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Old 01-28-2016, 11:22 AM
 
770 posts, read 563,433 times
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I can shed some light .

my wife and I have been together for 8 years. she has a 12 year old from a previous marriage, we have a 2 year old together

the 12 year old has had a tv with nintendo in her room, was taken away for stealing $40 out of moms purse

the 12 year old had her own land line, was taken away permanently after she called 911, then hung up, then cops showed up

12 year old has had another tv, fish tank, another nintendo, and so on and so on, the 12 year old has always found a way to get everything taken away.

If, and I do mean IF, the our two year old daughter is different, as in she follows our common sense rules, doesn't call the cops on herself, all of that stuff will never get taken away ....

then you will see a houshold where the "step daughter" as you call it, has nothing , and the "spoiled daughter" has everything ..

we have also asked the 12 year old to come on vacations with us, and she refuses, saying she'd rather stay at her freinds house. one vacation we brought her anyway, another we let her stay home.. with a babysitter of course. .

not all kids turn out the same, and not all kids follow the rules. and I sure as hell am not letting someone who steals money, calls the cops, gets in trouble at school, walk around with every toy in the world and be a spoiled brat.
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Old 01-28-2016, 11:42 AM
 
1,346 posts, read 1,003,283 times
Reputation: 4390
Quote:
Originally Posted by 191185 View Post
I can shed some light .

my wife and I have been together for 8 years. she has a 12 year old from a previous marriage, we have a 2 year old together

the 12 year old has had a tv with nintendo in her room, was taken away for stealing $40 out of moms purse

the 12 year old had her own land line, was taken away permanently after she called 911, then hung up, then cops showed up

12 year old has had another tv, fish tank, another nintendo, and so on and so on, the 12 year old has always found a way to get everything taken away.

If, and I do mean IF, the our two year old daughter is different, as in she follows our common sense rules, doesn't call the cops on herself, all of that stuff will never get taken away ....

then you will see a houshold where the "step daughter" as you call it, has nothing , and the "spoiled daughter" has everything ..

we have also asked the 12 year old to come on vacations with us, and she refuses, saying she'd rather stay at her freinds house. one vacation we brought her anyway, another we let her stay home.. with a babysitter of course. .

not all kids turn out the same, and not all kids follow the rules. and I sure as hell am not letting someone who steals money, calls the cops, gets in trouble at school, walk around with every toy in the world and be a spoiled brat.
Totally agree with you if you can't behave you don't get extras doesn't matter if step,bio or adopted child everyone treated the same. What I can't understand is the people who marry someone with children knowing they want nothing to do with them or even worse resent them being in the home.
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Old 01-28-2016, 12:28 PM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,275,204 times
Reputation: 8481
Quote:
Originally Posted by 191185 View Post
I can shed some light .

my wife and I have been together for 8 years. she has a 12 year old from a previous marriage, we have a 2 year old together

the 12 year old has had a tv with nintendo in her room, was taken away for stealing $40 out of moms purse

the 12 year old had her own land line, was taken away permanently after she called 911, then hung up, then cops showed up

12 year old has had another tv, fish tank, another nintendo, and so on and so on, the 12 year old has always found a way to get everything taken away.

If, and I do mean IF, the our two year old daughter is different, as in she follows our common sense rules, doesn't call the cops on herself, all of that stuff will never get taken away ....

then you will see a houshold where the "step daughter" as you call it, has nothing , and the "spoiled daughter" has everything ..

we have also asked the 12 year old to come on vacations with us, and she refuses, saying she'd rather stay at her freinds house. one vacation we brought her anyway, another we let her stay home.. with a babysitter of course. .

not all kids turn out the same, and not all kids follow the rules. and I sure as hell am not letting someone who steals money, calls the cops, gets in trouble at school, walk around with every toy in the world and be a spoiled brat.
There has to be more back story on this. Unless the kid has severe mental disturbance problems, kids don't just act like this. There is usually a good reason. 99.99% of kids are not just "bad".
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Old 01-28-2016, 12:28 PM
 
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If they didn't want anything to do with my children or grandchildren they would be history
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Old 01-28-2016, 12:32 PM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,275,204 times
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Originally Posted by ccc123 View Post
I'm puzzled by something and hoping someone can explain it to me. Why do people who don't want to be a step-parent and or step grandparent marry people with children? Know of a couple who have no desire to be involved in the child's life at all. Doesn't seem to matter if the child is still a minor or not? They are perfectly content with trying to get their spouses to distance themselves from children and/or grandchildren. Or they would like new spouse to start a second family with them and ignore first family.I just don't understand why you would get involved with someone who already had children if you didn't want them in your life. I never realized this was so common until recently from reading posts on social media and from CD. Why would someone even become involved with someone who didn't welcome their children?
Most of the time it is indifference and jealousy to kids who are not biologically from the step parent. They never developed strong bonds with the kids when they were babies and don't feel that the kids really deserve love.

Sometimes, however, there may be another reason. Sometimes parents have two different parenting belief systems. If the birth parent has one value system regarding raising the kids and the step-parent has a completely different one, it may be best for the step parent to simply disengage on a lot of matters.
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Old 01-28-2016, 12:51 PM
 
11,229 posts, read 9,225,730 times
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Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
Most of the time it is indifference and jealousy to kids who are not biologically from the step parent. They never developed strong bonds with the kids when they were babies and don't feel that the kids really deserve love.

Sometimes, however, there may be another reason. Sometimes parents have two different parenting belief systems. If the birth parent has one value system regarding raising the kids and the step-parent has a completely different one, it may be best for the step parent to simply disengage on a lot of matters.
How to you get all the way to married without figuring this out?
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Old 01-28-2016, 12:58 PM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,275,204 times
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Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
How to you get all the way to married without figuring this out?
Lots of people don't take lots of things into consideration before getting married.
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Old 01-28-2016, 01:00 PM
 
8,374 posts, read 7,362,552 times
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Let me tell you how I feel about it as I am a step father.

When I married my wife, I also in my heart married her 2 1/2 year old son. There is no such thing, as step in our family.

The son has never even met his biological father, as they were divorced a month before he was born. I am the only father he ever knew.

We have 4 children of our own, and he considers them all his siblings, as they do him.

When we took him to meet my parents before we got married, at that moment he became their grandparents as far as they were concerned, and he considered them his grandparents all the rest of their lives.

As far as I cam concerned, once you marry a person with children, they are your children as much as any more children you may have together. If you cannot do that, then you have no business marrying that man or woman, if you are not at the same time marrying their children in your heart.

I adopted him, and he was legally my child as well as morally. The father was very erratic in paying his child support. I called him up, and told him I was going to adopt the boy which would eliminate all future child support, and would forget the missed and owning child support. If not, then we were going to pursue all back/missed child support and future support had to be paid on time. He immediately agreed to sign away his parental rights so I could adopt him.

Anyone that marries someone with children and will not also take on the responsibilities of their children, and love them as your own, you are not much of a man or woman.

My stepson, was my paternal grandmothers favorite great grandchild from a large number of them, as she was frail and would be in bed a lot, and he would go in and sit on the bed with her and they would talk and connect for hours at a time when we would take him over to see her. She said he was the one great grandchild that really wanted to be with her, not just run in say HI and leave to play when they were small.

This son, died a year ago last September at 64 years old. I and all his siblings have really missed him.
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Old 01-28-2016, 01:36 PM
 
770 posts, read 563,433 times
Reputation: 1475
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
There has to be more back story on this. Unless the kid has severe mental disturbance problems, kids don't just act like this. There is usually a good reason. 99.99% of kids are not just "bad".
How many kids do you have again ? by your response I will say 0. But I'm sure you will come back and say you raised 3 scholars, by yourself, and two are doctors , and one lawyer.


Kids are not just "bad" ? have you not scrolled down these forums, and read all the different threads started by many different people, who are at their wits with there teenage daughter / son who won't move out/ go to college / stop smoking pot / stop getting pregnant ?!

what do you think those kids acted like when they were 12 ? saints ?
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Old 01-28-2016, 01:52 PM
 
11,229 posts, read 9,225,730 times
Reputation: 14654
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Originally Posted by oldtrader View Post
Let me tell you how I feel about it as I am a step father.

When I married my wife, I also in my heart married her 2 1/2 year old son. There is no such thing, as step in our family.

The son has never even met his biological father, as they were divorced a month before he was born. I am the only father he ever knew.

We have 4 children of our own, and he considers them all his siblings, as they do him.

When we took him to meet my parents before we got married, at that moment he became their grandparents as far as they were concerned, and he considered them his grandparents all the rest of their lives.
Someone asked my mother recently how many grandchildren she had. She answered. Her friend said, oh you are including your step grand kids. Mom answered, yah, my grand kids.

Quote:
As far as I cam concerned, once you marry a person with children, they are your children as much as any more children you may have together. If you cannot do that, then you have no business marrying that man or woman, if you are not at the same time marrying their children in your heart.

I adopted him, and he was legally my child as well as morally. The father was very erratic in paying his child support. I called him up, and told him I was going to adopt the boy which would eliminate all future child support, and would forget the missed and owning child support. If not, then we were going to pursue all back/missed child support and future support had to be paid on time. He immediately agreed to sign away his parental rights so I could adopt him.

Anyone that marries someone with children and will not also take on the responsibilities of their children, and love them as your own, you are not much of a man or woman.

My stepson, was my paternal grandmothers favorite great grandchild from a large number of them, as she was frail and would be in bed a lot, and he would go in and sit on the bed with her and they would talk and connect for hours at a time when we would take him over to see her. She said he was the one great grandchild that really wanted to be with her, not just run in say HI and leave to play when they were small.

This son, died a year ago last September at 64 years old. I and all his siblings have really missed him.
I am very sorry for your loss.
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