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Old 01-09-2016, 11:44 AM
 
3 posts, read 2,325 times
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My son is 3 years old. My relationship with his father didn't end well, since I was in love with him and thought we were exclusive...he didn't think the same way and kept seeing a lot of other women while we were together.

Regardless of that, I got pregnant but didn't have the courage to have an abortion. I can't even think of it now when I look at that precious little boy.

His father assumed paternity after a DNA test, never failed to pay CS and showers him with expensive gifts, perhaps to compensate for his absence.

He works in finance and has a very fast paced life. Sometimes he promises to pick my son up and then cames up with some excuse at the last time. It's painful to see the disappointment in my son's face since you can tell he really loves his dad despite everything.

When he does show up to get him, my son runs up to his dad for a hug and won't let go...his father seems to be affectionate with him, at least in front of me. I'm sure he treats him well when he goes to spend the weekend but my problem is the lack of stability.

I never badmouth his father in front of him, what happened between us has nothing to do with an innocent child...I'm just afraid that when he grows up a little bit more, he realises his dad usually has other priorities in his life.
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Old 01-09-2016, 11:53 AM
 
Location: southwestern PA
20,426 posts, read 35,707,564 times
Reputation: 38829
Yes, he will grow up and face disappointment.
Nothing you can do about that.
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Old 01-09-2016, 12:13 PM
 
3 posts, read 2,325 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pitt Chick View Post
Yes, he will grow up and face disappointment.
Nothing you can do about that.
I find that very upsetting, especially because you can really see how much he loves his dad. The guy probably no idea how important he is for his son.
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Old 01-09-2016, 12:19 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,028 posts, read 37,675,762 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LadySpt View Post
The guy probably no idea how important he is for his son.
Probably not, but he doesn't exactly have a history of making good decisions.
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Old 01-09-2016, 12:26 PM
 
Location: Dallas TX
14,294 posts, read 20,544,645 times
Reputation: 20159
Just keep doing what you're doing. Your son will know he has his mom!
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Old 01-09-2016, 12:31 PM
 
3 posts, read 2,325 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
Probably not, but he doesn't exactly have a history of making good decisions.
What happened between us should have nothing to do with how he acts towards his son.
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Old 01-09-2016, 12:39 PM
 
Location: Maryland
912 posts, read 592,245 times
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My son will be 2yo next month, and I could say almost the exact same things about my ex, word for word, in addition to a few other things. One thing my marriage counselor said to me that I will always take with me is that I can't control how others treat my son (his father included), but I can be there to help him work through his feelings.

Nothing you can do will make your ex a better father. But luckily it only takes one strong parent to raise a resilient and stable child. Have talks with your son and help him work through whatever feelings he's having as he ages. Make sure your son knows that his father's actions are a reflection of himself, and not of your son.

Once I learned I had the power to help my son with the feelings that will eventually come with being the child of his father, I felt more empowered as a mother. Family counseling for you and your son could help him at some point, too.

You might feel like your son is going to feel rejected and like he's not good enough or his father would be more involved and reliable. I had those feelings about my mother, but now as an adult (and even as early as a pre-teen) I see that her issues were about her, and not about me. Your son will too, as long as he has you there to teach him that. You sound like a loving mother so he's already way ahead of the game (some children have none).
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Old 01-09-2016, 01:25 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,028 posts, read 37,675,762 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LadySpt View Post
What happened between us should have nothing to do with how he acts towards his son.
What "should be" is often very different from reality.

Their relationship is not ideal, and you probably knew that when you made the decision to have your son. You have no control over how the father fulfills his role, and the sooner you accept that, the easier this process of raising a child will be for you.

Believe me, you will have a million other things to worry about for your son. Take this off the list.
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Old 01-09-2016, 01:31 PM
 
12,913 posts, read 19,787,452 times
Reputation: 33915
He doesn't sound like a deadbeat so far, I don't understand the concern. He pays support, he buys gifts, and he sees his son.
It's entirely possible he'll want more contact when your son is older and they can do more things together.

Don't worry about what hasn't happened.
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Old 01-09-2016, 01:56 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
10,860 posts, read 18,883,731 times
Reputation: 25110
Sometimes they get more interested in their kids once the kid is old enough to do things like sit through a movie or go to a ball game.

My husband's father was never interested in him. He paid child support and picked up his son for the weekends when he had custody, but he'd drive him straight to Grandma's house and leave them there until Monday morning when it was time to drop him off at school. My husband grew up feeling like he wasn't good enough for his dad. As an adult, he's realized it was the other way around...his dad was the one who was inadequate, not him. It hasn't affected my husband's ability to have a good relationship with his own children.
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