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I respect your honesty. I think your choice/priorities are very common today where it's largely the material things and making more $ that often overrides the parents desire to spend more time with their kid(s).
Being a former kid myself? All the material things you talk about are largely meaningless in my memories of my parents and my upbringing, having a mom who was a stay at home mom. The simple times together and the love she gave me are what I remember, not the "material things" that many parents assume their kids want/will be one of the most important things in their life. Just a different perspective for you.
I have never heard of "a quality education" being referred to as a "material thing" before. "Material things" are usually things like nice houses, nice cars, big TVs, fancy phones, purses, and shoes; things that are not necessary but luxuries. But paying for schooling? You really consider using money to buy your way into a quality education with quality extracurriculars and tutoring and summer camps and all that wonderful stuff that to be spending money on "material things" that are not important? I have never heard that particular perspective before. Interesting.
I was not throwing shade. After that I stopped reading. I was responding to evil cookie's post. As I said, I am fine with what ever choice you make, but that people underestimate how important that time is because "a kid can't remember them". Its just not accurate.
You were responding to Evil Cookie's post which was a response to me.
Thanks for being okay with my choices even though I don't need your approval.
I don't know about other people, but I have never underestimated how important early childhood was for my daughter or for any other child. That's why I took such good care of her and why I carefully chose a warm and loving childcare provider for her when she was a baby. I understand the harm caused to infants and children when their needs are not met and they aren't able to form close bonds with people. Apparently you do too, so congratulations to both of us.
Again, if you have evidence that high quality childcare predicts the same outcome for a child as abandonment and neglect, please post some links.
You were responding to Evil Cookie's post which was a response to me.
Thanks for being okay with my choices even though I don't need your approval.
I don't know about other people, but I have never underestimated how important early childhood was for my daughter or for any other child. That's why I took such good care of her and why I carefully chose a warm and loving childcare provider for her when she was a baby. I understand the harm caused to infants and children when their needs are not met and they aren't able to form close bonds with people. Apparently you do too, so congratulations to both of us.
Again, if you have evidence that high quality childcare predicts the same outcome for a child as abandonment and neglect, please post some links.
Kind of defensive, no? As I said, I wasn't insulting yours or any other working mom's choices. I was sharing my feelings about attachment and bonding and early childhood, and how it is often underestimated because they "can't remember it". You are the one making it all about you and your choices and insisting I am saying things I am not, as well as insulting you. I am not.
I could actually post links that say there is damage done by leaving a child with a caregiver over staying with them in their first 3 years of life. I am not going to. You know why? Its none of my business what choice people make in that area, and I am not here to try to make my decision right and other people's decisions wrong, or throw them under the bus for making a decision some people think is less then optimal. We will all make decisions that aren't "perfect", or that other's will disagree with (even professionals), but it doesn't mean that we are less of a good enough parent, or that our children will forever be broken or damaged beyond repair.
P.S. a qualified caregiver is preferable to a miserable SAHM...another aspect in why we are all doing what works best for us.
Kind of defensive, no? As I said, I wasn't insulting yours or any other working mom's choices. I was sharing my feelings about attachment and bonding and early childhood, and how it is often underestimated because they "can't remember it". You are the one making it all about you and your choices and insisting I am saying things I am not, as well as insulting you. I am not.
I could actually post links that say there is damage done by leaving a child with a caregiver over staying with them in their first 3 years of life. I am not going to. You know why? Its none of my business what choice people make in that area, and I am not here to try to make my decision right and other people's decisions wrong, or throw them under the bus for making a decision some people think is less then optimal. We will all make decisions that aren't "perfect", or that other's will disagree with (even professionals), but it doesn't mean that we are less of a good enough parent, or that our children will forever be broken or damaged beyond repair.
Since I'm the one who said my daughter can't remember the caregiver she had for the first 2.5 years of her life, you clearly were talking to me. And by implication, when you equate a child going to a caregiver with a child being neglected or abandoned, you are implying that I neglected or abandoned my daughter when I went back to work. If that's not your making it about me, I don't know what is.
You can't post any such links because they're aren't any. I've looked at the issue plenty of times and I've never seen an empirical study linking early high-quality childcare to any negative outcome.
If you want to talk in generalities, do so. But there's no need to make sideways judgmental comments to me and then act like you didn't. It's all here in black and white.
It's entirely possible for WOTH moms to be TERRIFIC moms and for SAHMs to be sorry as mud - and every variation in between. Kids are each so different, homes are all so different, expectations, personalities, intelligence levels, needs all vary so much, etc - it's impossible to really generalize without stereotyping.
What it boils down to is priorities and values - not things or even careers. Our values and priorities are reflected in our every waking moment. Our kids watch every thing we do, whether they're listening to what we say or not. How we live our lives makes it very apparent to them where they stand on our list of priorities.
I think the question all women should ask themselves (all parents, actually, but this thread is about women) is "Am I working (at home or outside the home) for my children and my family, or for myself and my personal goals? Am I working to build that bond with my kids and to help them grow into adults of integrity and character, or am I working to buy more things?"
And remember - no one ever laid on their death bed and thought, "Dang it, I wish I'd worked five more hours a week when the kids were little so we could have gone to Disney World!" or "I wish I'd taken that promotion in Chicago so that I could have enrolled the kids in after school care!" or "Gosh, I wish I'd scrap booked more, or watched more of Good Morning America!" What people always wish they'd had more of was quality time with the people they love. Make sure you don't waste that time, or create a life for yourself and your family that unnecessarily limits that time.
I think the question all women should ask themselves (all parents, actually, but this thread is about women) is "Am I working (at home or outside the home) for my children and my family, or for myself and my personal goals? Am I working to build that bond with my kids and to help them grow into adults of integrity and character, or am I working to buy more things?"
And remember - no one ever laid on their death bed and thought, "Dang it, I wish I'd worked five more hours a week when the kids were little so we could have gone to Disney World!" or "I wish I'd taken that promotion in Chicago so that I could have enrolled the kids in after school care!" or "Gosh, I wish I'd scrap booked more, or watched more of Good Morning America!" What people always wish they'd had more of was quality time with the people they love. Make sure you don't waste that time, or create a life for yourself and your family that unnecessarily limits that time.
The bold make it appear that it is either or...either a woman is working for her children and family or for her own personal goals which you equate with "buying more things." Can't a woman be doing both? Is it so terrible for a woman to find fulfillment in work which does not involve her children? It certainly is a delicate balance.
For me and my family, in spite of working hard to get an MBA, we decided the kids, the family and I would be
better served if I stayed home. I kept children of others and saw the mess of nerves and anxiety the mothers were and knew I couldn't and didn't want to deal with that. I did start my own businesses after they were teens but found little enjoyment in that. So at the advanced age of 55 adopted 2 more and stayed home with them.
Sure there have been plenty of times I wondered if I would be any happier or richer (whatever that means) if I had pursued my career while the kids were young. But I doubt it.
It's entirely possible for WOTH moms to be TERRIFIC moms and for SAHMs to be sorry as mud - and every variation in between. Kids are each so different, homes are all so different, expectations, personalities, intelligence levels, needs all vary so much, etc - it's impossible to really generalize without stereotyping.
What it boils down to is priorities and values - not things or even careers. Our values and priorities are reflected in our every waking moment. Our kids watch every thing we do, whether they're listening to what we say or not. How we live our lives makes it very apparent to them where they stand on our list of priorities.
I think the question all women should ask themselves (all parents, actually, but this thread is about women) is "Am I working (at home or outside the home) for my children and my family, or for myself and my personal goals? Am I working to build that bond with my kids and to help them grow into adults of integrity and character, or am I working to buy more things?"
And remember - no one ever laid on their death bed and thought, "Dang it, I wish I'd worked five more hours a week when the kids were little so we could have gone to Disney World!" or "I wish I'd taken that promotion in Chicago so that I could have enrolled the kids in after school care!" or "Gosh, I wish I'd scrap booked more, or watched more of Good Morning America!" What people always wish they'd had more of was quality time with the people they love. Make sure you don't waste that time, or create a life for yourself and your family that unnecessarily limits that time.
Excellent post. Especially the bolded.
I would also add, and this is not targeting anyone on here but just a general observation I've often heard from working moms in particular: don't overplan, and don't live for a worst-case scenario.
There seems to be a correlation, which i think is a factor of a certain type A personality type, women who are very ambitious and career driven are also the ones who tend to be control freaks and want to have every tiny thing preplanned perfectly for fifty years ahead. These are the ones who schedule their c-section because they can't handle uncertainty of natural labor and, like the author, are back to conference calls from the hospital bed because clearly their company would fall apart otherwise. They're also the ones extremely concerned with planning for the future. Which, dont get me wrong, is very important. But life has a tendency to throw curveballs at us from where we least expect it, regardless of our plans. So i say there needs to be a healthy ground between planning for future and living in the present. One of the most common criticisms of sahms is 'but what are you going to do IF' (your husband leaves you, loses his job, gets it by a bus etc). Some working moms I know actually cite that as their primary reason for working - even though they would prefer to stay home and are exhausted and stressed out. That, to me, is silliness. It's no way to live your life, wasting it on a what-if sceenario if you have the option not to. By all means work if it makes you happy (or you simply have to), but not because you're afraid not to. Same goes for working *only* because you're afraid not to pay for college or retirement 20 years down the road. If it makes you unhappy in the meantime, don't do it. You just never know which direction the 'what if' scenario is going to come from, so don't waste life being miserable in the meantime. That's my take on it.
Since I'm the one who said my daughter can't remember the caregiver she had for the first 2.5 years of her life, you clearly were talking to me. And by implication, when you equate a child going to a caregiver with a child being neglected or abandoned, you are implying that I neglected or abandoned my daughter when I went back to work. If that's not your making it about me, I don't know what is.
You can't post any such links because they're aren't any. I've looked at the issue plenty of times and I've never seen an empirical study linking early high-quality childcare to any negative outcome.
If you want to talk in generalities, do so. But there's no need to make sideways judgmental comments to me and then act like you didn't. It's all here in black and white.
You are so right. I am clearly out to get you. I wasn't making general statements or talking in a fair and even tone about child rearing or development. I was sideways insulting you. Thanks for catching me on that.
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All the material things you talk about are largely meaningless in my memories of my parents and my upbringing, having a mom who was a stay at home mom. The simple times together and the love she gave me are what I remember, not the "material things" that many parents assume their kids want/will be one of the most important things in their life. Just a different perspective for you.
