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Do whatever you can to hire a good attorney. Do it now.
I would recommend asking some hopefully helpful personnel at the Court to recommend a lawyer; and call the lawyer to make the introduction. As a lawyer my rates get quite low if a Court asks me to take something on, even if not totally pro bono. If all else fails, get SS to request the custody shift. At age 10 his views should be taken into account.
But I have to caution that depends on the state and I only know anything or practice in New York.
I'm sorry. It is a lot - years worth. Happy to answer any questions that might help clarify any of this for you. Obviously I can't put years worth of things in one single post. But please, start a conversation. Ask me anything. Happy to answer. I am BEGGING for help/answers/guidance. If I can clarify anything, I am glad to, if it means someone has an idea they can share.
I don't have answers for what you can do to help him, other than offer him a loving, stable, structured environment when he is with you.
One thing I think is very important though. Don't leave him alone with your baby.
He IS in trouble nearly daily at school. Teachers write on his conduct card nearly daily. He has screamed at them. Thrown things. But do they send him to the office? NO! They just "take it"? This was the problem last year. My husband tried to make it known. No one listened. This is why he's calling principal to express his dissatisfaction with how things are handled. The teachers are really soft - at least last year and this year. The AP assured my husband he would be with teachers in 4th grade that were stern. Didn't happen. So he gets in trouble, but is not sent to the office by the teachers, thus, the counselor doesn't see him a lot.
He IS failing. He does well in some subjects. Not in others.
Oh, yeah. Make sure the school knows that he actually has a real gun.
Oh my....your life was mine in the state of MD...where Judges, justice system does not see the SS'smother as a "bad mother" but as a mother only.
Same, here counseling...nothing was really reported to court decision.
Custody was preferred to single mom, alcoholic (bc it does not lean bad mom) and no incomes, (got only child and wife support)...boy was brain washed..(parental alienation syndrom) beside the golden Uterus syndrom...
Because we had to move out the country for my parent dying. We ended up staying longer and oaying child support until after HS graduation.
Ss did not go to college (his mother did not want him to) still had no friend, never did sport, got obese, never had a job. She got him a job with her at gas station with her and today she is very very sick, living with him (now 26) and a boy friend that she married for insurance purpose.
She is keeping her son taking care of her and giving her the care that a son should not be doing like cleaning the lower part of her body because she is not able to go to the restroom.
He has to do so till her end. (Cancerous stages) while her "husband" is living , now for so many so many years with them. But, abusing her son to the end. He is taking care of her till the end. He has no life outside his mommy. Reminded me of Norman Bates of Bates Motel.
No kidding. But for you, don't put your self or your "family" baby and hubby at risk to be on the street..because so far the justice might never be on your side. Your S S will still be at his mother home. And you will ruin yourself in vain ..the system will not work for you guys. It happend to us.
I am , ly self a teacher social worker and a cook..and they choose to let him live with the MoM in precarity and abuse exactly like your step son...rather than giving the father the custody.
So PARENTAL ALIENATION AND GOLDEN UTERUS SYNDROM exist, but are not reconized in court decision. If the mother is a good manipulative person, she will get it HER way. You and your husband will allways lose.
Today, still, we do not get to see my ss. He even not call his dad, or meet him...no bc the mother still controls him. We drive an hour and half with our 5 children to spend few mn in front of his door or sometime we take him out in his neighborhood for lunch or dinner.
I guess he wait for the end to be freed...i guess...
Good luck.
What happened to Adam Lanza's mother was partly her own fault. She had approximately the same attitudes this mother seems to have.
The system is set up in such a way that people other than the mother can hardly do anything to help. Even if they knew in advance what Adam Lanza was going to do, they would have been powerless to stop it.
If you spend $10,000 on a lawyer, how do you know that lawyer is going to do a better job than the previous one? In my experience, the average lawyer tends to not be very competent. Their clients need special skills to be able to tell which lawyers are going to turn out to be competent enough for their cases. The skill to hire a good lawyer is usually developed by career criminals, from long experience. People who don't need lawyers very often tend to not have enough experience with them to know which ones to hire.
It's the way the world is, that sometimes you can foresee horrible things happening in the future, and still be helpless to do anything. Even if you spend till you're bankrupt, devote thousands of hours of your time, and pursue every possible avenue. The future happens anyway. Even if he doesn't kill her, and a bunch of other people, she might kill him, and maybe herself. It could happen any day now. But try to convince anyone of that, who could do anything about it, and you will get nowhere.
Have you talked to a psychiatrist abiut this at all? I understand your husband can't take SS to therapy you and him could talk with one about his behavior and your concerns.
If he ever starts making violent threats, physical aggression etc... I'd either call the cops if he's threatening to hurt others or take him to the ER for a psych eval if he's threatening to hurt himself.
I'm not sure what state you're in but if 211 is available I'd call them they're a great resource for this type of situation.
Yes. We have. Every therapist, counselor, etc we have spoken to expresses concern.
^^This. Does the principal know that you have made CPS calls? Does the principal know about the conduct card?
The principal definitely knows about this situation because he was originally to handle it - the child got sent to the principal's. But principal wasn't available at that time so the inept counselor took over and just read him a book. The principal came back and spoke to him briefly. This is why my husband is calling - we feel he should have sat there until principal became available.
He is also disappointed the school didn't reach out to both he and the mom. Only the mom. This has happened repeatedly, despite being asked to be included, so my husband will be speaking to that as well. It is federal law that says all parents have access to what happens to their child in school.
We haven't personally spoken to the principal yet, so no, to our knowledge, no one at the school knows calls have been made. Principal should know about the conduct card b/c that is school policy.
OP I'm not a parent so this may sound callous, but you need to back off. You will feel better mentally and emotionally when you realize that this is Not Your Son. So you can relax and let your husband take care of this to the best of his ability. It sounds stressful and I'm not sure why this is your stress.
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My husband and I were just talking about this last night. You can't just walk off. I mean, yes, my husband handles his discipline, etc but when he's here, I don't just lock myself and the baby in a room and ignore him. We are a family. He has a relationship with me, his sibling and his dad. And I'm not going to say people who aren't parents don't get it - it doesn't take being a parent to get this is a serious matter that affects all of us.
Also, when you are married, you are one unit. You handle life together. My husband is an adult and his own person, as am I. I am well versed in boundaries, detaching with love, etc. We also have another child in the home to keep safe. As a parent, that is one of our responsibilities. So while yes, there are lots of things we can handle on our own, and do, this is not one of them.
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Last edited by Miss Blue; 02-15-2016 at 12:56 PM..
Reason: deleted the personal attacks
I would recommend asking some hopefully helpful personnel at the Court to recommend a lawyer; and call the lawyer to make the introduction. As a lawyer my rates get quite low if a Court asks me to take something on, even if not totally pro bono. If all else fails, get SS to request the custody shift. At age 10 his views should be taken into account.
But I have to caution that depends on the state and I only know anything or practice in New York.
We don't qualify for free referral services. I have tried. The only way this can get in front of a judge is to either violate the order, have her vio the order (again, as she continually does it), hire an attorney and take it to court after mediation (state rules) or have family services get involved to the point, they require a plan for the mom. At that point, in our state, dad would be notified and there would be a court hearing.
Yes, in our state 10 is old enough to have an opinion count in court. The attorney expressed this, too.
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