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Old 01-09-2016, 10:34 PM
Location: Pahoa Hawaii
2,082 posts, read 4,547,416 times
Reputation: 2757


Well, at least he's not an axe murderer or something. My father was around while we grew up, but never wanted the three of us, and never let us forget it. We'll never forget him either.
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Old 01-10-2016, 06:18 AM
881 posts, read 461,496 times
Reputation: 2981
Somewhere along the way real family and community got thrown to the wayside in the USA. We got corrupt, greedy, anxious, always looking for greener pastures, and running away from our problems.
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Old 01-10-2016, 07:24 AM
10,391 posts, read 7,472,821 times
Reputation: 18309
I wouldn't bad mouth nor build up his father. Let any positive be a surprise rather than being disappointed by anticipated visits that don't happen. Let him be the judge of his own dad. Just see that you fill his home life with joy.

Here's what I would do: Document everything. Here's why: I raised two boys - 7yrs apart in age, 2 different dads, both deadbeats. I never badmouthed, always tried to say "your dad has some issues he needs to work on. He loves you...etc" Which was fine but when they grew to adulthood, the youngest, 22, is just now acknowledging the negative situation I was in with his dad. The oldest has been told lies by his dad and blames me for a lot of stuff. I really wish I had documented every little thing as historical proof of the crap I went through. I feel no need to dredge it up, nor argue about it with my son. He can believe what he wants. It's just a little painful considering what I went through raising them by myself. My fault, I know. But at least I stopped there and didn't even date until after they were grown.

Best wishes. You sound like a great mom. And the courage was accepting the responsibility and figuring out how to make things work. Bravo!
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Old 01-10-2016, 04:41 PM
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
3,785 posts, read 8,762,556 times
Reputation: 7334
Originally Posted by karen_in_nh_2012 View Post
"Just be honest" and "his dad loves him very, very much" are not necessarily compatible. Sorry, but a "father" (really just a sperm donor) who chooses not to be an integral part of his offspring's life does NOT "love him very, very much."

Not what a kid wants to hear (or needs to hear until he or she is MUCH older, and in kinder words), or a mother wants to believe, but unfortunately, too often true.

I know your words are meant to be well-meaning, but kids are smarter than we often give them credit for, and lying to them about how much some absent "parent" "loves them" when it is pretty patently not true (expensive gifts are no substitute for TIME SPENT with the child) is a disservice to the kids. It's a harsh reality.
Hmmm, I stand by my post. This father is more than a sperm donor, based on OP post. He's working to support his child. For lots of men, financial support is a way to show love.

There are many ways to be an integral part of a child's life even though you can't see him as often as you'd like.

I know many men who work long hours, travel extensively for work, heck are in the military on tours for months at a time. They are still awesome dads.

TBH, this sounds more like a problem for mom than son.
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Old 01-11-2016, 11:28 AM
6,805 posts, read 3,276,519 times
Reputation: 8481
Be the best parent you can be. That doesn't mean you should be trying to make up for what his father is lacking. It just means that you can provide an environment of stability, structure, and love.

In addition to this, see if you can find some decent adult male role models for your son to interact with (coaches, teachers, counselors, family members, etc).
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Old 01-11-2016, 11:34 AM
Location: Texas
42,203 posts, read 49,753,916 times
Reputation: 66975
I can't imagine not doing everything to be able to spend time with my son, including taking a pay cut and foregoing having stuff if it meant working less and spending more time with him.

So your ex's priorities baffle me.

But that's the guy you chose to have a kid with. Yes, YOU. You chose. You had all the power and that's what you chose.

So make the best of it.
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Old 01-11-2016, 05:31 PM
7,903 posts, read 3,726,695 times
Reputation: 10388
Originally Posted by LadySpt View Post
My son is 3 years old. My relationship with his father didn't end well, since I was in love with him and thought we were exclusive...he didn't think the same way and kept seeing a lot of other women while we were together.

Regardless of that, I got pregnant but didn't have the courage to have an abortion. I can't even think of it now when I look at that precious little boy.

His father assumed paternity after a DNA test, never failed to pay CS and showers him with expensive gifts, perhaps to compensate for his absence.

He works in finance and has a very fast paced life. Sometimes he promises to pick my son up and then cames up with some excuse at the last time. It's painful to see the disappointment in my son's face since you can tell he really loves his dad despite everything.

When he does show up to get him, my son runs up to his dad for a hug and won't let go...his father seems to be affectionate with him, at least in front of me. I'm sure he treats him well when he goes to spend the weekend but my problem is the lack of stability.

I never badmouth his father in front of him, what happened between us has nothing to do with an innocent child...I'm just afraid that when he grows up a little bit more, he realises his dad usually has other priorities in his life.

Having nothing to do with your relationship with his Dad, you might find that he will take this attitude instead;


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