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Old 01-31-2016, 09:24 PM
 
Location: middle tennessee
1,837 posts, read 858,182 times
Reputation: 6525

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Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
I'm afraid that you will regret it if you get in touch with the biofather. Life is good now. You love this boy. I suggest you and your wife speak with an attorney about getting biofather's rights terminated, and adopt the boy.
this is what I would do.

You and your wife are in a difficult spot emotionally. This could be a comfort to you both. I appreciate and applaud your feelings about your son.
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Old 02-01-2016, 11:40 AM
 
2,054 posts, read 990,188 times
Reputation: 3925
Quote:
Originally Posted by callmejohn View Post
I am the stepfather of a wonderfull 6 year old boy. I have been with his mother since he was two months old. I fell in love with him as much as i did his mother. He has called me dad since he could talk and has no idea that I am not his real father...I feel like it would do more damage then good to tell him untill he is old enough to understand (probably 10-12 but we will handle that as it comes). The thing me and my wife are having trouble with is...he has denied from the beginning that the boy was his. After hearing the storry from my wife and seeing pictures of the man...I know with very high certainty that he is. So lets just assume that for now. we have tried to keep track of him in some way (social media and other places) so that when I do tell my son the truth if he has question about his biological father we can answer them...also medical history is sometimes needed and i would like to have that information if necessary. Also we have found out (through) social media that he had another baby...so now my son technically has a half sister. We plan on contacting the woman involved to inform her that her daughter has a half brother...I just feel like she needs to know. seeing as this man is going around making babies and leaving them (the woman and him have split up) I feel like this man should start paying child support so if nothing else he has consequences for what he is doing. My wife is affraid that if we locate him and take him to court for child support that he would then have custody rights. I would be fine with him seeing his biological son in the future but not right now seeing as i have not told the boy...so if we did press for child support and he started paying would he instantly be given rights to see the boy (he was informed that the boy was his ...he sent a $500 check and disapeared) So do judges take that into consideration. As i stated if he payed child support to prove he would be a man about it...then down the road i would be ok with them meeting, But i would rather not have the child support if he would instantly be in MY sons life. So can anybody point me in the direction of any information on how this would be handled legaly?
Quote:
Originally Posted by dblackga View Post
Attorney, attorney, attorney.

I don't have a sense that you need child support as much as you would like to use the child support laws to "punish" this man for making babies and running away from them.

So, what do you want most? Child support? Or the freedom you have now not to have to coordinate you and your child's life with a man who is at best irresponsible, and and worst, a very negative influence on your child?
You really only know what your wife told you about her relationship with this man; you don't know the other womans' story ( for all you know she could have broken up with him or they could get back together in the future). As to siring children and leaving them, yeah it's bad behavior but it isn't any of your business what this man does as long as it doesn't directly affect your son. Legally you have no rights as to your stepson so you should get working on adopting him before you go after child support/custody.
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Old 02-01-2016, 11:46 AM
 
15,208 posts, read 16,088,461 times
Reputation: 25165
You definitely should contact a family law attorney to discuss all your options.

While you're at it, talk to a good family counselor as well to talk about the best way to explain to the child that you're not his bio dad. I would NOT leave it til he's 12 years old. Those teen years are tough enough to navigate. Better to tell him sooner, while he still thinks you hung the moon, rather than later, when he thinks you're an idiot.
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Old 02-01-2016, 04:38 PM
 
13,022 posts, read 12,495,990 times
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If you consider him to be your child, are married to his mother and don't want the father in the picture, then with your wife's agreement, start proceedings to adopt your son NOW. Don't wait because that could create quite the legal tangle if anything bad happens.

Now is also the time to inform your son about his biological origins, imo. I'm assuming it's not a secret, so it could happen that he finds out from another source, which would be horrible. Consult a child psychologist on the best way to do this. But I would emphasize that while some fathers are biological, you are his father by choice and that is what makes your bond with him so special.

I am the daughter of a man who could not biologically have children. He didn't want me told (he is quite old so has a different way of thinking), so I didn't find out until I was in my 20s. While I am annoyed at the confusion it caused me (I am very different from even my mother's family), I am touched that I never realized that my father was anything but my biological dad because he chose to love me so completely. He is my rock.

If you contact the biodad, it should be to inform him that his parental rights are being terminated. From there, just keep tabs on him from time to time, which shouldn't be hard with social media and his tendency to reproduce willy nilly. Your son may have unanswered questions or genetic issues that would make this the smart thing to do.
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Old 02-02-2016, 12:44 AM
 
6 posts, read 5,542 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
but he is not your son.
not biologically...but in every other way he is....I do NOT need to be told again what i already know about not being able to legally do anything myself.....I KNoooooooow that and i have stated that is not what the hell i am asking why do people just pop in on forums with serious question and just add bull****?
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Old 02-02-2016, 12:48 AM
 
6 posts, read 5,542 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
You definitely should contact a family law attorney to discuss all your options.

While you're at it, talk to a good family counselor as well to talk about the best way to explain to the child that you're not his bio dad. I would NOT leave it til he's 12 years old. Those teen years are tough enough to navigate. Better to tell him sooner, while he still thinks you hung the moon, rather than later, when he thinks you're an idiot.
really appreciate the advice...as for waiting the only thing i am waiting for is until he can understand when i say I am not his biological father ...i have talked to him about certain things and can tell certain things i say he just draws a blank and has no idea what the difference is...so in the next few years "as soon as he can understand" I will tell him. thank you for your positive advice. seems hard for some people.
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Old 02-02-2016, 12:59 AM
 
6 posts, read 5,542 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
If you consider him to be your child, are married to his mother and don't want the father in the picture, then with your wife's agreement, start proceedings to adopt your son NOW. Don't wait because that could create quite the legal tangle if anything bad happens.

Now is also the time to inform your son about his biological origins, imo. I'm assuming it's not a secret, so it could happen that he finds out from another source, which would be horrible. Consult a child psychologist on the best way to do this. But I would emphasize that while some fathers are biological, you are his father by choice and that is what makes your bond with him so special.

I am the daughter of a man who could not biologically have children. He didn't want me told (he is quite old so has a different way of thinking), so I didn't find out until I was in my 20s. While I am annoyed at the confusion it caused me (I am very different from even my mother's family), I am touched that I never realized that my father was anything but my biological dad because he chose to love me so completely. He is my rock.

If you contact the biodad, it should be to inform him that his parental rights are being terminated. From there, just keep tabs on him from time to time, which shouldn't be hard with social media and his tendency to reproduce willy nilly. Your son may have unanswered questions or genetic issues that would make this the smart thing to do.
That is honestly the main route we are trying to take...I looked into the termination of rights thing already and from what I found it is up to a judge and can not just be done because we think it should. I mainly wanted to contact him for the purpose of getting medical background to know what to look for and thats about it. The child support thing was mostly me being pissed that guys go around doing this (sometimes with many many kids) and they keep doing it because someone else fills there shoes and they have no consequences for their actions. In a way i feel like him having to pay support would make him not do it anymore. But that brings the custody thing in to play and it just isn't worth it. thank you for your opinion and advice. As for waiting i just can't imagine how i could say it to him without it being devastating...so I feel like if he is at the point where he can truly understand it might not be such a "daddy isn't daddy" situation. And honestly it just crushes me thinking about telling him I am not his father...I just think it would hurt him more right now because all he would understand is i am not his dad. when he can understand the difference and as soon as he can understand I will tell him. thank you again for your input.
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Old 02-02-2016, 01:12 AM
 
Location: Texas
42,307 posts, read 49,905,562 times
Reputation: 67196
My advice?
Get the guy to sign away any parental rights he has.
NEVER tell your kid you aren't his 'real dad.'
Move on and forget about it.
The medical stuff is b.s. You can get genetic tests done.
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Old 02-02-2016, 01:20 AM
 
6 posts, read 5,542 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
The medical stuff is b.s. You can get genetic tests done.
I know test can be done...but my wifes father was adopted and there has been many times that knowing his biological medical history would have been helpfull.
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Old 02-02-2016, 04:12 AM
 
Location: Texas
42,307 posts, read 49,905,562 times
Reputation: 67196
Quote:
Originally Posted by callmejohn View Post
I know test can be done...but my wifes father was adopted and there has been many times that knowing his biological medical history would have been helpfull.
Like...?
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