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Old 02-18-2016, 06:35 AM
 
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When my son was growing up, after dinner time, was our family time, which we usually ended up discussing topics and issues, from political discussions to questions and answers, etc.

On many occassions my son would ask questions about girls, and how to pick a girl to date, or for a lifetime mate. He'd want to know what attracted us to each other...what to look for in a girl.

I thought it was a healthy conversation, especially after I had made some very bad life choices....

And let me tell you, you can discuss subjects with your children, until the cows come home, and they don't always listen...nor will they always do the right thing, we didn't and they won't. However, I do believe strongly that it might heighten their awareness to incorporate "looking for a lifetime mate" into conversations with your children, both girls and boys.

we advised my son, that many people marry for all the wrong reasons...

1. Looking to be taken care of
2. Because everyone else in both families think its time to get married.
3. Because you have no goals what-so-ever and marriage seems to be the right thing to do.
4. For financial protection

We advised my son, to look for a gal who had goals, perhaps college, or who wanted to improve her scholastic abilities...someone who was positive about life, who didn't dwell on the negative...a go getter, someone who came from the same moral background...who believed marriage was for life...who was mature enough to realize, there would be differences of opinions who would be willing to work thru those problems.

Someone who is mature, and independent...

Who doesn't talk badly about others, who respects personal boundaries, and realizes that we are not all the same, therefore, we do not all think and believe the same.

Someone who realizes your idea of what a marriage should be, isn't what her idea of a marriage should be, therefore, you should be aware of these things when your dating.

Communication, someone who is willing to communicate her real true feelings of what she wants in a marriage and mature enough, to not take things so much to heart, when you try and discuss things that she does which annoy you or visa versa.

Someone who realizes that life is ever changing and people change with life....especially growing together, over a period of years...

No one's job is written in stone, in other words, if your both working you should both be helping with the chores and housework.

When I was home and not working, I would try hard to make my husband's life as easy as possible, by doing more of the chores while my son was in school...so that he and I both would have quality time together on the weekends...family time.

I taught my son, to clean, to iron, to shop, to mow the lawn, to garden, laundry...etc. When he was 14, he got a job, b/c I believe children need to work for some things they need...helps them learn to work with others, to appreciate things they buy, and gives them a sense of responsibility, to learn to save money, to budget, etc.

Has anyone else discussed these issues with their children, once they started dating....and if so, what did you talk about?

Doesn't mean they are going to listen or not make mistakes, but, planting seeds might help them avoid some life changing events? And I realize all to well, regardless, that life itself is a good teacher, and we all make mistakes which we should learn from...however, just thought it might be a good topic to discuss here.

What are your thoughts....would anyone like to share some ideas, or what they've discussed with their teenagers?

Last edited by cremebrulee; 02-18-2016 at 06:54 AM..
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Old 02-18-2016, 08:31 AM
 
Location: Leaving fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada
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I wish more parents took the time to have these discussions with their children. The example of living well and caring for your spouse is also very important.

So often kids only see the nonexample, the what not to be. While that's powerful, it's just not the same.
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Old 02-18-2016, 09:18 AM
 
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Originally Posted by photobuff42 View Post
I wish more parents took the time to have these discussions with their children. The example of living well and caring for your spouse is also very important.

So often kids only see the nonexample, the what not to be. While that's powerful, it's just not the same.
yes, I agree, living life by example...

I had great foster parents...but a really bad maternal mother...and unfortunately, My foster mom, was from the culture, you were a girl, you grew up, had children and that was your life, which she did, and she was extremely trusting and naieve...therefore, it carried over...and I made some really bad choices while growing up.

we didn't talk about these things then...we had discussions at the table but not real important life choice discussions.

Don't know if I'd have listened...but I'm sure if they had encouraged us to travel, to meet people and that education and knowledge were essential....maybe I'd have made different choices.

I was going to run away and work my way thru college....lived 2 - 3 hours from a summer resort town, where I could have waitressed. They feared I was too trusting and would get in with the wrong crowd so they advised I get married instead. They never traveled so....I graduated in 1967 and got married...had my son 3 years later, but I actually ran away to get married. He was my best friend thru high school....we were way to young....

I wish, they would have had these discussions with us...cuz my brother and other sister both married people that they didn't deserve...my youngest sister got lucky and married a really decent person.

My brother and I were divorced, and my older sister stuck it out with a person she didn't deserve to be married to..and it's a shame...b/c we didn't know what to look for....He was so lazy, he did nothing but sit on the mower...she worked and he had retired, and never once did he have dinner made for her, do any laundry, run the sweeper, or go food shopping...he was lazy as sin and just hung out at dinners and love to gossip and create problems with other people...he loved to argue. He has passed away, but she is like me, she would never ever marry again...and she is actually doing more now then ever before.
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Old 02-18-2016, 09:44 AM
 
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Great topic!


I tell my boys to find someone that you like EXACTLY the way they are. Don't tell yourself Well, I can change x and y and z about her, then she will be perfect. Can you live the rest of your life with this person the way they are? If not, walk away.


Show your true colors right from the get-go. If the fact that she leaves dirty dishes everywhere bothers you, don't be afraid to say something. Don't wait until six months or 3 years into the relationship. By then, it's too late.


Think for yourself. Don't be like the people in the World Trade Center that stayed in their offices just because they were told to do that. It's one thing to obey authority. It's another to engage your critical thinking skills, especially in an emergency.


For goodness sake, NEVER take a girl's word for it when she says she is on birth control. Never.
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Old 02-18-2016, 10:20 AM
 
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Love. Done.
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Old 02-18-2016, 10:39 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Book Lover 21 View Post
Great topic!


I tell my boys to find someone that you like EXACTLY the way they are. Don't tell yourself Well, I can change x and y and z about her, then she will be perfect. Can you live the rest of your life with this person the way they are? If not, walk away.


Show your true colors right from the get-go. If the fact that she leaves dirty dishes everywhere bothers you, don't be afraid to say something. Don't wait until six months or 3 years into the relationship. By then, it's too late.


Think for yourself. Don't be like the people in the World Trade Center that stayed in their offices just because they were told to do that. It's one thing to obey authority. It's another to engage your critical thinking skills, especially in an emergency.


For goodness sake, NEVER take a girl's word for it when she says she is on birth control. Never.
This was fantastic, thank you book lover...and yes, I told my son about the birth control thing as well...

so has he married yet? or is he still young and in school?

thanks so much
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Old 02-18-2016, 10:40 AM
 
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Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
Love. Done.
I'm not understanding what you mean by Love. Done?
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Old 02-18-2016, 10:55 AM
 
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Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
I'm not understanding what you mean by Love. Done?
I meant the post was awesome, and I have nothing to add.
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Old 02-18-2016, 11:02 AM
 
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Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
I meant the post was awesome, and I have nothing to add.
ahhh, thank you, sometime you gotta draw me pictures...

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Old 02-18-2016, 11:07 AM
 
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something else I encouraged my son to do, before he married which we discussed is the importance of travel...to travel around the world if he wanted to, b/c you meet the most marvelous people...along the way...you are able to view the cultures of others...

In maturing you also are able to chose a better life partner...
Learn to be independent of everyone....grow mentally and understand that compatibility is so important, mental compatibility....

We explained how important it was to try and find someone with the same moral compatibility...

To look at the parents, are they drinkers, do they dislike a lot of people, are they caught in some self destructive pattern....b/c some of their children may grow up to be just like them....some may not, but it's important to observe these things....to walk up and think with your mind....

We also told him that way to many people fall in love with love, or love the idea of love, or sex...and those to must be within reason....

We discussed all these things...it was enjoyable, we all learned together and it made for nice family time communication....also helped us find out where he was at mentally.

He joined the Air Force, and has pretty much been all over the world...I'm very proud of him and his choices...has he made mistakes, sure he has...but is leading a better life then his old mother ever did...and for that I'm thankful.

He understands, he cannot make his wife happy, that is not his job...if she wasn't happy when they were dating, she would never be so...

It would really be horrible if he and his wife would ever break up. But I don't believe they will....I really believe they are in love after 17 years...and a really wonderful working team...they do what works for them...and I'm so proud of them.

If you have stories to share please do share....makes me happy to read that other parents are doing this...
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