Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
You can't do this by yourself and no one here can really help in the "reality" sense of the word. Can your wife's doctors recommend some family counselors? Your wife needs to get a grip. If she's on medication then the bi-polar is a non-issue. She's just a witch. HOWEVER your daughter is either (1) just like her mom or (2) being a typical rebellious 14yr old. Either way she deserves as much attention as possible. And don't forget the others. They are affected, don't think they're not.
Start now. Talk to someone. Then get the kids in. or your wife. Start with one or the other. The counselor can set the rules and then there will be no excuse. Everyone can follow the rules. (hopefully it works out that easily)
Bipolar medication does not just make BPD go away. It can lessen symptoms but like all psych meds it needs to be carefully monitored until dosages are perfected, and those dosages can change over time. Additionally, it can also cause symptoms of itself and sometimes these meds can cause depression as a side effect. Finally, people with chronic illness, naturally and unfairly take it out on those around them. They need to be given coping skills and their families should go to support groups to help them deal with their own emotional issues stemming from the chronic illness.
You can't do this by yourself and no one here can really help in the "reality" sense of the word. Can your wife's doctors recommend some family counselors? Your wife needs to get a grip. If she's on medication then the bi-polar is a non-issue. She's just a witch. HOWEVER your daughter is either (1) just like her mom or (2) being a typical rebellious 14yr old. Either way she deserves as much attention as possible. And don't forget the others. They are affected, don't think they're not.
Start now. Talk to someone. Then get the kids in. or your wife. Start with one or the other. The counselor can set the rules and then there will be no excuse. Everyone can follow the rules. (hopefully it works out that easily)
That's not true at all. The meds help the bipolar. They don't cure it. I know because I'm bipolar myself. I'm on meds, and they help tremendously, but I need tweaks and adjustments from time to time. Insomnia is my main problem, so I have to take medication for sleep as well. But sometimes I still feel depressed and crappy. But so do a lot of people who aren't bipolar. Life isn't easy for any of us. It's one day at a time.
I applaud OP not blaming your wife for all the problems in the family. It sounds like your wife is doing a lot to help herself and it's quite possible your daughter is going through adolescent angst and is trying to use your wife as a scapegoat. She probably has other things going on as well. That's not to say your wife isn't being too harsh on her; she probably is. You are very strong to try to keep the family together. But there are more resources that just counseling. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is an excellent resource. They have support groups to help people with mental illness and their families. You can talk to regular people with issues such as yours, and they have various articles and other resources you can turn to for help. Hang in there, OP. It gets better.
That's not true at all. The meds help the bipolar. They don't cure it. I know because I'm bipolar myself. I'm on meds, and they help tremendously, but I need tweaks and adjustments from time to time. Insomnia is my main problem, so I have to take medication for sleep as well. But sometimes I still feel depressed and crappy. But so do a lot of people who aren't bipolar. Life isn't easy for any of us. It's one day at a time.
I applaud OP not blaming your wife for all the problems in the family. It sounds like your wife is doing a lot to help herself and it's quite possible your daughter is going through adolescent angst and is trying to use your wife as a scapegoat. She probably has other things going on as well. That's not to say your wife isn't being too harsh on her; she probably is. You are very strong to try to keep the family together. But there are more resources that just counseling. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is an excellent resource. They have support groups to help people with mental illness and their families. You can talk to regular people with issues such as yours, and they have various articles and other resources you can turn to for help. Hang in there, OP. It gets better.
Those are good points. I think when all this hit my daughter was at the perfectly wrong age. She might play up some of these problems. But on the other other hand I came home from work and she was sobbing. Apparently when my wife was manic she made fun of my daughter for choosing a bra in the store that was too big. Now all these months later, it had come up somehow.
My wife didn't remember ever doing that and said my daughter was lying to make her look bad. She was demanding a full apology for lying. I had to separate them and tell my wife that people who are lying don't generally start sobbing. So whether it happened or not, my daughter believed it happened.
It appears that your wife is incapable of parenting at present - it's all about her. As you noted, her reaction to your daughter brought her to the point of tears, and her accusing your daughter of lying reveals her incapacity to empathize with her child, as well as her necessity to be "right" in her own view, even over what should be small things, even at the cost of her young daughter's peace of mind. Your wife is very ill, to do this.
You must absolutely put your children's well-being first right now - in particular, your daughter's well-being. Call your wife's doctor and counselor immediately tomorrow morning. Her behavior is causing harm to another, and as such, she can be hospitalized, even if it's against her own will. Your daughter is clearly suffering great emotional distress, and her behavior - acting out - reflects that.
Your wife's engaging with your daughter over the bra situation is far from normal - as was the initial "teasing". A mother should be loving and understanding, and while gentle, affectionate teasing is common with parents, her behavior was far from being either gentle or affectionate - much less loving. Instead, it revealed her own insecurity and the length to which she will go - at present - to protect herself from what she considers "the enemy" - in this case, your daughter, whom she falsely accused of lying and whom she distressed to the point of tears, over an uncalled-for incident which she now cannot even remember.
Will your wife go farther before she stops or is stopped? How will she feel about this when her thinking and emotions become clearer? Once she starts cycling down, she may feel so remorseful that she attempts to do harm to herself, when she realizes how she hurt her child. Or she may never come to that realization, and continue to behave without regard for anything but her own confused and irrational self.
She is way off the charts right now, and your daughter is bearing the brunt of her mother's active illness. Both need help. If your wife cannot see or comprehend what she is doing, your daughter must be protected regardless.
Please put an end to this enormously painful situation, and protect your child.
Last edited by CraigCreek; 01-24-2016 at 10:50 PM..
Please hear me. Your son is not okay. Your two younger children are not okay.
Quote:
Originally Posted by goodmockingbird
And don't think your other three kids aren't being damaged. They are.
OP, you have a difficult row to hoe. I won't add commentary on your wife-daughter dynamic. It is visible for all to see. It is also sucking all of the oxygen out of the room, taking away from the home life needed by the others. While your 12 year old boy may be rolling with the punches, chances are he's not. Remember, he's an adolescent too. He is suffering from the issues at home, and may have issues outside the home too, but being a boy, and in circumstances where he can clearly see you have a plate that is overflowing, you are never going to hear about it from him. EVER. He's going to be a good soldier, and gut it out. He is not going to come to Dad and talk about his feelings. As you should know, boys/men clamp down like pressure cookers until they pop.
So, when you take daughter to the counselor, inquire separately if the counselor has experience in getting boys to talk. There's an art to it. He's not going to just open up like a gusher of emotion. Then, get the boy in there too. It may take more than one visit. Let's make sure nothing is brewing with him that goes unattended for 5 years until you have a major mess on that front that involves truancy, criminal acting out, or drug addiction.
Are you making sure that your wife takes her meds? My BIL is bipolar and he's decided a few times that he was cured and didn't need meds anymore. So now my sister has to watch him take them. He does get better, but it's the meds that make him better.
As the non-bipolar mother of a young teenage girl, I'll say that most of us are walking on eggshells around our daughters at that age. They go from being a sweet little girl to a mysterious and moody person who snaps at us for no good reason. My daughter got really upset at her dad the other day because he mentioned that she had a big pimple on her lip...not a cool thing for him to point out, but two years ago he would have been able to mention that and suggest something to put on it, without getting his head bitten off. Now you never know if she's going to hug you and thank you for the advice, or start screaming and stomp off to her room. It's baffling. Your daughter sounds more mellow than mine but it's possible some of the drama between her and her mother is that difficult teenage stage.
Are you making sure that your wife takes her meds? My BIL is bipolar and he's decided a few times that he was cured and didn't need meds anymore. So now my sister has to watch him take them. He does get better, but it's the meds that make him better.
It is not unusual for those diagnosed with Bipolar Affective Disorder to stop taking their medication. It's worth checking out.
Your wife's mental health issues are affecting all of you. The hospitalizations, the negativity, the mood swings... you all may be handling it a different way, but it is making a difference in all your lives.
You need to have a frank discussion with your wife. It will likely be easier to do with a counselor mediating the discussion. Though you love her and want the best for her, your main concern now are your kids.
Her response is likely to be something along the lines of you always take your daughter's side against her, she can't stand living like this with you constantly on her case, you have faults too...
But somehow you need to figure out how to support her in managing her mental health issues better or come up with a living arrangement that works better for the kids.
It may end up that your wife will get a grip and things will calm down once she realizes the consequence of not doing so.
Or it may end up that you hire an grandmotherly type person to help you raise the kids and your wife comes and goes depending on how well she is managing her mental health issues.
Your children are very lucky that they have you. My daughter is bipolar but also has some personality disorders. This summer she had another very bad episode and was hospitalized. Of course they let her out too soon. They always do. It was at that point that my then 15 year old grandson had finally had enough and filed a petition with the court to have us become his legal guardians. We had no choice since there were no other grandparents and no father.
We love him very much and are trying hard to help him. 15 years of living with a mentally ill mother has done quite a bit of damage to him. Quite a bit.......We were supposed to move and retire this winter but we are not allowed to move him out of the state. His mother still has that much power with the courts since she retains parental rights and we are only the guardians.
My daughter has ruined a lot of lives due to her illness.
Please take care and think about your children's well being. You don't want a runaway.
I just hope this father (the OP ) listens to us and does not come home to find his house burned down one day because this is what the neighbor across the street from my father did . Yes he went and set his house on fire and his kids were in the house along with him and my father heard him slam the door and thought "oh well Bill is having another episode " then my sister told my dad the house was on fire . My dad called 911 and the fd and the pd got there 20 minutes later and the dad and the kids were dead . I kid you not Bill was bi polar and he would fight with his kids and his wife sat and made excuses for him . Yeah she was at work that day , that is why I hope you get your wife some help and stop making excuses for her and what happens when you are not there and she just flips out one day and does something horrible ? Have you even considered that this might happen ? if not I think you should . I do deem her dangerous to herself and others and how you can sit by and watch it happen OP is beyond me . I think you need to make your wife live apart from you all or you all go and find a place for yourselves .
I don't think her behavior is at the level of what Stagemomma had to endure. But she does need to get better and start acting like a fully functioning adult quickly. Family counseling I guess is where we start.
No, no, it wasn't like every day was a living hell. I don't want you to think that every day was torture. That is what was so hard about it. We had family and friends. My mom was a respected member of the community. She led several volunteer initiatives. People looked up to her. We had some peaceful times. When things weren't going well, no one knew... Just as you described, Mom would get set off about something, I would think it had blown over, months later it would get thrown back in my face.
The uncertainty is what creates stress that is hard to recover from. I never knew who I was going to get. Not having a mom I could count on or trust WAS hard. There was no one in my corner. If your daughter feels that way also, she is going to blame you. Hope you can handle that.
Your wife is not going to get better quickly. You are rationalizing. Don't say "Well, it isn't as bad as those other people described, so it will be okay" If she stopped going to counseling, she'll stop taking her meds. What I'm saying is that you need to assume the worst possible outcome in order to protect your children.
Please consider sending your daughter to your mom or sister.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
