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Old 02-10-2016, 01:53 AM
 
Location: Independent Republic of Ballard
6,173 posts, read 4,401,457 times
Reputation: 3890

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Quote:
Originally Posted by pkbab5 View Post
Did you mean to say that you cannot afford school loans? The only person I know in that situation cannot get school loans because she is under... Um... 23 I think, and she cannot get any school loans because the FAFSA takes into account her parents income because of her age. Her parents make good money, so she cannot get loans. But her parents spend all their money on crap and refuse to pay the amount the FAFSA says is the expected parental contribution. She can't get a college loan until she ages out in several years.

Is that your situation? She can't get loans because you make too much money but you spent it all on something else? Because if so, that may be why she is so mad.
Bingo.
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Old 02-10-2016, 04:53 AM
 
10,428 posts, read 7,527,771 times
Reputation: 18409
They will find a way to self-medicate. Take away the booze from your home and she will be elsewhere. Or, if she stays, she will be using another means of self-medicating, if it's even possible for her to stop the drinking.

I think you need help with her and there are professionals out there who can begin seeing you and hopefully work up to the whole family. But be sure they have a focus on adolescents.

There might be something out there that is awesome enough to bribe her away from her behavior.

On the other hand, she may get tired of that pattern and, when she moves out, might leave it behind. Big if.
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Old 02-10-2016, 05:22 AM
 
3,614 posts, read 2,713,056 times
Reputation: 4986
Quote:
Originally Posted by LBWB View Post
When I say "top of class," I mean AMONG the top -- maybe top quarter. Most financial experts say to strongly consider comm college -- then spend your money at a 4-year school after most prerequisites are completed, which is our plan. I forgot to mention her immaturity: If she had gone away for her freshman year, I think she would have done worse than staying at home, where at least there's care, concern and some oversight (more than most kids away from home, albeit more mature, are getting). But too late to argue that.

What's wrong with this post is that I don't know how to help her and fear that she'll entrench herself in habits she'll take with her. Where does she get the booze? She looks older, has older friends. AA? She wouldn't be open to it, though I'll try. Put her out on street? No -- though there's not much other recourse for an adult child. Anti-depressants? Her doctor said no. Psychologist? That helps a little. She'll likely improve in another year or so when hopefully she'll leave for a university, out from "under" us, but my fear is that it will be too late to shake this drinking habit. I do appreciate any constructive advice that will help me parent a young adult that's making bad decisions in this regard. Good decisions in other areas....
You got very bad advice about college, top quarter of her class with the EC's you mentioned she would have been in line for numerous scholarships at 100's of colleges across the country with net costs probably less than you are paying now. She should have also been given responsibilities growing up so at age 18 she would have been ready to leave for college. By all means have her see a counselor but more so, if she wants to go away to college, start looking and get her out of the house. For better students, spending 2 years at a CC often costs more than going directly to a 4 year college. What were her ACT/SAT scores? What was her high school GPA?
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Old 02-10-2016, 06:43 AM
 
11,616 posts, read 19,760,598 times
Reputation: 12056
Quote:
Originally Posted by LBWB View Post
When I say "top of class," I mean AMONG the top -- maybe top quarter. Most financial experts say to strongly consider comm college -- then spend your money at a 4-year school after most prerequisites are completed, which is our plan. I forgot to mention her immaturity: If she had gone away for her freshman year, I think she would have done worse than staying at home, where at least there's care, concern and some oversight (more than most kids away from home, albeit more mature, are getting). But too late to argue that.

What's wrong with this post is that I don't know how to help her and fear that she'll entrench herself in habits she'll take with her. Where does she get the booze? She looks older, has older friends. AA? She wouldn't be open to it, though I'll try. Put her out on street? No -- though there's not much other recourse for an adult child. Anti-depressants? Her doctor said no. Psychologist? That helps a little. She'll likely improve in another year or so when hopefully she'll leave for a university, out from "under" us, but my fear is that it will be too late to shake this drinking habit. I do appreciate any constructive advice that will help me parent a young adult that's making bad decisions in this regard. Good decisions in other areas....
Have you spoken to her, calmly and without judgement about your concerns?
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Old 02-10-2016, 07:42 AM
 
Location: USA
2,446 posts, read 1,808,296 times
Reputation: 3845
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunshinelove0000 View Post

To those saying it's better for her to drink in a controlled, safe environment I have one word for you: enabling.
Very much so..... While it does seem like a great idea because they aren't out drinking & driving. It actually does more harm than good. It's telling older teens/young adults that they can't be trusted on how to act responsibly when drinking and let them learn from their consequences. Then if they are freely to drink at home, they might think it's okay to drink all the time & getting hammered
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Old 02-10-2016, 08:34 AM
 
Location: Seminole County, FL
7,819 posts, read 5,385,297 times
Reputation: 9525
When I was 18-19, I was attending community college. But I also had a job, girlfriends, etc. And I drank a lot.
My mother does not want alcohol in her house, nor did she want me being out all night.
Her response to my lifestyle: Either live with my rules, or live elsewhere.

I moved... For 6 months... Then came back and followed her rules until I could PROPERLY afford to move out.

You're the parent, regardless of how old she is. It's your house. Set rules and enforce them.
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Old 02-10-2016, 08:50 AM
 
452 posts, read 702,074 times
Reputation: 566
She can't afford to move out but she can afford to buy alcohol, even the hard stuff? In college, on a college budget I was lucky to afford a bottle of boone's farm wine. Time was another constraint-having 2 jobs to pay for college and classwork time.

I would suggest you get her into see a counselor psychiatrist, psychologist or a therapist at the school if you can afford it. Student services at school might be able to help her get involved in school activities and help her with counseling if they have it at the school.

Sounds like she had a fulfilling high school life and is wondering what to do now since she is not involved in her college. However, she needs to make that happen not you. You can help by talking to her but she is an adult and now she has to make up her mind what she wants to do. Mommy and Daddy cannot pay for college that is horrible!!!! However, she can and she can make that community college into something fun if she wants to or apply for financial aide to a 4yr college if she wants to.
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Old 02-10-2016, 09:01 AM
 
508 posts, read 305,874 times
Reputation: 1282
Sounds like depression from a lack of uncertainty in her life. Yes she is at a CC but she doesn't know where her life will take her, which isn't that crazy since most likely her friends from high school are probably at a 4-year and seem (to her perspective) on the right path.

You may want to ask her to start looking a what college she wants to attend when she is done and perhaps research the best financial options for her. It sounds trite but with a clearer goal she may get out of her funk.
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Old 02-10-2016, 09:12 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
21,103 posts, read 15,399,197 times
Reputation: 23992
If she was truly drinking "lots of beer and wine" every night and not going to bed until after 4, she wouldn't be feeling well enough to get back to school at 1 and then work in the evening.

At 18, obviously it's illegal to drink alcohol and the OP can make their own rules, it doesn't sound like the girl is completely out of control. Drinking too much? Maybe.

I would focus more on filling out the FAFSA and moving on to a four year university than worrying about the drinking at this point unless it clearly becomes out of control
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Old 02-10-2016, 09:15 AM
 
Location: Southern California
372 posts, read 419,386 times
Reputation: 559
We read every day about kids getting into college and then graduating drowning in debt. Your daughter IS in college and she's smart not to incur debt to be there right now.

Maybe she should look for another, more challenging job than part-time in retail. If she had, say, an office job and went to school around that, she may not have time or energy left to drink like that.

I was an 18 year old girl once, and if I'd behaved like your daughter is behaving, I'd have been out the door. Your roof, your rules. Period.
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