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I don't want to seem naive, but at their ages I had platonic friendships with boys that were totally innocent. It sounds like OP has an open relationship with her daughter, so I'm not sure what else she can do.
At their ages, I and all my peers were having sexual intercourse on a regular basis. My boys didn't have intercourse until they were both 18 (just after their 18th birthday). My foster daughter didn't have intercourse (or more then kissing) until she was 18.5. I feel like they made it much later then the majority of their peers....at least from what I could gather.
Me and most of my friends, sibling, etc lost our virginities from 13-15.
My daughter is 13, so we're not quite at that point yet. But my gynecologist has already said she'd be happy to prescribe the pill for my daughter without a pelvic exam, so I figure we'll do that pretty soon.
The IUD insertion is pretty painful...I've had lots of uterine biopsies where they put in a straw and scrape, so I wasn't anticipating the pain of the IUD insertion being any worse than that. It was worse. I also bled every day for several months after I had it put in...the low dose of hormones was enough to mess with my body. I wouldn't really suggest an IUD for a teenager unless there were reasons that the pill wouldn't be a good choice for her.
My daughter, 17 and a junior in high school, is in her first romantic relationship. They started going out in November. She's very private about it. We've met him a couple of times and he's very shy, but he seems to treat her well and be a nice enough guy. He's 15.
I have always talked very openly about sex and birth control with her. It hasn't been a matter of one talk about the birds and bees without ever mentioning it again, but an ongoing conversation. Since she started seeing this boy I've talked to her several times about sex, the gist of which has been:
(1) I advise you not to have sex yet because I think you're too young.
(2) If you do have sex, use birth control.
(3) I will help you obtain BC if you need it, no questions asked.
(4) If you end up having sex without BC, tell me right away so we can get you the Plan B "morning after" pill.
Her response is always "I'm not going to have sex! You're being so annoying!" Or something along those lines.
She's a good kid--good grades, responsible, smart, practical, not rebellious. That I know of she and her peers aren't drinking or using drugs. I may be naive, but I have not seen any signs of it at all.
She has a car so she has a lot of freedom. She and the boyfriend sometimes "drive around" after school. I'm sure the "driving around" involves parking somewhere and making out. We've told her that she can't go to his house if his parents aren't there, but I don't really have a way to monitor that. I haven't met his parents.
My question is: Should I just insist she go on BC? Make her an appointment with the OB/GYN and tell her she has to pick a method? Or insist on the implant or one of the long-term injections? What did you do with your teenagers at this age?
Thanks for any advice you can give.
We have always been open about sex, and the need for responsibility. I told both of my children to let us know if they were entering into an intimate relationship.
In the case of my daughter, last Spring, right before she turned 18, she told me that I was entering into a sexual relationship with her boyfriend of 2 years. I asked no questions, as I promised I would not.
Last week she told me that her renewals for the birth control pill were up, and she needed to obtain a refill. So, today we did that.
She returns to college tomorrow. She is an excellent student.
That's how we did it. No drama. No unplanned pregnancies.
This should have already been covered, but of course you should insist on birth control. What are the alternative?
The IUD insertion is pretty painful...I've had lots of uterine biopsies where they put in a straw and scrape, so I wasn't anticipating the pain of the IUD insertion being any worse than that. It was worse. I also bled every day for several months after I had it put in...the low dose of hormones was enough to mess with my body. I wouldn't really suggest an IUD for a teenager unless there were reasons that the pill wouldn't be a good choice for her.
Did you have fibroids? I had my fibroids removed a few months before and then had an IUD (I had also had several "awake" uterine procedures, some with pain), I had a little pressure, no pain and no bleeding at all. My doctor did tell me if I didn't have the fibroids removed first, I could have a lot of bleeding and pain. My mom had an IUD 30+ years ago. She told me it was super easy. But she did lose the string after only a couple months and had to go have it removed, which was a bit harder. But she didn't seem to make a big deal out of it.
This should have already been covered, but of course you should insist on birth control. What are the alternative?
Babies? STDs?
Her daughter hasn't said she's sexually active yet. The girl may choose not to become sexually active for many more years (mine was in her early twenties!) Being prepared is one thing, actually insisting she use birth control she may not need at this point is entirely another.
I also don't want to be alarmist but my daughter did develop blood clots within a year of starting BC pills, so perhaps another reason to be cautious about that type of thing at a young age.
I will chime in here on the porn issue. I may be green, but I was shocked to find out the kinds of porn some teens I know had seen and what their thoughts were on the matter. I overheard a conversation one day. Needless to say, these kids really think sex is like what they've seen in porn and that, for ex., girls want a*al sex all the time. I guess that is something parents will have to add to the "sex talk" (although to be clear, I don't agree with one sex talk - talking steadily and normally about it through the middle school and teen years is best)
I read an article about this recently. Our poor kids!
Depending on the area and the upbringing it seems to me at least here kids aren't interested in doing things previous generations did.
My 14 year old son doesn't want to drive. Doesn't want a girlfriend. Sex is a meh idea.
I had the sex talk and he was pretty scared of the thought. He was telling me about the stuff he and his friends were looking up on pornhub and xhamster and he said he didn't look like those guys so he would be afraid to be with a girl because chances are she's seen that stuff too and would think hes small or that he couldn't control it like the men in the videos do. I was like "Well, those guys are not...." then I thought wait..... why would I encourage him to go for it? He will figure it out on his own. My son and I were talking about porn, and he admitted getting into it at age 12 ish. He actually looked it up at recess using a friends 4G on his phone. Man... that's terrible because I remember when we used to peddle porn like drugs, it was something special. Joey the troublemakers dirty uncle Franky always had old playboys and hustlers laying around and then he would steal them and sell them at school. Or we would work tirelessly to unlock the special pay per view channels. Every now and then mom and dad would go out of town and HBO would have some soft core. Now it's just want to see some hardcore videos? click. done.
It helps the situation that his uncle (wife's brother) is a single dad working two jobs. And his aunt (wife's sister) is a single mom living of his uncles babysitting wages and living in a trailer on the outskirts of town.
I think 16 and pregnant and teen mom showed young girls and most importantly young boys how bad life can be with a baby at that age. I think it's made girls think about it more as they are the ultimate gate keepers. Time after time these boys say "I love you baby." then split the second they found out she was pregnant.
It's possible OP that your daughter is telling the truth and her boyfriend is like my son in that he understands the consequences. The most telling thing from the conversation from my son is that they "can do other things." That don't involve sex. "Like?"..... "Ugh... we can use our hands and our mouth....for stuff... look this is crazy... just trust me..good talk dad."
I have 11 and 12 year old girls. Not looking forward to this.
My wife and I have had this discussion about the girls... but we think BC is a few years down the road if ever.
I think kids are getting smarter about sex in general....or they are just lazy, either way. "Between 1991 and 2014, the teen birth rate declined by an impressive 61% nationwide."
I'd advise looking into an IUD - it's "one and done" for 5 years - no need to worry about taking pills - it's also a very, very low hormone dose so really no issues that way.
Of course, you can't force her to do something like that - but if she doesn't want to take the pill she won't do that either! The thing about an IUD is she only needs to decide ONCE - with the pill she essentially has to decide she wants to do it every day, and even if she's all for it she can still forget.
The IUD can be removed at any time by her doctor - that's something else you should both be aware of.
If she does choose an IUD her best bet would likely be planned parenthood. Many doctors are still reluctant to give young women IUDs based on the old ones from the 70s despite new research showing minimal complications.
I'd advise looking into an IUD - it's "one and done" for 5 years - no need to worry about taking pills - it's also a very, very low hormone dose so really no issues that way.
Of course, you can't force her to do something like that - but if she doesn't want to take the pill she won't do that either! The thing about an IUD is she only needs to decide ONCE - with the pill she essentially has to decide she wants to do it every day, and even if she's all for it she can still forget.
The IUD can be removed at any time by her doctor - that's something else you should both be aware of.
So there are a number of people advocating making this decision FOR your daughter. Put her on this or put her on that. I think this is a mistake. The low dose of hormone in a Mirena is not "no issues" for everyone. No medical procedure or medication is without risk or side effect. And the daughter should have both the education to make that decision and the responsibility to do so. Having external things available, like condoms, sponges and morning after pills I have no problem with. Should she need them, they are there.
While I think avoiding pregnancy is very important, learning about avoiding pregnancy on ones own journey to adulthood is as important or maybe more important.
We were lucky enough to have access to this program
Through the UU church despite not being members. It is a very thoughtful and comprehensive sex ed course that spans many weeks, I think a semester. Many of this issues discussed here; embarrassment, STIs, pregnancy, pron, oral and anal sex are all covered in a way that breaks down barriers to acceptance. The fact that it did not come from Mom and Dad was also helpful, even with my very open teen son. I would recommend this to anyone.
Her daughter hasn't said she's sexually active yet. The girl may choose not to become sexually active for many more years (mine was in her early twenties!) Being prepared is one thing, actually insisting she use birth control she may not need at this point is entirely another. I also don't want to be alarmist but my daughter did develop blood clots within a year of starting BC pills, so perhaps another reason to be cautious about that type of thing at a young age.
Agreed. I'm not prude, but good grief! My daughters were both college age before they had sex. To "put" a kid on birth control at 15 or so just because, seems a little extreme.
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew
So there are a number of people advocating making this decision FOR your daughter. Put her on this or put her on that. I think this is a mistake. The low dose of hormone in a Mirena is not "no issues" for everyone. No medical procedure or medication is without risk or side effect. And the daughter should have both the education to make that decision and the responsibility to do so. Having external things available, like condoms, sponges and morning after pills I have no problem with. Should she need them, they are there.
While I think avoiding pregnancy is very important, learning about avoiding pregnancy on ones own journey to adulthood is as important or maybe more important.
We were lucky enough to have access to this program
Through the UU church despite not being members. It is a very thoughtful and comprehensive sex ed course that spans many weeks, I think a semester. Many of this issues discussed here; embarrassment, STIs, pregnancy, pron, oral and anal sex are all covered in a way that breaks down barriers to acceptance. The fact that it did not come from Mom and Dad was also helpful, even with my very open teen son. I would recommend this to anyone.
I'm not familiar with the course, but I def agree with the bold.
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