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Old 02-05-2016, 10:43 AM
 
Location: USA
7,778 posts, read 9,621,396 times
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Sometimes it's interesting to see what others think about things that happened years ago and come to mind. It doesn't necessarily mean a person is dwelling on those things. I think it could easily take years for a woman to realize actions from her mother could have been jealousy, whereas as a girl, she wouldn't have recognized it. My mother did many strange things for which I was clueless at the time and still clueless for some of it. Occasionally, something will remind me of it, but it doesn't happen often.

A friend says her mother went through a period of acting seductive around her son-in-law. It took her awhile to notice, but once she did, it was obvious. Eventually, it stopped.
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Old 02-05-2016, 01:09 PM
 
218 posts, read 221,445 times
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OP, I understand exactly how you feel. And it's okay for you to feel the way you do. Your mother's behavior is hurtful and demoralizing. Try not to let it affect your outlook in life.

I find a very effective strategy to manage bad behavior is to flat out ignore it. Do not give any verbal or non-verbal (body language) reward to her hurtful behaviors. Act like you didn't even hear the remark. Eventually she will stop because she isn't getting her favored response.

Good luck.
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Old 02-05-2016, 03:08 PM
 
7 posts, read 5,198 times
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Geez, it's not as if this has caused me to ruin my life or that it's something that I stress over every day. In fact I do try to ignore it and get it out of my head, but it just hurts and is hard to ignore the times I talk with my mother and she has to bring up some very mean and hurtful comment reminding me of it, that's all.
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Old 02-05-2016, 03:22 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
10,865 posts, read 18,923,477 times
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My mom did that, always put me down. She would tell me I looked like a prostitute in some outfits and then when I got home from work, I'd notice that those clothes were gone, and she'd come home wearing them later. She always told me and my sisters that we were too fat to ever have a man love us or marry us. When I got married, she was overly interested in seeing my husband's body. He knew what she was up to and he'd walk around in a towel or pretend to be asleep with just the corner of the sheet covering him when she walked into our bedroom without permission (she'd come over and head straight for my bedroom closet to rummage through my belongings, the first year that I was married).

My mother is a narcissist and it has helped me to understand some of her behaviors.
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Old 02-05-2016, 05:13 PM
 
Location: Lafayette, LA
3,270 posts, read 2,482,093 times
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Wow. This sounds so very much like a post from "I'm Retired Now"
Same exact syntax and all. If it is, reps to you for changing up your scenario!

But in case it's not....I understand the mother being "jealous" of the daughter's looks----it happens! But the situations described are so over the top as to not be believable.
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Old 02-05-2016, 05:36 PM
 
1,288 posts, read 992,349 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sisterwoes View Post
Geez, it's not as if this has caused me to ruin my life or that it's something that I stress over every day. In fact I do try to ignore it and get it out of my head, but it just hurts and is hard to ignore the times I talk with my mother and she has to bring up some very mean and hurtful comment reminding me of it, that's all.
The fact that it bothers you to this extent is reason for concern. My mother is also very toxic. Has been ALL my life. Over the years, I learned healthy, self-loving ways to not let her negative behavior impact me. Work on loving yourself so much that your mom's rude comments will roll off you like water on oil. Thats when you will know you're on the right track.
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Old 02-05-2016, 05:51 PM
 
Location: Gig Harbor, WA
305 posts, read 120,637 times
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My mom wasn't jealous of her daughters even though none of us would ever get called ugly, but my mom has issues with weight. She herself is unimaginably skinny, especially when you know she's had six kids...

She ends up making comments to my sisters and me, and we've all learned to block it out. We love her, we're not going to let it ruin our relationship with her, so as others have said, just let it go.

I know it's hard, five days after I had my daughter I had my family telling me how good I looked, and at the time I really needed to hear it, but my Mom said something along the lines of, "it's been five days, honey that's how I looked five minutes after you were born" - ouch. So this isn't advice that I haven't had to swallow myself, it's hard to let go of hurt, (I mean here I am telling you about that comment...) but I know my mom didn't mean to be cruel or critical - she was just projecting her own insecurities. So just learn to let it go, it's not you, it's her.
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Old 02-05-2016, 06:41 PM
 
668 posts, read 343,885 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sisterwoes View Post
Geez, it's not as if this has caused me to ruin my life or that it's something that I stress over every day. In fact I do try to ignore it and get it out of my head, but it just hurts and is hard to ignore the times I talk with my mother and she has to bring up some very mean and hurtful comment reminding me of it, that's all.
You could try drawing boundaries with her by saying, 'Your remarks are rude and hurtful. I do not treat you in this way, and I expect you to give me the same respect.' If she is toxic, she will 1. Deny she said hurtful remarks and rewrite history aka crazy-making and lying 2. Accuse you of being too sensitive or silly and invalidate your feelings 3. Turn the tables on you, and accuse you of hurting HER by accusing her of such awful things and YOU are mean to HER. If she is THAT toxic with these classic dysfunctional 101 behaviors, I would get into a few therapy sessions to sort through her patterns and how she has affected you, and possibly that she has some type of personality disorder like NPD or histrionic. You DO have every right to feel hurt, disturbed, and confused by her mean, undermining, and unloving remarks!

Last edited by Chloe333; 02-05-2016 at 07:43 PM..
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Old 02-05-2016, 07:45 PM
 
Location: Sydney, Australia
10,053 posts, read 7,013,878 times
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Well, my aunt is jealous of my sister's looks. She's jealous of a lot of other women.

And the thing is, she's actually pretty herself. Lots of men chase after her.
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Old 02-06-2016, 08:32 AM
 
151 posts, read 103,944 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chloe333 View Post
OP, if you think your mother could be a narcissist, then you should go to the website 'Daughters of Narcissists.' I've checked that site out a few times to try to get a better sense of how my ex-mother in law affected her own kids. Being the child of a narcissist can have some pretty damaging effects.
This. My mother was always very cruel to me growing up. It took getting older and enrolling in psychology classes to find out why.
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