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Old 02-12-2016, 02:15 PM
 
Location: Dallas TX
14,307 posts, read 20,569,109 times
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I am shocked at how many posters are suggesting the girl has to drop an activity she is interested in! It's bad enough she has to spend 10 hours every other weekend in a car, but to expect her to sacrifice a dance class she loves? SMH

I agree with the poster that said go back to mediation. You both need to figure out a visitation that works best for your daughter and works for both of you.
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Old 02-12-2016, 02:28 PM
 
493 posts, read 365,426 times
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My parents got divorced when I was in H.S and I did not change my schedule. The original plan was every weekend. But that didn't work out. I had things to do and plans and just because they didn't work out didn't my I had to be uprooted. My father only lived a 45 minute train ride away. But that doesn't work when I had 7am practice. I did always speak to my father and still do regularly on the phone. My stuff was important and even though it hurt him he couldn't see me as often as he wanted to he wouldn't change my routine I had established for years.
Knowing how I was at that age if I had to cancel all of my activities for my dad I probably would of made his life a living hell.
She is still a little young but why don't you ask her both of you. What plan works because I don't think she should miss dance every weekend if she has been doing it for 10 years. I also would ask if he could stay the weekends he comes down and then go back.
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Old 02-12-2016, 02:30 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,498 posts, read 15,947,527 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by andie1969 View Post
Yeah I wonder if everyone would think differently if my child were the quarterback of the high school football team? Would he still be expected to miss every other weekend? Would the coaches be ok with that? Why should dance, which is also a school sport as well be any different? She has recitals every few months and missing half the practices would really impact her performance and reflect poorly on the entire ensemble.
Well, that is an interesting comparison. Is dance a year round sport or seasonal? I know in my area, football practices are every night after school and never on the weekends (plus several weeks in the summer). There are 8 to 10 games per season usually Friday night (plus more if the team wins the season). I don't know what the coaches would do if someone had to miss half of games, but I bet that the adults & teen could come up with a workable solution. I bet that the parents could work their schedule around so that the teen missed as few games as possible and maybe had extra weekends together after football season was over.


Has your daughter discussed this with her father? By age 13, she should be able to express her preferences and help come up with ideas & suggestions on her own.


I bet that some modification of the visitation schedule, worked out well in advance, would be possible. Did Dad just find out that Daughter did not have school on Monday at the last minute or was Saturday morning to Monday night brought up, and rejected, quite a while ago?


Does Dad still have relatives or friends in town? Maybe, suggest that some weekends he stay in his former home-town to cut down on the drive. Heck, just saving the gas & the wear & tear on his car would pay for a hotel room for Friday & Saturday nights. And, that way she could attend practice that weekend.


Are practices every Saturday or just most Saturdays? I bet that teacher's convention weekend, certain holiday weekends, semester changes, etc. there are not practices. Again, you can sit down with a calendar months in advance and work out a schedule that is "top heavy" with non-practice Saturdays.

Last edited by germaine2626; 02-12-2016 at 02:44 PM..
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Old 02-12-2016, 02:33 PM
 
33,052 posts, read 12,527,244 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by andie1969 View Post
Yeah I wonder if everyone would think differently if my child were the quarterback of the high school football team? Would he still be expected to miss every other weekend? Would the coaches be ok with that? Why should dance, which is also a school sport as well be any different? She has recitals every few months and missing half the practices would really impact her performance and reflect poorly on the entire ensemble.
If OP were the noncustodial parent, and the teen was on the high school football team you can bet we'd all be singing a different tune about him missing practices and games every other weekend for mother-son time.
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Old 02-12-2016, 02:45 PM
 
2,937 posts, read 1,663,686 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by andie1969 View Post
She takes dance through the school, practice is every Saturday morning, there are no other options.

He drives 5 hours, picks her up, drives back 5 hours then the same thing over 2 days later, so yes it is a lot of driving for him. Since I was opposed to meeting him halfway every other weekend (I have a life too), that is why the spousal support was reduced. She is not thrilled either about spending 10 hours in a car every other weekend.



If he lived here, he could have her all weekend, she could still do the things with her friends, he could take her to dance, etc., but him taking her to another state all the time means those aren't options.



He moved on while we were still married, he was having an affair with a woman he met online for MONTHS before we split up, so he was never NOT attached. So yes, I still stand by the fact that he moved is what makes her have to choose between seeing him and having her life here, where she has lived all of her 13 years.
I'm with you on this, he walked out on his daughter, he created on her mother and now loves 5 hours away.

I can only wonder what the daughters feelings are about her father.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lkb0714 View Post
The problem is (as evidenced by above) that you cannot separate your issues with him moving on, and your daughters issues with him moving 5 hours away.

It shouldn't matter to your daughter, WHY you divorced or whether or not her father was a crappy husband. He is clearly trying to be a good father. That should count.
Trying to be a good father? Being a good father is sticking around for your kid. Being a good father is choosing your child over a woman 5 hours away. Being a good parent is realizing your child has a life and interests at HOME, the home her father left.

Divorce is traumatic enough but thus poor girl has to spend 10hrs in a car every other weekend. It's ridiculous.

Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
But you still don't get to dictate the time she spends with him. If he chooses not to have her in dance, that is his choice. If he wants to to be family only time, that is his choice.
What about what the daughter wants? She's 13, her desires should matter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by andie1969 View Post
Yeah I wonder if everyone would think differently if my child were the quarterback of the high school football team? Would he still be expected to miss every other weekend? Would the coaches be ok with that? Why should dance, which is also a school sport as well be any different? She has recitals every few months and missing half the practices would really impact her performance and reflect poorly on the entire ensemble.
Seriously, I wonder if these posters have ever applied to college. Extra curriculars are important, they are NECESSARY to be considered a well rounded college applicant. Your husband is putting HIS need for a relationship with his daughter above what his daughter wants.

I'm shocked so many are defending this guy.
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Old 02-12-2016, 02:45 PM
 
218 posts, read 111,004 times
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Dance is year round, BUT she on her own, is opting not to take the summer session so she can spend more time with him and go on vacations with both of us. You're right, football games are Friday nights, BUT schedule A dictates the other parent can have them from Friday 6 pm to Sunday 6 pm, so we'd still run into that situation.

I agree it would be ideal if he stayed in the area the weekends he has her, but he can't be away from his girlfriend for even a night apparently. For what he spends in gas he could pay for a hotel. He has burned bridges here with most of his friends and none of his family live here so he really has no other place to stay.

We DID go to mediation and worked out every other weekend but around her dance schedule, but that's not good enough for him. Hell, I even threw in Monday, Presidents' Day which isn't even his day to have her, but it's around his schedule or not at all.
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Old 02-12-2016, 02:50 PM
 
15,760 posts, read 13,187,771 times
Reputation: 19651
Quote:
Originally Posted by andie1969 View Post
Yeah I wonder if everyone would think differently if my child were the quarterback of the high school football team? Would he still be expected to miss every other weekend? Would the coaches be ok with that? Why should dance, which is also a school sport as well be any different? She has recitals every few months and missing half the practices would really impact her performance and reflect poorly on the entire ensemble.
Yes, it doesn't matter the event. My opinion would be the same.

And it remains that your daughter and ex husband should work it out themselves and you should bow out.
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Old 02-12-2016, 02:54 PM
 
33,052 posts, read 12,527,244 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WeHa View Post

I'm shocked so many are defending this guy.
I am too.
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Old 02-12-2016, 02:57 PM
eok
 
6,684 posts, read 2,951,020 times
Reputation: 8439
Why can't she simply spend the summer and Christmas with him, and forget all the weekend visits? Those are wasteful and obnoxious.

Or maybe he likes to drive her 5 hours each way. Maybe it's the only time she ever talks to him. They have to sit together the whole trip, so she might start talking out of boredom, and that might lead to meaningful conversations. What other reason could he have for being so wasteful and obnoxious?
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Old 02-12-2016, 03:00 PM
 
15,760 posts, read 13,187,771 times
Reputation: 19651
Quote:
Originally Posted by WeHa View Post
I'm with you on this, he walked out on his daughter, he created on her mother and now loves 5 hours away.

I can only wonder what the daughters feelings are about her father.



Trying to be a good father? Being a good father is sticking around for your kid. Being a good father is choosing your child over a woman 5 hours away. Being a good parent is realizing your child has a life and interests at HOME, the home her father left.

Divorce is traumatic enough but thus poor girl has to spend 10hrs in a car every other weekend. It's ridiculous.



What about what the daughter wants? She's 13, her desires should matter.



Seriously, I wonder if these posters have ever applied to college. Extra curriculars are important, they are NECESSARY to be considered a well rounded college applicant. Your husband is putting HIS need for a relationship with his daughter above what his daughter wants.

I'm shocked so many are defending this guy.
I have students who regularly drive four to five hours each way to sporting events on the weekend and those are not even about maintaining the parent child relationship. Someday this daughter will lose her parents, how many people at that juncture will regret the time they weren't in dance class rather than regret the time they could have spent one on one with their father?

Mom is clearly still bitter about how he marriage ended, and she has a right to be, but she has a moral obligation to not let that bitterness bleed over into subtle poisoning of the relationship between father and daughter. Mom sounds like she is better off with out him as a husband, but that does not mean the daughter is better off without him as a father.

The daughter is at an age where she should have a say in how she spends her time on the weekends, but good parents encourage the children to spend time with the other parent. Maybe this means the daughter spends all summer with her dad, maybe it means she joins another dance program in his area so she can dance at either of her homes, but there is too much talk from mom about her "life" when it should be about what is best for the daughter.
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