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Old 01-06-2016, 09:35 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,227 posts, read 21,981,509 times
Reputation: 23996

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I have received some good feedback in the past, so here goes...
Son has been seeing this girl for almost a year now. His first girlfriend, so naturally he is "in love."
At first it was all cute that he got himself a girl, but now I am over hearing them talk about getting married when she turns 18! She is 17 now. He just turned 17.

I am sitting him down and having a talk with him about this. From one Mom to another, I need some advice on how to word this. I mean, in a teenagers mind, they don't see anything wrong, but we all know this could be a disaster!

He has a lot of growing up to do, college, etc. This is insane! If I word it wrong, afraid I will make things worse.
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Old 01-06-2016, 09:38 AM
 
245 posts, read 146,447 times
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Yea, I would tell him that would be a potentially terrible idea. He needs to mature some and finish college. Get some real world life experiences under his belt.

If he still insisted, I would tell him I would not support him any more financially if he did that. College tuition, cars, etc.

This is serious, and you need to do what ever you can to protect your son.
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Old 01-06-2016, 09:42 AM
 
35,121 posts, read 37,802,296 times
Reputation: 61840
Quote:
Originally Posted by yankeegirl313 View Post
I have received some good feedback in the past, so here goes...
Son has been seeing this girl for almost a year now. His first girlfriend, so naturally he is "in love."
At first it was all cute that he got himself a girl, but now I am over hearing them talk about getting married when she turns 18! She is 17 now. He just turned 17.

I am sitting him down and having a talk with him about this. From one Mom to another, I need some advice on how to word this. I mean, in a teenagers mind, they don't see anything wrong, but we all know this could be a disaster!

He has a lot of growing up to do, college, etc. This is insane! If I word it wrong, afraid I will make things worse.
Once he turns 18 there is nothing you can do to stop it and just because you think he needs to grow up and go to college does not mean that is his plan for his life. If you forbid him to see her or even hint that you don't like her it will push him toward her even more, don't make a huge issue of anything and if it is a disaster, at 18 years old it is their disaster to clean up.
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Old 01-06-2016, 09:47 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,471 posts, read 15,913,707 times
Reputation: 38735
One set of parents that I know told their daughter and boyfriend "If you want to get married, that means that you are ready to be a full fledged adults. And, since you are adults we will not pay for your wedding, your education or any of your expenses, just like our parents did when we were married. Once you are married you will need to move out and we will not continue paying for your car, your car insurance, your phone, your clothes or any other things."


In addition, the parents helped their daughter & BF make a budget, showing how much money that they needed to earn to pay for an apartment, pay utilities, a car, phones, food, etc. They actually looked at apartments together (the crappy ones in bad neighborhood that people earning minimum wage could afford). The kids were shocked. Their estimate of the amount of money that they needed was about 20-25% of what they really needed to be on their own.


Note, that the parents did not forbid them to get married but just told them that they were not going to support them (even a little) after they were married plus helped them to understand how much it was really going to cost.

My friends suspected that their daughter & BF thought that after they were married everything would stay the same. They would live rent free with one of the sets of parents and things like car payments, car insurance, phones, utilities, etc. etc. would continue to be paid for by their parents. The daughter "assumed" that her parents would still pay all of her college expenses, too. My friends set them straight.


OP, do you know what your son & GF think will happen after they get married? Perhaps, it is the same. BTW, talk to the GF's parents to make sure that all four of you are in agreement.


Once the daughter & BF realized that there was no way that they could ever survive on two part time jobs making minimum wage they decided not to get married. BTW, they broke up a few months later when the daughter started college (paid for by her parents) out of town. The daughter ended up getting a master's degree, a good professional job plus a husband and kids. When she was older she frequently thanked her parents for "opening her eyes".

Last edited by germaine2626; 01-06-2016 at 10:27 AM..
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Old 01-06-2016, 09:50 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,227 posts, read 21,981,509 times
Reputation: 23996
I guess this is where the gray hairs come in, right?

This is a tough age. I remember!

This is true, that when he turns 18, but..nnoooooo.
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Old 01-06-2016, 10:32 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,471 posts, read 15,913,707 times
Reputation: 38735
Quote:
Originally Posted by yankeegirl313 View Post
I guess this is where the gray hairs come in, right?

This is a tough age. I remember!

This is true, that when he turns 18, but..nnoooooo.

BTW, my high school sweetheart proposed to me when we were seniors, but I said "No". We broke up, dated other people and stayed good friends. Eight years later we were married and have been married for almost 40 years. If it is really love, they can wait a year or two years or five years or eight years and the true love will still be there.


Post back what happens.
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Old 01-06-2016, 10:53 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,227 posts, read 21,981,509 times
Reputation: 23996
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
BTW, my high school sweetheart proposed to me when we were seniors, but I said "No". We broke up, dated other people and stayed good friends. Eight years later we were married and have been married for almost 40 years. If it is really love, they can wait a year or two years or five years or eight years and the true love will still be there.


Post back what happens.
This would be the perfect ending! Thanks for sharing!
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Old 01-06-2016, 12:16 PM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,275,204 times
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18 and they are adults and allowed to make adult decisions. Of course, that also means they need to live adult lives and be responsible for all their own bills and other adult life choices.
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Old 01-06-2016, 12:54 PM
 
2,359 posts, read 3,028,189 times
Reputation: 4591
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
One set of parents that I know told their daughter and boyfriend "If you want to get married, that means that you are ready to be a full fledged adults. And, since you are adults we will not pay for your wedding, your education or any of your expenses, just like our parents did when we were married. Once you are married you will need to move out and we will not continue paying for your car, your car insurance, your phone, your clothes or any other things."


In addition, the parents helped their daughter & BF make a budget, showing how much money that they needed to earn to pay for an apartment, pay utilities, a car, phones, food, etc. They actually looked at apartments together (the crappy ones in bad neighborhood that people earning minimum wage could afford). The kids were shocked. Their estimate of the amount of money that they needed was about 20-25% of what they really needed to be on their own.


Note, that the parents did not forbid them to get married but just told them that they were not going to support them (even a little) after they were married plus helped them to understand how much it was really going to cost.

My friends suspected that their daughter & BF thought that after they were married everything would stay the same. They would live rent free with one of the sets of parents and things like car payments, car insurance, phones, utilities, etc. etc. would continue to be paid for by their parents. The daughter "assumed" that her parents would still pay all of her college expenses, too. My friends set them straight.


OP, do you know what your son & GF think will happen after they get married? Perhaps, it is the same. BTW, talk to the GF's parents to make sure that all four of you are in agreement.


Once the daughter & BF realized that there was no way that they could ever survive on two part time jobs making minimum wage they decided not to get married. BTW, they broke up a few months later when the daughter started college (paid for by her parents) out of town. The daughter ended up getting a master's degree, a good professional job plus a husband and kids. When she was older she frequently thanked her parents for "opening her eyes".
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
BTW, my high school sweetheart proposed to me when we were seniors, but I said "No". We broke up, dated other people and stayed good friends. Eight years later we were married and have been married for almost 40 years. If it is really love, they can wait a year or two years or five years or eight years and the true love will still be there.


Post back what happens.

These two posts contain every bit of advice you need. They are great posts.^^

They need to understand that when you get married, you are adults that get your own place and pay your own way. You "leave the nest."

I have a son who had a girlfriend that was pressuring him to get married. I told him that if she was the one, she would still be the one in a few years when the time was right and they were financially capable of supporting themselves. He actually listened to me on that one. They ended up splitting up the next year and he has thanked me several times for the advice.
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Old 01-06-2016, 12:55 PM
 
5,016 posts, read 4,828,482 times
Reputation: 11667
I’m a father but I wouldn’t worry about it. They're just dreaming. Talking to your son as if this were a very serious and definitive thing and you are against it will only make it seem more real than it is.

Go ahead and talk about it but not in a very serious sort of way. I’d say things like, yeah right, and then what? How will you eat? Where will you live? And bunches of other things. But not in a barrage – no need to make him feel bad.

Main point is that although they see it as real, realistically, it’s not and they’ll get that.

Best of luck
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