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Old 01-17-2016, 05:31 PM
 
11,615 posts, read 19,743,871 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by decembergirl View Post
Actually drinking is pretty normal. I did not drink as a teen and I was definitely the odd ball out. And I know that is the same for the high schools here. Drinking and pot are pretty rampant unfortunately. She is either depressed or trying to fit in. She probably needs to figure out where she is at. Who she is. And it might be a struggle for her. If she feels confident in herself she shouldn't rely on drugs or alcohol as much. But its a common crutch among adults.
I agree that drinking among teens is common. I would be more concerned about a teen drinking alone in her room than a teen who drinks in social situations. That's a red flag.
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Old 01-17-2016, 08:11 PM
 
3,437 posts, read 3,252,250 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sandsam View Post
Her dad passed away 2 years ago. Her and I are still trying to move forward from that. It's been hard - but she was definitely a challenge before. I would say her behavior has been improving; she's maturing in a good way.


She went to a wonderful counselor for awhile, but the counselor decided to tell me about my daughter's pot smoking (she considered that it had reached a dangerous level) and my daughter refused to talk to her anymore. She would go - a condition of having the car - but wouldn't talk. I started seeing the counselor instead for help with parenting.


I am appreciating the comments here that it is normal/good for the parent to loosen control. That's what I have been trying to do, and for the most part we have co-existed more peacefully. Maybe I'm just looking for assurance that that's the right thing to do at this age.


As for what she has been doing - I know she drinks with her friends. She got an underage consumption ticket (not a DUI) at a party. Prior to that, she promised me up and down she didn't drink. A couple nights ago I found an empty Lemonade Vodka bottle under her bed. I told her she was grounded for two weeks. She laughed at me and said I couldn't ground her. It's nothing terrible - it's just the lack of respect, lack of help around the house, lack of a job, and lying that are really wearing on me.


Thank you for your comments and help so far.
Cut her off. No money, no car. Get rid of her car. Why does a high school student need a car? Let her walk to school, or politely ask you for a lift.

Make her living in your house conditional on helping around the house. Print up a list of chores and if she fails to do them regularly, call a mover to come pack up everything in her room and put it in storage, and rent out her room to someone who is willing to pay and be responsible unlike this girl.

Let her face the cold hard reality of losing you as her source of money and shelter, and let her make a choice -- her irresponsible, self-centered lifestyle, or stay with you.

It would be hard, but tough love might be the only tool left in your toolbox that's really going to work.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. As a dad of a tween (11) I dread the transformation into rebellious teen that awaits her. I just have to hope that we are giving her enough love and foundation in self-respect and responsibility now that it will be quick and painless

I think that counselor did the right thing. She's a minor and you have the right and the need to know about an abusive level of pot consumption.

Keep us posted and best of luck.
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Old 01-17-2016, 09:28 PM
 
4,428 posts, read 302,031 times
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Let her know that after she graduates HS and is 18 she will need to get her own place since she can't respect you. Yes, that means she has to get a job that can pay her bills.
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Old 01-17-2016, 09:57 PM
 
6,455 posts, read 9,531,151 times
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The moment she laughed at you should have been the moment you stripped her everything but the bare essentials you are legally obligated to provide. Let her keep two changes of clothes. tampons, mattress on the floor, one set of sheets, one blanket, one lamp, no other bedroom furniture. Take her devices if you're providing them. Then tell her since she thinks she's so grown up, she can start providing for herself. The when she turns 18, give her the pink slip to her life along with an eviction notice.

No little POS teenager is going to laugh at me and get away with it.
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Old 01-18-2016, 08:19 AM
 
4,955 posts, read 2,575,958 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sandsam View Post
I am tempted to pull her senior trip from her, but I wonder if that would be over-reacting and result in even more trouble?
Don't pull the senior trip. No good will come with that.

Teenagers---I used to say while raising mine, "I now understand why some animals eat their young".
This too shall pass.

Teenagers are not always going to respect you. They are in a difficult place, they are not children, they are not adults. If you waited a bit to have children then you ended up with a teenager with hormones and yourself with perimenopause hormones. What a crazy mix. What will really happen later is that they will feel incredible guilty in how they treated you when they were a teenager and will be the most loving adults. I think it is incredibly tough being a teenager.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sandsam View Post

I told her she was grounded for two weeks.
What good does grounding for two weeks do? Does it change the behavior?
I never understood the grounding stuff. I had my sons do extra chores. Have her earn her privileges of having a car, etc.
I made them write my letters to why I should allow them to do stuff.
(I still have some of them and now they make us laugh like crazy!)

Last edited by GiGi603; 01-18-2016 at 08:30 AM..
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Old 01-18-2016, 09:36 AM
 
Location: Long Neck , DE
4,903 posts, read 2,777,446 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by decembergirl View Post
Actually drinking is pretty normal. I did not drink as a teen and I was definitely the odd ball out. And I know that is the same for the high schools here. Drinking and pot are pretty rampant unfortunately. She is either depressed or trying to fit in. She probably needs to figure out where she is at. Who she is. And it might be a struggle for her. If she feels confident in herself she shouldn't rely on drugs or alcohol as much. But its a common crutch among adults.

In many circles drinking is quite normal. So is being injured or killed in DUIs. That is one place I would put my foot down. I would explain that rule over and over and over and......
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Old 01-18-2016, 10:11 AM
 
1,937 posts, read 1,164,620 times
Reputation: 9180
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zymer View Post
She needs to know that your intentions are to help her and guide her. Forget 'punishment', it's too late for that and it isn't going to work- all you will do is drive her deeper and further away. 'Punishment' is for children who are to young to be reasoned with. Now is the time for rational conversation and sound reasoning, instead of attempts to force her to go the way you want.

Explain to her that you *cannot* control her and you do not *want* to control her, your time and responsibility for 'control' is coming to an end. It is now time for her to control herself and make her own decisions. You will be there to guide her and advise her if she wants to listen and take advantage of your age and experience, you will always be there for her, even if she decides to go her own way and later realizes that she has made a mistake in doing so.

This may not be an easy conversation, and she may reject it and your advice. You cannot be a 'friend' to a young child whom you must punish/discipline because he/she is too young to be rational and reasonable. However, you must become a friend to the older child who is becoming an adult. The child must see you as a friend who wants to give her good advice, and to help her, rather than someone who wishes to control her and 'own' her.

You cannot keep her in a cage, she will resent it. You must open the door, and allow her to go free if she wishes to.

This!! (and the whole post from Zymer!)

A 17 year old SHOULD be defiant! She is learning how to be an adult - hopefully - with your guidance. Kids this age need a mentor, a "guidance counselor" to help them find the right information to assist in decision making and the knowledge they are loved.

Adults don't get grounded when they are naughty. They learn what the natural consequences for their actions are.

Instead of punishment, sit down and talk.
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Old 01-18-2016, 11:12 AM
 
3,313 posts, read 3,320,587 times
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I'm sorry you're going through the terrible seventeens. Been there, done that. NOT fun. Try to set some healthy boundaries and let her know you love her and give her structure and just from my personal experience, PRAY. Hard.
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Old 01-18-2016, 02:47 PM
 
Location: Over yonder a piece
3,761 posts, read 4,306,699 times
Reputation: 5982
I've seen enough episodes of "Intervention" to know that your daughter is still suffering from depression over the loss of her father. It has nothing to do with you. Definitely get her into counseling for that - and make a vow NOT to have the therapist tell you what is told to him/her in sessions. That's the only way your daughter will truly open up and tell the therapist what has been causing her to act out.

/armchair psychologist
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Old 01-18-2016, 02:54 PM
 
716 posts, read 924,558 times
Reputation: 480
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
I agree that drinking among teens is common. I would be more concerned about a teen drinking alone in her room than a teen who drinks in social situations. That's a red flag.
Yes, anyone drinking alone is a red flag. I think most times drinking period is a red flag. I certainly don't do it and I don't hang around people who do. And non-drinkers are the exception, not the norm.
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