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Old 02-12-2016, 12:48 PM
 
218 posts, read 111,188 times
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She takes dance through the school, practice is every Saturday morning, there are no other options.

He drives 5 hours, picks her up, drives back 5 hours then the same thing over 2 days later, so yes it is a lot of driving for him. Since I was opposed to meeting him halfway every other weekend (I have a life too), that is why the spousal support was reduced. She is not thrilled either about spending 10 hours in a car every other weekend.

Quote:
Would anything major change if he lived 5 mins away, or would his visitation still be pretty much EOW?
If he lived here, he could have her all weekend, she could still do the things with her friends, he could take her to dance, etc., but him taking her to another state all the time means those aren't options.

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It does not matter. People move on romantically. It is unfair for you to expect him to remain unattached, and then to project his new romantic involvement into a rejection of his daughter. That is wildly unfair TO YOUR DAUGHTER.
He moved on while we were still married, he was having an affair with a woman he met online for MONTHS before we split up, so he was never NOT attached. So yes, I still stand by the fact that he moved is what makes her have to choose between seeing him and having her life here, where she has lived all of her 13 years.
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Old 02-12-2016, 12:53 PM
 
15,768 posts, read 13,199,215 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by andie1969 View Post

He moved on while we were still married, he was having an affair with a woman he met online for MONTHS before we split up, so he was never NOT attached. So yes, I still stand by the fact that he moved is what makes her have to choose between seeing him and having her life here, where she has lived all of her 13 years.
The problem is (as evidenced by above) that you cannot separate your issues with him moving on, and your daughters issues with him moving 5 hours away.

It shouldn't matter to your daughter, WHY you divorced or whether or not her father was a crappy husband. He is clearly trying to be a good father. That should count.
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Old 02-12-2016, 01:13 PM
 
8,740 posts, read 8,957,632 times
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Originally Posted by andie1969 View Post
If he lived here, he could have her all weekend, she could still do the things with her friends, he could take her to dance, etc., but him taking her to another state all the time means those aren't options.

Ultimately, this is not dad's fault. Your vent seems to paint the picture that this situation is ultimately a s result of everything he has done to this point. Did dad sign her up for Dance class that happened to have practice during his time? Did he move to another state after she signed up?

Truth is, now this might be a bit cold, but dad's time is dad's time and spending it with his daughter does not get trumped by dance class. It's court ordered, and his time. Odds are, 20 years from now, DD won't be dancing professionally, she will have a new crop of friends different from those she has now, but her dad will still be the constant in the picture, so it's important she continue to build a relationship with her father now. She's 13. She might have a say but she doesn't get to call the shots completely. Parents are still the parents and in charge.

You have to be careful here because how you portray this to your daughter could be construed as alienation if your comments allude to "It's dad's fault you have to skip dance" or something along the lines. At that point, you are putting your child in the middle of it and turning her against her dad.

And, from another point of view, dad gets 96 hours a month out of 720 to spend with his child. Is it really fair he has to lose out on more time? Daughter has 12 days between visits to hang out with friends.


Quote:
Originally Posted by andie1969 View Post
having her life here, where she has lived all of her 13 years.

She also has a life where dad lives. That is her home too.

Last edited by BostonMike7; 02-12-2016 at 01:26 PM..
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Old 02-12-2016, 01:55 PM
 
10,090 posts, read 6,509,210 times
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His relationship with his daughter is much more important then dance classes...thats how I feel about it. I am sorry. That he does the drive every other week is admirable. Maybe you can work something else out with him...but he shouldn't be jerked around by the lessons you sign your daughter up for (knowing that he has custody on some of the days she would have practice). You should have talked that out ahead of time together.

I don't mean to be harsh...but it feels like your daughter's best interest is still to see her father.
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Old 02-12-2016, 01:57 PM
 
218 posts, read 111,188 times
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Quote:
Ultimately, this is not dad's fault. Your vent seems to paint the picture that this situation is ultimately a s result of everything he has done to this point. Did dad sign her up for Dance class that happened to have practice during his time? Did he move to another state after she signed up?
She has been in this dance program since 2nd grade, she is now in 7th, he moved last year, so yes, all this has been established for years, it is nothing new. The judge granted him schedule A with the stipulation he not disrupt her routine here, since most parents that live that far away have schedule B for visitation.

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And, from another point of view, dad gets 96 hours a month out of 720 to spend with his child.
Again, a choice he made.

Like I said, I'm not really looking for parenting advice, it is what it is, I was just wondering how other people in this situation handled visitation conflicts.
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Old 02-12-2016, 01:58 PM
 
10,090 posts, read 6,509,210 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by andie1969 View Post
If he lived here, he could have her all weekend, she could still do the things with her friends, he could take her to dance, etc., but him taking her to another state all the time means those aren't options.
But you still don't get to dictate the time she spends with him. If he chooses not to have her in dance, that is his choice. If he wants to to be family only time, that is his choice.
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Old 02-12-2016, 02:19 PM
 
Location: Central IL
13,461 posts, read 7,165,715 times
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Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
This may seem like a dumb question, but does dance have to be scheduled for Saturday?

Can she go to a different studio and take classes during the week during your regular scheduled time?
(My daughter took numerous dance classes from age 3 to age 20 and after age 5 or 6 none of them were ever scheduled for a Saturday.)

If her class has to meet on Saturday, can she do a "make-up" class during the week? Or, once a month take a private lesson to catch up on what she missed?
Or have someone videotape the class that she missed so she can practice on her own.


Or, is it possible that she can find a studio in her dad's town where she can do "drop in" dance classes on his weekends? Perhaps, that would keep up her dance skills as well as show her dad that dance is very important to her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BostonMike7 View Post
I've seen that before where the child will sign up for an activity in both locations.
Great ideas! I think it's easy for the "put upon" parent to not really try very hard at figuring out creative solutions. I can get being resentful but when it comes down to it, you're cutting off your nose (daughter) to spite your face (ex).
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Old 02-12-2016, 02:36 PM
 
33,060 posts, read 12,548,726 times
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Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
But you still don't get to dictate the time she spends with him. If he chooses not to have her in dance, that is his choice. If he wants to to be family only time, that is his choice.
Baloney. He broke up his family by getting involved with another woman.

Few teens willingly spend every other weekend hanging out with their Dad. They have friends, dance practice, soccer games, parties, school projects...

She has been involved in dance since 2nd grade. Whether she goes on to be a professional dancer makes no difference whatsoever. Our kids were in band for years. It gave them focus. They learned the more you practice, the better you get. They were friends with their bandmates. Not a single one went on to a musical career, but music helped them develop into individuals who could be successful in the careers they are pursing.

His insistence on "Daddy time" strikes me as self-centered. It's all about him, and not about her.

What if he picked her up after dance practice and they went out to lunch and to a museum or zoo or shopping or ? then to a movie or, be still my heart, a dance recital? Then he could bring her home, spend the night with a friend or in a motel and take her out to Sunday brunch before he hits the road back home.

It would cut his drive time in half. They could spend some quality father-daughter time, and she could still dance.

He could, of course, continue to insist that his needs are more important than hers and watch what happens in about three years.
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Old 02-12-2016, 02:45 PM
 
33,060 posts, read 12,548,726 times
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Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
Great ideas! I think it's easy for the "put upon" parent to not really try very hard at figuring out creative solutions. I can get being resentful but when it comes down to it, you're cutting off your nose (daughter) to spite your face (ex).
What planet are you posting from? OP is trying to figure out a creative solution.

What he is insisting on is that their daughter regularly miss something that is important in her life in order to spend 10 hours in a car and a weekend with him and the new woman in his life.
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Old 02-12-2016, 02:59 PM
 
218 posts, read 111,188 times
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Yeah I wonder if everyone would think differently if my child were the quarterback of the high school football team? Would he still be expected to miss every other weekend? Would the coaches be ok with that? Why should dance, which is also a school sport as well be any different? She has recitals every few months and missing half the practices would really impact her performance and reflect poorly on the entire ensemble.
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