U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 02-09-2016, 12:39 PM
 
3 posts, read 3,547 times
Reputation: 18

Advertisements

Hello. My darling daughter had a spectacular high school career: top of class, sports, Girl Scout Gold award, student council, etc. She now is still living home, working, attending a local community college in the afternoons – but creating a bad habit: DRINKING! Hates living here and is taking it out on us (we can't afford a 4-year school right now, loans, student loans, etc., so no other option right now than comm college). She can’t wait to move out but can’t afford it yet. She has a good part-time evening job at a retailer and is taking classes in the afternoons, earning all As and Bs. HOWEVER, to avoid us she stays up almost ALL NIGHT and sleeps almost ALL DAY: Worse, she comes home from work, does some studying then after we go to sleep DRINKS LOTS OF BEER AND WINE all night long. Sometimes the hard stuff. Stays up until 4am at least. Sleeps until 1pm, gets up for school and work then does it all over again. Though work and school are going well, I fear alcoholism and the complete waste of time. At her age it is hard to BAN alcohol because she will just sneak it. We won’t toss her out for drinking (worse things, yes). I encourage her to get to sleep earlier and wake earlier, use some daylight hours to work-out and address secondary responsibilities, which are falling behind. Very stubborn. We try to stay out of her business but I'm heartsick over her “schedule.” In two years she may leave for a 4-year school and will likely take these habits with her. The more I try to change what she’s doing, the more entrenched she becomes. But to just lay-off and be a party to it seems so irresponsible of me. Advice?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 02-09-2016, 01:10 PM
 
Location: Florida
4,091 posts, read 3,069,394 times
Reputation: 8623
Ban the alcohol. She's shown she can't handle it appropriately. It seems as though her options are play by the rules and live at home, or play by her own rules and figure out how to live on her own. She's a legal adult, so you can't control her behavior... but you can decide that her behavior will have to take place somewhere other than in your home. Your roof, your rules. Tell her the new rules and if she can't deal, help her pack and give her til the end of the month.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-09-2016, 01:14 PM
 
Location: The analog world
15,673 posts, read 8,769,434 times
Reputation: 20997
My best guess is that she's depressed because she feels stuck. The sooner you can get her out of the house and independent the better. Forgive me for being blunt, but I'm stunned that you did not prepare better for her to attend college. If your income was too low to help her directly, then you should have filled out the FAFSA and helped her research scholarships and loan programs. Too many parents think that seventeen-year-olds should be able to handle the college search and finance issues on their own, but they require a lot of help and support. At this point, she needs a purpose to help propel through this period of stagnation. Buckle up. Your job of parenting is not yet done; you still have a lot of work to do.

Last edited by randomparent; 02-09-2016 at 01:27 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-09-2016, 01:22 PM
 
Location: southwestern PA
20,426 posts, read 35,751,613 times
Reputation: 38834
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherTouchOfWhimsy View Post
She's a legal adult, so you can't control her behavior... but you can decide that her behavior will have to take place somewhere other than in your home. Your roof, your rules.
Exactly.


I am surprised that underage drinking is condoned.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-09-2016, 01:26 PM
 
Location: Leaving fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada
3,836 posts, read 6,612,527 times
Reputation: 7254
Quote:
Originally Posted by LBWB View Post
Hello. My darling daughter had a spectacular high school career: top of class, sports, Girl Scout Gold award, student council, etc. She now is still living home, working, attending a local community college in the afternoons – but creating a bad habit: DRINKING! Hates living here and is taking it out on us (we can't afford a 4-year school right now, loans, student loans, etc., so no other option right now than comm college). She can’t wait to move out but can’t afford it yet. She has a good part-time evening job at a retailer and is taking classes in the afternoons, earning all As and Bs. HOWEVER, to avoid us she stays up almost ALL NIGHT and sleeps almost ALL DAY: Worse, she comes home from work, does some studying then after we go to sleep DRINKS LOTS OF BEER AND WINE all night long. Sometimes the hard stuff. Stays up until 4am at least. Sleeps until 1pm, gets up for school and work then does it all over again. Though work and school are going well, I fear alcoholism and the complete waste of time. At her age it is hard to BAN alcohol because she will just sneak it. We won’t toss her out for drinking (worse things, yes). I encourage her to get to sleep earlier and wake earlier, use some daylight hours to work-out and address secondary responsibilities, which are falling behind. Very stubborn. We try to stay out of her business but I'm heartsick over her “schedule.” In two years she may leave for a 4-year school and will likely take these habits with her. The more I try to change what she’s doing, the more entrenched she becomes. But to just lay-off and be a party to it seems so irresponsible of me. Advice?
If she was top in her class, why doesn't she have a scholarship to a university?

What could be worse than binge drinking to avoid life? How does she get the alcohol?


Something is off about this post.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-09-2016, 03:20 PM
 
3 posts, read 3,547 times
Reputation: 18
When I say "top of class," I mean AMONG the top -- maybe top quarter. Most financial experts say to strongly consider comm college -- then spend your money at a 4-year school after most prerequisites are completed, which is our plan. I forgot to mention her immaturity: If she had gone away for her freshman year, I think she would have done worse than staying at home, where at least there's care, concern and some oversight (more than most kids away from home, albeit more mature, are getting). But too late to argue that.

What's wrong with this post is that I don't know how to help her and fear that she'll entrench herself in habits she'll take with her. Where does she get the booze? She looks older, has older friends. AA? She wouldn't be open to it, though I'll try. Put her out on street? No -- though there's not much other recourse for an adult child. Anti-depressants? Her doctor said no. Psychologist? That helps a little. She'll likely improve in another year or so when hopefully she'll leave for a university, out from "under" us, but my fear is that it will be too late to shake this drinking habit. I do appreciate any constructive advice that will help me parent a young adult that's making bad decisions in this regard. Good decisions in other areas....
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-09-2016, 03:40 PM
 
12,922 posts, read 19,809,103 times
Reputation: 33959
Quote:
Originally Posted by randomparent View Post
My best guess is that she's depressed because she feels stuck. The sooner you can get her out of the house and independent the better. Forgive me for being blunt, but I'm stunned that you did not prepare better for her to attend college. If your income was too low to help her directly, then you should have filled out the FAFSA and helped her research scholarships and loan programs. Too many parents think that seventeen-year-olds should be able to handle the college search and finance issues on their own, but they require a lot of help and support. At this point, she needs a purpose to help propel through this period of stagnation. Buckle up. Your job of parenting is not yet done; you still have a lot of work to do.
Absolutely. She isn't yet responsible for herself the way letting her go away to school would force her to be.
Yes, kids drink at college. But they also grow up, a lot. If you can't afford to help her out with school, fill out the FAFSA, and tell her to apply for loans.

I think it takes a certain type of student to see the community college route as the wiser choice, and it absolutely can be, but only if the student sees it as the means to an end. If the student resents staying home when her/his friends go off to live on campus, then they often will feel left behind. And depression can follow.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-09-2016, 03:43 PM
 
4,787 posts, read 8,766,822 times
Reputation: 12592
Your daughter's drinking can't wait for two years or more to attend a four year college. She may be a full blown alcoholic by then or be in a self caused car accident, etc.

Your college plan is isn't working. May be best to develop another one. I would sit down with her and have her research colleges she would like to attend for next year. Work up a short list, she what classes she can transfer over. Then have her research scholarships and student loans.

It's up to her to get the scholarships and take on the loans, not you. If she's willing to do this, it may be the way to go. Are there lower costs state colleges/ universities she can attend ?

What she can't do is continue the current course. It seems she is not even taking a full course load at community college ( if she is only going afternoons). The goal of a four year college is going to seem too far into the future for her. The drinking will only get worse.

I also agree with the others who suggest that she cannot continue to drink like this and live at home.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-09-2016, 04:07 PM
 
Location: Raleigh NC
5,284 posts, read 4,571,724 times
Reputation: 13277
It is FASFA season right now. Fill it out and see what happens. You may get a pleasant surprise. We did.

Start going to Al Anon and don't make a secret of it. Tell her you are concerned enough about her drinking that you are going to get help even if she doesn't think she needs it.

Is there a family history of alcoholism? Address it. Definitely keep removing all alcohol from your home when you find it.

The community college should have some resources that will help with alcoholism. Look into it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-09-2016, 04:09 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
10,864 posts, read 18,917,965 times
Reputation: 25118
I'm more concerned about the drinking than about her schedule.

I think if you ban drinking at your home, she'll just drink somewhere else and drive home drunk. But I also think if she continues to drink this way, she'll end up an alcoholic. She's not engaging in the social drinking that teens often do, she's drinking alone and it sounds like she's drinking to get drunk every night. And she may not have trouble purchasing it, but if she gets caught with it, she'll end up in legal trouble or possibly lose her license until she's 21.

Did her doctor know about the drinking when he said no to antidepressants?

As far as the staying up all night and sleeping all morning, lots of teens are most comfortable on a schedule like that, and even some adults. It doesn't mean she's a loser or is only keeping that schedule to avoid you. But the alcohol thing has to be addressed.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top