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Old 01-19-2016, 11:32 AM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,276,519 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scooby Snacks View Post
This is true. But single parents, mothers and fathers both, are caught between a rock and a hard place. The marriage/relationship with the ex didn't work out. So what do they do? Be alone and avoid relationships until the kids grow up and move out? Even if they are very careful about whom the kids meet and only bring around people they are serious about that they think they might marry or will marry, there's no guarantee they will stick around. That's why I think people are too quick to suggest couples break up, especially when there are kids involved. The consequences to the kids are very negative, often more negative than a bad relationship between the parents, especially if the problems are temporary. People automatically assume that parents splitting up is better for the kids than arguing parents and that isn't always the case.
Chaotic conflict between parents is almost always worse than having separate parental family units.

A women who makes bad choices in men should go to therapy to work through the issues that cause her to pick those men. This is the best thing for the kids.
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Old 01-19-2016, 11:47 AM
 
Location: Round Rock, Texas
10,064 posts, read 9,309,886 times
Reputation: 13128
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scooby Snacks View Post
This is true. But single parents, mothers and fathers both, are caught between a rock and a hard place. The marriage/relationship with the ex didn't work out. So what do they do? Be alone and avoid relationships until the kids grow up and move out? Even if they are very careful about whom the kids meet and only bring around people they are serious about that they think they might marry or will marry, there's no guarantee they will stick around. That's why I think people are too quick to suggest couples break up, especially when there are kids involved. The consequences to the kids are very negative, often more negative than a bad relationship between the parents, especially if the problems are temporary. People automatically assume that parents splitting up is better for the kids than arguing parents and that isn't always the case.
I absolutely do NOT advocate that people "stick around for the kids". No no no! I'd rather see my parents get along as amicable friends after the split rather than cold and distant once the marriage starts to go south. Kids can pick up on that too - dad and mom constantly bickering, the "quiet periods" where the partners are ignoring each other, the lack of intimacy/affection. Kids feed on that too and develop ideas that all marriages are like that when that's not true. My parents decided early on that the cultural differences coupled with their young ages was too much of a hurdle for them to overcome. They made the decision to separate when I was very young so that I don't remember them ever living together. At the same time, my father was (and remains) in my life. That never changed. But they were no longer living under the same roof and I think that was for the best. I remember them being comfortable and friendly when they interacted as separate partners vs. strained and angry when they were together. In fact, I don't know of ANY arguments between them. The result is that I grew up to be a well adjusted person with a positive view of marriage. I am almost 13 years into my own marriage and thankfully we do get along. One thing my parents' divorce taught me is to not marry in haste (in the case of my parents they married quickly to keep him in the United States) and to take my time to find the right person. It also taught me to be a strong, independent person. I think I learned quite a few life skills and didn't really end up being "disadvantaged". Being raised by my mother and grandmother were delightful years of my life.

There is probably only one thing that would make me consider divorce (and at the very least, separation) without question and that is infidelity. That is a cardinal sin for me. Even with kids I will not continue the marriage. It would be irrevocably broken and it would actually do the kids harm for us to be together with such strain. I refuse to live under the same roof as a philanderer. Again, thankfully, my husband and I are on the same page about this.
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Old 01-19-2016, 02:56 PM
 
1,385 posts, read 1,778,416 times
Reputation: 1806
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
If you TRULY believe that you are awesome and yet you can ONLY attract losers, then you are having a flight of fancy that is not in accordance with any kind of reality.
It sounds to me like her daughter thinks her mother is a loser. I bet most of the time in therapy she is talking about how the only men her mom dates are bi-polar, drug useing scum-bags. Why doesn't my mom meet a nice guy and give me a good father?.... Because she is too busy looking for losers?
Nice guys want nice women. Mom needs to go to therapy.
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Old 01-20-2016, 05:58 AM
 
Location: P.C.F
1,973 posts, read 1,516,733 times
Reputation: 1602
Blame Shifter.. Posters please notice its all the X's fault.. and if I read it correctly there is more than one X.. Boys father and her father and now ?? No One.. but hey who wouldn't want their young teen daughter out shooting guns hahhaahaahah( I think I hear theme song for Deliverance and the banjos are LOUD!) I agree with SEVERAL Other Posters here and view the daughters issues as .... family of origin issues.




Quote:
Originally Posted by LowonLuck View Post
She has all that. My dad is always there for her.. My ex husband still spends time with her when he is not being self absorbed. She is very close to my brother, who takes her hunting and shooting. It is not enough. She wants a real father.

I have never heard of rent-a-father.

ETA - while she has relationships with other male role models I don't think it is the same as having your own actual father that loves and wants the best for you. She is second fiddle to her friends when it comes to their fathers, my nephew to my brother, the other grandchildren to my father. The bar, pool table or his latest relationship when it comes to my exhusband. I can't knock him though, because he does more than he has to for her. She is not his child.
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Old 01-20-2016, 06:18 AM
 
3,153 posts, read 2,848,160 times
Reputation: 8670
You need to immediately shut down the idea that you can ever "find her a father." You can't. Even if you remarry, that will not be her father, and it's crazy to look for someone to marry just so you can give a your tween what she wants. She needs to understand that she will never, ever have a father, and that's that, no matter how sorry you are about it or how much she wants one. It's a fact of her life. If you are somehow letting her believe that maybe someday you will "find her a father," then you may be accidentally leading her on and encouraging her to maintain this obsessive desire for the impossible. Other than that, consider that tween years are just really hard and emotional, and being just like everyone else and having what they have is a phase that most girls go through - some want the latest handbag, some want a different family or a bigger house, whatever. It's just a really hard time when you want to be exactly like everyone else but of course, that's impossible. I don't really think the father is the issue, but maybe she needs a new therapist. This one doesn't seem to be working.
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Old 01-20-2016, 07:02 AM
 
2,379 posts, read 4,283,584 times
Reputation: 3402
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mnseca View Post
You need to immediately shut down the idea that you can ever "find her a father." You can't. Even if you remarry, that will not be her father, and it's crazy to look for someone to marry just so you can give a your tween what she wants. She needs to understand that she will never, ever have a father, and that's that, no matter how sorry you are about it or how much she wants one. It's a fact of her life. If you are somehow letting her believe that maybe someday you will "find her a father," then you may be accidentally leading her on and encouraging her to maintain this obsessive desire for the impossible. Other than that, consider that tween years are just really hard and emotional, and being just like everyone else and having what they have is a phase that most girls go through - some want the latest handbag, some want a different family or a bigger house, whatever. It's just a really hard time when you want to be exactly like everyone else but of course, that's impossible. I don't really think the father is the issue, but maybe she needs a new therapist. This one doesn't seem to be working.


Wow, excellent post.
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Old 01-20-2016, 07:25 AM
 
11,229 posts, read 9,228,214 times
Reputation: 14654
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mnseca View Post
You need to immediately shut down the idea that you can ever "find her a father." You can't. Even if you remarry, that will not be her father, and it's crazy to look for someone to marry just so you can give a your tween what she wants. She needs to understand that she will never, ever have a father, and that's that, no matter how sorry you are about it or how much she wants one. It's a fact of her life. If you are somehow letting her believe that maybe someday you will "find her a father," then you may be accidentally leading her on and encouraging her to maintain this obsessive desire for the impossible. Other than that, consider that tween years are just really hard and emotional, and being just like everyone else and having what they have is a phase that most girls go through - some want the latest handbag, some want a different family or a bigger house, whatever. It's just a really hard time when you want to be exactly like everyone else but of course, that's impossible. I don't really think the father is the issue, but maybe she needs a new therapist. This one doesn't seem to be working.
Boom.
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Old 01-20-2016, 08:07 AM
 
Location: USA
2,431 posts, read 1,796,377 times
Reputation: 3818
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
Your mom is as much of the problem as your dad was. She's the one who picked him, which means she had on idea how to teach you about good men.

A girl can grow up without her biological father in her life and have no negative repercussions if she has the right kind of mother.
From what I seen in my own family and others as well, the girls that came from homes where the mom had a string of boyfriends/men in their life & substance abuse issues all became pregnant in highschool or early adulthood (18-20yrs. old). My mom had me when she was 19. Her mom, my Grandma was an alcoholic & had random boyfriends when she was growing up. And have a few cousins who became teenage mothers with the similar scenaro your daughter is being raised in. The ones that came from a broken family and didn't get pregnant, their mom didn't have a revolving door of men in their life. Something to think about... So just letting you know it's actually doing your daughter more harm than good by allowing these men in her life thinking one of them will take place of her father.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mnseca View Post
You need to immediately shut down the idea that you can ever "find her a father." You can't. Even if you remarry, that will not be her father, and it's crazy to look for someone to marry just so you can give a your tween what she wants. She needs to understand that she will never, ever have a father, and that's that, no matter how sorry you are about it or how much she wants one. It's a fact of her life. If you are somehow letting her believe that maybe someday you will "find her a father," then you may be accidentally leading her on and encouraging her to maintain this obsessive desire for the impossible. Other than that, consider that tween years are just really hard and emotional, and being just like everyone else and having what they have is a phase that most girls go through - some want the latest handbag, some want a different family or a bigger house, whatever. It's just a really hard time when you want to be exactly like everyone else but of course, that's impossible. I don't really think the father is the issue, but maybe she needs a new therapist. This one doesn't seem to be working.
Bingo!

Last edited by HappyFarm34; 01-20-2016 at 08:16 AM..
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Old 01-20-2016, 08:19 AM
 
16,724 posts, read 13,670,338 times
Reputation: 40996
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mnseca View Post
You need to immediately shut down the idea that you can ever "find her a father." You can't. Even if you remarry, that will not be her father, and it's crazy to look for someone to marry just so you can give a your tween what she wants. She needs to understand that she will never, ever have a father, and that's that, no matter how sorry you are about it or how much she wants one. It's a fact of her life. If you are somehow letting her believe that maybe someday you will "find her a father," then you may be accidentally leading her on and encouraging her to maintain this obsessive desire for the impossible. Other than that, consider that tween years are just really hard and emotional, and being just like everyone else and having what they have is a phase that most girls go through - some want the latest handbag, some want a different family or a bigger house, whatever. It's just a really hard time when you want to be exactly like everyone else but of course, that's impossible. I don't really think the father is the issue, but maybe she needs a new therapist. This one doesn't seem to be working.

This one wins the internet! +100
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Old 01-20-2016, 08:36 AM
 
3,750 posts, read 2,904,872 times
Reputation: 11937
Havent read this whole thread, but in having read enough of the OPs posts, the problem isnt the child wanting a father. The problem is the OP being so desperate for a husband, and Im sure letting the kids know that, that they kids think they can't be happy without a dad. Its up to the OP to to teach, and more importantly SHOW the kids, that a dad would be nice, but they dont have to have one. They can be a very happy full vital family without one.

Theres a bazillion families out there without dads. Its up to the Mom to grow and nuture the kids, not show them that without a man/Dad in their life, they are worthless. And thats what she's showing them.
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