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Old 01-17-2016, 02:53 PM
 
1,677 posts, read 1,968,624 times
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An 11 year old shouldn't be sitting in a grown man's lap. Especially a grown man who isn't even her dad. Seems like that alone should have raised some sort of alarm in your friend. Didn't she notice her boyfriend paying so much attention to her daughter? Is she really dumb, clueless, in love...what's her deal?

I would bring it up to the friend and see what she says. If she continues to be in denial, I would keep a close eye on things and have CPS on speed dial.
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Old 01-17-2016, 03:09 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,492 posts, read 15,940,606 times
Reputation: 38845
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyFarm34 View Post
I have nothing against giving a child affection but he seemed to be overdoing it. The kid was in his lap, playing games on the Ipad with her, giving her shoulder rides and a bit of rough housing.

There's is something called "grooming". I hope he isn't doing that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnaNomus View Post
An 11 year old shouldn't be sitting in a grown man's lap. Especially a grown man who isn't even her dad. Seems like that alone should have raised some sort of alarm in your friend. Didn't she notice her boyfriend paying so much attention to her daughter? Is she really dumb, clueless, in love...what's her deal?

I would bring it up to the friend and see what she says. If she continues to be in denial, I would keep a close eye on things and have CPS on speed dial.

It is not unusual for child molesters to only date single mothers so that they have easy access to their child/children.


Weren't the other adults concerned when they saw the BF give the 11 year old shoulder rides and let (probably, encourage would be more accurate) her sit on his lap and give the little girl more attention than he gave his GF ?
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Old 01-17-2016, 03:13 PM
 
8 posts, read 3,985 times
Reputation: 40
I was a social worker for awhile that worked with abused children and yes this is called grooming. Someone should say something to the Mom. If CPS is called and he has not done anything yet there will not be anything they can do. Hopefully, there is someone close that can talk to the Mom about this and get her to understand her daughter is at risk.
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Old 01-17-2016, 03:52 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma USA
1,196 posts, read 783,221 times
Reputation: 4387
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyFarm34 View Post
I have nothing against giving a child affection but he seemed to be overdoing it. The kid was in his lap, playing games on the Ipad with her, giving her shoulder rides and a bit of rough housing.

There's is something called "grooming". I hope he isn't doing that.
Incredibly high likelihood that he is in it for the prepubescent contact.

In his lap = buttocks to genital contact

Shoulder rides = Open legs near his face

"Rough housing" = Who knows? But definitely not appropriate. Unless it's armwrestling, with no torso contact.

And to whomever said that his family background had nothing to do with the current situation: Horse bologna!



The standards for sexually acceptable behaviour, and for sexual contact are established in the childhood milieu, whether through the nuclear family, or from outside influences. Two family members already identified as child molesters? There's something that created that whole culture in the family. They weren't two separate spontaneous aberrations. Coupled (or 'tripled') with this guy's antics and it is pretty obvious.

Former social worker here.

The guy has all the hallmarks of a predator.

The girl has no father in her life to teach her how she should or shouldn't allow a grown man to treat her. Mother is either complicit or clueless. And its scary common for desperate moms to be complicit.

Don't automatically assume that Mom will be receptive to a heads up about his behavior.

She probably won't be. A lot of moms are willing to, uh, turn a blind eye.

I've seen it all too often. In fact it is not uncommon at all.

Child needs an advocate. I don't know if you can be it or not. But she needs someone looking out for her.

And any mother who knows that some guy comes from a family of child molesters and lets him perform that sort of physical contact with her 11 year old daughter? She is not looking out for the child's best interest.
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Old 01-17-2016, 04:49 PM
 
Location: USA
2,435 posts, read 1,799,422 times
Reputation: 3833
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnaNomus View Post
An 11 year old shouldn't be sitting in a grown man's lap. Especially a grown man who isn't even her dad. Seems like that alone should have raised some sort of alarm in your friend. Didn't she notice her boyfriend paying so much attention to her daughter? Is she really dumb, clueless, in love...what's her deal?

I would bring it up to the friend and see what she says. If she continues to be in denial, I would keep a close eye on things and have CPS on speed dial.
Turning a blind eye to what was going on & desperate to be with a man. If I say anything, most likely, it will fall on deaf ears thinking he wouldn't do something like that. I only see the friend 2-3x a month so I wouldn't have the best judgement what he's really like.

Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
It is not unusual for child molesters to only date single mothers so that they have easy access to their child/children.


Weren't the other adults concerned when they saw the BF give the 11 year old shoulder rides and let (probably, encourage would be more accurate) her sit on his lap and give the little girl more attention than he gave his GF ?
That's what I've heard about child molesters preying on single mothers. The shoulder ride, when he came by me and his girlfriend, the mom didn't seem bothered at all when her daughter was perched on his shoulders. She hasn't started puberty yet that I know of but she's getting close to that age. In the 2.5months they've been together, he seems quite attached to her being the child's buddy. It's great they get along but he needs to act like a PARENT, not the child's playmate.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Teacher Terry View Post
I was a social worker for awhile that worked with abused children and yes this is called grooming. Someone should say something to the Mom. If CPS is called and he has not done anything yet there will not be anything they can do. Hopefully, there is someone close that can talk to the Mom about this and get her to understand her daughter is at risk.
I hope my friend has taught her daughter about good touch/bad touch and be able to talk to a trusted adult with any concerns. I googled grooming and it seems to be what he is doing

Quote:
Originally Posted by goodmockingbird View Post
Incredibly high likelihood that he is in it for the prepubescent contact.

In his lap = buttocks to genital contact

Shoulder rides = Open legs near his face

"Rough housing" = Who knows? But definitely not appropriate. Unless it's armwrestling, with no torso contact.

And to whomever said that his family background had nothing to do with the current situation: Horse bologna!



The standards for sexually acceptable behaviour, and for sexual contact are established in the childhood milieu, whether through the nuclear family, or from outside influences. Two family members already identified as child molesters? There's something that created that whole culture in the family. They weren't two separate spontaneous aberrations. Coupled (or 'tripled') with this guy's antics and it is pretty obvious.

Former social worker here.

The guy has all the hallmarks of a predator.

The girl has no father in her life to teach her how she should or shouldn't allow a grown man to treat her. Mother is either complicit or clueless. And its scary common for desperate moms to be complicit.

Don't automatically assume that Mom will be receptive to a heads up about his behavior.

She probably won't be. A lot of moms are willing to, uh, turn a blind eye.

I've seen it all too often. In fact it is not uncommon at all.

Child needs an advocate. I don't know if you can be it or not. But she needs someone looking out for her.

And any mother who knows that some guy comes from a family of child molesters and lets him perform that sort of physical contact with her 11 year old daughter? She is not looking out for the child's best interest.
Obviously not. Saying anything to her about my concerns would just push her away from me. No one wants to be told how to parent their child. "Rough housing" as in flipping her upside down after giving her a shoulder ride and tickling her.
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Old 01-17-2016, 04:54 PM
 
10,090 posts, read 6,500,984 times
Reputation: 23714
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyFarm34 View Post
Turning a blind eye to what was going on & desperate to be with a man. If I say anything, most likely, it will fall on deaf ears thinking he wouldn't do something like that. I only see the friend 2-3x a month so I wouldn't have the best judgement what he's really like.



That's what I've heard about child molesters preying on single mothers. The shoulder ride, when he came by me and his girlfriend, the mom didn't seem bothered at all when her daughter was perched on his shoulders. She hasn't started puberty yet that I know of but she's getting close to that age. In the 2.5months they've been together, he seems quite attached to her being the child's buddy. It's great they get along but he needs to act like a PARENT, not the child's playmate.



I hope my friend has taught her daughter about good touch/bad touch and be able to talk to a trusted adult with any concerns. I googled grooming and it seems to be what he is doing



Obviously not. Saying anything to her about my concerns would just push her away from me. No one wants to be told how to parent their child. "Rough housing" as in flipping her upside down after giving her a shoulder ride and tickling her.
I feel really bad for this girl. Her mom doesn't have her best interest at heart at all if she is bringing around a boyfriend so quickly, anyways. I think its better to watch and stick around then set off alarm bells for now.
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Old 01-17-2016, 06:52 PM
Status: "I'm late because I don't want to be here." (set 5 days ago)
 
991 posts, read 541,671 times
Reputation: 2035
A "high-five" or a handshake is appropriate touch for a non-bio child or friend's child. I have a personal rule to never, ever touch a child and keep my hands at my side. Maybe I go too far, but I.ve heard too many stories of accusations. Anyways, the person you mentioned crossing the line even if he doesn.t come from a long line of child molesters. Also, know that children of alcoholics/addicts are easier prey for molesters: they hone in on the easier "pickings".
I sense danger from what you described. Please be the child.s voice before it.s too late. If even you may be over-reacting and all is well (...ahem) it.s worth it.
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Old 01-17-2016, 07:06 PM
 
Location: USA
2,435 posts, read 1,799,422 times
Reputation: 3833
Quote:
Originally Posted by earslikeacat View Post
A "high-five" or a handshake is appropriate touch for a non-bio child or friend's child. I have a personal rule to never, ever touch a child and keep my hands at my side. Maybe I go too far, but I.ve heard too many stories of accusations. Anyways, the person you mentioned crossing the line even if he doesn.t come from a long line of child molesters. Also, know that children of alcoholics/addicts are easier prey for molesters: they hone in on the easier "pickings".
I sense danger from what you described. Please be the child.s voice before it.s too late. If even you may be over-reacting and all is well (...ahem) it.s worth it.
Your way is understandable. Better safe than getting accused. The child's mom is a fuctioning alcoholic. The boyfriend is a recovering drug addict but drinks socially
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Old 01-17-2016, 07:53 PM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
15,616 posts, read 9,671,076 times
Reputation: 34447
Wait a minute ! "He comes from a family of child molesters" and the Mother isn't concerned !!! My God, where is her head at ?? I realize that is circumstantial evidence, but my children came first, and better safe than sorry.

Your friend is an idiot IMO.

Don
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Old 01-17-2016, 08:04 PM
 
Location: here
24,472 posts, read 28,750,429 times
Reputation: 31051
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyFarm34 View Post
I have nothing against giving a child affection but he seemed to be overdoing it. The kid was in his lap, playing games on the Ipad with her, giving her shoulder rides and a bit of rough housing.

There's is something called "grooming". I hope he isn't doing that.
I don't think any of that sounds appropriate. I have kids around this age, and they don't sit on laps or take shoulder rides anymore.
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