They put off getting married until they finish nursing school AND have at least a year on the job... almost always it is a boyfriend they met in High School or College...

No divorces yet...
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Old 01-06-2016, 09:32 PM
Location: Tijuana Exurbs
3,867 posts, read 10,122,944 times
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Originally Posted by G-fused View Post
I’m a father but I wouldn’t worry about it. They're just dreaming. Talking to your son as if this were a very serious and definitive thing and you are against it will only make it seem more real than it is.

Go ahead and talk about it but not in a very serious sort of way. I’d say things like, yeah right, and then what? How will you eat? Where will you live? And bunches of other things. But not in a barrage – no need to make him feel bad.

Main point is that although they see it as real, realistically, it’s not and they’ll get that.

Best of luck
This is the best INITIAL stance to take, in a "boy that sure would be fun for me to watch as your parent," sort of way.
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Old 01-06-2016, 09:50 PM
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My wife was 18 when I married her. We had children right away. She became extremely ill at 22 and would never be able to have children after that very young age, and wound up dying very young. Obviously if things didn't happen as early as they did, the kids never would have been born.

If I were you, (and I face similar issues with my own children), I wouldn't take a strong, insistent stand. Make your points, and guide as best you can, but in the end trying to control a strong willed 18 year old is more challenging than herding cats, and you may wind up the 'odd man out',and maybe for good reason.
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Old 01-07-2016, 04:22 AM
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First I would talk to the gf parents and find out how much they know and their position on it and make your position known to them. Possibly you both can make a concerted effort to push the same message to the two love birds.

I got married very young against my parents wishes. They refused to do anything at all to help other than show up to the wedding and they bought a small cheap gift as a wedding present. It turned out to be a huge mistake for me and for my parents in the way they handled it. Luckily we didn't have kids. I am still not happy about the way my parents handled it. It gets brought up occasionally and its never a good conversation. I wound up moving a long ways away for a long time because of it, well that was partly the reason.

I have thought a lot about how I will handle it if my kids place me in the same situation. I would support them verbally. I would point out costs of being married and on your own (the budget idea is a great one). I would remind them that since they obviously love each other so much that there is no reason to rush into this, they should take the time to save up the money and do it right. You only get one chance at the perfect wedding.

I would pull him off to the side and ask him how much he really loves her. If he really loves her that much why cant they wait? Explain how it will hurt her chances of graduating college and getting a career. How it will hurt his chances of graduating college if he has to worry about providing for a family instead of just himself. How low chance of staying together they have compared to waiting until they are early to mid 20's, give the examples you know of people you graduated with who got married and didn't make it.

Delay, Delay Delay and pray that nature takes its course and they figure out that its just puppy love.
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Old 01-07-2016, 04:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
18 and they are adults and allowed to make adult decisions/big mistakes. Of course, that also means they need to live adult lives and be responsible for all their own bills and other adult life choices/big mistakes.
"pay for" premarital counseling to start them off on the right foot. Be sure you set it up with a good counselor before hand.

So I'm picturing my son doing that and I can't get that old leather belt out of my mind but 17's a little old but not out of the question!

I agree with "the money faucet is officially turned off".
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