U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 01-28-2016, 09:27 AM
 
2,439 posts, read 3,269,047 times
Reputation: 4879

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by ccc123 View Post
Why would someone even become involved with someone who didn't welcome their children?
As someone who didn't want children I may be able to throw some light on this.

#1) People with kids often don't want more. So they try to find someone who doesn't want or doesn't have kids.

When I was single I had many men try to date me with kids who didn't want more kids. I refused to date men with kids because I didn't want kids. Not theirs, not mine. However see #2 as to why some women may go ahead and marry a man with kids.

#2) It isn't that easy to find someone without kids who doesn't want kids.

There are many more men with kids who don't want kids than there are men without kids who don't want kids. Naturally one has to avoid the men without kids who want kids if one does not want kids. As you can see when you X out the ones who want kids and X out the ones with kids you end up with a very small set.

The best thing for people who have kids and are looking for another spouse is for them to stick with the people who want kids or have kids. Either way they should accept the fact that they are likely to end up with more kids if they should divorce the spouse they had kids with.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 01-28-2016, 09:40 AM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
10,864 posts, read 18,923,477 times
Reputation: 25123
And then there's the other side of the story. An example:

I know a guy in his 50's who married a coworker around the same age. She wanted a house. He bought the house with his savings. She wanted all new furniture. He bought the furniture. She needed a car, right after they got married. He bought the car for her. She wanted $2000 to loan to one of her adult children. He made the loan. She decided to move her other adult child, the spouse and three children into the couple's new house. When he said he hadn't planned on a houseful of children, she accused him of being selfish and uninterested in being a step-parent or a step-grandparent to her children. She's been mad at him ever since. Now he's totally broke and stuck supporting five extra people, in addition to the new wife who's so mad at him that she barely speaks to him.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-28-2016, 10:35 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
13,042 posts, read 7,210,583 times
Reputation: 50012
Well what if the child of the person you marry is a piece of crap? Just because you give life to someone doesn't mean the relationship remains a good one. Yes there is the possibility that the step parent is a narcissist, but there is always two sides to a coin.

My roller skating boyfriend was 84 and totally ignored over the holidays by his family. ( I say was because he was really sick three weeks ago and we still don't know if he's dead or alive. I look for him every Friday morning but so far he's a no show ) While I felt bad for him and invited him to celebrate with us, I also reserve judgment on his family because I don't know their story. He may have been a total rectum to his kids while they were growing up, and we often reap what we sew later in life with these situations.

There are also times in our life when you just can't relate because of different value systems. It doesn't make either side right or wrong. It just makes us human.

It was that way with John's family. They weren't my cup of tea, yet I was desperately in love with John. Should he not have married me because I didn't want anything to do with his family? I say no. It's been a wonderful 30 year union for both of us.

The rest of his family can go pound sand. I married a man, not a family.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-28-2016, 10:56 AM
 
15,200 posts, read 16,061,842 times
Reputation: 25121
Quote:
Originally Posted by animalcrazy View Post
Well what if the child of the person you marry is a piece of crap? Just because you give life to someone doesn't mean the relationship remains a good one. Yes there is the possibility that the step parent is a narcissist, but there is always two sides to a coin.

My roller skating boyfriend was 84 and totally ignored over the holidays by his family. ( I say was because he was really sick three weeks ago and we still don't know if he's dead or alive. I look for him every Friday morning but so far he's a no show ) While I felt bad for him and invited him to celebrate with us, I also reserve judgment on his family because I don't know their story. He may have been a total rectum to his kids while they were growing up, and we often reap what we sew later in life with these situations.

There are also times in our life when you just can't relate because of different value systems. It doesn't make either side right or wrong. It just makes us human.

It was that way with John's family. They weren't my cup of tea, yet I was desperately in love with John. Should he not have married me because I didn't want anything to do with his family? I say no. It's been a wonderful 30 year union for both of us.

The rest of his family can go pound sand. I married a man, not a family.
But did John have children when you married him?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-28-2016, 11:02 AM
 
1,347 posts, read 1,005,745 times
Reputation: 4391
Quote:
Originally Posted by animalcrazy View Post
Well what if the child of the person you marry is a piece of crap? Just because you give life to someone doesn't mean the relationship remains a good one. Yes there is the possibility that the step parent is a narcissist, but there is always two sides to a coin.

My roller skating boyfriend was 84 and totally ignored over the holidays by his family. ( I say was because he was really sick three weeks ago and we still don't know if he's dead or alive. I look for him every Friday morning but so far he's a no show ) While I felt bad for him and invited him to celebrate with us, I also reserve judgment on his family because I don't know their story. He may have been a total rectum to his kids while they were growing up, and we often reap what we sew later in life with these situations.

There are also times in our life when you just can't relate because of different value systems. It doesn't make either side right or wrong. It just makes us human.

It was that way with John's family. They weren't my cup of tea, yet I was desperately in love with John. Should he not have married me because I didn't want anything to do with his family? I say no. It's been a wonderful 30 year union for both of us.

The rest of his family can go pound sand. I married a man, not a family.
If by John's family you mean his children, then no I don't think he should have married you. I personally would never make a man choose between his children or his extended family and me. I don't have to like his extended family but I can be polite so he doesn't feel like he has to choose. If you marry someone who has a child who is a piece of crap, then guess what you have a stepchild who is a piece of crap. I've been a step-parent for 29 years and one of the kids was a real challenge. In and out of jail, always wanted to borrow money, drunken calls in the middle of the night etc. I still encouraged my spouse to remain in contact even if it was only phone calls and holiday visits in the really bad years. They were that childs parent before they were your spouse.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-28-2016, 11:04 AM
 
1,347 posts, read 1,005,745 times
Reputation: 4391
Quote:
Originally Posted by mic111 View Post
As someone who didn't want children I may be able to throw some light on this.

#1) People with kids often don't want more. So they try to find someone who doesn't want or doesn't have kids.

When I was single I had many men try to date me with kids who didn't want more kids. I refused to date men with kids because I didn't want kids. Not theirs, not mine. However see #2 as to why some women may go ahead and marry a man with kids.

#2) It isn't that easy to find someone without kids who doesn't want kids.

There are many more men with kids who don't want kids than there are men without kids who don't want kids. Naturally one has to avoid the men without kids who want kids if one does not want kids. As you can see when you X out the ones who want kids and X out the ones with kids you end up with a very small set.

The best thing for people who have kids and are looking for another spouse is for them to stick with the people who want kids or have kids. Either way they should accept the fact that they are likely to end up with more kids if they should divorce the spouse they had kids with.
Thanks for shedding some light on the subject. I do think after a certain age it's very hard to find someone who doesn't have kids.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-28-2016, 11:08 AM
 
1,347 posts, read 1,005,745 times
Reputation: 4391
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I have known children who this has happened to and it can be completely devastating to them. In one case (best friend of my son), while the children in his first family were literally having problems being able to find enough food to eat and having serious, serious financial problems, their father was taking his "new, little princess" on European vacations, buying her a horse, sending her to private schools, etc.

The father never even spoke to or sent birthday cards or contacted his first family for almost 20 years. He said that his new, much younger wife forbid him from seeing his children and said that she would leave him if he did. What a jerk. IMHO, both of them were jerks.


I know another case where the adult son found out, after both his parents died, that his dad had three children from a first marriage that he completely abandoned when he remarried. Apparently, dad had an affair and just left the state and never returned or had contact with his first family again. The adult son never knew that both of his parents had been married to other people when they first met. He was shocked and disillusioned and wondered if he had been wrong about his parents character the whole time he was growing up.
I have also known first families where the kids were wearing rags, getting free lunch etc. And the kids from the second family were living very well going on vacations, designer clothes etc. it's sickening how someone can do that.

As for the second case I don't know how you could ever feel the same way about your parents again if you found out something like that.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-28-2016, 11:10 AM
 
1,347 posts, read 1,005,745 times
Reputation: 4391
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
Question #1 for my husband's stepmother, who married a man with five children. My husband and his younger sister grew up in a house with a woman who told them openly she never wanted kids and complained about how much they cost and ate. Yeah, she's a peach.
Unfortunately my husband had a similar experience with his stepfather, just don't understand how anyone could say that to a child.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-28-2016, 11:11 AM
 
1,347 posts, read 1,005,745 times
Reputation: 4391
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
I don't understand this either. But more baffling to me is the parent who would get involved with someone like this.
I don't understand it either, I'm hoping maybe someone who has lived it will comment and explain.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-28-2016, 11:14 AM
 
1,347 posts, read 1,005,745 times
Reputation: 4391
[quote=Hedgehog_Mom;42806745]And then there's the other side of the story. An example:

I know a guy in his 50's who married a coworker around the same age. She wanted a house. He bought the house with his savings. She wanted all new furniture. He bought the furniture. She needed a car, right after they got married. He bought the car for her. She wanted $2000 to loan to one of her adult children. He made the loan. She decided to move her other adult child, the spouse and three children into the couple's new house. When he said he hadn't planned on a houseful of children, she accused him of being selfish and uninterested in being a step-parent or a step-grandparent to her children. She's been mad at him ever since. Now he's totally broke and stuck supporting five extra people, in addition to the new wife who's so mad at him that she barely speaks to him.[/QUOTE

The house, furniture and car should have been clues that maybe this was a bad idea. This is a totally different situation then what I was asking about.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top