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Our daughter is 19, and currently living at home. We are fine with that, but she is not working, sleeps until 3 or 4 in the afternoon, and is resistant to help around the house. We also have three younger kids(one is a teenager, and the other two are tweens) and there is constant fighting between them and her. (All four kids belong to me and my husband, and we have been married 20 years.) We aren't sure how to get her moving in life, and when we talk to her it turns into yelling or her leaving the room with nothing resolved. We are trying to be patient, but this can't continue. Our younger kids see her not doing much, and begin to feel resentful when they are having to go to school and help clean the house. We were pretty young when she was born(18 and 19), and I have always wondered if that's why she doesn't feel that she has to listen to us. However, we always lived on our own right from the start, have supported ourselves. What can we do?? My husband has told her she needs to move if she can't help out and respect the rules of the house. She has no where to go, so that isn't a realistic possibility in my opinion.
Our daughter is 19, and currently living at home. We are fine with that, but she is not working, sleeps until 3 or 4 in the afternoon, and is resistant to help around the house. We also have three younger kids(one is a teenager, and the other two are tweens) and there is constant fighting between them and her. (All four kids belong to me and my husband, and we have been married 20 years.) We aren't sure how to get her moving in life, and when we talk to her it turns into yelling or her leaving the room with nothing resolved. We are trying to be patient, but this can't continue. Our younger kids see her not doing much, and begin to feel resentful when they are having to go to school and help clean the house. We were pretty young when she was born(18 and 19), and I have always wondered if that's why she doesn't feel that she has to listen to us. However, we always lived on our own right from the start, have supported ourselves. What can we do?? My husband has told her she needs to move if she can't help out and respect the rules of the house. She has no where to go, so that isn't a realistic possibility in my opinion.
Why does she sleep until 3 or 4 in the afternoon?
What does she do all night?
Does she do anything at all to contribute to the family unit?
Well she probably needs help making a plan. Has she looked into city/community college programs which can give her some job related training? What are her friends and/or former HS classmates doing? She may be depressed/confused/scared to take the next step in life. Try to work as a family to help her overcome whatever it is that has her paralyzed. Talk to others in your life or community resources if you need help. (I would avoid the for profit schools advertised on TV etc, as they are often rip offs)
My husband has told her she needs to move if she can't help out and respect the rules of the house. She has no where to go, so that isn't a realistic possibility in my opinion.
Get over that. Right now. You're part of the problem in that you're not backing your husband. So, she can either start getting her act together, or find a place to live. Giving her that choice gives her the power to decide what way she wants to take. Then live up to your end of it.
My first thought is does she have a cell phone? If yes, who is paying the bill?
Does she have a car, or use a car? If yes, who is paying the car insurance and buying the gasoline?
Does she go out with her friends? If yes, where does she get the money?
Does she buy clothes and make-up? If yes, where does she get the money?
Does she buy video games or other things for entertainment? If yes, where does she get the money?
Does she have her own computer? If yes, who bought it? Who pays for the internet service?
Does she use shampoo & personal items? If yes, who buys them?
Does she eat food at home? If yes, who buys the food and who makes the food?
_________ Hmmmm, so what are the answers to those questions? _________
Your daughter needs to step-up and become a contributing member of your family. I agree, with the others, she needs to be working and/or going to school fulltime.
And, if she is living at home she needs to help with the family chores at the very minimum. Or else, do all of her own chores, such as her own laundry, buy her own food & cook her own meals, clean her room and help clean the common areas that she uses.
I have always wondered if that's why she doesn't feel that she has to listen to us.
First, dismiss this notion that because you were young parents she feels that way. My parents were very young when I was born (19 and 20) and I never felt that way. Thousands/millions of other people had young parents and didn't see it as an excuse to ignore them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by el1zabeth
What can we do?? My husband has told her she needs to move if she can't help out and respect the rules of the house. She has no where to go, so that isn't a realistic possibility in my opinion.
As I recently said to another poster, you and your husband need to get on the same page with this. The two of you need to come up with a plan for helping her become a self-supporting adult. I would suggest that you start with the idea that she either gets a job or goes back to school or a combination of both. Tell her this is the decision and give her a deadline to decide her direction and begin to implement it. I'd give her a couple of weeks to either start applying for jobs or schools. Most areas have community colleges that are relatively affordable. (and be sure she completes the FAFSA as the deadline is typically in March).
If she elects to work, give her a limited amount of time to find employment, and inform her that she will be expected to pay rent to you and help around the house. If she doesn't find employment, or make real attempts to do so, she will need to move out.
If she decides to return to school, tell her that she can remain in the home, but is expected to help out. If she stops helping she will need to move. BTW--if she makes this choice and won't start school until the fall, tell she has to have a job in the interim. It will help with the school bills.
Not sure what the house rules are, but following rules that are reasonable for a young adult should also be part of the decision. This might include letting you know if she'll be out late or not coming home. These are things responsible adults do for each other.
Once you and your husband have agreed on a plan, pick a time to sit down with her and explain it to her. She may yell. She might scream. She might leave the room. Don't back down on it though.
It's tough to do, but since she seems unwilling, or unable, to act like an adult, it's time to be tough. I know it's heartbreaking, but sometimes parents have to do the hard thing. That is what makes us parents.
I don't understand how you get to this point. She's presumably graduated high school. Did you not have discussions through her childhood and schoolyears as to what your expectations were or what she planned on doing to support herself?
If you have not had those conversations previously, they need to happen. Actually they need to happen regardless. You and your husband need to present a unified front. Help her develop a realistic plan for self sufficiency, with realistic and attainable milestones then stick to the plan.
Start having these same discussions with your younger children so it's clear what's expected.
Last edited by maciesmom; 01-29-2016 at 06:30 PM..
She needs some realistic goals - your house, your rules - no reason for her to be home all day and not working or not going to school. Staying home and doing nothing is not helping her situation. Does she have a HS degree, what's her plan - ??
She either needs to be in school or working full time.
Great advice right here!
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