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Old 01-28-2016, 06:53 PM
 
15,758 posts, read 13,184,034 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
Jeez....regimented! ...but also bribed with big bucks. This seems hugely controlling - especially checking on grades SEVERAL times a week. That's practically every assignment. I hope getting a C on one assignment doesn't push the driver's license back 3 months.

If it works for you great - but I'd be concerned about what might happen in college. There's a lot of room between what the OP is doing and your approach so something in the middle.
It is a recipe for preventing children from developing internal motivation.
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Old 01-28-2016, 06:57 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lkb0714 View Post
It is a recipe for preventing children from developing internal motivation.
Nope. It's a recipe for getting them going with an internal locus of control.
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Old 01-28-2016, 07:19 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Chloe333 View Post
If any grades fall below a B in our family, privileges are lost. They are gained back once the grades go back up. I check grades online several times a week. If high school grades fall below a 3.0 then getting a license is pushed back by 3 months. Their Grandpa also pays my kids for their grades. The scale starts at a 3.0 which earns $300 and goes up per grade point by $50 to $800 for a 4.0 at the end of the semester. Also, we have our kids watch 'Where There's A Will There's an A' to give them solid study strategies. This has been a huge help, and that program helped me maintain high grades in high school and college back in the day. The strategies would apply to middle school, and there is a middle school program available on Amazon. Buy the VHS tape and take it somewhere to burn to a DVD. I set a solid plan of action for my kids study routine. Our high schooler puts in two hours minimum of studying per night and we set the timer. He puts in 3 hours both on Saturday and Sunday broken into 3 segments. He studies/does homework for an hour then takes a 30 minute break to do a 30 minute Peloton spin class or a run during the week, and on weekends his breaks are mostly movies. He then studies for another hour and then does ten minutes of push ups sit ups during the week. This is what your daughter needs. She needs needs a solid plan and routine laid out with nightly sub goals to achieve the larger overriding goals of good grades to learn perseverance, self discipline, and goal setting. It's like a muscle she needs to develop, and you need to be her coach for now. Otherwise, it's too overwhelming and difficult to tackle for a lot of kids. They need a plan and schedule to follow, and the adults need to set this up at first. Success will build on success, and she will begin to feel proud of her achievement. Now, you have momentum going in a positive direction as she has her first taste of achievement and success, and will want more. Later, she will likely be able to do it on her own. I highly recommend 'Where There's A Will There's An A.' My grades shot up after I learned those strategies back in the day! Read the review of this program on Amazon, and you will see that it has helped people.
Seems very Tiger Momish. I'm glad it works for your family, but I have a fundamental problem with children being paid for grades. It should be expected that they perform to the best of their capabilities. Be sure that they are following this rigor because it is something they want, as opposed to doing it either just for money or parental control.
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Old 01-28-2016, 07:21 PM
 
Location: Raleigh NC
5,284 posts, read 4,569,699 times
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Originally Posted by rrah View Post
You have two problems here: one is with your daughter and her poor study habits, and the other with your wife failing to support you in creating a parental team of sorts or a united front as you put it.

First, apologize to your daughter privately. Apologize for the way your behaved and explain that it is not the way to handle a problem. DO NOT apologize for your frustration and for wanting her to study/do her homework. Next, ask her what she thinks the solution is for her homework issues. Really listen and come up with a plan together. No matter what the plan is, she should absolutely NOT have a phone available to her while studying at this point. It's a distraction for her. Instead of studying in her room she should be in a public part of the house. The kitchen table worked well for many generations. Suggest some ways she can set goals in studying. Small bits work well for some kids. For example she might read for 20 or 30 minutes and then be allowed to get a snack or stretch for a bit. Things like that work well. Also at age 13 YOU should not be constantly supervising her studying. Sometimes you need to let them fail.
This is exactly what I was going to say. My youngest is 15 and acts EXACTLY as you describe. EXACTLY! She will often get motivated and make a plan to be a better student, study industriously for a night or two, then fall off the wagon.

Her newest plan is to get that cute boy in her Civics class to tutor her in Spanish. Lucky me, she plans to meet with him at the public library where I work.

I don't give my kids too hard a time about cursing. If they are using it for shock value, don't act shocked.

Do you have a way to check her assignments and grades online? Our district has Powerschools and I get daily emails that tell me what has been entered into the electronic gradebook. Makes it harder for her to hide things from me.

IMHO you should take the phone away during 'study time' and she can't have it back until homework is done. If she lies and tells you she has no homework, take it away for a day or so until she acts remorseful.

I don't think you need to make too big a deal about your argument. Stuff happens, and she created the situation with her procrastination! (Btw, I did have my daughter tested for ADD...she came out very borderline, not really a candidate for meds)
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Old 01-28-2016, 07:24 PM
 
2,241 posts, read 2,191,662 times
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Originally Posted by rrah View Post
While that might have worked very well for your children, many children are capable of getting fantastic grades without that kind of control. Both of my kids learned to study without bribes, threats of punishment, etc. It was simply expected that they would do the best they were capable of doing in school from the start. Both graduated from high school with GPA's in the top 3% of their classes-where a number of peers went to great colleges. One finished college with a 3.97 GPA. The other finished with a 3.8 GPA. Both have fantastic careers that allowed them to be completely self-supporting at age 21 with money left over to have significant savings.

It sure as heck didn't take that for them to be success. Glad it works for you, but there is not a one size fits all solution for learning.
I agree with this. My parents learned early on that such a rigid approach was not going to work with me. After being cooped up in school for 7 hours, the last thing I needed was more structure. I probably spent more than 2 hours per night on homework each night in high school, but it was because that's how long it took to complete the assignments, not because I was required to set a clock and study for a fixed amount of time. My mom would actually tell me to not stay up so late completing assignments, it was my own internal which caused it.
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Old 01-28-2016, 07:47 PM
 
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Originally Posted by cheapdad00 View Post
I agree with this. My parents learned early on that such a rigid approach was not going to work with me. After being cooped up in school for 7 hours, the last thing I needed was more structure. I probably spent more than 2 hours per night on homework each night in high school, but it was because that's how long it took to complete the assignments, not because I was required to set a clock and study for a fixed amount of time. My mom would actually tell me to not stay up so late completing assignments, it was my own internal which caused it.
It's a different world now. America's middle class is dwindling, and it's harder to make it here. Many young people are drowning in college debt, and don't make enough to pay it back and establish their lives. They may not even find jobs. I'm nowhere near as tough as a Tiger Mom, but I've picked up some of her sentiments to increase the odds that my kids aren't one of the many who are lost, barely making it, and left behind in this country. Two solid hours a night during the week to study/complete homework is not excessive in high school. Three hours per day on Saturday and Sunday broken into one hour segments is not much either. Plenty of time for leisure and fun while still laying the foundation and skills for a decent life in this ever increasingly more difficult to survive world we live in.
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Old 01-28-2016, 08:02 PM
 
15,758 posts, read 13,184,034 times
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Originally Posted by Chloe333 View Post
Nope. It's a recipe for getting them going with an internal locus of control.
As a teacher of gifted students for over ten years we will just have to agree to disagree.
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Old 01-28-2016, 08:44 PM
 
668 posts, read 343,528 times
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Originally Posted by lkb0714 View Post
As a teacher of gifted students for over ten years we will just have to agree to disagree.
I've got two master's degrees and my job is to evaluate, diagnose, and treat students in my specific field, and I work closely with other clinicians across other specialties in the schools K-12. With 17 years of experience, I know a thing or two as well but am happy to agree to disagree.
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Old 01-28-2016, 08:56 PM
 
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You can apologize privately for losing your cool.

OTOH, I would set up the kitchen table or dining room table for doing homework and set up a schedule with both kids.

Take a look at this book. It details a good way to approach homework, imo.

Robot Check
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Old 01-28-2016, 09:50 PM
 
9,289 posts, read 5,790,770 times
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Originally Posted by Chloe333 View Post
You could maybe talk to the teachers and ask them if they feel she has any learning weaknesses. To put your mind at ease, it is highly unlikely she would have made it through to middle school without having been referred by the schools for testing by the school psychologist if they suspected she had a learning disability. This is largely caught early on in the lower grades in first through third grades. The school would have contacted you at some point in elementary school if they suspected any learning problems. One disability that often flies under the radar though is auditory processing disorder, and this manifests as trouble listening, following directions, and early reading/decoding problems.
That is exactly what I was thinking of. A friend's daughter was diagnosed at age 16. Needless to say, they were quite surprised.
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